THE STORY: What a kick in the balls...and that ain't no kung fu joke. After a miserable day...my shoulder is killing me, and I can't feel half of my left hand thanks to a recent injury...I thought I'd cheer myself up with a new DVD. Well, the cover of Romeo Must Die caught my eye. Jet Li! Yeah, that's the ticket! Man, was I let down.

You know what really cheeses my cracker? The title. If you name a movie "Romeo Must Die" or even "Romeo goes to Chinatown" you kind of expect a romance of sorts in the flick don't you? You can't very well name a movie "The Ass Kicking Tough Guy!" and then make the hero a really sensitive dude that gets in to little to no fights and enjoys watching flowers grow. Well, maybe that's what they should have done, because Jet doesn't kick enough ass in this movie. Oh, he does kick ass, but its not enough and there's too many crazy FX involved in some of them.

The Chinese druglord, Mr. Sing and the local Black druglord, Isaak O' Day enjoy an uncomfortable truce on the streets. Both men are trying to buy up property by the waterfront in order to get a deal for a new NFL stadium. This non-war heats up though when Sing's son, Po, is murdered and it looks like O' Day's men are behind it. O' Day claims innocence but fears reprisals. His son, Colin is a lieutenant in his business and his daughter Trish wants nothing to do with either of them. Enter Han....

Han (Jet Li), is Sing's oldest son. After learning of Po's murder he escapes from a Chinese prison and arrives in the US to avenge him.You see, Han was a policeman in Hong Kong but he took the fall for Sing in an unexplained case. Sing and Po fled Hong Kong and set up business in the US. Its ironic...no its actually kind of contrived that the first person Han really meets in the US is Trish. He doesn't know who she is or that she's somehow involved in the plot when he meets her, but I guess they needed some kind of way to get them to meet.

It was around this time that I kind of lost all real interest in the movie...you see I can suspend my disbelief for a good while, but you have to throw me a bone. I could tell what was really going on in the story and who was behind it early on so watching the rest of it was merely an exercise in waiting to see my suspicions borne out. Yes, of course there's a double cross going on, and yes Han finds out that the person who should be the most unlikely to have killed Po is in fact the person that killed Po. As for the misleading title....the most romantic thing Han and Trish do is hug. And its a friendly hug, too, not a lovers embrace.

On the other hand there are a few good action scenes. Whenever a lethal blow is thrown there's an x-ray effect to show the bones actually being broken. That was pretty cool. And that's what most of us would rent a Jet Li action movie for! To see Jet kick some most serious ass! The downside to that is almost all of Han's conflicts with the black mob are played as comic relief. With the exception of the 'big fight at the end' they didn't do much for me. After all, who do we expect to win in these fights? The idiotic trash talking 'gangstas' or the lightning fast expert at Kung Fu?

As much as I'd like to say "Go rent this movie" I can only suggest it for people who are really into Jet Li. Most of the movie it seems was spent on watching O' Day's angst over how to turn his businesses legit. If I wanted to see that I'd have rented Sugar Hill.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) How the hell did Han get from Hong Kong to San Francisco? He escapes from a Chinese prison after beating the [unwrite] out of some guards so its safe to assume that the law in China are on the lookout for him. But he just magically appears in the US. Don't they have security at Chinese airports? I know they do in the US and I'd sure like to know where Han got a passport. I was stopped THREE times at the airport in Philadelphia last month coming from Europe...and I'm an American! That was the one thing that stuck in my mind the entire time I watched this flick....it would have been easier to say Han was estranged from his father and living, oh lets say in Canada. Instead of having Han beat up prison guards as a way to let the audience know he's an ass-kickin' son of bitch, make him a bartender! When he's introduced there can be a brawl in the bar that he breaks up with his kung fu. Then we can go to the part where he finds out Po has been killed and goes to avenge him. Hmmm...that's pretty bad when I can sit here and whip out a thought on how to introduce Han that's more plausible after downing two beers that's better than the one in the movie.

2.) I say that Sing and O'Day are druglords but to my recollection its not exactly said in the movie. I guess a better term would be Crimelords...but then that makes me wonder exactly what were they doing that was unlawful? We don't really see any police involvement so to be honest, they could both just be cutthroat businessmen.

3.) Even though this movie is billed as a Jet Li vehicle, Jet is probably seen the least out of all of the main characters. He doesn't even say much which makes me think that Jet Li doesn't speak much or any english. Theres nothing wrong with that...Hell, I can only speak english and I feel like a right idiot when I meet Germans my age that can speak english and deutsche perfectly! I just think its a shame because I think Jet Li could hold an American released movie on his own if the story was suited to his talents. This movie spent waaaaay too much time on the other characters. Trish was played by Aaliyah, who is a singer. I've NEVER heard of her, which hopefully will destroy any illusions that all black people listen to hip hop or whatever. (Personally I like classical music, alternative and 80's rock)

4.) There are some fight scenes where the use of CGI and wire effects are too obvious. In a different movie I'd just accept it. Or if the fights were so outrageous that it was needed to make Han seem like a superhuman...but come on...his chief foe is a fat thug named Maurice that has the brain power of a common hedgehog. (Scary thing is I KNOW guys like that!)I don't think Jet Li needed those scenes as they were. Jet's skillful enough that the FX were gratuitous.

NUDITY AND SEX:  None

HUH?:  I have to harp on it again....the movie is titled "Romeo must die" and supposedly some kind of love thang (not sex but, um, lets say attraction) is happening with Trish and Han. But I damn sure didn't see it. And you know, there didn't have to be a sex scene to convince me that there's love blooming between Trish and Han. I never doubted that Mike Brady loved Carol Brady on the Brady Bunch and we damn sure never saw them gettin' down wit it!

If movies are correct in anyway its awfully easy to get away with murder. I'm always amazed at how bad guys in flicks can commit cold blooded murder and the police have no clue about who did it. Both Po and Colin are killed in cold blood and there's no police involvement that we see. Man, I watch these shows on TV where they explain forensic investigation and they usually catch a guy because he farted in the same room he killed someone in!

Why hire Jet Li if you're not going to monopolize his prowess as a martial arts expert?

THE FINAL JUDGEMENT: As stated above, only real Jet Li fans need apply. Personally I liked the movie and would give it four devils, but I did feel somewhat let down by it so the demons of the Inferno are taking two away. I just wish they had hyped up the action bits a little and explored the love angle. You might enjoy it...it isn't really bad....and if you do drop the Inferno a line and let us know!