Lethal Ninja

THE STORY: Do you want to be a Ninja? Sure, We all do! Its easy! all you need is a ninja suit! Trust me! That's all the creators of this movie needed! Man, the characters were so sucky I could have kicked their asses! Note to future makers of any kind of Ninja movies---it helps if the actors know at least a little teeny-tiny bit of martial arts!

This movie fails in every way. In a nutshell, some criminals in an African country kidnap Dominique, a microbiologist. When her estranged husband, an ex-CIA Ninja (!) Joe, gets wind of this he heads off to rescue her with his best friend, the obligatory black sidekick, Pete Brannigan. They meet several people including the bad guys in completely uninspiring and unconvincing fight scenes. The fights have to be seen to be believed. Not only are blows thrown with so little force you doubt they could dent a marshmallow, swords are  used in a manner that you can tell that they are very dull props. Eventually Brannigan and Joe are caught, but the lead bad guy, Osman, has a girlfriend, Farida, that betrays him. She frees the two Americans, who in turn free Dominique and blow up the bad guys base...a hotel. Joe confronts Osman on some kind of tower, that, for the life of me, I can't figure out why he would go there. We never actually find out why the bad guys want Dominique...we only know they are poisoning the water and need her to help them...but for what ultimate purpose? In this movie it doesn't matter...you only need to know the bad guys are bad and the good guys are good. I've seen more clarity of motivation in an episode of the Transformers*.

How in the name of the Good Lord did this movie even get made?It sucked so badly I'm in amazement that no one ever said during its production "This script is cow [unwrite]! Lets stop!" What demented minds decided to distribute it? I expected it to be really really dumb, but I was unprepared for its sheer hellish badness! The action scenes were as exciting as watching paint dry. Truly, I use more muscle power brushing my teeth! Check this....there's a scene with ninjas fighting on roller skates! I hope real ninjas go after the makers of this film.

Best Lines: "Come see Africa, come see my roots...."- Brannigan complains to the Joe about the trouble they have in Africa. I'm shocked that they didn't kill Brannigan off...you know how the minority sidekick always gets killed in these cheapo buddy flicks. My guess is there was no money in the budget for fake blood.

1.) What is this? First wave? Apparently there's a slim connection in the prophecies of Nostradamus to the trouble in Africa. Trust me, Old Nosty is rolling in his grave. I wish he'd predicted how sucky this movie was...he could have saved many people a lot of agony!

2.) There are some scenes where the actors voices are clearly dubbed in. The African guy that helps Joe and Brannigan is a good example. He sounds like Clint Howard from the movie Ice Cream Man! Really!  Were the accents to hard to understand or was it----the dialogue was so terrible that they had to replace it! Even Dominique is dubbed in some parts! Yikes!

3.) This movie should be used to show film students how NOT to choreograph a fight! The fight scenes are awful! My wife could beat this ninjas with one hand behind her back! (Yeah, my wife is tough...she's an ex-soldier, but still...you don't have to be tough to beat these [unwrite]s) Get this...the ninjas...about ten of them...fight Joe with roller skates on Roller skates! Is this a roller derby revival? Again, please, real Ninjas...go after the person that thought this up!

4.) When Joe and Brannigan come upon a bad guy stronghold, Joe tells Brannigan to lose the bow....Brannigan carries a crossbow with explosive arrows. Brannigan just throws the thing in the bushes. Now, lets ignore the fact that there's a ninja guard only a few yards away and he should have heard them...why throw a good weapon away? A crossbow is a bulky weapon and not easy to load, but still...it makes no sense!

NUDITY AND SEX: A little...who [unwrite]in' cares? This movie was awful!

HUH?: Joe finds his gear in hall after he's freed. I guess the bad guys left it there in case he needed it.

There's a lot of Africans held in cages. This is never explored. Are the bad guys holding them as slave labor? We don't find out. But then NOTHING makes sense in this dog turd of a movie.

The President of this African country shows up in the middle of this movie and dismisses a business proposition by Osman. He also shows up at the end to thank Brannigan and Joe for their help. This means the Pres knew Osman was up to no good. So why didn't he just have Osman arrested? He needed these two guys to blow [unwrite] up in order to discover his country was in trouble? If its that easy I'm going to overthrow some stupid little country! I'll name it Dante Utopia...and bad movies like this will be executed in public! Anyone making a movie like this within my borders will be flogged with wet video tapes until dead, dead, DEAD!

THE TALLY: Yow! this flick was horrible! It was so bad that I actually had to split watching it into two sessions! I couldn't watch the whole thing in one day! The roller skating ninjas cost it one devil alone! I'm scared however...somewhere out there someone must have actually liked this movie! That person is the antichrist! If you like REALLY bad movies, this is one to pick. Other than that this movie deserves to be buried under a mound of Lucifer's turds....its plain bad. (although it is so bad a few may laugh at it...but only the strong of heart!)

*The Transformers was an 80's cartoon show about 'robots in disguise'. They turned into cars and [unwrite]. I'm sure you remember it if you remember the 80's. It was really a half hour commercial disguised as cartoon to sell the toy robots.  My point is that this stupid cartoon had more character development and motivation than this movie did. At least I knew why Megatron was evil and why he wanted to to steal the earth's energy supply. (Actually I didn't think the Transformers were stupid. Optimus Prime was pretty cool)