Starring: Jet Li

THE STORY:  I would never have seen this movie if not for my friend, Rob, who is a black belt in various martial arts, an NCO in the US Air Force and a darn good friend. He loaned me the DVD and he didn't tell me it was subtitled for English. I'll have to ask him, but he probably speaks Cantonese, too. (Hell, he can do everything else!)

I won't even try to describe the plot for you. I know jack about Chinese history or mythology so I can't tell what the [unwrite] period any of this was happening. I can only tell you what I sussed out from watching the movie...and understand, the day I watched it I was really tired, I had a rotten day and I had just had a killer workout that left most of my movable body parts sore. I just wanted to veg in front of the screen.

Jet Li is Hung...and no I don't mean that in a nasty way, perverts....if I did I'd say I was Hung....but Li's character is Hung, a rebel against whatever government was going on in China a hundred or so years ago. He's betrayed by Ma Ying Ling, who he thinks he kills in a fight. The cool thing about is fight with Ma Ying Ling is that Hung has his baby son, Man Ting, strapped to him. You gotta be a bad Mo-fo to fight a bunch of guys carrying a baby...and the the baby doesn't cry! When Hung found his family slaughtered he swore to kill himself and the kid if Man Ting chose a toy over a sword. Well, M.T. chose the sword and thus Hung began kicking ass. (Wasn't that what happened in Lone Wolf and Cub?)

Hung and Man Ting, a ten or so old now,  fall into the employ of Mr. Ma. And Mr. Ma is being ripped of by a mother and daughter duo of thieves. The daughter, Red Bean, pretends to want to marry Ma, and the mom pretends to be dead. I guess this is one of those things that you have to understand Chinese history and customs for. The mom's body is kept in a room for the daughter to mourn over. The mom, (hereafter known as Granny) is a kung fu expert and can fake death. There are also a bunch of little boys who study kung fu and have a secret map tattooed on them that the evil government wants. And Hung finds that Ma Ying Ling isn't dead...he's somehow become an invincible "Poison Man" and has a metal "Ma Ying Ling Mobile" to boot.

If you don't speak Chinese or like subtitles or like Hong Kong action movies than you won't like this. I found it fun to watch even though I hate having to read subtitles. Jet Li demonstrated a lot of wirework kung fu, which still takes talent and the boy that played his son kicked some butt too, though I can't tell you how much of the moves he did were faked or not. Still, for those of us that  like this kind of thing it was a hoot of a flick to watch. Basically if you're a fan of HK action or Jet Li then you should find this movie and watch it. Perhaps you can do it more justice than I have here. But I have an excuse. I've had a really long and terrible day...(except for watching this)

Best Lines: "You Farted!"- The mother daughter criminal duo breaks wind.

"My ass stinks! Don't eat me!" one of the kids when he thinks the ghost of granny is after him.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) Whoa! Wonder Screw powers Activate! Seriously! Hung has a spear that can do a "Wonder screw" move. Omigod....I just realized how...well, nasty it is to have a character named Hung with wonder screw powers!

2.) Man, Hung can't get a break. Fifteen or so minutes into this thing and he's been betrayed twice! And by his own brother. I thought my life sucked....

3.) There is no way the girl, Red Bean, ate all of that food that was on the table within five or so minutes. Who is she supposed to be, Homer Simpson's long lost Chinese sister? I know women that pay real money to be able to grub like that and have Red Bean's figure though.

4.) After watching Granny kick much ass I could only say...I Wish my Grandma was that BAD! Man, none of the bullies I grew up with would have been able to [unwrite] with me! (Gimme my lunch money back or my Grandma will whoop your ass!")

NUDITY AND SEX:  No nudity, but Mr. Ma and Granny have sex.

HUH?:  Granny at one point is almost discovered by Mr. Ma. He thinks she's dead, but she's faking it. Granny claims to be a ghost in a situation that only makes you think that people must have been really easy to fool in china whenever this time period was.

What the [unwrite]? Where did Ma Ying Ling get this little metal deathmobile? At first I thought he turned into a transformer like Optimus Prime or something, but that still doesn't answer the question!

How could Granny not see the freakin' BATTALION of soldiers ten feet to her left?

Do people in China really eat chicken asses? Does a chicken have an ass? That's a scary thought....they probably call it something pleasant over here, like fast food....oh man...I've eaten chicken asses!

THE FINAL JUDGMENT: If you like cheesy movies...if you like chop sockey action....if you're a fan of Jet Li...go get this movie. If you don't fit any of those categories you might not like it. I did, but that's me...now excuse me...I need to rub some flex all on my legs....(man, that workout today hurt!)