Mark of the Devil

THE STORY: I don't think any film makers nowadays would dare say that their movie is "The most frightening movie ever made" and that barf bags will be handed out in the theater because the movie has scenes that aren't for the weak of heart. Well, they wouldn't say that now, but they said that when this movie was released in the US in the early 70's. As you might guess there's nothing in this movie that is really going to shock you. That is unless you just haven't seen a movie since the 70's.

Europe, sometime in the past....around the 17th century I'd guess. There's a town that isn't named and a witch finder named Albino. Albino is a pretty slimy guy. He accuses people of witchcraft, they get tortured and burned at the stake. Albino also uses his authority to rape and bully people. Unfortunately for him, Christian, a young nobleman is sent to this town, to prepare the castle for Lord Cumberland. Cumberland is some big wig witch finder guy that works directly for the prince or king or something. Christian is is his protege. Albino and Christian don't get along too well. Christian is kind of just for a witch finder. He stops Albino from torturing a barmaid named Vanessa.

Cumberland arrives. At first he seemed like a decent guy. Yeah, he still wanted to burn  people and torture them and make them confess to being witches, but he wanted it done by the book, dadburn it! Albino recaptures Vanessa and Cumberland still imprisons her though. Things go from whacky bad to whacky worse. Albino's rape tactics lead to the death of an innocent man and Cumberland fires him. Albino tries to persuade Cumberland to work with him and basically rape and steal. When Cumberland refuses Albino insults him. Cumberland kills albino with his bare hands! Not a real shock, because Albino looks kind of wimpy and even though he's not a young man, Cumberland looks pretty strong. Christian witnesses the death of Albino and loses faith in his teacher. Christian also is upset that Cumberland allows Vanessa to languish in a cell even though no formal charges have been made against her. He's also upset that a young nobleman has been imprisoned and tortured. Cumberland and Christian know he's innocent, but Cumberland wants him to confess so his property will go to the church. A family is also accused of witchcraft for giving a puppet show. This proves too much for Christian. He frees Vanessa and then tries to free the young nobleman. Cumberland stops him from doing that.

Vanessa makes her way to the village and invites the people to storm the castle. They all know the witch burning stuff has gotten out of hand. A mob soon arrives and kills all of the guards. The prisoners are freed. Cumberland manages to escape in his coach. Poor Christian is captured by the mob and killed. The end.

There are a few interesting scenes of torture....but they ain't enough to rent the movie just for that. I can't see any real reason to rent it. I mean its not a bad movie...its just not anything.

Best Lines: "We must prepare my coach you fool!"-  Lord Cumberland's response when a guard tells him the villagers are going to storm the castle and they must prepare.

1.) Geez---Europeans sure were damn ugly in the olden days. Just look at the crowd at the burning during the start of this movie.

2.) This movie has the most annoying soundtrack ever. Its about as thrilling as an old episode of Lawrence Welk.

3.) Mankind has yet to find a cure for cancer, a solution to mounting pollution and a way to feed the starving but judging from this movie we've created a stunning array of ways to torture the [unwrite] out of each other! The amazing thing is that no one thought for a very long time that "Hey, this [unwrite] is incredibly cruel! I daresay even...inhuman!". Next time you get a parking ticket and curse about the unfair laws of today just remember a few hundred years ago they'd have called you a witch and stuck red hot pokers into your anus.

4.) I had no idea that witch hunters employed Chinese water torture.

5.) They arrested people for making puppets. Whoa! Jim Henson would've been boiled alive! Sesame Street would have been construed as a tool of the devil and burned to the ground! Prairie Dawn burned at the stake! Elmo imprisoned in a dank cell and horsewhipped three times a day! Ernie and Bert put to the rack! Cookie Monster's tongue ripped out with red hot pincers! Big Bird would have been plucked of his feathers and then tarred and re-feathered! Telly would have been tortured with thumbscrews and then put in the Iron Maiden! Only Oscar the Grouch would've survived, by turning the others in!

NUDITY AND SEX:  Yeah, there's some nudity and a rape scene...but compared to things in movies nowadays its really not worth mentioning.

HUH? : How'd Vanessa get to the castle and why is she having dinner with Christian? after he stops Albino from accusing her as a witch in the tavern she runs away from Christian, frightened. Cut to the next scene and she's eatin' chow with him in the castle. Damn. maybe she is a witch!

Is Christian upset because Lord Cumberland killed Albino in front of him? That's confusing...at least it is if you have at least a dim sense of logic. Christian didn't like Albino himself. he knew Albino was corrupt and greedy and used his position as witchfinder to rape and plunder. When dismissed by Cumberland, Albino at first tries to convince him to team up and take stuff...when Cumberland refuses that Albino threatens to ruin him and says he is "impotent". Now, that's probably true and that's what made Cumberland go berserk...maybe its a 17th century term for calling him a "Limp dicked asshole". Does it matter? It enraged Cumberland enough to kill him. But Christian's reaction is strange when you add the fact that they regularly tear people tongues out, shove spikes into their asses, burn the crap out of 'em with hot metal objects and stretch people on the rack...on flimsy evidence like "They boiled toads and frogs and made a witches brew and that's why it rained last weekend!" Compared to that killing Albino seems justified!

THE TALLY: I hate to admit it, but I have nothing to say. that's pretty much what this movie kind of does to you. There's nothing to say about it. Its just there.