THE STORY: Don't ever let anyone tell you that its easy to write a science fiction story. Its not. You may not be a scientist, but rudimentary knowledge of science is  sorely needed in such an endeavor. Without that even the best of story ideas boil down to child-like tales such as: "Aliens come to Earth to kill people". Why would they do that? Is there a reason?

Take this sorry-ass movie for an example. The aliens ultimately have a reason for being there, but why is there a base on the floor of the ocean? What purpose does it serve? Especially when we learn that the Earth's surface has been rendered almost completely uninhabitable. Wouldn't resources be needed elsewhere? Why am I asking these questions? The movie ultimately sucked. Really sucked. Everyone in it ought to be ashamed. Movies like this really piss me off and they drive the demons of the Inferno into a frenzy. It unexceptable that there are people starving in the world yet money was spent to make this horrible movie.

The Martel Corporation runs Neptune Base, an undersea base serving little purpose. Research I guess, but since the ozone layer is gone I don't see how much use an undersea base is going to be. There are the usual characters in this movie...the evil commander, Dobler, and then there's Jack and Claire. Claire is a scientist/ Doctor and Jack is a computer specialist. There are more people but who friggin' cares? they all end up dead and none of the actors in these parts where anywhere near as good as they'd have to be to get any recognition.

Basically there are aliens that have a secret undersea colony. They only want what's good for us. So they go through some elaborate plan of replacing a crew member of Neptune base with goo and somehow contacting Claire with telepathy. As it all ends up, Claire finds the alien base. But Dobler, who by default has to be a bad guy kills almost everyone else. Except for Jack since he's Claire's boyfriend. Claire and Jack escape to the alien's habitat and find that most of the crew have not been killed but rescued by the aliens. Yahoo.

Now, I'll admit, that was a short and sweet plot synopsis there. But I will be damned if I'm going to waste more time than I have to on this movie. I've had a copy of it for years and I've never been able to stomach enough of it to watch it all the way through. I finally did and it seemed like DAYS passed until it was over. This movie really sucked cock, ladies and gentlemen. The acting is BELOW laughable. The story is at best, written by a twelve year old. That considering the year it was written, mind you.

How does Roger Corman sleep at night? Isn't there another job he could be good at without making completely [unwrite]ty movies? I mean, didn't anyone ask him to "Why is Martel Corporation so evil and want to kill the aliens except for the fact that they have to be the bad guys?". I would have. Why do mega corporations always have to be the supreme evil in movies? How can a corporation have such control? Wouldn't people rebel? Wouldn't governments actively try to destroy such a monstrous power? It takes far more "common workers" than executives to run a corporation. Wouldn't they fight back? In a good movie these questions would probably be answered or at least a plausible reason would be given...but in Lord of the Deep? May God protect your eternal soul if you think too deeply about this movie.

Claire was played by Priscilla Barnes. She was on Three's Company after Suzanne Sommers quit that show...so right there you get the idea of what caliber of actress played the lead in this pitiful extravaganza. If Ms. Barnes ever reads this...and I'm not even trying to be mean....Ms Barnes, you really can't act very well. But you are a pretty lady. I hope you find happiness outside of acting. Because its not your forte'.

That was as nice as I could say it.

Best Lines: "I only know that something is trying to tell me something out there...and I have to go out there...and I've got to go out there and find out what it is!"-  Claire is determined to find out what the aliens are trying to say.

"Jack, thank God you're all right!...Oh God, you're hurt!"- Claire when she finds the injured Jack.

1.) By the Hoary Hosts of Hell, Priscilla Barnes CANNOT act. This fact is even more glaring since none of the acting in this movie is above, say, Junior High School Play level. But Barnes is so utterly, incredibly awful in her part its painful to watch. I've never met her and I'm embarrassed for her!

2.) So this computer can scan violent activity in the alien's containment cell, but can't just tell you if the alien has escaped? What kind of cheap ass computer is that? I guess no one thought that a video camera might be useful. At least then, they could see what happened! But that'd be a smart thing to do....something I wouldn't expect of anyone that would name a computer "Trilby".

3.) Barbara dies right after she discovers that Commander Dobler has ordered all of the oxygen to be removed from the room she's in. Trilby the computer, is programmed to disregard orders like that for obvious reasons, she says, but Trilby answers that the commander's orders supercede all others. Okay...who the hell made this rules? It can't be part of the original programming in the computer! If it was who would want to work there? Piss off the boss and he'll suffocate your ass! If this movie had a nanobyte of good writing Dobler would have been introduced as a master programmer. Then I could believe that he sabotaged the computer in some way. As it is, this part just made the movie look even dumber...which, trust me, is a feat.

4.) Claire goes to the alien colony and returns. She tells Dobler about a massive earthquake coming so they have to evacuate. Now, Claire must know by now that Dobler is no good. But she acts like this all a matter-of-routine. She just came back from an alien undersea base!!!! This is big news! A quake is coming to kill them all! But none of this is shown with the slightest bit of urgency or tension. This movie sucks worse than I dreamed in my wildest nightmares!

NUDITY AND SEX:  None really. Claire is in a nightgown, but even if she was nude and mud wrestling with Elle McPherson, it wouldn't help.

HUH? : When we first see Claire and Jack together they're having a n intimate moment...sitting on the hallway floor!!! Why the hell are they on the floor!? They can't find a better place with more privacy? they have to sit on the floor of a hallway? High School students can find places better than that!

Aren't there any launch protocols for the mini-subs on Neptune Base? Claire just takes one and no one knows anything about it until the berths are visually inspected? What the hell?

Hold on there! Dobler says that 70% of the earth's surface in uninhabitable? So how the freaking hell can there be any human life left? More to that, human life that can build undersea bases. If that much of the Earth was useless wouldn't resources be really really hard to come by? Too hard to come by to build an undersea base for a handful of people? 70%!! I'm no scientist, but I just don't think we'd be around at all if there were only 30% of the earth where humans could live without being burnt to a crisp. Heck, that 30% could all be located in the frozen wastes of the the north for all we know!

If there was even the chance of an earthquake developing on the same spot as the base, why would Martel even build it there?

THE TALLY: It should be no suprise, the fate of this flick. Read now, its destiny from the book of the Inferno....

And Lo, my companion Virgil unrolled a large papery thing. And on this papery thing were pictures of the ocean and longitudes and latitudes.

Virgil pointed at a location and then he spake aloud: "There! There in the Devil's triangle shalt this movie rest! To be consumed by time warps and dragons and beast that no mortal man can ever conceive!"

I handed Virgil the tape, knowing full well that it deserved its fate.

And Virgil looked up at me and smiled. "The road to hell is paved with things such as this my friend."