Starring:

Talisa Soto, Bruce Ramsay, Malcolm McDowell

Directed by: Tim Southam    Written by: Tim Southam, Peter Koper

The Story:

Stop right there if you were about to rent or buy this movie. I mean it. Stop. Don't do it. Don't make my sacrifice be in vain! You see, my friend, you're probably little bit like me. You want to see a decent horror movie. You want to at least be mildly entertained by this DVD. You probably looked at the cover and thought, "Cool! Zombies!". The title would lead you to that conclusion. But that's not what the characters in this movie face. Nope, its not zombies, the undead, vampires, ghosts or anything like that. Its flies.

You read that right. Flies.

Now I'm no big fan of killer insect movies. I don't hate them, but I'm not going to bashing the door down to Blockbuster to get one either. Infested was an okay movie in a stupid kind of way. But it had plot holes you could sail the QE2 through. And let me tell you something, Infested was a masterpiece compared to this movie.

Hart Island is a real place we're told at the beginning of this flick. Its off of the coast of New York. Then we get to hear a voice over by Detective Melissa O'Keefe (the beautiful Talisa Soto). She goes on about how she was an orphan but now she's a NY City missing persons detective and how solving those cases is very important to her. Really, this voice over doesn't do anything to help. I mean, the case she's working on takes her to Hart Island and that's the end of its importance. Hart Island it seems is used as a graveyard for John and Jane Does. I don't know if it really is used for that in real life, but in the movie it is. (Any New Yorkers out there? Let me know if that's the case. I kind of want to know.) Hart Island is also being purchased by super duper rich old guy Rupert King. (Malcolm McDowell.) King has a plan to build Hope City on the island, thus providing jobs and homes for the homeless. Now at this point in the movie I was pleasantly surprised. King seemed genuinely sincere in this endeavor. While cruising through New York in his limo he even gives a window washing bum 50 bucks! Imagine a rich guy in a "horror" movie that's not a self serving bastard! Now that's new! Too bad that in less than a half hour King will turn into the standard "rich guy that doesn't give a damn about anyone else".

Needless to say, King and his assistant along with Det. O'Keefe and a group of cons that are a labor force for burials end up on the island. Mackloe, King's right hand man gets bitten by a fly, and his decomposed body is found later by the others. For some reason the flies in this movie bite you and you start to decompose really, really fast. And that's the gist of the movie. The flies biting the extra members until only O'Keefe and Tony (one of the cons....who...don't be surprised...is a good guy at heart, is really innocent and was sent to jail unjustly, etc....gag me.)

Here's why I don't like insect movies that much....first of all the flies act with an intelligence that I just can't buy. They manage to trap the humans in a building, they seem to know enough to destroy the phone lines. Stuff like that. Infested was dumb as a box of hammers but it was set in a sort of fantasy world way where you could kind of believe that genetically created monster bugs could act that way. This movie seems grounded in reality which makes it too hard to swallow. Plus the characters do really stupid things. Why does the Captain of the Island's work force go out to find Robby J? They saw Robby J being attacked by a swarm of flies. they knew at that point what the fly bites did to you. Hell, THEY LEFT ROBBY J out in the open so they could escape. So what's the big idea going out there to find him!?

And King...Jeez....at the start of the movie he seemed to be a fairly likable guy, but by the time the insects start attacking he's Snidley Whiplash. For once I'd like to see a multi-gazillionaire in a horror movie that's not a total jackass. Well, it won't be in this movie.

Don't think that any of this is exciting or riveting. Its not. Its boring. I almost fell asleep during the movie and I had no reason to be tired. You know what they should have done? they should have just had freaking zombies coming out of the grave It wouldn't have made the movie a good movie....but it would have at least been better than these stupid flies.

Best Lines:  We get to hear some kids saying a rhyme that I remember saying as a kid. Its not said the same way in the movie, but here's the way I remember it from the Dark Ages when I was a tot: "Never laugh when a hearse goes by, 'cuz you may be the next to die...the worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, the worms play pinochle on your snout, the wrap you in a bloody sheet and put you in a hole that six foot deep."

 Are you kidding me?

1.) I don't even know what made these flies the way they are. A chemical spill? Magic? I don't know. Maybe they explained it at one point, but it must have been when I was in a coma. This movie can do that to ya.

2.) Neely, one of the cons has a lot of body piercing. A lot. I'm not a fan of body piercing, but I thought a convict would have to remove them. I mean, you can't have body piercing in the military so why would a criminal that's been incarcerated be able to have them.? That's just not fair! I wonder if that's so in real life though.

3.) So I guess the office that O'Keefe, King and Tony hide in is airtight. It must be or the swarm of flies right outside the door would just come in in the space under the door. This is a big problem in killer insect movies. Its really difficult to just hide from a swarm of flying insects. If it wasn't you'd never have a fly in your house or a bee in your car.

4.) The nosy reporter seen early in the movie was just there for one reason. To make King look bad. He asked questions about possible illegal actions taken by King and then left. Okay, we get it. He's really not such a nice guy. Since they ruined the only possibly interesting character in the movie by doing that I really lost interest in the movie. I guess Malcolm McDowell just looks too evil to ever play a nice guy.

5.) I refuse to believe that this facility on the island doesn't have an emergency phone or radio somewhere. After all, it has a work force of criminals! You'd think there'd be some kind of way to alert the mainland if the convicts revolted or something!

Nudity and Sex: None

Huh?:

Hey! Flies can...uh...FLY! Why ain't they swarming all over the mainland!? Its not like they can't cross water! What are they? vampire flies? NYC should be teeming with them!

And here I thought they buried bodies deeper than that. It seems in this movie you only need a little teeny hole. Isn't that kind of bad? I don't know much about burials but I'd think that a cheap wooden coffin with only a few feet of dirt on top of it would cause problems, you know with things like erosion and stuff. Stupid movie.

The Final Judgment: Hey boys....crank up the flames!

For being a TOTAL DISAPPOINTMENT Island of the Dead is now SENTENCED to the Island of INFERNAL FLAME where it will burn to ashes daily! The ferry leaves immediately and this flick has a one way ticket! Good riddance!