Starring:

Starring: Joseph Lawrence, Jeff Conaway, Dorie Barton

Directed by: Thomas Bradford

The Story: I'll bet you wondering whatever happened to Joey Lawrence. You know, the guy that played Blossom's brother on the TV sitcom "Blossom". No....well, I'll be honest.....I wasn't wondering either. But Mrs. Dante has this fixation with Mr. Lawrence. She loves to find anything with him on it, or in it, just to give to me....because its so...I dunno, silly. Bet you didn't know Lawrence had a rock music CD in the 90's. He did. Mrs. Dante gave it to me as a gag gift. Its never even been out of the plastic wrapping.

Now I like my DTV slasher movies as much as the next guy but you have to admit that there ain't too many of them that are all the good. I don't think they were meant to be. There really is no other reason to watch a movie like this except to catch some glimpses of naked chicks and watch people getting hacked to death in the most ludicrous manner. That's why I hate it when a movie like this one all of a sudden tries to be a murder mystery. There's no payoff at the end since there are usually on one or two people left to pick from in a slasher movie.

A group of friends from Tennyson College are going on spring break to Florida. As Beth Morgan begins to leave her dormitory to catch up with her boyfriend, the studly Hank, she's stopped in the hall by FBI Agent Owen Sacker. Sacker wants to ask Beth some more questions about a murder that took place in the dorm a short while ago. As a matter of fact I want to ask some question about that murder. You see, we the audience are treated to it as the movie opens. Some hapless shmuck is killed by some other schmuck in a Scream knockoff costume. (A black cape and hood with a silly mask on...not the ghost face mask Scream made popular though,...that'd probably lead up to a lawsuit) As the murder takes place we see a sign on the wall announcing that its time for Spring Break. So did this murder take place recently as in a few days ago, or did it happen at last years Spring Break? Perhaps Sacker should ask Beth that question....she's none to happy to be talking to him, takes his card and leaves.

Lets fast forward a bit to Florida....Hank and Beth arrive at a truly palatial house they've rented with their friends for Spring Break. Their friends are the usual uninteresting and self absorbed yahoos you'd expect to meet in this movie...Tina, the bitchy one, and Nellie, the somewhat bitchy Latino chick. Tina is there because they needed a girlfriend for Oz the token black character. Finally we end up with Brad, the strange guy that no one seems to like very much. Beth and Brad used to have somewhat of a relationship, in fact Beth tells Hank that she invited him....gee, honey, that's great. Invite your weirdo ex to Spring Break with us. I should mention that Beth spent some time in rehab prior to the beginning of this movie for drug/ alcohol addiction. Hank's a patient guy....Beth is damaged goods, man...and she gets pissed at him later on because she witnesses Tina offering him sex....Hank turns her down, but Beth is still mad at him. (Wouldn't she be mad at Tina instead?)

After listening to the dialogue and watching these guys for a few minutes I was praying for the killer to show up. There's not much joy there, though. When the first killing occurs we see Brad yanked into the shadows as he sits in the boat behind the house, we hear the sounds of death and no one notices that Brad isn't around until the next evening. The next victim isn't even one of the group. Its just some guy that tried to pick up Beth at a club nearby. The killer wastes him in the parking lot, after Hank beats him up inside of the club. (The fight scene is a bit amusing...apparently Joey Lawrence busted some kung fu moves on the guy, but they're so slow and clumsy looking its funny. That and the fact that absolutely no bouncers appear to break it up)

But back to the killer....how the hell do movie killers get their magical powers? The killer here murders Tina and Nellie in the pool for Oz to discover. When Oz gets Hank and Beth there's no blood in the pool. The local redneck sheriff arrests Oz for the murders, but there's absolutely no real proof backing that up. I couldn't tell if they were trying to portray the sheriff as a racist or a just a really dumb mother f***er. Which doesn't matter...the killer comes up behind him in the police station restroom and kills him. Why? I don't know. How? I'd like to know. This killer actually walked into the police station dressed in a black good and cape with a silly mask on, killed the sheriff and escaped without being noticed? Right. Well, he must have done, because Hank and Beth are in the station too, trying to spring their friend Oz. Hank meets foul play off-screen and Beth sees the killer drive away. She follows. ...and if things weren't stupid and convoluted enough now, get this....Oz's parents bail him out and he calls Beth on her cell phone. Then he learns where she is and says he'll get there right away. (She's following the killer for what must have been miles and miles and miles.) This of course raises the question...why didn't Beth just call the police when she saw the killer driving away. Why doesn't she call the police during this three hour car ride she took following him? She has a cell phone and last time I checked 911 worked no matter what state you in!

I'm going to save you the trouble of trying to figure out who the killer really is....its Brad. Apparently he's just pissed off because his friends are all rich. I swear that's the reason, and sadly the "secret". Brad is prepared to kill Beth and Oz, even though Beth has skewered him at one point. But remember, in cheap ass slasher flicks the killer gets to come back from otherwise fatal wounds to try one last time to get the victims....luckily Agent Sacker arrives and blows him away. Just so you'll know Sacker's daughter was killed at Tennyson years ago, but this subplot goes nowhere, so forget I said it. The end.

UGH. Reliving that movie really ruined my morning. The flick did try to be a little different. I mean a little as in really tiny. I'm sure we were all supposed to think Hank was the killer by the time he vanished from the movie. But when Oz and Beth confront Brad he produces Hank's severed head. And yeah, its different to have the only black character survive the movie, but its not that different. Night of the Demons did that years ago. When you add on the fact that the movie was horribly boring and the crappy dialogue (A good chunk of it is listening to Nellie and Tina talk about sex) you really won't want to see this movie. Its beyond me how these kinds of movies always feature characters that are so loathsome I would never want to be around them in the first place. Even Beth, who is the movies Heroine, was pretty disgusting. No offense to the actress, but she has a face sharp enough to slice bread. Put her hair back in a bun and die it black and she could be Frau Bluecker from Young Frankenstein. Oh well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder I guess. 

The only actors you'll immediately recognize...well,....snicker....not immediately....not at all maybe....are of course, Joseph Lawrence as Hank. Agent Sacker was played by Jeff Conaway, a guy that sci-fi fans will know as Zack, from Babylon Five. Conaway was also in Grease.

Best Lines:  “I'll show you my tits for a taco."- A large breasted gal on the beach. Wonder what you could get for a hamburger?

 Are you kidding me?

1.) When we first meet Agent Sacker he looks like he slept in his clothes after an all night drinking binge in a dive bar. I thought the FBI had some kind of standards. I'm not an FBI agent and I've slept in my clothes after an All night drinking binge in a dive bar and I still wouldn't be seen in public looking that rough.

2.) I'd say Hank's a better man than I am....but I'd be lying. He's an idiot. Beth is no better either. She witnesses her "friend" Tina trying to get Hank into bed and Hank actually turns her down. But Beth is mad at Hank for it and makes him sleep on the couch. Funk Dat! Ladies, help me out here...if you saw your man turn down an offer of humpty-hump from an attractive horny slut would you be mad at him or the slut? If you'd be angry at the guy then I say he should have done it! What's he got to lose? Do the right thing and no one has any sex! At least two people will be happy if you do the wrong thing! Considering Beth's reaction, her hatchet sharp face and drug problems I'd drop her like a bag of hot moose [unwrite] if I was Hank. Who needs the extra aggravation?

3.) "People aren't supposed to die on vacation"....Man, that's a dumbass thing to say, Nellie. People aren't supposed to die in senseless auto accidents or mowing their lawns yet they do.

4.) BULLSH*T! I'm throwing bs flags all over this play, Ghost Rider. How the hell did the killer get Nellie's and Tina's bloody bodies out of the pool and clean all of the blood from the pool water in a matter of minutes? How? Its impossible and I'm so sick and tired of movie killers that have the arcane ability to erase any evidence of their presence!

5.) How the hell did Brad get the bodies of his victims to his little hideout? The police must have pout them in the morgue and he certainly didn't get them from there. Stupid movie! A curse upon ye!

6.) The Sheriff asks Sacker what he does at the FBI (in that "I have no respect for you big city types" way you usually see hick law officers say things in cheap ass movies) and Sacker replies "Profiler.". Boy, are we in trouble folks. Sacker is a profiler? How long has he been working on this case then? At least a year! And he has no viable suspects? He must not...or else he'd have been able to warn the others that brad may be the killer. And correct me if I'm wrong, but if he's a profiler why is he investigating this case like Fox Mulder? I'm not sure so I'm asking....are profilers usually deployed like field agents?

Nudity and Sex: None

Huh?:

Beth reacts to Sacker when we first meet him with a little bit of ....well, lets say, disrespect. Ok, I'll admit Sacker looks like the cat just dragged him in, but he's still a Federal Agent investigating a Murder Case! Why is she being such a bitch towards him. Youth....I tell you, the youth of today have no respect.

After the murder at the club Sacker interviews our cast. Don't ask me how he connected the dots to figure that someone is after them specifically at this point, but Tina gets upset ad announces that she's calling her parents and going to the airport. Now, stop me if I'm wrong here...Sacker is investigating a murder case, right? What makes Tina think she can just leave, just like that? If Sacker has any reason to believe that she may be involved somehow can't he legally hold her there?

How can the sheriff of a small resort town have access to the personnel records of FBI Agent Sacker? Especially this sheriff. He's just a fat hick. I guess the sheriff (or the script writer ) didn't know that Federal Employee's records are protected under the Privacy Act.

The Final Judgment: Wow...its been awhile since the Infernal Hosts have seen a flick this deserving of damnation. But we gotta call 'em like we see 'em. Don't waste your bucks on this flick, my droogies....

For the Crime of being a worthless piece of schlock with no entertainment value I now sentence Do you Wanna Know a Secret to Infernal Swamp of Crappy DTV's, where it shall forever be hounded by three headed alligators and mosquitoes with two heads but no butts! So Speaks the Inferno!