THE STORY: Soon after putting this tape in the VCR I lowered my head and wept. Oh, how this movie sucked. That's not too unusual for me, watching a sucky movie. But the first half of this movie was murder. I have never had anything against the State of Texas or Texans...I have a good friend that is from Texas...but this movie could make Hank Hill* renounce Texas.

This movie is told in one long as flashback from Captain Coldyron, a cop in Houston. When we first meet Coldyron its right after he's destroyed R.O.T.O.R. (which from now on I'll just type Rotor. I ain't typing all of those periods. It stands for Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research. That sounds stupid, doesn't it? I think they just of thought of a word and tried to make a cool acronym out of it.) We have to go through a really long part of the movie that shows Coldyron getting out of bed, riding his horse, drinking coffee, etc. Stuff that no one [unwrite]ing cares about...to make it even more painful there's an awful soundtrack of really bad country music and 80's style boom-boom music. This is the part that made me weep. God, the things I do for this website.

Anyhoo, Coldyron (pronounced "Cold Iron") heads a development team working on Rotor, a cheap version of Robocop. When Coldyron's superior, Division commander bugler demands immediate results, Coldyron resigns. Coldyron's assistant Houghlawtin and a freaking annoying robot take over. A completely stupid scene with some chick and a guy that claims to be a native American leads to Rotor's premature activation. Rotor leaves the lab and goes on what the movie would call a rampage. Actually, he pulls over a speeding car with an arguing couple in it. Rotor kills the man in cold blood and the woman, Sony, drives away. The rest of the movie is rotor chasing this woman. Every so often he fights a few people that try to protect her from this maniac cop. Coldyron is alerted to Rotor's activities and tries to save Sony. He catches up with her at a truck stop and is soundly beaten by Rotor. Sony escapes and Rotor gives chase. Coldyron contacts her on a CB in his truck...she has one in her car...and tells her to keep running to keep Rotor chasing her. This way he won't kill anyone else...while he uses a few hours to get help. Coldyron contacts Dr. Steel, a scientist that helped develop Rotor. Then he picks her up at the airport. Steel is willing to do whatever it takes to stop Rotor. You should know that Steel must be a female body builder. I almost thought she was a man at first, but when Coldyron takes her to her hotel she's in a dress. (Yes, he has time to call this person, fly her out from God knows where, take her to a hotel, and have a lengthy discussion about Robotics all the while Sony is still driving like a madwoman with Rotor on her tail. Yeesh) Well, Steel changes into a some really butch looking GI Joe-type clothes and she and Coldyron go after Rotor. When they catch up with Sony and Rotor Steel attacks him directly. She puts up a good fight too. (well, not a good fight....but she's the first person that Rotor hits besides Coldyron and can't kill or knock out with one or two blows) If there was any type of character development Steel might have been a slightly cool character. A female scientist thats also a mighty-muscled body builder. Rotor kills Steel but Coldyron rigs an explosive charge and blows him up.

After telling the story, Coldyron leaves the police station. Outside division commander Bugler shoots him in the back. The last thing we get to see is a college student nephew of Coldyron receiving notice of his uncle's death and the model for Rotor Mark II...which looks exactly like Steel.

Ow! Ow! Ow! This movie really [unwrite]in' hurt! It was  ultra-crappy at the beginning, went to just crappy for awhile, dove deep into retarded and then went sunk into stupid-crappy. The acting was terrible. But that may be humorous to bad movie lovers...to make sure that it isn't, they included a really bad soundtrack. I'm talkin' one that will induce vomiting. Hey, I'm all for low budget film makers if they can produce something entertaining. This movie? I think I have more money in my change jar than they spent on it.

Best Lines: "What do you think this is? Some low budget sci-fi movie?"- Houghlawtin to the annoying robot Willard. Note to writers of this film...don't try to make light of your own movie if it sucks.

1.) Oh, man, I could tell from the beginning that this was going to hurt really [unwrite]ing bad. Ever fall down and hurt yourself? You know how it seems like minutes pass as you're falling and you think about how bad its going to hurt when you hit the ground, even though the fall only takes a second? That's what I felt like...(only this movie took about 90 minutes) I knew it was going to really hurt.

2.) Um---14 minutes or so have passed. CAN WE GET ON WITH THE FREAKIN' STORY? Why am I watching Coldyron get dressed, make coffee and ride his stupid horse? Who is this guy, the Marlboro Man?

3.) Dammit! Who keeps telling people that wise cracking robots are funny? They're not! They never have been! Twiki on Buck Rogers in the 25th Century was not entertainment! Get over it!

4.) Ok, this movie not only sucks, the whole scene with the jive-talking guy that claims to be a native American is kind of racist. Scratch that...its not even well done enough to be racist. Actually its really just annoying and stupid.

5.) Sony and her fiancée argue a lot..and bitterly...for a couple that's supposed to be getting married. Well, rotor takes care of that when he blows Paul's brains out. I think Sony probably thinks of that as a favor.

6.) Sensor Recall?---Get the [unwrite] outta here! Rotor can replay events in his electronic brain even though he wasn't there! In a better movie I might have bought it. In this one...nahhhh.

7.) Rotor comes within yards of Sony several times. Why doesn't he just shoot her?

8.) Dr. Steel is a woman, though I at first thought she was a man. She's obviously played by a female body builder. Man, she changes from a conservative dress into a superhero outfit. Who is she, Doc Savage's** little sister?

NUDITY AND SEX: None

HUH?: After Rotor kills Sony's fiancée, she flees in the car but pulls over with Rotor chasing her. she mumbles she has to talk to him. FOR WHAT? He just shot her boyfriend in cold blood! Is she planning on a meaningful discussion on how Rotor blew her man's head off for breaking a speed limit? She's in a vehicle! Why not go get help? Why stop? Oh, God, who wrote this?

Sony stops at a payphone and calls for help. She gets the operator but she never pushed a [unwrite]ing button. She just picked up the receiver and the operator was there. Talk about good service! I can't get an operator that fast dialing from home!

If Sony has a [unwrite]ing CB in her car why'd she stop to use the payphone? Why not call a break-nine? (emergency call for CB radio users) All she had to do was turn on the radio and say "Break nine, emergency. Clear the channel". Everyone on the channel shuts up while you relay your information. She never had to stop...she could have had the police there in minutes! Plus, most police departments and highway patrols MONITOR CB traffic! Not to mention the truckers and other CB users that are usually filling up Channel 19...she could have relayed a plea for help from them. Hey! How did Coldyron know she had a CB in the first place? (Not to mention how did Coldyron Know what channel she was on...probably 19...thats the one mostly used by truckers...and yes, I used to have a CB in my car when I made a lot of long road trips.)

When Coldyron picks up Steel she tells him how its impossible to stop Rotor. After they leave to find him he asks if she thinks they can stop him...again. Is there something about the word impossible that he doesn't understand. (Steel was wrong anyway....since they stopped him.)

Oh, and I didn't miss the irony of having the heroes names Coldyron and Steel.

THE TALLY: Bathing in sizzling hot bacon grease is about the comfort level of the first half of this movie. Now when the chase starts it doesn't get much better, but at least the awful music kind of stops. I'm certain no one expects this movie to be any good, and that's a correct assumption. But it can probably fuel a lot of smartass jokes. Giving it a devil is being generous...the first half is tombstone city, but the stupidity of the second half breathed a whisper of life into its dead, rotting, fly infested carcass. Just don't view it alone.

*Hank Hill is the main character of the animated TV show King of the Hill. He's a proud Texan. Really funny show.

**Doc Savage is a fictional character. He's a scientific genius, but he he also has an Arnold Schwarzennegger type build and does all kinds of heroic deeds with his mighty muscles.