Starring:Matthew Le Nevez, Rachael Taylor, Jack Thompson, Rawiri Paratene
Directed byBrett Leonard
Written by Steve Gerber (character), Hans Rodionoff
The Story:
The tagline for the comic book was “Whosoever knows fear, burns at the Man-Thing’s Touch!”. They didn’t use it in this movie. Oh, you didn’t know that Man-Thing was comic book character? I can understand that, he’s not exactly a well known character. If I didn’t know he was a Marvel Comics character I’d have thought this was a porno movie when I saw the title on the box. (Do they know how many raunchy jokes you can make with a character called “Man-Thing”?)
This is kind of what surprised me here. I didn’t know that anyone had even made a Man-Thing movie, and if I didn’t just happen to see it in the cheapo DVD bin while shopping I never would have known. My guess is that Marvel Entertainment is desperate for cash and that’s why they’ve been pimping even their lesser known characters hoping to turn a buck. (Come on folks, no matter how much you liked Frank Miller’s run on Daredevil, do you think that Elektra was really a tier one character for her own movie…..? Hmmmmm?) I don’t have anything against this. I like comic book movies, at least good ones, so hey, if they’re gonna make ‘em, I’m gonna watch ‘em. What’s interesting about the Man-Thing movie is that it’s different enough from the comic book that you could have just called it “Swamp Monster” and no one would have noticed at all. This is a different Man-Thing than what was in the comic books.
The comic book version of Man-Thing was made in the early 70’s. Let me get this out in the open first…though DC’s Swamp-Thing and Marvel’s Man-Thing have a lot of similarities, they both were created around the same time. I don’t think one was ripped off from the other. Anyway, the comic book has a scientist named Ted Sallis murdered in a southern swamp by some kind of terrorists that are after his secret formula. The formula and some magic mumbo jumbo in the swamp turn his body into the mindless Man-Thing. Man-Thing, unlike Swamp Thing, has no thinking processes of his own, he’s kind of empathic. Good emotions arouse curiosity from him, but violent emotions like hate, anger or fear cause him pain so he goes nutso. And when he goes crazy he secretes super-acid from his muck-made body which burns his victims to death. (Kind of a bummer for a monster to have that kind of super power….I mean, who wouldn’t be scared if they saw Man-Thing? Even Mother Theresa would have bought it) Man-Thing didn’t have an agenda or mission. He was just this slimy monster made of mud and rotting vegetation in a swamp that went around burning people when they saw him and inevitably wet their pants at the sight of him. Somehow they worked in some superhero adventures for him, and I guess the monster is still roaming the swamps. That’s about all of my knowledge of Man-Thing right there. I didn’t read the comic book (I’m old, but even then I was a bit to young for it) even though I’ve read comics where he had a cameo.
The movie Man-Thing is quite different. He’s still Ted Sallis, murder victim, but in the flick he’s a Native American shaman, not a scientist. (maybe I should say ‘was’….). Sheriff Kyle Williams starts his first day on the job in the small Louisiana town of Bywater with trouble forming. As his deputy Eric Fraser explains, many people have disappeared in the local swamp, too many for it to be a coincidence. By the way, Williams is one of those “very young” movie sheriffs; you know, a guy around 29 to 35 years old (if the actor is even that old) even though no one in real life would buy this guy as the sheriff. I’m not saying it couldn’t happen, but even the other characters in the movie remark on how they expected someone a bit older to be the new sheriff. Anyway, the body of one of the missing people is found, and it’s rotted and full of swamp vegetation even though the poor f*ck has only been missing for one day. Williams starts to question the medical examiner about this but he’s called away to the oil refinery of Jake Schist. Protesters angry about Schist’s drilling in the swamp have chained themselves to machinery and naturally Schist wants them to go to hell so he can get about raping the land. Apparently this is Native American land that Schist has ownership of and his drilling is a desecration. What I find funny is the most outspoken protester isn’t one of the Native American population….its the local schoolteacher who of course is some blue-eyed, blond white chick. This made me laugh my ass off! What, the Native American’s aren’t capable of airing their own grievances? Would it have killed them to find a Native American actress (or at least someone that maybe looked like a Native American rather than Swiss Miss) to fill that part? Of course this woman, Teri, is outspoken, plucky and close to every Native American that has any part in this flick…all three of them. Let’s just skip ahead here a bit….because really nothing that out of the ordinary for a movie happens. The Man-Thing kills a few of the designated targets, who you will know when you first see them. First of all, it’s a flick taking place in a swampy southern town filled with hicks and rednecks. Do you really think the Ultra Trashy Thibedeaux brothers are not going to have their guts introduced to open air? Or the rascist guy at the refinery that has an unlit cigarette in his mouth all of the time and complains about “injuns and coloreds”? Do you think Schist isn’t gonna have a swamp root shoved up his ass? Did you honestly believe that Schist, the redneck, rich oil tycoon didn’t have something to do with Sallis’ murder? The problem here is that if you do know of the Man-Thing comic you’ll be watching this movie for things that remind you of the comic. But other than a few names you won’t find any. If you named this movie anything else like "The Plant-thing” or “Horror in the Swamp!” no one would have noticed a damn thing. It’s a typical “Monster on the rampage flick”. That’s a bit disappointing to comic book fans, because I was waiting for the patented Man-thing “I’m killing you with acid ‘cuz you’re scared of me” manuever. They even changed Man-Thing’s origin…Sallis became the Man-thing because of Native American magic, not due to his secret formula. The only relation to the comic is the title and a few names. Now I’m not saying Man-Thing is a bad movie. Its not….trust me, I’ve seen worse…but it’s a bad comic book movie since it has nothing really to do with the comic book. That’s to bad, too. We know this Man-Thing has an agenda and a working mind behind his actions. The real Man-Thing kind of stumbled into trouble. But then that might have taken more time and effort to come up with a script for. That seems to be something lacking in a lot of movies I’ve seen lately….interesting stories. The real Man-Thing would have been interesting.Best Lines: “Thats about as friendly as I'm going to get. "- Williams after he shows the redneck brothers who's boss.
“You'd better be arresting me because I'm gonna kick your city boy ass!" -Teri when she first meets Williams.
Are you kidding me?
1.) I’m not from the southern US, but I’ve been there and I’ve met people from that location. That’s why I was suspicious of the “southern accents” used in the movie. Teri just didn’t sound right to me. After looking it up on the IMDb I see that the movie was filmed in Australia and most of the cast is Australian….that explains it! (Its cheaper to film in Australia than Lousiana? WTF?)
2.) Ok, in the synopsis I complained about Teri being the mouthpiece for the Native American interests in the movie…and rightly so I believe. As per the norm in flicks, the Native Americans are shown to have little political or business savvy, but they play the “one with the land” card with Peter Horn and Rene LaRoque. As cliché’ as that is though, I wonder about the portrayal of some of the other townsfolk. With the exceptions of Teri, Deputy frasier and Ploog (and Ploog doesn’t really count since he’s not a born-there local, which is why Williams doesn’t count either) all of the other people are shown as semi-literate, ignorant, never-seen-a-freakin’-dentist, unwashed freakazoids. I’m quite certain that not every Good Ol’ boy is a complete pile of human garbage. Hmmm…but then again, I did know a guy from Mississipi that was such a cliche’ crytozoologists had to confirm his existance.
3.) So, the medical examiner has known all the time that the people killed in the swamp had roots and stuff shoved seemingly through the inside of their bodies out. Its kind of like an X-file. What I can’t believe is that he didn’t contact someone outside of Bywater about such a strange find. Think about it….a dead deer on the side of a road is just roadkill. A dead deer on the side of the road that’s inside out is kind of a hint to call someone about.
4.) Doctor Freex has said it before and it still holds true…if you show nudity in the first few minutes of a movie, its not particularly a good sign. The first people we see in the movie are a young couple in the swamp doin’ the nasty in a canoe. Now I have to ask you, is that the best place to get laid? Isn’t a canoe uncomfortable for that and in danger of tipping over? Besides aren’t swamps known for mosquitoes and other crap that you don’t particularly want to be butt ass naked around? It doesn’t help that this swamp also has the danger of an 8 foot tall green monster that can rip you in two like a piece of wet toilet paper.
5.) I don’t get it….according to what I think I understand, Schist brought the land from the local tribe all legal like….well, except for the fact that he killed Sallis because Sallis wouldn’t sell. Does the tribal Elder have unilateral power to make decisions like that? One would think that it would take a vote or something. I don’t know how the whole tribe thing works. If you know, inform the Inferno. I can’t believe a Native American tribe selling their ancestral land to an oil shark like Schist even in a movie about a gooey swamp monster!
6.) When Williams first finds Rene hiding in the swamp he turns his head for a split second and suddenly Rene is gone. Wow, I guess he can really meld into the shadows and move like a some kind of seminole ninja, because it would be physically impossible to move in several feet of swamp water into the brush without making a single sound, ripple of water or motion of the vegetation. Batman eat your heart out!
NUDITY AND SEX: Some girl and her boyfriend have sex in a canoe which should win them a Guiness book entry or something. The girls boobs are seen.
Huh?:
Would you go looking for a murder suspect in the swamp at night alone? Williams does and he’s not from the place…he’s a city boy that took the job as sherrif to get away from it all.
I find it funny when the ME says something about the damage to the bodies could only be done by a gator to willioams while there’s all of these plant growth and places where Man-Thing punctured the victims with his spiny root like things on the body. Yeah, a lot of alligators impale their victim with giant sticks.
The oil pump Schist has in the swamp is kind of dinky. I admit I don’t know a damn thing about oil drilling but isn’t that dinky little thing in the swamp kinda small? And why is it so far from the main refinery?
Man-Thing in the comic books was mindless. The only motivation behind any of its attacks was the pain that fear caused it. I don’t remember which comic book it was (I think it was an old Marvel Team Up but don't quote me on that....after all it's been about 15 years since my super-ultra-took-me-years-to-build-up Comic book collection was destroyed by flooding) but I remember seeing Man-Thing turn around and shamble away from someone he was pursuing because the person had gotten out of its empathic radius. This Man-Thing however is just plain mean. Yes, the movie Man-Thing is some weird reincarnation of the murdered Ted Sallis, come to get his revenge, but he kills a few people that to be honset, weren’t a threat to it or its swamp. The big tittied chick and her boyfriend at the beginning of the movie weren’t doing anything wrong. (well, except for breaking the B-movie horror movie of having sex in a dangerous place)
When the refinery thing blows up Teri and Williams dive under the water to escape being toasted to a crispy cruncjh. But they were practically next to thing! Even if the flames didn’t burn them because they were under water isn’t there any kind of concussive force behind that blast? A shockwave? Being that close to it even underwater would probably really hurt your ears at least.
The Final Judgment: This movie lands in the middle, and heres why…if you have no idea about the Man-Thing comic book this movie will actually probably make more sense. I’m telling you if you renamed it “The Horrible Ooze Monster!” no one would ever know the difference. If you do however have some knowledge of Man-Thing you’ll be a bit disappointed in the flick. Its Man-Thing in name only. (The monster doesn’t look bad, but it looks too malevolent to be the REAL Man-Thing) The Inferno gives the movie 3 devil heads though. Its not so bad that you’ll want to kick your TV screen in, but its not what die hard comics fans would think of the creature.
