NINJA AVENGER
THE STORY: Much like NINJA MASTERS OF DEATH, this movie seems to be a European or American movie made by splicing a few unrelated scenes in with an Asian kung fu movie. I'm betting the original kung fu movie makes more sense and is waaay better...I'll try to describe it, but trust me this movie was made in Confuso-Vision.
We start off meeting some white guys who want to kill Antonio for betraying them.Then we meet Antonio who is dressed like a monk and carrying a big cross down a train track. The train has to stop to avoid hitting him and he gets on. Then the train is attacked by bandits with swords led by Ishihara, the bad guy. Well, the Chinese bad guy. The white guys at the beginning are led by Gordon. Ishihara shoots Antonio in the shoulder, but Antonio gets away and is carrying his cross around some mountains. He's attacked by bandits again and rescued by Dragon, some kung fu guy that just shows up. Then we go to another scene and meet an older white guy in a karate suit. Some other guy tells him that Gordon's men are after Antonio and he says he'll protect him. Then we go back again to Antonio. Dragon has gone to get him some medicine for his wound and a man that was on the train comes along and beats Antonio up for no good reason. Well, Dragon comes back and breaks it up. Then all three of them go to a monastery. The train guy and Dragon go inside. After they have some tea, Dragon goes out looking for Antonio who attacks him for no good reason! Dragon and Antonio go back to the monastery and find everyone dead. Suddenly its the next day or something and Dragon is looking for Antonio again. He finds him bathing in a river and Antonio beats him up and tells Dragon to stop following him. So they begin travelling together. (I Know, I know, THIS MAKES NO SENSE!) The pair come to a house where a few ruffians are beating up a family. Dragon stops them but Antonio steals their horse and rides away. He meets the old white guy in the karate suit who tells him he'll protect him if he's changed his past evil ways. Antonio and Dragon go to a nightclub and a fight breaks out. About twenty guys beat on Antonio and he's not hurt. Apparently he's invulnerable. The fight is stopped by Elaine, some white chick that's there. She knows Antonio from the past. Meanwhile, the older white guy meets one of Gordon's men and they turn into ninjas Power Ranger style and the old guy kills him. Back to Antonio...he's raping Elaine. Then he tries to kidnap her, but Ishihara's men show up so he calls out for dragon who beats them up. Antonio tells them to tell Ishihara he'll meet him in the old city to exchange his mistress, Elaine, for the treasure. Then we go through several long scenes of Dragon, Antonio and Elaine travelling. (Through the whole movie, Antonio is still carrying this big ass cross) Elaine, tries to kill Antonio once then falls in love with Dragon. Back to the old white guy. He meets another of Gordon's men and kills him. We find out that he's Antonio's brother! Back to Antonio and friends. When they meet Ishihara in the old city a fight ensues and Elaine is killed. Antonio rips open his cross and produces a gatling gun with an unlimited supply of bullets. He starts blazing away and Dragon kicks about fifty guys in the ass. Then Ishihara shoots Antonio. Dragon, enraged at his friend's death beats the [unwrite] of Ishihara but rather than lose the fight Ishihara stabs himself to death. Finally, we go back to the old white guy who finally faces Gordon. They change into ninjas and the old white guy kills him. The end.
This movie is bizarre. Every scene is on a mountain! The scenes with the old white guy are on completely different mountains, indicating two different movies! Horrible dubbing and crazy editing doth a cheesey movie make!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:
1.) A bunch of bandits rob a train with swords? There're soldiers on the train with guns! The bandits win however.
2.) How the hell did the train guy get up that damn mountain in a white suit? Antonio had to climb up rocky walls. this guy's suit is cleaner than Mr. Rourke's on Fantasy Island! Not to mention, WHY IS HE THERE!?
3.) Does everyone in China know kung fu? One of the monks grinds a cup into a table top to show his prowess.
4.) Aren't there any roads in this country? Or cars? Every other scene is the Bataan Death March!
5.) Oh, no! Its happening again! Two white guys turn into Super Ninjas by waving their arms! Did Saban make this movie? Do they really teach that at Jhoon Rhee?
6.) Why is the movie called 'Ninja Avenger' if its in China. Ninjas are JAPANESE!
NUDITY AND SEX: No, this movie is confusing enough.
HUH?: How the hell can Antonio beat up kung fu expert Dragon just because he's in waist deep water? Dragon kicked his ass at the monastery!
What the [unwrite] is up with these white guys changing into ninjas? I'll bet real ninjas can't do that!
At the nightclub guys hit Antonio with furniture and he laughs at them...but Ishihara's thug beats him up single-handedly. Waitaminnit! Antonio can't be hurt by twenty guys hitting him with oak table legs but one fat guy can beat him?
Elaine asks Dragon if he has a woman and Antonio balks. Then the horse balks!
I didn't know gatling guns carried magazines of 2000 rounds.
THE TALLY: Its weird but its a hoot! It makes no sense! When Antonio starts gunning people down with the gatling gun its crazy! He's chasing them and shooting them in the back, making them surrender and then killing them and laughing like a madman! Trust me, that made the entire 'walking through the mountain" scenes worth it! Hahaha!