Slaughter in San Francisco

Starring: Chuck Norris and some Chinese guy who I guess is billed as Don Wong (it kind of says so on the box so I guess wong was playing himself....There were NO credits.

THE STORY:  Before you even think about renting this movie ask yourself these questions.

1. Do you like karate flicks that make absolutely no sense?

2. Do you like to laugh at movies when they're ridiculously bad?

3. Does awful dubbing and dialogue make you crack up in a fit of giggles?

4. Can you still find a bad movie entertaining even though the flick might be in reality, a real piece of crap?

If you answered yes to at least 2 of those questions you might be eligible for watching Slaughter in San Francisco. This movie was bad, but it had me in stitches. In the Inferno that's really what counts. The plot was pretty thin and pretty silly. Basically Wong, a Chinese cop in San Francisco gets booted off of the police force for killing a man that was beating up his partner, John Summer. Actually there was a gang of men beating on John but Wong only killed one of them. He just kung fu'd the rest into submission. Why were they attacking John? I don't know. A day or so before John and Wong had arrested two guys raping a girl named Sylvia, but at the station Sylvia refused to press charges. Turns out she knew the men and she claimed they were just playing around. What doesn't make sense is that she didn't tell John and Wong that while they were beating the guys up with karate. I guess a black belt is a prerequisite for the San Francico police force. Even John busted some kung fu moves and he's a black soul brother guy with an ENORMOUS afro. Anyway, I guess in some kind of retribution these slimeballs engineer a kidnapping of John on the street in broad daylight and take him to the beach to rough him up with a few friends. That's when Wong came along. That whole part is so crazy, you'll chuckle in its crappiness. It also has little to do with the rest of the movie.

After being kicked out of the force, Wong takes a job as a waiter. Why? I can't figure it. An ex-cop has got to have some other options other than waiting tables, and Wong apparently is a master of Kung Fu. I mean, couldn't he get a job as a bodyguard or martial arts instructor? While waiting tables he meets Mr. Bigshot...CHUCK NORRIS...as a badly dubbed Criminal mastermind. Mr. Bigshot offers Wong a job in his organization but Wong refuses, even though Bigshot threatens to have him killed if he doesn't come around. Just like that too....there's no surprises in this movie, at least not good ones. The dialogue is stilted and pretty much to the point. The dubbing makes me wonder though...the characters speak like they're in one of those old karate flicks you see on cable TV.

After that part we at last get around to what makes the crux of the story. John witnesses some men running away from a bank robbery one morning. He's on his way home, on foot, after an all night drinking binge with Wong. He's staggering and totally blotto, but when he confronts the men he breaks out into his kung fu moves as if he hadn't touched a drop. But there are too many for him and one of them pulls a gun. John runs but is caught in the backyard of the Chu family, where the men kill him. When the police find his body the captain, Newman, accuses Mr. and Mrs. Chu of being in on the murder and the bank robbery. (because the cops know that the men that robbed the bank were Chinese) I really don't see how this works, at least not in America. Newman has the Chu's arrested and locked up without bail on the charges even though Mr. Chu says he had nothing to do with the crime and didn't even see the men killing John in his backyard. Wong becomes involved because he wants to avenge John's death and free the Chus. Everything else is just an excuse to have kung fu fights. John goes around beating up Chinese criminals looking for clues and they lead him to Captain Newman! Apparently Newman was working for Mr. Bigshot and wants to frame the Chu's for the crime. (again, how does that work? Don't you need some evidence to frame somebody?) Wong fights Newman (who knows kung fu too...does everyone in Frisco know Kung fu or something?) and kills him.

There are a few other fights, like when Bigshot's men confront Wong on the street, but we all know they didn't pay Chuck Norris to be in this movie and not have a kung fu fight, so lets just skip to the finale. After all, Wong easily mops of the floor with dozens of opponents until he fights Bigshot. (This guy couldn't get a job doing anything else but waiting tables? He can fight two dozen guys at once and not get a scratch.) Its a close fight, but like most Kung fu heroes, Wong gets ten times more powerful when he removes his shirt. So he kicks Bigshot a new asshole and almost kills him when the cops burst onto the scene. The new police captain stops Wong from delivering the lethal blow telling him that he knows the whole story. The next we see Wong he's being reinstated to the police force, but refuses to carry a pistol saying "He has no need of guns". Yeah, whatever you say, Wong. I sure wouldn't fight him, but I'd damn well shoot him from afar if I were a criminal. Think he'd better take the piece. The end.

This movie is pretty old. I got my copy at a rummage sale at a local video store. (they were getting rid of a lot of old tapes.) The box prominently displays an illustration of Chuck Norris kicking ass, and says "Chuck Norris has never been deadlier" leading viewers to believe that Norris would be the hero. Heck, Chuck isn't even in the movie that much! Wong is the hero and he doesn't even get billing on the cover! The movie is murky looking and too dark in some scenes and the dubbing is really atrocious. Chuck Norris sounds like he's trying to be Edward G. Robinson from Key Largo. But you can't blame Chuck, he was dubbed by someone trying to be Edward G. Robinson from Key Largo. For another chuckle get this...The box says "enter the colorful world of Karate Combat and see Chuck Norris in one of his better acting performances". Yeah, he was so good they dubbed his voice. Ay yi yi. Still for bad movies lovers its a laugh riot. You might have a hard time finding it though. There's only the teensiest information on it at the IMDb. I'm going to have to send a copy of this to Greywizard. Not only is this movie probably unknown, I'm betting he'll split his ribs laughing at it.

Best Lines: "Rob, smuggle, peddle drugs, anything that makes money."- Mr. Bigshot. He sure doesn't let the grass grow under his feet, huh?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) What the [unwrite]? Why does the black cop have a British accent!? Its not Lenny Henry! What kinda soul brother is that for a 70's action movie? "I say old chap, won't you lay some skin on me, indubitably."

2.) Is this a joke? John is kidnapped in front of his wife on a suburban street. Luckily there's a phone booth right there! When was the last time you saw a tree lined residential area with houses and kids playing etc, with a [unwrite]ing phone both RIGHT THERE? Amazingly instead of calling the police she calls John's partner, Wong (well, he's a cop but you know what I mean) and he says "I'll be right there!" Unless he lived on that street a couple of doors down I don't see how he's going to get there too fast...but he does, and then the wife goes through a high-speed explanation of what happened. At this point I had a giggle fit and had to pause the tape. (you'll have to hear this part to truly appreciate it...she's like: "TheyvetakenJohnandwhattamIgoingtodowe'vejusttakenourkidtoschoolandthisu-haultruckstoppedinthemiddleoftheroadandjohnwentovertotakealookandsuddenlytheseguysjumpedoutandkidnappedhim!"

3.) If I were to take a page from Andrew's book at Badmovies.org I'd have to say One Thing I Learned From This Movie: Kung Fu fighting allows a previously completely inebriated person to sober up immediately.

4.) Holy Throw Rugs, Batman! Did they like, glue hair all over Chuck Norris for this movie? When he took his shirt off I thought he was turning into the Wolf Man!

5.) Its just as well that Chu's lawyer was killed because he sucks as an attorney. There is absolutely NO evidence to even support suspecting Mr. Chu of robbing the bank or killing John yet his lawyer can't get him out of jail. Lionel Hutz could have gotten Chu released! Somebody better call John "The Biscuit" Cage.

NUDITY AND SEX:  none

HUH?:  What the hell? Where did the police captain learn his trade? The Gestapo? His technique in questioning people must have been learned in Fascist Police State Procedures 101. John is found dead in the backyard of a Chinese family named Chu....they didn't see anything but the captain interrogates them...in their own house...as if they were the ones that robbed the bank and killed John. When the homeowner says he really doesn't know anything I almost expected the captain to say "Ve haff vays of making you talk!". Amazingly he beats the guy up after being offered a bribe. Man, California has some pretty [unwrite]ed up cops.

Nothing in this movie makes any sense. Why is Chuck Norris dubbed? And with such a bad voice! After the evil police captain is killed the police chief talks to Wong and he has an Irish accent that's right out of an old Hannah Barbera cartoon.

Was this movie made in England? I ask not because Soul Brother John has an English accent but also because instead saying someone had an argument they say "he and I had a row." A row? Outside of British TV shows I've never heard the word row used for argument.

Wong goes to see Mr. Bigshot in the pretense of taking him up on his job offer. Bigshot shows Wong his safe full of drugs and Wong says he has to go. Its then that Bigshot wises up to Wong and says "I know you didn't come here for a job! Do you think I'm stupid." I can't speak for Wong but I sure do. You show the guy enough smack to get a small country high as soon as he walks in? This dude is criminal mastermind?

But then, Wong isn't too smart either. He says no one in Bigshot's house can stop him from leaving. Um, Wong...didja notice there's like 100 guys in there? You might be a bad-ass, but uh, there's 100 guys in there....*

THE FINAL JUDGMENT: Its always a pleasure watching a flick like this. It had me rolling on the floor while it was playing. Thankfully this is one of those cases where a movie was so bad it was fun to watch. The demons of the inferno all raise their pitchforks in a hearty chuckle. If the picture were just a little better it may have gotten a full five devil heads!

*back in my college days I got in a fight at a frat party. Foolishly I told my opponent that me and my best friend could take all of his punk ass frat brothers on. (I was drunk as hell) Bad move. Ten seconds later my buddy and I were being chased down the street by about 40 dudes. We got away unharmed but I learned a lesson about letting my mouth write checks my ass couldn't cover.