The Protector

THE STORY: Anyone remember those old TV shows Stingray and the Equalizer? What do they have in common with this movie? Well, they were all about guys who were ex-government super-bad-ass guys that used their skills to help innocent people. Often for no pay, just for the hell of it or in the case of Stingray, he used to tell people he would need a favor in the future and they were obligated to help him out. His favors always involved helping someone else...Well this movie is like those shows. The previews showed a lot of people teleporting and stuff, but that's not what happened in the actual movie...it was just VR stuff.

John Templeton was a government assassin. While away on a mission his wife was raped and murdered. John felt that if he had only been there he could have saved her. So he quit and freelances. People contact him via the internet by the name "Gabriel". He then uses his skills to protect them from thugs the police can't. Alex Johnson, a beautiful woman, was dating Tony Angeleno. Tony's part of a crime family, but I don't think Alex realized that at first. But Tony got jealous when she went out to dinner with her co-worker, Bob. Tony beats Bob up in the restaurant he owns and later comes to Alex's apartment demanding to be let in. Alex doesn't want to see him and he storms off. He goes to Bob's place and kills him. A friend of Alex's tells her to contact "Gabriel" because he helped her once. Alex does so and soon John is saving her from Tony's thugs. He keeps her hidden in his super-duper fortress of solitude. John has quite a setup! He has a talking computer that can create holograms and a VR setup that he uses to practice and romance his dead wife. They follow the movie code that assures us that the hero and the woman he's protecting will fall in love. (Which requires a scene of the two in the sack) Tony however is connected to the mob! His Uncle Carmine warns him about pursuing Alex, though because it's bad for business. Tony hires Austin, a hitman that is supposedly the best. He tells Austin to kill john and get Alex. Then he wants Austin to kill uncle Carmine. Tony gives these instructions to Austin in front of Lou, a thug that obviously has some kind of friendship with Carmine. Austin tracks John down and captures Alex. John returns to his hideout and finds thugs waiting for him. But "Gertrude" the talking computer generates a few holograms that help john defeat the hoods. Alex frees herself and is kills Austin herself. She almost kills Tony, too, but Uncle Carmine shows up and does that himself. With the danger over, John and Alex go to bed.

I would swear that this movie was made for TV as a premiere episode for a new show if not for the nudity. My biggest problem was with the actor that played Tony. Every time he got hit and at the end killed, he rolled his eyes back like someone would do in a Sesame street sketch when they're fainting. Tony wasn't a convincing danger. The actors name is Cyril O'Reilly and I'll be looking out for him...he's probably in a dozen crappy movies since he sucks. John was played by Ed Marinaro. He was a cop on Hill Street Blues. He did a better acting job on that show, too. Austin was played by Lee Majors! Majors starred in his own show in the 80's, The Fall Guy. But I'll always remember him as Steve Austin, the bionic hero of The Six Million Dollar Man. (I wonder if his character was named Austin as homage to that show?)

Best Lines: "Well, at least you went to Sunday school. "-Austin to Lou when Lou comments that John's codename of Gabriel means the angel of death.

1.) Hologram projectors? Is this Star Trek? Dammit, I don't buy it. This guy has realistic looking holograms projected in his home. No [unwrite]in' way!

2.) The VR thing gets old fast. Especially since I'm sure that kind of equipment costs an assload of money. I was dumbfounded when John has one of his holo-romances with his dead wife right outside of the room that Alex is sleeping in. she could see him! If you had that kind of stuff in your home wouldn't you make sure no one could see when you were living out your weirdass fantasies?

3.) John goes to Tony's office and beats up some thugs...he even hits Tony. Tony picks a gun up and then Charges john...who kicks his ass again...what did Tony think was going to happen? He could have just shot him, but no, he's gotta charge him. Idiot.

4.) Um---does anyone actually have sex like they do in this movie and many others? Soft Kenny G music playing and the lovemaking is all slow and romantic like. Maybe I'm just an animal, but I think sex is usually sweaty, panting, sometimes loud and a lot more 'nasty' than what I see in these movies. Its like a harlequin romance!

5.) The fight choreography sucks! The blows landed wouldn't hurt Banshee, my kitten.

NUDITY AND SEX: Full frontal female nudity by Alex! Also the above mentioned slowass love seen with John and Alex.

HUH?: Tony's hoods chase Alex and John in a car. John pulls into a lot and stops and the bad guys pass by looking for them. I can't believe they didn't see the car. Pretty ineffectual mobsters.

John has a handprint scanner on his door. Yeah, his hideout is a warehouse of some kind, but that was really the icing on the cake as far as the VR and computer stuff went. He must have a 30 megazillion gigabyte hard drive.

Tony and Austin gain access to John's place and capture Alex by having a hooker plead outside the door about having car trouble. Now if I was Alex, a woman that knows her crazy mob related ex-boyfriend wants to kill her, I'd just say well, I'll call a tow truck from in here. But I wouldn't open the door. What does she think John has all those security precautions for?

Austin says he'll need a few days to track John down. Well, he knows who John is...they served together. he knows he uses the name Gabriel on the internet. He could probably just use Finger or Yahoo's People finder and get an address.

THE TALLY: Despite the stupid computer stuff, I liked this movie. more than I thought I would. I was going to give it three devils but since it had Lee Majors in it I'll give it four! The Six Million Dollar Man was one of my favorite shows! If you're not a Lee Majors fan, just take one devil off the score!