Starring: Kevin Costner, Olivia Williams, Larenz Tate and Tom Petty    Directed by : Kevin Reynolds

THE STORY:  I have nothing but respect for Kevin Costner. He may have pissed a lot of people off with some of his movies (Waterworld) but you can't say the man doesn't love his craft. You can tell he does. He loves movie making as much as anything....and he's been successful at it. Yeah, you can say his box office takings weren't up to a lot of the movies he's put out. (Waterworld and probably this one) but he did MAKE a movie. That's an accomplishment. We can all laugh about the movie "Forever Evil" but the main man Dr. Freex wrote it and had a part in it. (And I think it was pretty entertaining.) The point is, Forever Evil is no classic but its fun to watch and thus a success. I don't think its a bad movie because it was cheap. If Doc Freex had a portion of The Postman's budget he might be winning an award right now for it!

That said, a lot of people downright hated this movie. As I said in the review of Waterworld, its not a BAD movie, its just too freaking long. I started this flick on Friday and its Monday when the credits roll. What the hell is wrong with you, Costner? Keep it down. I haven't seen Dancing with Wolves or Wyatt Earp yet 'cuz you scared me off. I don't have all week to watch one [unwrite]in' flick!

Though this is a post apocalypse movie don't expect an action packed roller coast ride like The Road Warrior. (I'm sorry, but Mad Max and the Road Warrior are the yardsticks that most PA movies are based on. Live with it.) Kevin Costner plays an unnamed drifter in the wastelands of the American west. Some war or plague or both has really kicked humanity in the ass. The drifter tries to stay away from 'civilization' with his donkey (or ass, or whatever it is...I don't know...I don't like horses....one stepped on my foot once, but that's another story....) but he has to visit one town in order to score some food. Unfortunately, the Holnist army is on the move and he becomes an unwilling recruit when they demand three men of town sign up with them. In this world, there is no central US government...the White House burned to the ground according to the film's main bad guy "General" Bethlehem. The Holnist Army rules the area (Oregon? the entire pacific coast? I'm not sure) and the people live in fear of them. Its like the bandits in the Magnificent 7. The holnists ride into town, demand goods, the people give it up and they leave to come back later.

I'll get off of the beaten track hear for a minute....the holnists aren't really defined. We know that they're a racist KKK type organization formed by some jerk named Nathan Holn...and that Bethlehem is now the leader of them. We learn that they started or were involved in whatever destroyed the world...and that's it. This movie is ALMOST 3 HOURS long. Kev, you could have given us more insight on the Holnists. The shots of you travelling through the wilderness were beautiful, but damn it, I want to know about the bad guys!

Anyway, the drifter escapes the Holnist army and is on the run. He finds an abandoned US mail truck with a dead mailman in it. Quickly the Drifter puts on the mailman's uniforms (after taking it off of the skeleton...eeeew) to stay warm and gets a bright idea. He arrives at the town of Pineview claiming to be a mail carrier for the New restored United States. this is so he can score some grub and a place to sleep., Everyone believes him but the local sheriff who figures out he's a big fat liar. One lady, Abby asks him to sleep with her so she can have a baby. Her husband is infertile due to "The Bad mumps" or as b-movie watchers will know...the "contrived non-fatal bad disease that makes people infertile.". The Drifter, now called the Postman, complies, but now he has to leave before he wears out his welcome.

Well, the Postman moves on to try his trick elsewhere. But one kid, Ford Lincoln Mercury (Really) is so impressed and believes his story so much that he starts imitating the Postman and pretty soon an actual postal service is started by him. Ford's postal service now connects the desolate towns and villages and opens lines of communications. This doesn't sit well with Bethlehem because a restored US threatens his power.

Need I say it? the whole movie is boiling down to a fight between the Postman and the general. We all know it, the good part is getting there. Bethlehem captures Abby after killing her husband and the Postman saves her. They discover what Ford has been doing and for awhile try to keep the postal services going until Bethlehem begins killing the carriers. Eventually, the Postman, once a peaceful drifter that didn't like to fight, has to face his enemy, Bethlehem, a brute that loves to fight. Guess who wins.

If this movie wasn't so damned long I'd have loved it to death. I like PA movies in the first place, but three hours? That's pretty long for a movie and its too long for this one. I don't need to have Costner whack me over the head with an American Flag. I get it. I also don't see anything romantic or even patriotic about the mail. Really. I only get bills and adds in the mail anyway. Which is a shame...I used to be a prolific letter writer in college. Hell, I even kept a scrapbook of letters that my friends had written to me....kind of to keep them in my heart always. (But I was robbed during desert Storm and that was one of the things the thieves took...go figure.)

Anyway, you might want to check this out for the novelty at least. Will Patton was General Bethlehem. I'm sorry, but I could kick his ass easily. Still he did have a flair for portraying this villain. And Giovanni Ribisi is in this as YET another idiot that has brain damage. Hey, Ribisi....please do something else than play stupid guys. Its getting old.

BEST LINES: "He tried with me almost every night...he couldn't do it, so he beat me. Said it was my fault."- Abby tells The Postman how Bethlehem tried to rape her but couldn't.

"Wouldn't it be great if wars were just fought by the assholes that started 'em?"- The Postman to General Bethlehem.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) If Bethlehem wanted "pure" men as soldiers, how did the retard guy get there? (Ribisi) I mean its obvious that he's missing a few slices out of his loaf. There's a reason that you have to take a written exam to join the armed forces even today....really stupid people can get other people killed.

2.) Wow! Abby fires that M-16 like she was trained to do it. Not only did she hit one of the Holnists in the head from a distance when she fires at Bethlehem she uses a good firing position. Not like other movies where you see guys firing from the hip or not even looking through the sites and still making the target. No sirree bob, Abby fires that rifle as good as a professional soldier. I'll bet she could get an "expert" badge at a real army range.

3.) On the flip side of that Abby 'nips' Bethlehem in the arm and he's barely wounded. With an M-16. From a distance of lets say 40 to fifty meters. Do you realize how much power a round out of an m-16 has at that range? (I don't know if it was an A-1 or an A-2...it looked like an A-2 but the handguards are interchangeable so you really can't tell.) The maximum effective range of an M-16 is a few HUNDRED meters. (Somewhere in the neighborhood of nearly 800 I believe. Man, I need to get to the range more often.)  So even at 60 meters that round is going fast enough to leave a nasty wound....but Bethlehem doesn't even seem barely wounded. Right. Those drums he's hiding behind damn sure wouldn't have stopped any of those bullets either. In real life Abby would've turned Bethlehem into The Stay Puft Swiss Cheese Man.

4.) Has Abby lost her freaking mind? Why burn the cabin down? Okay, so the pass is clear and they can move on...there's no reason to burn the cabin down. It might serve as a nifty hideout again someday. another wayward traveler might need it. And more importantly setting fire to it not brings the risk of a forest fire but it also might attract attention! (and Abby and the Postman are trying to not be found)

5.) Well, the whole world went to [unwrite], but Pineview has a pretty decent post apocalypse band! Seriously. I'm sorry, I understand that music and things like that must go on, but do these guys really have the time to practice "Come and Get your love"? in a post holocaust world. Tom Petty had a cameo and he wasn't even singing in this movie!

6.) I've never been a big Tom petty fan. yeah, I like a lot of his songs, I even own a few of his CD's (Yo, Tom, 'Change of Heart' might not have been a GREAT song, but I lived those lyrics when I heard it. Thanks dude.) I just wish Tom could have at least belted out a tune for us. I get that way about Rock and roll.

NUDITY AND SEX:  Abby gets naked and there are a few look-sees at her boobs. She also sex with the Postman.

HUH?:  Were all of those kids just holding their salute until the Postman came out with Ford? When he opens the door you don't see them raise their salutes so that means they were all standing there saluting until the postman came out!

Other than the way to give us the Ultra cheesy scene where the Postman rides back and snatches the letter from the little blonde kid (awwww) WHY DIDN'T THE STUPID KID YELL "HEY!POSTMAN!" when he rode by the first time!?

What powers the electric lights in Pineview? Even of they have generators they'd need fuel to run them?

Mail Carrier 18 has some serious Eyebrows going on there. Is she related to Don the Dragon Wilson or something? Hey, she's cute. Real cute. And The dragon's eyebrows are impressive...I wish mine looked like that and I'm not saying that just 'cuz Don could easily kick my ass off of the planet.

Man, I didn't want to have to do this,but....the part where Abby tells the Postman he has a gift is so cheesy, so sugary so moronic....oh dear...here goes....she tells the postman that he made Ford feel like part of the world again, that he made Mrs. March feel like she could see again and that he "hands out hope like it was candy in his pocket." Uh, right. By lying? And it wasn't a lie for the good of mankind or anything it was lie so he could scam so food and shelter. A lie which snowballed into a war. Do the mail carriers and innocent people that got killed because of this lie feel like he handed out hope like candy? That entire speech of Abby's was just to corny. All she needed to say was "I think I love you" or "maybe some good can come of your tremendous lie", not "YOU ARE A GOD AMONG MEN!". Man, I need an insulin shot after watching that part.

The Holnists sure rolled over [unwrite]ing fast. as soon as the Postman beat Bethlehem and said there's gonna be peace they all went "Um, yeah, that sounds good! Cool, man!" and agreed.

Its never really explained what happened to the world. I know this movie was based on a book, but lets be serious. How many people have even heard of this book or read it?

Dammit, Costner! I'm telling you to keep it short! This movie was damn near three hours long! This isn't the freakin' Ten Commandments! Try to keep it down!

THE FINAL JUDGMENT: I'd say you could waste time in worst ways but this movie was (I say again) THREE HOURS LONG <almost>) While it doesn't suck, its a trek. Rent it only if you really want to see it....if you rent it and aren't trying to watch TV all day, you'll be frustrated. And yes, I liked this movie. that's why the inferno gives it three devils. But it may be too sugary sweet for some and too patriotic for other. (I personally have a headache after having the flag beat me to death watching this.)