Starring: Eileen Daly, Christopher Adamson, Jonathan Coote, Kevin Howarth, David Warbeck

Directed by: Jake West 

The Story: You here a lot about the erotic appeal of vampires. I don't get it. Maybe I'm just not normal but I just don't get it. I've heard it said that the vampire's sucking of blood is somehow a sexual act. Please, don't bother to explain it to me because I really don't see it. I could make an argument that taking a good dump is a sexual act but I'm betting no one would get that either.

Which is why I'm not really crazy about movies about vampires that try to be erotic too. I'll admit that's partially because I don't like "erotic thrillers" that much. They're too much like the girls ya knew in high school that would tease you with just enough skin to get you excited but then didn't deliver on the goodies. It might be exhilarating for a few scant moments but ultimately you're left with nothing.

The vampire of this movie is Lilith Silver. Sometime in the 1800's (no date is given, but it looks like that time period) Lilith tried to save her lover/ brother/ good friend (its not made clear who this guy was) from being killed in a duel. She arrived too late and saw the poor bastard get shot. Lilith produced her own pistol and shot the surviving duelist, Sethan Blake. But Blake didn't die...he's actually a vampire! Sethan's assistant shot Lilith and she lay bleeding to death. Sethan though, was intrigued by her and turned her into a vampire....and then the movie moves to present day.

Lilith satisfies her thirst for blood by operating as "The Angel of Death", a freelance assassin. (Hey, can we try another name other than "Angel of Death" for female assassins. I know I've heard it before somewhere and I know I'm gonna *sigh* hear it again) She sucks the blood of her targets and then shoots them in the neck to cover up the bite marks. In her spare time she amuses herself by hanging out in a bar called "Transilvania"....its a hangout for Goth vampire wannabes. You know, the kind of place I wouldn't be caught in, lest someone thought my life was as empty as the regulars. Lilith finds her friends there amusing because they don't the first thing about real vampires. One of the bar patrons laughs off Lilith's suggestion that "if" vampires were real, being a professional assassin would be a great job for them.

I'd laugh too. Lilith goes off to commit murder on her next victim, but to be honest there's nothing supernatural about it, besides the fact that she drinks the blood. When we see Lilith sneaking past the victims security guards and into the house she does so with all the grace and agility of a drunken Sumo Wrestler. One thing she does note as she kills the man in the bathtub, is that he has a strange ring with an "all seeing" eye on it. But before she can snatch the ring for herself, the house alarms go off. Unbeknownst to Lilith the victims wife saw her drinking the blood and has alerted the guards. Lilith flees, killing the two guards on her way out.

I wish I could tell you that the movie gets interesting at this point, but it doesn't. You'd expect that Lilith would probably go onto some kind of investigation....what does the ring stand for? Well, in a way she does. She gets help from her friend "Chill Pilgrim" a computer hacker type guy who says he'll look into for her, and confides a little in Platinum, her human lover and contact for her murder jobs, but a lot of the movie is spent with Inspector Price, a Scotland Yard detective. Price is convinced that Lilith is a vampire and tries to prove it, making a fool out of himself several times. I wouldn't have minded, but Price seemed so goofy that it was obvious that he had little to no chance of beating Lilith. And then a lot of the movie is spent on what I suppose was erotic stuff. Yes, Eileen Daly is a good lookin' lady, and hey, I like the occasional sex scene, but in this movie it just seemed to get in the way....or fill the time...because nothing other than that happens. Price arrests Lilith on flimsy evidence and looks like an idiot...Lilith has sex....Price attacks Lilith with wooden stakes and gets his ass handed to him...etc. By the time the whole eye symbol came up again, I was getting pretty bored. Chill Pilgrim informs Lilith that the symbol belongs to the Illuminati...an organization that's like freemasonry on acid! And they somehow know Lilith is the Angel of Death and want to get her, since they hired her for her last hit and she failed to retrieve the ring. Lilith finds a videotape sent to her showing Platinum being tortured. She has to return the payment for her last kill or he dies. She goes, of course, and a not very exciting gunfight happens. Lilith wins, but Platinum is mortally wounded by Sethan Blake! He is the true leader of the Illuminati! Lilith goes after him of course, and man this is tiring....I mean, when she finally gets to fight Sethan its like a bad Highlander episode. The two vampires face off with swords since decapitation is the only way to kill a vampire in this movie. Also, Price arrives on the scene, and he is a member of this ultra secret Illuminati...but when he discovers that his big wig leader Sethan is truly a vampire he kills himself. All of this is for nothing though....the movie I mean...because of the twist ending....

Sethan and Lilith are lovers, not enemies. Ever since she became a vampire Lilith and Sethan have been in love. This whole Illuminati scheme and everything in the movie was an elaborate role playing game the two played to keep themselves amused. Its clever, I'll give it that, but frustrating. Its not just that the movie was a little different from what you might expect, its just that nothing in it was that interesting when it could have been. The same ending could have happened, but I'd have liked to have seen a little more about Lilith and vampires as they exist in this movie. and I mean more than her annoying smart alecky voice overs. In one of them she tells the audience that we know f**k all about vampires. Well, how could we know more when every damned vampire movie has different rules? Here's a rundown of vampirism presented in this flick:

A) Vampires have Enormous....and I mean freakin' huge, impossible to REALLY hide fangs. There's no way that Lilith could get away with those choppers and not have someone notice.                                                                                                  

B) Sunlight is not harmful to vampires. they can walk around in daylight, they just need to wear sunglasses.                               

C) Garlic doesn't repel vampires. They don't like the smell, but geez, who does?                                                                       

D) Crosses don't affect vampires at all. Already these guys sound pretty much invincible.                                                        

E) They have reflections! And can be photographed!

One more thing that bugs me just a little...can we please not use the name "Lilith" in any kind of horror movie again? Every witch, ghost, vampire, lycanthrope or freaky deaky chick in the pictures is named Lilith nowadays. I'm getting a little bit sick of it. The only good thing about the movie I can think of right now is that, as I said, Ms. Daly is good looking. But damn, there's a lot of pretty ladies out there. Next time I want to see a naked lady vampire I'll watch Innocent Blood.

Best Lines:  “Oh, bollocks.” - Price just before he kills himself. What the heck does "Bollocks" mean anyway?

 Are you kidding me?

1.) I hate to say it....well, actually, no I don't hate to say it....but can you think of anything more pathetic than a bunch of grown people dressing up like and pretending to be vampires and hanging out a "Goth" club discussing what a vampire would act like? Usually you just see people like that on some cheap TV talk show like Jerry Springer or Jenny Jones, but Egads, seeing even a facsimile of them in this movie boggles my infernal mind. I can't blame Lilith for hanging out in this Goth club though. If vampires really existed I'm sure they'd get a lot of laughs watching these nutcakes. I sure did.

2.) I thought vampires were supposed to be....fast. Watch Lilith as she goes on her first hit in the movie. Not only does she move in clunky sort of fashion she's not particularly graceful or quick. Okay, like most vampire movies nowadays they've changed the rules a bit...so maybe in this movie vampires aren't any faster or nimble than ordinary people. But if that's the case than what's the point in Lilith being an assassin? I fault the direction of this flick for it....if the actress playing Lilith had at least tried to move like one would expect a vampire to move I wouldn't question it. but when she runs she looks like someone who just can't run at all. My neighbors 1 year old runs better than that! (and faster methinks.)

3.) I don't know how Scotland Yard functions, but I have to wonder how Price could get his boss to approve of his arrest of Lilith. He does so without knowing a shred of the "evidence" that Price has against her...which is nothing! All Price has is a woman who says that Lilith looks like the woman she saw drinking her husband's blood and that she's a vampire! Then this idiot hauls her down to the police station and expects her to just confess? As Price's boss goes nuts on him for such a bonehead maneuver Lilith's voiceover tells us that this is one of the things that make being a vampire fun....rational people just won't believe in vampires. I'll say! If Price were smart he'd have at least tried to get some real evidence. Fox Mulder he ain't. Besides...Lilith just killed a guy in her home when Price arrived! A search warrant on hand would have made her arrest justifiable!

4.) Sethan's female bodyguards are pretty stupid. Now, one could assume that since Lilith didn't know they were also vampires the two women let her sneak up on them with the "throw the cel phone near them and then call it trick" knowing Lilith's bullets wouldn't really kill them. But afterwards when they catch up to her in the house the blonde bodyguard runs right up to Lilith unarmed, giving Lilith the perfect chance to use her sword and cut her head off. Didn't she see that Lilith had that big pig sticker?

5.) Lilith's daring rescue of Platinum was...uh...goofy. Because her plan involved letting the bad guys shoot her as she tried to untie Platinum. Lilith, of course, knew the bullets wouldn't kill her and thus she'd be able to shoot back after they thought they snuffed her. But her plan hinges on these guys being really good shots! She's standing right next to Platinum! (not in front, NEXT TO) Only a miracle...and the script...kept him from being turned into Swiss Cheese by the flying lead! If you watch the angle they shoot at, its actually almost inconceivable that they didn't hit Platinum.

6.) Okay, we get it....Lilith's a vampire. For the love of Pete, stop showing us closeups of her mouth with those oversized, really fake lookin' vampire teeth. Its not only annoying, it looks dumb and it gets old REALLY fast! It'd be different if the teeth didn't look phony, but they do and it makes it hard to take anything in the movie with a grain of salt.

Nudity and Sex: Lilith has sex a couple of times. Female nudity abounds.

Huh?:

I could be wrong...but in the scene where Lilith shows her computer/hacker buddy "Chill Pilgrim" the Illuminati symbol online I didn't see a camera on her computer. It looks like she holds the paper right up to the screen. 

Blake has got some seriously f'd up teeth. And I ain't talking about the fake vampire teeth either. If this tells you anything, my droogies, see your dentist at least once a year! Blake sure didn't and yow!

You know, we never do find out who the man Sethan killed at the start of the movie was, and why he was so important to Lilith.

Considering that Price just arrested a woman and called her a vampire with no real proof, and that his superiors now think he's gone off his rocker, why didn't they suspend him? Wouldn't the police chief have sufficient cause to think that Price is unstable and maybe needs to be in a doctors care? Think about it. If you accuse someone of being a vampire (especially one of these vampires that can walk in daylight and aren't scared of crosses or garlic) your friends, family and coworkers are gonna think you're a few cans short of a six pack. If a cop does the same thing would you want this guy still carrying a gun?

Chill Pilgrim tells Lilith that the Illuminati are so secret he can't find anything on them, but he also tells her that he's found out that they have they're fingers in everything...little governments inside of big governments he says. How did he find this out if the Illuminati are so secretive?

The Final Judgment: I thought I'd like this movie more than I did. It was entertaining enough, and the twist ending wasn't all that bad, but there really wasn't much else to it. Too much time was wasted on the "Aren't I sexy" stuff from Lilith. Its ironic that Lilith made fun of her human friends at the Goth club playing fantasy vampire, when a lot of the movie was basically a wanna-be vampires wet dream. The Infernal troops give this flick three devil heads, but if you have a choice and want to watch a vampire lady movie rent Innocent Blood first.