Mach 2

Starring Brian Bosworth, Cliff Robertson, Michael Dorn and Shannon Whirry

THE STORY: Let me start off by saying that I have nothing personally against Brian Bosworth. I've seen a few of his movies, none that have been judged in the Inferno...YET....and I have to ask this. Usually I'll see a Boz movie touting "The Boz is back!" or something like that. Back from where? Bad movie land? because as personable as Boz may be his movies suck like a black hole.

I should have learned. Years ago I rented a Boz movie called "Virus". I barely remember much of it since its overwhelming badness gang raped those brain cells into a whimpering silence. But this movie...oooh....

Boz is USAF Captain Jack Tyree, an anti-terrorist expert. The movie starts off okay for a really cheap and ultimately crappy flick, by using the old action movie formula of showing the hero doing really heroic and kick-ass things at the beginning. Tyree beats up some terrorists on a train and saves the day...yay.

Then the darkness comes. already my brain is trying to forget it. There's a plot about a computer disk that exposes a plot by the president or vice president or both to keep the war in the Balkans going because its good for the US economy. Whoa, there, Nelly...that can't be the same Balkan conflict that happened in this Universe! I mean how in any way shape or form was it good for the US economy? Its not like WWII or anything. Is it putting Rosie the rivetter back in business? The disk with all of the proof on it ends up in the hands of  a presidential candidate, who is flying to the Balkans to broker a peace on the Concorde. Tyree for some reason is assigned to his security detail.

And mass stupidness occurs.

I'd probably try to go into detail if any of it was interesting. Its not. Michael Dorn is a rogue Secret service agent, hired by the evil administration to retrieve the disk. What the hell was Dorn doing in this movie? Not enough Trek money coming in? I'd have more respect for him if just schmaltzed the fan boys at Star trek Conventions for bucks.

None of that really matters. The movie is padded out with remarkably bland scenes. The meat of the story is how Captain Jack Tyree must land the Concorde even though he doesn't know how to fly. But lets be serious...how many people reading this have never seen a movie where an unqualified person must land an airplane...if you haven't raise your hand. Ok...if you just raised your hand go watch more movies because you haven't watched many movies obviously. But don't rent this one. It may be hard to imagine but even the action scenes are boring. The parts between them are intolerable.

Nope, I'm calling this one DOA. Its only interesting feature is the fact that so many well-known (but perhaps not truly famous) actors are in it. And one more thing....Cliff Robertson? Talk about ruining any tension. When has Cliff Robertson ever been a good guy in a b-movie? Oh, and Bruce Weitz is in here too, as an investigative reporter. Remember him from Hill Street Blues? No? Don't worry about it...he probably doesn't want to be remembered for this movie anyway.

BEST LINES :  "Do I have to kill all of you!??" -Man, if Michael Dorn's delivery of that line didn't remind you that he was Worf from Trek, nothing will.

1.)  Um...if he's so uncomfortable with flying why does he sit halfway out of the helicopter when it takes off. (Oh, it supposed to funny....see, he's in the air force...oh, crap...we're in trouble when the movie starts off with such a lame joke.)

2.)  There is absolutely no way the terrorist chick don't hit anyone in that crowded train car with an automatic weapon. For the love of Smith and Wesson, do the people that make these movie realize how bullets work?

3.)  I've been trying to get over this...my usual nitpicking of military uniforms as portrayed in movies...but dammit, Boz could at least button his damn [unwrite] all the way up. Look gang, I don't care if you're the most buffed out guy on the continent, when in uniform you have to wear it right. Boz has his shirt open like he's going to be in a [unwrite]in' Springsteen video from the mid eighties. Also he has no nametag on his shirt, but somehow the sergeant with him does....so its not an inconsistency, its that Captain Tyree is an idiot. (Well, as I said the sergeant has HIS nametag on...and NCO's do lead the way...)

4.)  Geez...to be indelicate...that one secret service guy looks like [unwrite]ing Skeletor. His expression is that of man giving a really big [unwrite] while constipated. He's all wrinkles and crooked teeth.

NUDITY AND SEX:  none

HUH? :  For the love of Gus! If they wanted to make me think we were watching air traffic controllers in France they could have tried making the room look a little different from the one we saw the American Air Traffic controllers in. Not to mention you can see a freaking palm tree in the background through a window if you  look hard enough.

This is not something limited to this movie...but to all action movies. I just want someone somewhere to tell me is that easy to break a dude's neck. You all know the drill in the movies. Wrap your forearm around a guy's neck and twist his head with your free arm...you hear a really loud crunch and the guy is dead. Having never killed a person can someone tell me about that move?

Tyree's nickname is "Washout" because he's not a pilot. Okay, maybe he just didn't make it through flight school, but everyone seems to think its strange that an Air Force officer can't fly a plane. If you actually believe that everyone in the Air Force can fly a plane you've been watching to many GI Joe episodes and Iron Eagle movies.

I won't even go into how ridiculous the landing of the plane and everything that came after it was.

THE FINAL JUDGMENT:  I found this piece of [unwrite] under the new release section of my local B-movie dispensary...so by doing this I might be saving countless souls from wasting their time and money.Not only is it bad, its BORING too!

Mach 2, you have been found guilty of being insipid, stupid and boring in an entirely new way. Chaos theory has yet to delve into the origins of your mediocrity. Thus you are sentenced to be fly forever in the smog filled skies of the Inferno, forever breathing the funky stench of other bad movies until eternity itself finds an end.