Prison of the Dead

Starring: Patrick Flood,  Jeff Peterson, Samuel Page, Kim Ryan, Alicia Arden, Michael Guerin, Debra Mayer   Written by: Matthew Johnson Walsh   Directed by: David DeCoteau

The Story:  Some things don't need to exist. That's one of the first things that popped into my mind after watching this piece of pig vomit. I don't really understand why this movie was released, let alone made, considering how terrible it is. No foolin' Droogies, I can't think of one positive thing to say about it. What the hell is wrong with Full Moon? Are they purposely trying to make themselves look stupid?

The plot to this thing is so simple and boring it really doesn't deserve the time its going to take me to write this. A group of rich kids are gathered at an old prison for the wake of one of their friends. The prison was at one time where witches were tortured and killed. Kristoff, the ringleader of these pricks, has his friends Rory, Michele, and Allie  join him there for a private viewing of their deceased buddy Calvin. But surprise, surprise....Calvin's not dead. He was only pretending to be dead in the coffin. Kristoff and Calvin cooked up this little story to get their friends together. Apparently these guys don't hang out with each other anymore because they're all busy with their own research.

You know, you'll have to actually see this movie to know how much the suggestion that any of these assholes are doing research in anything is laughable. The only one of them to have a shred of a personality is Michele, and surprise, surprise, she's a slutty bitch. I know that's not a surprise, but it is tiresome. you know from the start of the movie that anything Michele says or does is going to be as a slutty bitch. Kristoff's father bought the prison a day prior to these events and has offered a reward  of a million bucks to anyone that can find the "Talon Key". A key that supposedly opens a door in the bottom of the prison. Kristoff and Calvin chose this location for their prank so they can enlist the help of their friends in finding the key.

Oh, and by the way, the gang were followed by Billy, Kat, and some really Nerdy Looking Guy. Billy has a beef with Kristoff because he's "banged every girl on campus" and wants a little payback. When his friends begin to question this plan he reminds them that the only way they have back into town is his pickup truck. And this is the part of the review where I'm going to go into a rage filled ranting tantrum....This movie isn't prison of the dead...its FINAL STAB! That's practically the same freakin' plot for Final Stab! All they did was take the script for FS, change a few names, change the location from a house in the middle of nowhere to a prison in the middle of nowhere and have the killings done by undead executioners instead of  a knife wielding maniac. Its even directed by the same person as Final Stab. No joke, , my droogies and only friends, check it out

Final Stab's characters are rich snobby 20 somethings....like these guys.

Final Stab's little prank is for one of the "friends" to play dead.....Prison of the Dead's little prank is to have Calvin play dead.

Final Stab has a group of locals that sneak around the premises looking for revenge on the rich kids.....Prison of the Dead has a group of angry kids sneaking around the premises looking for revenge on the rich kids.

Final Stab had a main character that in a (non) shocking twist, admits that he had a gay  affair with another character. Prison of the Dead makes at least 3 references to Kristoff being bisexual or gay. THREE BLATANT  references.

The big difference between those movies are Final Stab didn't really suck that bad, but this flick was just plain bad. Bad acting, bad dialogue and a lot of padded scenes. When the crew tries to discern the whereabouts of the Talon Key with a Ouija board they awaken the spirits of the witches and the undead executioners rise from their graves to kill them again. This rising from the grave part lasted about three times longer than it needed to in order to get its point across. but since its probably the most exciting part of the movie I can see why DeCoteau let it run so long. Nothing that happens afterward is all that interesting. The witch spirits take over the bodies of the characters and the extremely slow moving executioners kill them in the most boring, gore less ways. Eventually only Kristoff is left alive and he escapes the building in one of the worst endings for any movie I've ever seen.

This is truly a horrible flick, and I'm warning you all out there to not bother with it. the only way this movie can be even a teeny weeny bit entertaining is if you watch it with some friends and a keg and crack jokes at it. And that's not gonna be that much fun because overall watching it sucks as an experience.

Are you kidding me?

1.) All of these rich assholes are supposed to be into the paranormal and doing their own research on it, yada,yada, yada. But  when Kristoff presents them with a Ouija board all of a sudden they don't know how it works. Allie is actually afraid of it. Excuse me? How can you "be into" the paranormal and not know how a Ouija board works? And how the hell can you be scared of it if you're a paranormal expert?

2.) Kristoff's father owns a tabloid newspaper that's offering the reward for the talon key. But Kristoff's dad just bought the prison. So if he owns the place where the key is supposedly hidden, how is anyone supposed to find the damned thing? Break in and search for it? Maybe daddy-o figured he'd search and find it himself and win his own million bucks.

3.) These guys are real pricks, but they're forgiving pricks. If I went back home for a funeral of a friend only to find out that the guy is still alive and was just a trick to get me to come home, I'd put my foot so far up someone's ass they'd be tasting toe jam.

4.) I guess in an attempt to make this movie a little different from Final Stab, Billy, the revenge seeking thug, turns out to be working for Kristoff. Only it makes no sense. Kristoff apparently paid Billy to jump him at some point and make it look like he was beating him up. The supernatural shenanigans axed that plan.....and its a good thing too, because I can't figure out why they had that plan! what was Kristoff trying to accomplish with that dumb idea? Actually the reason I think the entire exchange between Billy and Kristoff  about this plan is a thinly veiled excuse to bring up bisexual activities again! (Billy and Kristoff talk about a threesome they had with a girl and the girl got left out....yuck!)

5.) Hey, I know its gotta be a challenge for a film maker to make characters act realistically in supernatural situations....but for cryin' out loud! When Kristoff and company use the Ouija board Billy and friends are watching from a window. An eerie light appears and flies over Billy and his friends and their reaction is....well, its like "Wow.  What was that.". Now in a better movie I could forgive that. but in this dumb ass flick...no way. I'm not in a former prison where witches were executed watching some dweebs mess with a Ouija board and if an eerie light flies over my head right now I'm running like hell!

6.) Kristoff runs past the executioners twice and these dread undead harbingers of death can't manage to kill him. Yeah, I'm shaking in my boots....these guys are scary. (That was sarcasm)

Sex and Nudity: No nudity is seen. Bisexual encounters are mentioned numerous times. Rory and Michele have sex.

Huh?:

Okay, this is weird. The prison is the site of witch trials and executions. Some of the implements of torture are still there! Yet Kristoff's dad bought it? I mean, wouldn't a place like that be an historical landmark? If its a prison doesn't it belong to the local government? Why would they sell it? A prison with a reputation like this one would be a gold mine for tourist industry!

Kristoff calls his limo driver and has an argument with him. The driver doesn't feel like picking him up at that moment and suggests that Kristoff calls a cab! what the [unwrite]? would a guy that makes a living driving limo really tell his employer to get a cab because he's busy eating at Denny's?

Billy complains that the Nerdy Guy he hangs out with was drunk. Well, every time we see the nerdy Guy he's drinking a beer....and he's carrying a cooler! You know, one of those little min-coolers. I assume its full of more beer. But why is he carrying the damned thing? I mean, if you were going to skulk around following some people with the intent to do some mischief would you carry a freakin' cooler?

The Final Judgment: There's no redeemable features in this movie. Full Moon, Charles Band, DeCoteau and everyone else involved in making it should be deeply ashamed. There ought to be a lemon law for movies like this.

Prison of the Dead is now sentenced to triple life sentences in the Infernal Prison. Just like the movie's tagline, there is no parole in hell!