The Mod Squad

THE STORY: I think we should all sign a petition and send it to Hollywood. No more crap-[unwrite] movies based off of old TV shows. God in Heaven, the majority of them suck, suck, suck. The ones that may be half decent are still mediocre.  I can tell you that I never watched the old Mod Squad TV show. I was far to little to even understand it when it was still aired...but I can understand this movie and by Jove, it was a waste of time!

The old Mod Squad TV show was about three young criminals, Link, Julie and Pete. After being apprehended they were given a choice to either go to jail or work for the police. That's the premise of this movie and to be honest it could be a good one to kick off a crime thriller.

Note I said 'could be'. Now I'm fully aware that movies in recent times have been getting blasted for shallow plots and one dimensional characters, sometimes unfairly. Then again, there are movies that really do actually suck. The Mod Squad can't even blame a bloated special effects budget so why was it so uninteresting? Hmmmm....I'll answer that!

The characters were very boring and one dimensional. I don't know what they were like in the TV show and I don't give a rats ass either. This is a movie. Not a TV show. Not one of them had any appeal whatsoever. The only one with any brains was Link and he was still not that interesting.I certainly hope that Julie wasn't supposed to be the movies sex appeal because she wasn't sexy or appealing. Pete? Don't get me started. Pete's character was one step over being Rain Man. As a matter of fact I had a secret wish that Pete would die at the end.

The plot of the movie is only a little more complex than Pete's mind. The Mod Squad stumbles across a plot involving some crooked cops and drugs stolen from police custody. The cop that is in charge of them, Captain Greer, is killed and in order to clear his name and theirs the Mod Squad wastes about an hour and a half of your time tracking down and catching the true bad guys. Nothing to write home about.

At no time will you actually give a [unwrite] about anyone in this movie. Hang it up. Pete is simply repulsive, Link is at best looking out for his own best interests and Julie is nondescript. The only original thing I can think of is the fact that Claire Danes was cast as Julie. Danes isn't ugly, as a matter of fact she looks pretty good. and Julie wasn't used to give the male viewers a little cheesecake. Which is good...because to be blunt, Danes ain't all that. I said she looks pretty good, but I don't think she's a babe or anything. At least they didn't put some gorgeous super-model in that role. That would have been too much.

Omar Epps as Link is like watching a robot. He doesn't actually show any emotion or feeling in the role. While Link was probably the streetwise brains of the Mod Squad that didn't count for much. It was like watching paint dry seeing him on the screen. UGH. Data on Star Trek showed more passion. Giovanni Ribisi needs to seriously think about taking some new roles. Every time I see him in ANYTHING he's playing the part of a character that's little more than a brain donor. In the X-Files he was a stupid hick that controlled electricity...in Costner's The Postman he was...well, a slightly retarded idiot. In this movie as Pete, he's well, a slightly retarded idiot. If that's the only role he can get remind me to avoid anything he's in.

Side note: On the tape that I bought of this movie (I got it for three bucks...considering that the movie is only about a year and a half old that looks pretty bad, huh?) There's a short cartoon at the end...an old Pink Panther cartoon. Its far more entertaining than the movie was!

Best Lines: "God, how could you even see anything? You had your head buried in a pair of tits all night!"-Julie and Pete argue.

1.) This club that the mod Squad has to infiltrate is a real party place. Pete starts having sex with a chick he must have just met in the hallway! I only want to ask one thing....WHERE WERE THESE DAMN CLUBS WHEN I WAS YOUNGER?!

2.) Pete is so monumentally stupid that it is far too unbelievable that he's even in the "Mod Squad". He's ignorant, he can't seem to do the slightest task correctly and he's annoying. You'd think that if the police did try to use some ex-criminals in this fashion they'd look for reasonably intelligent candidates. After the Car Wash scene I began to view Pete with about having the brain power of one of the victims in the "Blair Witch Project". How else can I describe his smarts level as low than to compare him to those morons? Actually its probably an insult to the characters in TBWP....they were stupid, but not quite at the level of worthlessness as Pete.

3.) The scene where Julie and Pete are in the hotel just seems forced. I don't know if its just as it appears or if its supposed to imply that they slept together. But its bogus either way. Julie climbs out of her bed and asks Pete to hold her and she climbs into bed with him. I don't see it. Pete has been nothing but an idiot throughout this whole movie and Julie seems fairly intelligent. They don't act like really close friends either. The way its presented to us is that Julie is someone that can take of herself and Pete is just a lucky imbecile. If you've seen the movie tell me that I'm wrong in this and don't bring up anything about the TV show! That doesn't [unwrite]ing count! What counts is what's on the screen when you rent this movie!

4.) I can't be certain about this but was the having the band that Howard was expecting being made up of 13 year olds a jab at Hanson?

NUDITY AND SEX: None.

HUH? : Lets try apply logic...even movie universe logic to this...Car Wash Guy is pretty much taken from his place of work by Link and Pete. He thinks they're bona fide cops. When he takes them to where Gilbert lives Link and Pete exchange enough dialogue in front of him to clue any normal retard that they are in fact, not cops. Still, Pete has a gun so I can understand Car Wash Guy not trying to escape at that time....even though he did have an opportunity. Well, later that evening when Pete and Link want to investigate something, Pete orders Car Wash Guy to wait in the car. Um...why would he if you leave him unguarded? A dude with a brain the size of an ant would have figured out that Link and Pete ain't cops! Once unguarded Car Wash Guy could just split! Maybe Pete is willing to shoot him and not bluffing about it...but if he's willing to commit murder why not tone it down to kidnapping (which he's already guilty of) and tie Car Wash Guy up while they go on their little expedition? Of course Car Wash Guy follows them and gets shot by the Bad Guys. But his death is squarely on the shoulders of Pete and Link. The minions of Jabootu have a term for this, the Heroe's Death Exemption.

THE TALLY: Even a movie that only scores one devil from the Inferno may hold some entertainment for the legions of bad movie fans that we do serve. Too bad that the Mod Squad fails to get even that. It was not without some hesitation that it is condemned to the Gorge of Eternal Peril, but alas...I cannot be morally responsible for anyone wanting to see this after reading the review.

Soulless as this movie is, its wretched attempt to cash in the commercial and nostalgic name of the Mod Squad is not unseen by the cackling hell spawn that live in the Inferno!

The crime of cashing on the memories of fans of an old TV show has a dire price! For being as interesting and entertaining as watching Pauly Shore's hairline I now banish this movie to the hall of corrupt cops, where it may be beaten like Rodney King until Time without mind!