PIRANHA
THE STORY: Hmmmm. I don't know what to make of this movie. It didn't totally suck, but I don't want to watch it again.
Chris Ryder, an archeologist is plagued by nightmares of his family being murdered years ago when he was child in a remote castle in Yugoslavia.. His father was an archeologist researching 'Prince Elok'. (sp?) Now, years later Chris believes he can find the hidden torture chamber in the castle. He gets his girlfriend, Jenny, the editor of "Modern Archeology" magazine to sponsor his mission and his down-on-his-luck-alcoholic photographer pal, Paul to document it. Paul's girlfriend, Marcy, a bimbo model goes along also. The only thing we learn for certain about Prince Elok is that he worshipped some Slavic demon that granted him eternal life and Elok liked to torture peasants. Oh, and Elok was only TEN years old.
Some Croatian dude that drives the group to the castle realizes that Chris is an archeologist and who he is. He seeks out Roman Darc. Darc was Chris' dad's assistant and is a Yugoslav mental asylum. He was framed for the murder of the family. Darc gleans from the Croatian dude that Chris is back at the castle and escapes the asylum. (rather easily, I might add) Meanwhile, Chris starts to go nuts while trying to find the "playroom".(Elok's torture chamber) He starts seeing Daniel, a ghostly ten year old that was his imaginary friend in childhood. Three guesses is more than you'll need to figure out that Daniel is actually the spirit of Elok. After missing a few Big Ass Clues that Chris is off his rocker Jenny and Paul decide that one of them should go get help. Jenny leaves the castle in the dead of night to do so. Chris finds the Playroom and completely goes whacko, spurred on by Daniel. Through flashbacks we discover that Chris murdered the family with Daniel and then made it look like Darc was responsible. Of course Chris kills Marcy and Paul. Jenny is intercepted by Darc who has forced the Croatian dude to drive him to the castle. They all go there where Chris injures Darc and tries to kill Jenny. Jenny comes face to face with Elok and escapes. (Elok shows her his true appearance, which resembles a grotesque muppet, or more like the Cryptkeeper's little brother) After the Obligatory Fake Death, where Jenny has seemingly killed Chris but he manages live and try once again to kill her, Darc shoots him in the neck 5 times decapitating (sp) him. Darc, badly wounded, then expires. Jenny runs off into the morning.
Not very exciting. Pretty boring even. I'll check on it, but I'm confident in thinking this movie was made in the 80's. First off Chris' apartment sported a spanking new MacIntosh SE computer, truly a dinosaur in the 90's...plus Paul made a comment about the Iron Curtain and hell, Yugoslavia. Darc is played by actor Vince Schiavelli...you may not know the name but you'll know the man. he's had parts in a billion movies, but the one that comes to mind is Ghost. He was the angry ghost on the subway. Daniel, the evil ghost boy is played by Aron Eisenberg. Young Mr. Eisenberg played the character of Nog, the young nephew of Quark the Ferengi on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.
Best Lines: "Paul, I'm not gonna pose topless for anymore magazines! I've saturated the market with my tits!"- Marcy complains about her modeling career.
"Don't smoke....causes strokes."- Roman refuses a cigarette.
"Was that in your mind?!"- Daniel, furious over Chris calling him a figment of his imagination kicks him square in the balls.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:
1.) Chris has to pay off the Croatian dude not to tell the authorities that he's conducting an archeological dig in the castle...isn't unethical to do that without the Yugoslavian government's consent? How does Chris plan on publishing his findings then? It would be an admission of guilt! How is Jenny getting anything out of this? "Modern Archeology" magazine funds an illegal dig?
2.) These people are thick. Chris is clearly losing it while he gives his "children like to kill things" speech. The next day he's obviously nuts. I'd have either restrained him then or left for help right away. These morons wait until the dark of night and when Chris is very obviously murderously over the edge.
3.) During the obligatory sex scene 'twixt Chris and Jenny, Chris sure looks bored. (She's getting into it though). He must be a love machine 'cuz she's all moaning and stuff and he's just staring blankly. He could at least act like he's enjoying it. Oh, that would require acting.
4.) Marcy and Jenny are dressed like they're going to the mall! Its an archeological dig! In an old crumbling castle in the Balkans!
5.) Friend or not, Paul lets Chris hit him a buncha times before Chris finally kills him. It was no secret at this point that Chris is stark ravin' mad...but Paul is trying to reason with him! Funk Dat! I'd have put my foot in Chris' ass and reasoned with him later. (I personally would have just tried to kill his crazy butt.)
6.) Why does Jenny stop to cry over Paul when she knocks him out. He just tried to kill her! He's killed all of the other people there! Run you stupid cow!
NUDITY AND SEX: All four of the main characters engage in sex.
HUH?: Is Roman an American? He doesn't have any sort of an accent and he speaks like an American. Why then is he in a Yugoslavian asylum?
Roman escapes the asylum rather easily. Really easily! He knocks out one old ass security guard and walks out. Why didn't he do that a long time ago?
Paul takes pictures in the castle with no flash or lights? This guy is a professional photographer?
What is this Slavic Demon that Prince Elok worshipped? We don't find out more about it.
If Elok is supposed to have eternal life than why is he a ghost kid? What happened? No joy there either, its not explained. Sorry ass scriptwriters.
THE TALLY: This movie has a real problem, even compared to other 'supernatural-killer' flicks. It telegraphs the who's who of who is going to die way ahead of time. I knew as soon as they got to the castle. Marcy, being the official BWBT, (Bitch With Big Tits) was a goner, and Chris seemed too whacko and unlikable to live. That left Paul and Jenny. Paul, a reformed alcoholic had a chance, but since Jenny was nice, pretty and blonde I knew Paul was toast. Especially when Paul started sneaking sips out of a secret bottle of hooch. Don't waste your time with this movie. There's hardly enough in it to crack one or two good jokes. No fun in this Playroom.