Starring: Robert Glaudini, Demi Moore, Vivian Blaine, Al Fann

Directed by: Charles Band

The Story: The only thing that made me actually want to see this movie was the blurb on the DVD case claiming that its Demi Moore's first starring role. What was I thinking? I'm not even a fan of Demi Moore. I think she's cute and all, but that's about it. And this movie was made before she had certain...ahem...enhancements done to her chestal area.

What really bugged me about this movie was the vague explanations we get for some things. The back of the DVD case didn't say anything about the movie taking place in a post apocalyptic world and when I saw that it did indeed take place in a world like that I had to try and figure out what had happened by myself. The country or perhaps the world is ruled by the "Merchants" but who they are and exactly what they do isn't explained at all. They're just evil. They put people in Work Camps. The drive black cars. We're not even told if I was a war that screwed things up, we only get a half ass line by Collins telling us that he fled New York City when the "Atomic [unwrite] started dropping out of the sky" because "People in NYC were dropping dead left and right". Gee, and here I thought New York City would have been vaporized if nukes started falling. We don't even find out what the Parasites are about either, only that they kill people by chomping down on them from the inside out....and there's only two of them.

The DVD case is misleading in other ways also. Claiming this to be Demi Moore's first starring role may be true, kind of....but she's not really the main character in this movie. That would be Robert Glaudini as Dr. Paul Dean, a man on the run from the evil Merchants. He created the parasites for the Merchants but then realized they were no-goodniks so he destroyed all of them except the two. Wolf, an evil Merchant infected him with one and Paul has the other one in a container. He went on the lam with it because he needs the thing to experiment on and find a cure before the one inside of him does him in. Traveling through the wastelands he comes to the town of Joshua and rents a room in the house of kooky old broad named Maggie. Unfortunately Wolf is on his trail and not far behind.

But we can't have a little post apocalypse town without at least some standard PA characters. There's Collins, the owner of the New York Bar and Grille, which, incidentally doesn't serve anything that's Grilled. He'll also fill in the role of the token black guy....and saints preserve us, he doesn't die in this movie! And we have the obligatory gang of post apocalypse hooligans led by Ricus. Demi Moore fills the role of "someone pretty to look at" by being Patricia, a girl who likes to grow lemons. *sigh* I'm serious.

Ricus and his goons steal Paul's Thermos of Death where the second parasite is kept and it starts making hor' duevres out of them. Meanwhile Wolf goes around blowing peoples hands off with his laser pointer and bullying the yokels into telling him where Paul is. Ricus manages to run afoul of Wolf twice but doesn't kill him when he has the chance....which is odd considering that Ricus' half baked back story is that he used to slave in the Work Camps as a child and hates the Merchants. But I guess Ricus has more on his mind. He's looking for someone to help his friend Dana before the parasite manages to kill her. (His other friend Zeke already died from it) Eventually he finds Collins who tries to help...which is odd....Ricus and Collins hate each other and just a day or so before Collins was ready to shoot Ricus. Still, it doesn't matter. The parasite begins whacking leftover characters while Paul discovers that ultrasound can kill the one inside of him. By the time he manages to do this Wolf has arrived and wants the damned thing back so Paul and Patricia kill him and the slimy critter by blowing them up real good with a propane tank.

It was real hard to figure out the passage of time on this flick. I couldn't tell who was doing what and when in some parts and the movie wasn't exciting enough to warrant spending too much time worrying about it. To be honest the only time I actually began to care about the characters was when Ricus decided to try and get help for his ailing friend. He almost changed from the bad guy to the hero. He beats up Wolf and later saves Collins from Wolf even though that act cost him his life. Ricus was certainly easier to watch than Paul. Hey, I know Paul was dying, but his nervous type of speech and greasy looks didn't make me care about that. When the movie starts Paul kills a guy for raping a girl, but that's about all of his hero-juice used up right there. He spends the rest of the movie getting his ass kicked by other people. While Ricus at least fights back against everyone. Yeah, he begins by being a jackass and accosting Patricia and Collins...and later Paul....but when the chips are down he stomps a mud hole in Wolf's ass and doesn't back down even when Wolf has the drop him.

These things aren't worth pondering though, my droogies. The movie was lame, and I was pretty bored with it.

Best Lines:  “I guess you owe me one, scarface.” - Ricus' last words after he saves Collins from Wolf.

 Are you kidding me?

1.) Man, Paul has one flimsy ray gun. It drops to the ground and shatters. I've had fine china that's more resilient than that.

2.) Why was that girl screaming "Noooo!" and whimpering while being raped only to help her rapists attack Paul when he saves her? Oh, I know....just so we can throw in some pointless nudity and violence. Within the first five minutes of the movie too. Man, I should have seen what that omen was bringing.

3.) Collins says that all he's got to serve is canned fruit, canned soup and canned beer. So what kind of Bar and Grille is that? If that's all you have why even open a bar and grille? there doesn't seem to be anyone in the town to buy the stuff anyway. Ricus doesn't seem like the kind of guy that would actually pay for his meal....and where Collins getting this stuff anyway?

4.) Wait a ding dang minute! at the beginning of the movie, Paul kicked two guys in the ass. why doesn't he fight back when Ricus leaves him with a bunch of chicks to watch him? Earlier he shoved a pipe through a thugs stomach, are you telling me now that he can't defend himself from a few women?

5.) You can't call Ricus stupid. Well, you can actually. If a guy says he's a doctor and not to open an ominous looking container because it has something really bad in it, I don't think I'd ignore the warning. But Ricus does...still he has the presence of mind to have Zeke open it!

Nudity and Sex: the rape victim at the beginning of the flick bears her breasts for all the world to see.

Huh?:

How did Paul get to Patricia's cabin after the second parasite got free? The scene just changes and wham! There he is!

Hilariously when the second parasite jumps on Zeke, Ricus and his buddies are too busy punching Paul's lights out then helping their friend who's shrieking in pain for help!

You know, there not a lot of places in this town to hide. What took Wolf so long in finding Paul?

Uh, wasn't Wolf on top of that propane tank when it exploded? How can there even be enough of him left to show a burnt up body! He would have been blasted to pieces!

This movie must have been made before Demi Moore graduated from Acting School.

Paul's on the run, but couldn't he have found a more inconspicuous vehicle than an ambulance?

The Final Judgment: The only reason to see this movie is if you're just a die hard Demi Moore fan. It does have some good joke cracking moments so it can be a little fun if you watch it with some friends, but other than that...naaaah. Demi Moore is a nice looking lady, but she's not my cup of tea really. Her voice is way too raspy to my liking.