Starring: Chase Cordell, Donna Leigh Drake, Gregorio Sala, Francine Kessler, Joe Blasco

Directed by: Richard Ashe,     Written By: Bill Finger (II), Charles Sinclair

The Story: I've been thinking of a way to do this synopsis without making it too short and simple. But its not really possible. This a short and simple movie, folks. Its the kind of flick you'd see at a drive-in theater back in the seventies. It didn't have to be good, it didn't even have to make sense back then. People would go see it so they'd have an excuse to hang out with their friends or make out with their significant others. Unfortunately for me I just got to sit here and watch it. Oh well.....it wouldn't have made the experience any more enjoyable if I watched it in my car anyway. And I ain't sitting in my jeep with my laptop just to watch Track of the Moon Beast.

An Asteroid is on a collision course with the moon. The newscaster tells us that it will produce an incredible light show as fragments of the moon's surface will shower the earth in a meteor shower. Excuse, me, but I thought a rock flying through space was called a meteor, not an asteroid. I could be wrong, just tell me if I am. anyway, there's no cause for alarm, we're told.

On Earth, we meet grad student Paul who quickly introduces us to his friend and former professor Johnny Long-Bow...who quickly introduces us to Kathy, a photographer from New York City (New York City!?) and two of his students, whose names I don't remember. And they don't matter either, because the few short minutes of screen time these two get amounts to absolutely nothing but bad dialogue. Kathy and Paul instantly become an item. I wish it worked like that in real life. Usually if people fall for each other that fast one of them is a psycho.

Paul and Kathy sit up in the mountains at night to watch the meteor shower and Paul is hit by a small meteor while trying to protect Kathy. Yep, that's right. He actually saw a rock moving through the atmosphere at super speed and was able to duck from it. Well, not totally duck, since it scratched his head. Paul takes the rock home as a souvenir. (wouldn't it be like, red hot?) Unbeknownst to Paul the small nick on his head is where a fragment of the moon rock entered his skull and lodged itself in his brain. In the nights that follow Paul turns into a Moon Beast! Okay, actually he turns into a guy in a silly freaking monster suit.

Movies like this have their own kind of charm. The dialogue is bad, the picture is crummy and its not really scary at all, but still they can be fun for those of us that like bad movies. And this is a bad movie, folks. I could explain the whole story to you, but it would really be a drag....because nothing really happens that's worth the effort. To make a long story short, Paul turns into a moon beast at night and kills a couple of folks. The only semi-exciting kill scene happens when the moon beast attacks a few campers and rips the arm off of one of them. During the day Paul has headaches and fainting spells and he takes way too long to figure out that he might need medical care. Johnny finally figures out that the moon rock has something to do with the murders and Paul's condition. Hell, he even has NASA send some scientists out to examine Johnny. They find that Johnny will eventually burn up because the moon fragment has dissolved in his body and is spreading. Oh, don't ask me, I didn't write the stupid movie. To stop his reign of terror, Johnny uses an arrowhead made from moon rocks to dispatch the moon beast. If you've ever seen this movie you'll see that conclusion coming a mile away. Too much hullabaloo is made of Johnny's archery skills earlier on in the movie for him not to use them to stop the moon beast.

Sue me. That was short and sweet. Track of the Moon Beast is one of those movies that only has one redeeming feature...and that is its bad. But its so bad its hard not to at least watch it once. The only reason I saw it is because it came on a disc with two other equally bad movies....one of them "Snow Beast" will appear soon if I can work up the enthusiasm to watch it. The disc only cost me 4 bucks. Now I can see why. I got ripped off.

Best Lines: Are you serious?

 Are you kidding me?

1.) Call me picky, but I'd have thought that a rock traveling through the atmosphere to earth would have a lot more impact than the moon rock that Paul finds. Especially since a fragment of it gets lodged in his brain! Wouldn't that leave more than a scar on his head? I got hit with a rock that fell out of a dump truck and it damn near knocked me out. I think a rock that fell off of the moon would have a bit more force.

2.) The first victim of the moon beast is just a hapless old man trying to get into his house after a night at the bowling alley. His wife locked him out for drinking with his friends there. What an old hag. If my grandma locked my grandpa out of the house every time he went out with his old buddies drinking I'd have never seen him. Jeez, lady, there are a lot of worse places he could have been.

3.) Paul is way too impressed with Johnny's archery skills. He stands in front of a target holding some dried up corn in his hands so Johnny can demonstrate his prowess by hitting them. Funk Dat. I don't care if he was Robin Hood reincarnated there's no way I'd stand in front of a person and willingly let them fire a deadly weapon in my direction just to show off to my Girlfriend. What if Johnny wasn't such an honorable guy and wanted Kathy for himself? All he has to do is miss a little bit! "Oops, sorry Kathy. Well, I'll make sure Paul gets a decent burial (after we pull the arrow out of his gut) By the way...you doin' anything Saturday night?".

4.) Hahahahahaha! By the Lower Depths of Hades! The animal skin paintings made 400 years ago by Johnny's tribe are so obviously children's drawings done in crayola last week! Even by cheap ass movie standards that's just pathetic!

5.) I love these knee-jerk scientific solutions. Theorizing that the moon rock fragments in Paul's body will eventually cause him to go critical and burn up, Johnny shoots him with a moon rock arrowhead to speed up the process. you know, Johnny, that's not a theory even....its a good f***ing guess. What if you're wrong? It'd be ironic if the moon rock arrow only made the beast stronger. Or induced a nuclear reaction and erased the town from the map.

6.) If I were Johnny I'd be a little put off by the way Paul talks about his native American heritage. Paul doesn't say anything bad, really, but he blabs about it to Kathy in that "See, I have an Indian friend! I like minorities!" kind of way. Sure, its nice that Paul is impressed with Johnny's name of "Long-Bow" and that he wants Johnny to demonstrate his sills with a bow for Kathy, but its kind of like pulling out a piece of plywood at a party and asking your Chinese friend to break it with Kung Fu in front of your guests.

Nudity and Sex: None.

Huh?:

Personally, I hate going to doctors, but Paul takes the cake, my droogies. After being hit by a meteor he starts having frequent headaches and fainting spells. (and turning into a moon beast....well, he doesn't realize the moon beast part at first) If I had frequent headaches I'd make an appointment. If I started passing out at inopportune moments I'd be camping out in the doctor's office.

Why is it that any movie that has something to do with a lizard monster or dinosaurs mentions the Komodo Dragon? Its a long ass stretch that the scientist dude goes on to say that the mysterious moon beast tracks are related to a tyrannosaurus rex. (and handy that he has a picture of a T-Rex on the wall to add emphasis to that assertion. No other pictures, but that one.) It would be funny if he had a picture of the Taco Bell Dog instead and tried to convince the police chief and Johnny that the old man was killed by an upright walking 7 foot Chihuahua.

Johnny tells the police that his tribe faced a similar monster four centuries ago and none of their weapons were proof against it. By weapons, I mean bows and arrows, of course. So how does Johnny manage to destroy the moon beast? With a bow and arrow.

The Final Judgment: Movies like this will give the moon a bad name. If you're seriously not into bad flicks stay away. This movie won't hurt you, but it will bore you. I will admit one thing.....I am hesitant to cast it into the pit. After all, its so hokey that it almost deserves a pardon.