Starring: Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, C. Thomas Howell, Lea Thompson  Directed by: Robert Milius

THE STORY:  A reader once asked me if I'd ever get around to this movie. I'll admit, I put this one off because I have always loathed this movie. I saw it when it was new and even though I was a callow youth then, I hated it. Its...its....its stupid. This movie has nothing to redeem it whatsoever. No interesting characters, no plot to speak of and a story that really makes no sense. How anyone can actually claim to like it is beyond me. There are some people that said it was patriotic...oh, give me a break, will you. I can't off the top of my head tell you what movies are truly patriotic and which ones ain't, but brother this ain't it.

Of course this flick was made way back when there was a cold war and a Soviet Union. It shows, because its got Reagan-Era written all over it...all flash and no bang. Just tedious scene after scene of people you won't care about fighting in a war that makes absolutely no sense whatsover. It was painful to see this again, because its sheer awfulness threatened to engulf my very soul.

In this movie universe NATO has dissolved...no real reason is given, because the people that wrote this weren't betting on you asking that. Mexico is in a bit of revolution. Basically the world is in turmoil. The United States of America stands alone, without allies. Ok, right. The US has pretty much helped out a lot of countries...I'd like to think that the entire world wasn't so mean spirited. Because we have no allies, I guess we lost all of our internal resources because russia launches a sneak attack so quick and so devastating that within two minutes or so of actual movie time soviet troops are parachuting into Colorado!!!

Yep, we missed those big ass clusters of soviet planes flying over the coast. Also nuclear weapons were used we find later by dialogue, but we don't see evidence of this. Ay yi yi....

In the tiny town of Calumet, Jed, a former high school quarterback and his brother Matt escape the soviet and nicauraguan troops (!!!) with several friends and hide out in the mountains. They don't know whats going on for about a month or so while they hide out and try to survive. I guess all that stuff about nukes going off and troops marching up from Mexico to COLORADO wasn't newsworthy. So after a quick jaunt into Calumet to see what things are like the gang sees that the Soviets have conquered half of America and put dissenters into concentration camps. (including Jed and Matt's dad) They also find out that the KGB is looking for them because, well, they're high school students! Gotta be dangerous. (This, nearly twenty years before we really had cause to worry about High School students making terroristic attacks...and no, that wasn't a joke.) Jed and his homeys make their way to see Mr. Mason, an old family friend who entrusts them with the care of his two teenaged granddaughters and the kids go back to the woods to hide...and start their private guerilla army.

Now, I believe that if foriegn troops tried to land in America the people would fight....but I don't believe that a group of nearly starving teenagers could defeat trained soldiers in pitched battle time and time again. Thats what we're treated to. The kids befriend a shot down pilot, LtCol Tanner, but it comes to naught. Tanner is killed in an undramatic scene, which probably relieved Powers Boothe greatly since he didn't have to be in this toilet of a movie any longer.

You know, I can't think of anything else to say to make this plain to you, my droogies....this movie sucks. Jed and his friends kill some commies. They almost get caught because Daryl betrays them. They kill Daryl. They get hungry. The soviets, wo are looking for them drop some food on the road to lure them out. most of them get killed for falling for such an obvious trap. In the end Jed and Mattie launch a suicide mission to give erica and some other kid a chance to make to "free america." Ugh.

It sucked. It sucked badly. I'm betting that most of these actors don't use it on their resume. Hey, Lea Thompson should be grateful...she got to star in Carolyn in the City after this AND Howard the duck. Patrick Swayze must have made a deal with Satan to become somewhat of a star. C. Thomas Howell should have made a pact with Satan because last I saw of him he was starring in completely turd ridden b-movies. Charlie Sheen? Who the [unwrite] cares? Avoid this one like ebola my droogs and only friends. It can cause seizures in people with IQ's higher than their shoe size.

Best Lines: In this movie?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) I guess Jed and Matt's pop cracked up while in the Soviet reeducation camp. He doesn't give up one piece of useful information. At all! When asked what happened he says some bull crap about swings at a park, etc. When asked what happened to his wife, the boy's mom, he says nothing. But he sure wastes a few minutes of screen time. I can't believe that there are people that LIKE this movie. Its awful!

2.) You know Mr. Mason sure seems like a jolly old guy to be living "smack dab in the middle of World War Three". He sends his granddaughters, Toni and Erica with Jed and the gang, hoping to keep them safe from the russians, who he says "tried to have their way with them". Yeah, good move, Mr. Mason...handing two hot young thangs to a bunch of teenage boys....desperate teenage boys...that live and hide in the mountains. They'll be a lot safer there....sure. Hope you packed some condoms.

3.) Talk about overkill. Would the soviets really have used tanks and huge as machine guns in a firing squad? Good lord, this is one stupid movie.

4.) When the "Wolverines" begin their attacks, it is truly one of the silliest things I've ever seen in a movie. So I'm supposed to believe that these kids know how use these weapons they must have stolen from the soviets? Even if they stole the manuals it would be in russian! Unless they're just gun freaks I doubt an average teenager could use an M-16 properly without training of some kind. And for all of you fans of this ridiculous movie...before you go on about how all they have to do is shoot the thing and they know how to hunt, etc, etc...weapons need maintenance. So not only do these kids know how to fire russian made weapons without training, they can disassemble them, clean them and put them together, too? Bull[unwrite]. I can't even say I can do it and I've at least had experience with machine guns.

5.) Its been a long time since I've seen this movie so I waited patiently with the Infernal hordes to see this part again...because I had to be sure I was correct before I jotted down my notes on it. LtCol Tanner tells the wolverines that the Russians nuked several US cities in the beginning of the attack. Again, if you're one of the yahoos that liked this [unwrite]pile, go rent the movie "Failsafe". Its old, but it should give you a fair idea about the term Mutually Assured Destruction. (and its a pretty good flick) He then tells them that the nicauraugans came up through Mexico after using "infiltrators" to take out SAC. Yeah, right. I can't even get into my office without an ID check and I have a TS clearance! I'm sure the *snicker* nicauraugans could fool SAC into letting them place "infiltrators" in key points to raise havoc. I shouldn't have to even add that in order to enter the US that way they'd have to come through Texas. Now lets think about that...Fort Hood and Fort Bliss are in Texas, as I believe Lackland AFB is also. And Texans don't take a lotta [unwrite] and a lot of them have guns...(hey, if you're gonna believe this crap, believe all the myths) Nope, don't see it. Tanner further explains that the US forces stopped the russians at the Missisippi and defeated an attempt to come across the berring straits through Canada. (Like the Canadians wouldn't have mobilized when a russian army starts tromping through their country....right) I don't have to explain that routine satellite recon and normal intelligence would have alerted US forces that an army was massing at the border of Mexico do I? This is the crux of this movies stupidity. First we have to believe that a nuclear attack on the US wouldn't result in nukes flying all over the place, then we have to buy that a South American Army could simply walk across the border with little resistance and we also have to accept that SAC could be infiltrated and sabotaged so easily. It stuns me and the Infernal demons how stupid this is...and it angers us all that there are some people that think this movie is a great flick! Check out the IMDb comments! Were these people watching the same movie I was? Dear lord, we need to fix the education system in America before we wind up with bozos that would let something this inane happen!

6.) How did Daryll sneak into town, get caught and sneak back to the group without anyone knowing this? They can't be camped too close to the town or they would have been caught.

NUDITY AND SEX:  Zip

HUH?:  I've never been deer hunting. I've never been hunting period, actually. While I will admit living off of the land is probably a good skill to have, I just can't work up any enthusiasm for shooting a deer. (Now if I was starving and had to hunt for dinner I'd [unwrite]ing strangle a deer if I had to) But even if I did I'll be damned before you can get me to drink its blood. And do these bozo's really have time for that?

I love the way Colonel Bella jumps right to the conclusion that Daryl, the mayor's son, must have had something to do with the murder of three of his men. Yeah, it couldn't have possibly been like, some soldiers, or anything.

You know, when I first saw this movie back in the 80's I thought the food falling out of the truck thing was way to convenient. It had to be a trap. I can't believe these idiots fell for it. Oh, yes I can. This movie blows. Why would the russians be shipping in a buttload of oranges anyway? I seriously doubt that oranges grow over in Leningrad.

Ok, I'm only going to explain this once, and this is for the benefit of people that find this story plausible...among the many ways to drive the Death Star through the galaxy-sized plotholes in this turkey, how are the russians supplying their troops? By Sea? Oh, I guess they defeated the US Navy too? Even though the US still has and did in the 80's a superior Naval force? Through canada?.....right. No way. From Mexico? Well, with this movies ridiculous story, maybe, but I doubt they'd be able to constantly resupplly an occupying force with ammo, food, and stuff on US turf.

THE FINAL JUDGMENT: I find very movies completely worthless, even the ones that go into the pit. Most have at least a glimmer of something. But not this movie. Watching my cat in the litterbox provided more entertainment and a better story!

For being an offense to the eyes of Movie Viewers, I now sentence Red Dawn to the darkest pit of the Inferno where it shall be banished to the Hills of Gloom and be forced to eat rancid deer meat in a war zone.