Night Force

THE STORY: The box for this movie displays a group of people clad in camouflage uniforms, weapons in hand, looking tough. Its a drawing not a photo, but you'll recognize the face of Linda Blair atop the vehicle. The back of the box reads something like this:

A Terrorists Nightmare!

Angry about Terrorism? Action heroine LINDA BLAIR will make you stand up and cheer for freedom and the pursuit of revenge!

When the beautiful daughter of an outspoken senator is kidnapped by South American terrorists the senators hands are tied. He has been campaigning on a platform of refusing to deal with terrorists and he can't reverse his position even for his own daughter.

But others are not so patient-the young girl's friends, led by action heroine LINDA BLAIR and tough guys RICHARD LYNCH and CHAD McQUEEN, take off to the jungles for an explosive rescue mission.

Uh....that's what happens and its in the lamest way possible. Greywizard at the Unknown Movies warned about false video box advertising once...well, this box pretty much lies right to your face. Wanna know how the "young friends" get to South America? They drive a bright red jeep towing a U-haul fulla weapons from Texas! If that doesn't seem stupid to you stop reading right now and go watch the Teletubbies or something. Now, we all know the writing and artwork on these boxes are going to by hyped up...I didn't expect this to be a good movie. I expected it to be kinda lame, but I also expected it to be mildly entertaining. Here's what it should have said:

A Terrorists Own Wet Dream!

Angry about terrorism? B-movie actress LINDA BLAIR will make you bend over and puke and desperately want revenge! (against Lightning Video)

When the slutty daughter of a crappy actor pretending he's a senator is kidnapped by stereotypical Hispanic villains, the senator doesn't use any common sense at all! He's been campaigning against dealing with terrorists so the Delta Force, the Navy SEALS and anyone else that is supposed to deal with these matters can be conveniently forgotten about! His daughter is dead meat!

But others are not even intelligent at a chimps level...the young girl's friends led by washed up actress LINDA BLAIR and crappy tough guys RICHARD LYNCH and CHAD McQUEEN take off to the jungles to waste ninety or so minutes of your time in a ridiculous rescue mission!

I'm amazed that they didn't put in LINDA BLAIR (THE EXORCIST) or have any of the countless B-movies Lynch  (Lynch was the bad guy in Invasion: USA) has appeared in after his name! Chad McQueen? Who the [unwrite] is he? I almost feel sorry for Blair. I've never seen her appear nude in anything, but ever since she developed breasts she's been in a lot of pure [unwrite] movies. However I feel more sorry for myself. At least she got paid to be in this satanic booger of a flick. I lost 99 cents on it!

Best Lines: "We dooon't keel priests!"- the stereotypical South American bad guy stops a thug from shooting a priest.

1.) You wanna know how to tell you're in for a real turd sandwich of a movie? When twenty minutes into the film, you still don't know what the main characters names are! I'm not even sure what Linda Blair's character is named! The first scene with them is in a disco and the sound was almost completely washed out by the 80's music...so I could barely make out what was being said. Add to that the male characters seem to look too much alike. Now I could rewind the tape and try to figure out who is who, but why should I? No one should have to actively search through a tape to find out what the characters [unwrite]ing names are!!! Especially this film, where none of them are even likable. (only 20 minutes into this and I already don't freaking care what happens to any of them....I almost want the terrorists to win!)

2.) Henry  proves his prowess with an M16 by shooting bottles only three meters away. Now, Henry is obviously the Big Dumb Jerk in this flick. He's one of those guys that reads Soldier of Fortune magazine and thinks he's a super-duper commando or something. I'm not impressed....Helen Keller could have hit those bottles from that distance. Henry also fires a bazooka at an old truck...and the explosion knocks him over. So he's not too smart either. Any retard could notice that he's too damn close to his target.

3.) Boy, it sure was nice of the bad guys to stop shooting at Carla and Henry long enough for them to kneel over their fallen friend and mourn him. Actually, the bad guys must be using blanks since nothing gets hit, including the good guys and all of the objects around them...even though theres more lead flying around in the air then oxygen molecules!

4.) Oh, bull[unwrite]...Bishop throws a grenade into a jeep he's right next to. The jeep explodes in a big way, but a second later Bishop is somewhere else. Right.

5.) Henry gets into the pilot's seat in the chopper and then says "Omigod! I can't fly a helicopter!" It took him that long to realize that he didn't know how to fly a chopper? What the [unwrite]?!

NUDITY AND SEX:  Kristi is seen nude more than she's seen clothed.

HUH? : As the gang prepare (if you can call it that) to go rescue Kristi, Carla tells them "Its no secret, everyone knows what you're planning to do!" Well, if that's so, why didn't someone stop them? Like the cops or the feds? Even their parents? Everyone just figured "Hey, lets let a bunch of rich college students that probably can't fight their way out of a Boy Scout Jamboree go to the wilds of central america and fight terrorists to save their friend! They'll most likely be shoot into tiny bite sized chunks, but let 'em try!"

Henry fires his bazooka at some stereotypical hispanic bad guys chasing them. The problem is Henry fires from the jeep they're in...the back blast would have roasted his friends. The solution is Rambo-disease! Remember in Rambo II,  Ol' Rammy fires a LAW while in the helicopter...and the back blast miraculously doesn't kill any of the guys behind him? Well, that's how Henry's bazooka works!

I was thinking how ludicrous it is that Blair and cohorts DRIVE to this mythical South American country in a jeep with a buttload of weapons (aren't there any customs checks at anyone's borders) until I realized its even more ludicrous that the terrorists actually got Kristi OUT of the US! How did they do that? Transporter technology?

I'm not going to go into how big a can of whoop-ass some banana republic would have opened for brazenly committing this act of kidnapping and terrorism in TEXAS! First of all, the Texas authorities would probably have killed them within a half hour. Secondly the US has a habit of smoking terrorists pretty much on sight when they can locate them...what do you think would happen to this piddly little country? Yep...that's right. They'd have been FUBAR'd. ([unwrite]ed Up Beyond All Recognition )

THE TALLY: If you really want to see a crappy movie...I mean a really crappy movie...this one is yours. But be warned...its being cast into the Inferno for a reason.

For flagrant false advertising, bad acting, ridiculous script and just over all [unwrite]tiness I condemn this movie into Satan's vomit filled Barf Bag...may it wallow in the chunks of bile from the devil's belly for all eternity!