King Solomon's Mines

THE STORY: This is the kind of movie that the Inferno waits for...something so bad it must be seen so you, my droogies, will have something bad to look forward to watching. Something so bad, its almost fun to watch. This movie is such a direct rip-off of Indian Jones that it should have been billed as such. The TV commercials, the movie posters, anything to do with it, should have read "This movie is a direct and utter rip-off of Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Temple of Doom".

The lead character in this film is Allan Quartermaine. Quartermaine, as I understand it, is a character that has been written about. Well, I don't know about all that. Even so, from what I've gleaned from the Internet Movie Database, the movie doesn't hold true to the character. We first meet Quartermaine and his african sidekick, Umbopo, as they're guiding beautiful blonde Jesse Huston to find her missing father in some African city called Tongola. Her father is being held by a vicious Turk, Dogati,  and a nazi officer named Col. Bockner. Prof. Huston knows the whereabouts of King Solomon's mines and the nazis want the secret. Does this sound familiar? Like maybe Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Quartermaine, Jesse and the African guide, Umbopo free Prof. Huston and learn the secret whereabouts of the mines. They're located between two mountains, shaped exactly like a gigantic pair of boobs and aptly named, Queen Sheba's Breasts. Quartermaine and Jesse get captured by about three different tribes and in the final tribe they learn that Umbopo is the KING. Umbopo frees them and they head for the mines. Col. Bockner and Dogati are directly behind them. For some reason there's an old woman that was ruling the tribe before Umbopo came back and she's in the mine, too trying to kill them. Bockner stabs Dogati in the back twice seemingly killing him. He shoots Dogati a few times, but Dogati comes back. He buries Dogati under tons of stone, but Dogati returns in time to face Quartermaine in a final battle. Obviously Quartermaine wins. I guess he's dead this time, but who cares.

The mines are sealed by volcanic eruptions. (That miraculously don't affect the village right under the [unwrite]in' mountain.) Umbopo tells Quartermaine and Jesse not to be sad because they've lost the fortune of King Solomon's mines...because they at least got to see it. However, Quartermaine and Jesse both sneaked some diamonds out. At the end of the movie when they engage in the obligatory hero- kisses-chick scene they have the diamonds in plain view...with Umbopo's tribe in direct sight. So I wonder if Umbopo and his people were pissed about that. Stupid movie.

Yeah, I skipped a lot...like the upside down tree people scene, the cannibals, the airplane ride, etc. But you're not missing anything you won't see in an Indiana Jones movie. y'know, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was by far the worse movie in that series and it was still ten times better than this crap. I used to think Richard Chamberlain was a great actor...a guy that wouldn't take stupid roles....I know little about him, but my wife like him and I thought he was cool in The Count of Monte Cristo. But he's Allan Quartermaine and I can only say BOO. Now, Sharon Stone, I never thought was any more than a blonde chick that looks good, hence she got a career in the movies. I'll refrain from making comments on how she may have gotten any roles and even from her part in Basic Instinct...because in this movie she sucked ass! I guess this was made before she got an acting lesson...or was able to show that she's a natural blonde. To top off the total rip-off of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Dogati is played by John Rhys-Davies....the same guy that was Indiana Jones's Arab sidekick in those movies and was the fat Professor Arturo on the TV show Sliders.

Best Lines: "The Breasts of Sheba!"-I only add that line so I could say this...ITS A MATTE PAINTING!

"The German Army will not stand for it!"-Colonel Bockner says this every time something doesn't go his way. I believe its for comedy relief and it may have been in a better movie. In this one it gets darn right annoying.

1.) Strike ONE: Within the first ten minutes this film has shamelessly ripped off Indiana Jones. Have the filmmakers no shame or sense of decency? The whole Tongola scene with Jesse being hidden in a rug as she's kidnapped is so ripped off from Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones searches for his lady friend as she's hidden in a basket. Lets face it, this movie was made to cash in on Indiana Jones but its so utterly blatant its sickening. Two strikes left. all three will cost this movie a devil from whatever score it ultimately gets.

2.) OOPS! Strike TWO: I understand this is supposed to be in the late 30's or early 40's...but still, I take racism very seriously, especially when its in a context that kids may see and imitate. This racism crosses my boundaries of storytelling because the terms "Towelhead" and "Camel jockey" are uttered by Jesse and Quartermaine! ( Right to an arab guys face no less...some heroes. Yeah, I'd want my kid to look up to them...NOT!) They're supposed to be the heroes! What kind of message is that for any kids that may watch this? That Arabs deserve to be called those names!? BOO! That is so disgusting.

3.) This movie wouldn't be complete if I didn't add something about the horrifically bad blue screen effects. The FX sucked in general, but man, these are some really poor FX.

4.) Ok. The typical African tribe of cannibals of cannibals capture Quartermaine and Jesse and prepare to cook them in---now get this---a giant pot! Is this a Warner Bros. Cartoon? A Giant POT?! Isn't that cliche even in 1985? Really, they have to be kidding me. To add insult to injury, they escape by rocking the pot so it rolls down a hill with them in it. the problem is the pot that we see rolling has a flat bottom, not a round one. There's no way they could have rocked it, given its size.

4.) Almost right after escaping the cannibals, Jesse and Quartermaine are captured by the Abugwa (sp?) . Now the Abugwa are benevolent...but they spend their lives hanging upside down by vines. Really, this is so stupid you have to see it to appreciate it.

5.) How many [unwrite]ing tribes are they gonna meet in one day? Is this freakin' Gulliver's Travels or something?

6.) Strike #3! The body of Queen Sheba is found entombed in crystal. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it looks like a white woman. I'll check...oh, I will, but I find it hard to believe that Sheba was a Caucasian. I guess since she's "Queen" Sheba she had to be white, huh, like Cleopatra must have looked like Elizabeth Taylor.

7.) When Quartermaine tries to open the sealed stone door in the treasure chamber you can see it bend inwards...it wouldn't be made of Styrofoam instead of stone would it, now?

NUDITY AND SEX: none...and Sharon stone couldn't get naked enough to make this movie any good.

HUH?: So Umbopo is afraid to ride in a truck, but he'll climb on a train. look, just trust me...its kinda stupid.

Umbopo is the king of this tribe?! He knows where the mine is? So why is even helping Quartermaine find it if its sacred? He could just tell him where it is if he wants him to know!!! Plus, if he's the [unwrite]ing king, why is a sidekick to Quartermaine? Who is the old lady that ruled in his stead? What the [unwrite] is going on with that whole idea? If Allan Quartermaine is a literary character I'm sure someone cut out a lot of things from the story, because the whole King Umbopo thing makes no sense!

When Jesse and Quartermaine find the chamber with King Solomon's riches an Indiana Jones type trap is sprung by the old woman. She pushes in a stone and the ceiling starts to lower. The chamber also floods. Colonel Bockner blasts the door open with dynamite, freeing our heroes. When Bockner enters the chamber the roof is back up. How? Did it retract upon having the door blown open? That's pretty fancy engineering for something that must have been built a few thousand years before explosives were discovered!

How come no one else ever discovered this mine? I don't mean another archeologist, either...just any explorer. Theres a convenient doorway in the side of the mountain that leads into the mine! Lets face it...two huge-ass mountains shaped like two big ass tits! Someone would've noticed that! I wonder if theres another twin mountain arrangement, miles south of this one called Queen Sheba's Ass? Its probably chock full of nuggets.

THE TALLY: This movie was such a bad rip-off of Indiana Jones that I almost insist any bad movie fans watch it. What makes it really bad is that it didn't have to be such a rip-off? How hard could it have been to change the story a little so it wouldn't be so similar to RoTLA? Well, it was going to get two devils but it also struck out. Don't play baseball in the Inferno. So it gets only one....as a warning to people that would make such horrid movies...the Inferno is watching you.