Missing In Action

THE STORY: There are a few things you have to do if you're going to be one of the mindless masses that thinks this movie is good. Number One: You have to believe that Asians, in particular, the Vietnamese, are inherently evil. So you have to be a prejudiced jerk. Number Two: You have to believe that military officials act like ass-kicking badasses at inappropriate times. So you have to kind of stupid. Number three: You have to believe that US soldiers are trained in Rambo Techniques...this allows them to run around through a hail of bullets while everyone around them gets hit, but the hero never does. So you have to be gullible. Now, I'm certain, and frightened by the fact that some idiots out there probably fit this bill, but I'm guessing the majority of people don't.

Back in the 80's it was chic to make movies about the exploits of soldiers in Vietnam. Now, Vietnam was not an enjoyable thing for soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines back then. Even when they came home the public treated them rather shabbily. Which is shameful. I guess in the 80's movie makers decided to make it up to them. Colonel Jim Braddock returns from Vietnam where he was prisoner of war. He's certain that the Vietnamese still have American POWs incarcerated even though they claim to have let them all go. Braddock goes on a fact-finding mission to Vietnam with Senator Porter and State department official Anne Fitzgerald.

Of course, Braddock treats the Vietnamese military official, General Tran with complete contempt when they first meet. In reality we would say Braddock is being an asshole...but in Movie-Land, we know that Tran is evil, because, well, he's Vietnamese, and the Braddock's lack of decorum will be justified. Also, Tran's right hand man (I didn't catch his name so we'll call him Bearded Evil Guy...BEG for short.) happens to be the dude that tortured Braddock when he was a POW. At a press conference to discuss missing soldiers and POW's Tran parades a bunch of Vietnamese citizens in front of the cameras and has them claim to be victims of Braddock's war crimes (killing old women, babies, etc). Braddock faces his accusers and one of them apologizes to him in Vietnamese, so we know that Tran has forced them to accuse Braddock. Tran says that Braddock was never a POW but rather a criminal so his imprisonment was justified.

Now, why would Tran say this? Does that matter? Braddock was captured in action during the Vietnam Conflict, so if he was a POW he was a POW. Braddock decides to do a little recon. Later that night he goes to Anne's hotel room, in full view of the guards. (the party is not to leave the hotel without an escort) Once there he changes into all black and sneaks out of her window. Like a weak Spider-Man impersonator, he climbs down the building and sneaks into Tran's home. He holds a knife to the sleeping General's throat and forces him to admit to having POW's still imprisoned and give up the location. When Braddock tries to leave, Tran shoots at him and misses. Braddock kills him. BEG and some men chase Braddock out of the grounds. Braddock makes it back to the hotel just as BEG and company arrive to capture him. Braddock climbs back in Anne's window, tears her nightgown open and jumps in the sack with her. When BEG enters the room with armed soldiers it appears that Braddock has been with Anne all night bumpin' and grindin'. Not totally convinced BEG orders Braddock to leave the country in the morning.

From there Braddock goes to Bangkok ("One night in Bangkok makes a strong man"...oh never mind. I forgot the words.) Braddock hooks up with his old Army buddy, Tucker, who has been living in Bangkok and has a boat. He arranges to have a helicopter at his disposal, too. The plan is to go free the POWs still in Vietnam. Which Braddock does, in a Rambo-like fashion (Even though Rambo: First Blood Part II was a better movie...well, not a good movie, but more exciting) Even though Tucker and his boat get blown up, the helicopter arrives in time for Braddock and the POW's to escape.

There's another Press conference going on about the POW thing when Braddock bursts in the room with the POWs...the instance that a Vietnamese official claims that there are no POWs in Vietnam. THE END. Seriously. It ends just like that! Just like Invasion USA ended abruptly.

Braddock was played by Chuck Norris. Norris once again has only one facial expression. I think his face is made of stone or something. Tucker was played by M. Emmet Walsh. I wonder what the M stands for. Why do people have names like that? Is it supposed to sound classy? Does your first name have to be something stupid like "Myron" ? Anyhow, the action was okay, but there is little characterization. The Vietnamese are the bad guys and the Americans...Braddock in particular, are the invincible good guys. I'm betting that James Hong who played General Tran isn't Vietnamese...(I'm certain of it, actually. Without checking Hong sounds like a Chinese name) You know, the best war movies, whether it be the US Vs the Nazis, the [ insert Arab Country here], or the soviets, have the bad guys show a little depth...not just be evil. In the 80's, me and my two roommates went to see a movie called Uncommon Valor. Its pretty much the same plot as this one. A father gets some mercenaries together to free his son from a Vietnamese prison camp that is not supposed to exist. One of my roommates was an exchange student from Japan. He really got upset after the movie because he said "It made all Asians look evil." I liked that movie, but he was right. So I'm not complaining that Tran and BEG were portrayed as evil...I'm just saying they had no other character traits than being evil.

Best Lines: I didn't pick any out. I actually just wanted this movie to hurry up and be over.

1.) Braddock has a problem with the Vietnamese...I can't blame him...I would too, if I was a POW and tortured by them...but then why is he on this mission? Sen. Porter didn't want him to go. Its not like the US couldn't find another guy that was a POW to go...one that won't act like a dickhead. For that matter, what was Braddock's purpose in going? He didn't say anything at the conference, really. He just gave Tran icy stares (well, that's about all of Norris' acting range) and then went on his own personal mission.

2.) Braddock can not only climb buildings like Daredevil or Spider-Man*, he also can also run like The Flash. That's how he beat BEG and his soldiers to the hotel in time to CLIMB the wall and sneak into Anne's room. BEG and his troops had cars. So I guess Braddock is pretty damn fast. How'd they catch this guy in the first place?

3.) Braddock and Tucker have to make a run for it out of the Harbor in Bangkok...BEG sent some guys to kill them. They make it, and once the boat is sailing away they're home free. Aren't there any harbor patrols or anything in Bangkok? (I don't actually know if there is, but I'm willing to guess that the answer is yes)

4.) When Braddock goes on his secret mission, I had to wonder why he didn't wear some camouflage paint on his face. I mean, Chuck Norris' pasty white face has gotta be an easy target. But I guess he invoked Rambo Spell #1...the enemy cannot hit you even with a zillion bullets being fired at you.

NUDITY AND SEX:  Yep. We get a quickie look at Anne's bountiful boobies when Braddock rips her shirt open.

HUH? : I wonder how Braddock got captured. When we see him in action before his imprisonment, he's leaping onto a VC soldier with two live grenades, one in each hand. we see an explosion and presto...he's in a POW camp. It'd be more like Presto! He's on a cloud playing a harp.

A VC patrol misses seeing Braddock and Tucker...but they're about twenty feet away. (and not well hidden) I guess the VC recruit blind people, 'cuz I find it kind of remarkable.

THE TALLY: Y'know what would've helped this movie? It it was more like Rambo or more like Uncommon Valor. If it was like Rambo the action would have been goofy, superheroic, but fun. If it was more like Uncommon Valor it would have had more character development and thus Braddock would have been more likeable. As it stands, I'd recommend Uncommon Valor to slake your Vietnam POW Movie thirst. Despite anything else, this movie is kind of boring!

*Daredevil and Spider-Man are both Marvel Comic Book Superheroes. both of them climb buildings and do all kinds of acrobatic stuff. A note for non-comic book readers...Daredevil is actually Blind, but a superb athlete. He has a sixth "Radar-sense" that allows him to conduct himself better than a sighted person, even though he himself cannot see.