MegaForce

THE STORY: This movie went through a lot...its done something that no other movie has done so far...it had to work its way UP through my scale! Usually I start a movie with the idea that it has a full Five devils. oh, no, not Megaforce...folks, this movie hurt. It hurt me bad. I mean hurt like having your girlfriend screw your best in front of you and then beat the [unwrite] out of you in front of everyone you know bad. God, I have a headache!

I can't give you a real accurate picture of the plot... bear with me. Megaforce is a top secret military conglomeration made up of the best soldiers from all of the free nations. (This was 1983) There's some kind of war between Gamibia and Sardoon (at least I think that's what the countries were...who knows...who cares?) Megaforce, led by commander hunter is asked to intervene. The bad guys are led by Guerera. He was once a friend of Hunter's.

Man, I'm not even going to try to go through this mess....lets see....Hunter and Megaforce assault Guerera's stronghold but are cut off in their retreat. The only place Megaforce can land planes to escape is held by Guerera. Instead of a real plan, hunter's idea is to just assault them directly and board the planes. Which is what they do and win...but its no suprise. The entire First half of the movie is spent building the image of Megaforce as this practically invincible army. By the time that's done you'll be convinced...at least in this movies terms...that Megaforce cannot be beaten. to be short, Megaforce defeats the enemy with completely ridiculous means. I'm talking every superhero/James Bond trick in the book. smoke coming out of their assault motorcycles, laser weapons, even [unwrite]ING FLYING MOTORCYCLES. You have to see this to understand. I'm dazed. I am writing this minutes after viewing it. It hurts...lord, please stop the hurting!

No synopsis written by man can describe the badness of this movie. You'll really have to experience it for yourself. I really can't describe the sheer pain this film will induce! But I can tell you about the new additions to my [unwrite] list...Barry Bostwick as the star of this film has earned my utter contempt. Edward Mulhare was General Byrne-White. Mulhare was also Devon on the TV show Knightrider. Trust me, the WORST episode of Knightrider is better than this movie. The super-annoying character of Dallas was played by Michael Beck. Beck was Swan, the leader of the gang in the cult favorite, The Warriors. Persis Khambatta, alas is deceased. she was the bald navigation officer in Star trek: the Motion Picture. She played Major Zara or something or other in this sorry flick. Hey, I'm sorry she's dead, but this movie sucked! If for nothing else this movie should be banned to preserve her memory! But my my most bitter hatred is reserved for the writers and directors of this flick! When judgement comes they will face the Inferno!

Best Lines: "When I find this silly cube as interesting as to what is really important....girls...I will get this done in a second "-A Russian member of Megaforce remarking about a Rubik's cube. I picked this line because I simply couldn't go through this movie again to find another one.

1.) This is an exercise in futility...there is no part of this movie that isn't an 'are you kidding me" moment. But I'll try.

2.) General Byrne-White complains about being left in the desert to await Megaforce to pick him and Maj. Zara up. He's a pretty wimpy general. They drove him to the pick up point in a [unwrite]ing Rolls Royce! This is of course, supposed to be humorous. I'll let you know now...nothing in this movie was funny. It ain't funny now, and it wasn't in 1983. That said, I'll try and refrain from commenting on the so called "comic relief" of this flick. it was all about as laughable as getting hit in the head with an aluminum bat.

3.) They have a black guy in Megaforce. He listens to classical music on his walkman. Of course, Byrne-White asks him if he's listening to "Gladys Knight and the Pips" so he can respond that he's listening to Vivaldi. Oh [unwrite]! that was comic relief and I said I wouldn't comment on it! Well, its not funny. as a matter of fact this movie is so dumb I wasn't even insulted. I wanted to crush Edward Mulhare's throat for BEING in this doo-doo pile, but not for the comment.

4.) Dallas tells Byrne-White and Zara that you have to volunteer to be in Megaforce. Now I suppose that's to mean the members of Megaforce are committed to their duty, but how the hell do you volunteer for something so secret....By the Gods, this movie sucks!

5.) When Megaforce leaves to invade whoever they are fighting...it doesn't matter...its either Gamibia or Sardoon or whatever...Hunter jumps on the plane and gives this stance that only comic book superheroes give...legs far apart, staring straight ahead. Look, its cool when Iron Man* does it...but in a live action movie it looks really really really really really really stupid!

I'm stopping here...because I could go on forever in this section.

NUDITY AND SEX: None. the most beautiful nude person in the world couldn't save this movie. This movie couldn't suck enough dick to be good.

HUH?: Guerera shows up to talk to Hunter after the attack. He just shows up. Why didn't Hunter take him into custody? He let him go and then Guerera's men blockade them! for the love of Pete, this movie is incredibly stupid!

Guerera's tanks can't shoot down a slow moving C-130 that's trying to land...with a bunch of tanks? How'd these losers conquer anyone?

I didn't mention this before, but there's a scene with Hunter and Zara skydiving that's supposed to be romantic. I had to Fast forward through it. I usually don't do that when viewing a movie. but this was like having a fat man sit on your head and fart. I couldn't bear it.

Hunter's plan is to just ram into enemy forces and punch a way through? yeah, it worked but this is a really really bad movie. It also made the perceived threat useless. If Hunter's forces could overwhelm Guerera's there was no real threat!

OK, one last thing...If Megaforce has the latest and very best of all military technology why didn't Megaforce just use air power to destroy Guerera's tanks? The US alone has an incredible Air Force. Megaforce supposedly has the best of all nations! Why am I even asking? This movie sucked like eating a cat[unwrite] sandwich.

Hunter escapes by using a flying motorcycle. I don't think anything more has to be said.

THE TALLY: I was actually going to give this movie a devil. One devil. But now that the pain is wearing off and I can think again, there's no way. But keep in mind that doesn't mean you shouldn't watch it....I don't want to suffer alone! This flick couldn't be good if it was a comic book. Rarely have seen something this bad. It almost made it to Doom Generation levels in badness. Before I render my verdict I just want to warn anyone who had anything to do with the making of this film...don't come near me. I may, and probably will, hurt you. Badly.

I now condemn this film to the utter darkness of Lucifer's hemorrhoids. May it melt in the pus-filled festering wound and never be seen by man again!