Starring: Kim Milford, Cheryl Smith, Gianni Russo

Directed by: Michael Rae

The Story: Ay Yi Yi! I've never seen the MST3K version of this movie but I've heard it was hilarious. Too bad that without the heckles of Mike and the 'bots this movie less appealing than a piece of corn stuck in Lucifer's turd.

It's a simple story and one that should at least yield some cool action and wanton destruction. But you won't even get that! Some Stop Motion alien Gecko-Men chase an unnamed man through the desert. The unnamed and soon-to-be-burnt-to-a crisp man has some kind of laser gun, presumably the property of the Stop Motion Gecko-Men. Well, the Gecko-Men don't take kindly to having a mere human carryin' their stuff so the blast him with their own laser gun and turn him into a man sized scorch mark in the sand. Then they promptly climb into their spaceship and leave the laser gun in the desert!

Then we meet Billy Duncan. Now, the DVD case says Billy's never been able to fit in anywhere. I suppose we're supposed to feel that Billy is persecuted by his peers and the locals and that's why he's kind of the odd man out. Even Billy's mom leaves him to go on vacation to Acapulco. I can offer a reason to why no one really likes Billy. He's BORING! He's not an outcast because he's a strange guy or a Star Trek nerd or anything...he's just stiflingly, mind numbingly boring! I guess dull people ain't to welcome in those parts because deputies Ungar and Jeep, and really old teenagers Chuck and Froggy delight in giving Billy a hard time. The only person that likes Billy it seems is his girlfriend, Kathy. Well, to make a long story short, Billy finds the alien laser gun and an alien medallion in the desert. He begins using it to get revenge on those who've tormented him, and goes around blowing things up. Some government agent arrives but his purpose is never made really clear, and Roddy McDowell has a cameo as the town doctor who notices something strange when he examines Billy.

Unfortunately the movie isn't even as exciting as that might make it sound. Billy starts to change every time he uses the alien weapon into a green faced vampire looking guy. Meanwhile out in the milky way the Stop Motion Gecko-Men get a call from the King of the Stop Motion Gecko-Men. Although we can't understand their squawking language, its pretty clear that he's saying something like "You IDIOTS! You left the Ultimate Laser Powered Paintball Gun of Death on Earth and now some jerk is using it again! Get your butts back down there and get it before I break my clay foot off in your stop motion asses!".

And that's the best part of the movie.

Eventually Billy transforms fully into a green faced vampire looking dude and starts his rampage. It seemed like forever till this part started. The Stop Motion Gecko-Men arrive and blast him with some kind of pink and blue Sissy Ray and take the weapon. Cheryl cries over Billy's body. The end.

This flick was a waste. The only way it could possibly be fun to watch is if you just constantly crack wise while its on. still its considered a cult classic by some, and I guess that's in the way the Plan 9 from Outer Space is considered classic. I almost started to half way enjoy the laser blast scenes except that Billy goes into these odd contortions when he blows stuff up, brandishing the weapon like its a guitar and he's on a really old heavy metal rock video! The special effects....are well, special in the way that the kids on the small bus are, but they're cool in a goofy "this sucks" way. At least the Stop Motion Gecko-Men were interesting.

Best Lines:  None that actually caught my attention, except the squawking of the Stop Motion Gecko-Men.

 Are you kidding me?

1.) Its hard to feel bad for Billy because he's not sympathetic. First of all, when we first meet the deputies Ungar and Jeep they stop Billy for a traffic violation. Billy whines that his insurance will go through the roof because he's got other violations. Hey, Billy, you're the prick that can't drive! Even though Ungar and Jeep are jerks its not their fault you get tickets! Then when Billy sees Froggy and Chuck they challenge him to a race....and Billy accepts! (his van stalls out so he doesn't race them) Still, if you think its a good idea to drag race with two buttheads right after you get a ticket, I don't feel too sorry for ya. F*ckin' dumbass.

2.) Billy is dull. Watching him in this movie is dull. When Billy's mom makes her one and only appearance...sneaking out of the house in order to go on her vacation without him I think she should have told him when he caught her "I'm going to Acapulco without you son, because you're a real drag. Hanging out with you is about as much fun as eating broken glass.".

3.) When Billy finds the alien weapon it's because it vaporized a bottle he threw on the ground. (Litterbug.) So then he sticks his arm in it and begins playing around with the friggin' thing, making "Pow! Pow!" noises. When it goes off for real he's pleasantly surprised, but let me ask you this....if you saw a strange metallic gun looking thing disintegrate a bottle you just threw near it, would you put your arm into it?

4.) When Billy's "friends" are questioned about things they're made to wait for their interviews OUTSIDE of the police station on a bench! Wow, this town really needs a budget!

Nudity and Sex: Billy and Kathy have sex. I have to throw up.

Huh?:

Billy gets invited to a party where he spends the entire time sleeping by the pool. What a fun guy. No wonder he doesn't have any friends!

Eddie Deezen, who plays Froggy is annoying as hell. Without checking I know I've seen him in other movies as the same character basically. The little weasely guy that hangs out with his tougher buddy and has a grating wuss boy voice. Has anyone ever had a friend like this guy in real life? If anything, Froggy should be the one no one likes in town and finds the laser blaster! Chuck should hang out with Billy! Billy's a drip, but at least he's a somewhat normal looking drip. Froggy looks like the kid that used to get beat up in High School.

Chuck and Froggy try to rape Kathy. Billy stops them, but Cheryl knocks Chuck out by hitting him with a badminton racket! Yet, no one bothers to maybe tell the police? Uh, well, considering the police consist of a dumb sheriff with two equally dumb deputies I guess that makes sense.

Why did the aliens vaporize the first guy with the Ultimate Laser Powered Paintball Gun of death, but they don't vaporize Billy? Did they just really hate the first guy real bad?

So much for superior alien intelligence. The Stop Motion Gecko-Men forget they killed the first guy in order to get their weapon back? Now that's stupid!

The Final Judgment: Don't bother with this one unless you really just want to see it or you really like sh*tty movies. Its pretty bad and that's no lie. But the Stop Motion Gecko-Men are cool so if you do rent it, just speed through to their parts. Label this one for bad movie fans or masochists only, my droogies.