Split Second

THE STORY: I rented this movie years ago and I finished watching it with that feeling that I had just not 'gotten it". Well, to be honest, I still don't get it. Its a pretty strange movie.

In the year 2008, global warming has gotten bad enough that London is pretty much flooded. There's at least 3 or 4 inches of water on the ground and the sky is continuously dark. In this world we find policeman Harley Stone. Stone is supposedly a great cop, but he's nuts. He kind of lost it after his partner, Foster MacNeil was killed by a mysterious beast. his mental condition may also have something to do with the fact that he was fooling around with Foster's wife, Michelle. Stone is under suspension when we first meet him, but soon after the chief lifts his suspension. I don't know why. after all, Stone is acting crazy and conducting an unauthorized investigation at a nightclub....when someone gets murdered. I don't see how that earns Stone a chance to get out of his suspension. I guess the cops are more lenient in London...or maybe they're just that way in 2008.

Stone is still trying to catch the killer years later. He's been living on a constant diet of coffee and chocolate and has a bad attitude. He's definitely wired for sound. In order to reign him in a bit, the police chief assigns detective Dick Durkins as his partner.

At first Durkins and stone don't get along very well. Durkins is a by the book guy and Stone is well, kinda loopy. but that doesn't really matter. Its a cop movie, so there's always going to be a guy that all crazy and [unwrite] and his partner that's a straight up kind guy.

The murderer has a thing about hearts. It rips the hearts out of its victims and eats them. No one knows who or what it is. But Stone has some kind of weird-ass-vaguely-explained psychic connection with the monster. He seems to know when it kills and where. This perplexes Durkins, naturally. To add a little romance in the equation (and I mean a little.) Michelle shows up and starts staying with Stone in his place. Y'know, Foster must have been a real dick because neither she nor Stone seem to feel guilty about having an affair or continuing it. Even though the main thrust for Stone's motivation in this whole thing seems to be the death of Foster. Cold blooded guy.

This movie gets kind of talky and boring by the middle. there are a few gunfights where the monster is screwing around and making random attacks near Stone or leaving him messages. Eventually Durkins theorizes some bull[unwrite] that the symbol the monster leaves written in blood is the sign for "Scorpio" and that 2008 is the year of the rat and the monster has rat DNA and somehow this boils down to...now get this...the monster is THE DEVIL! (Right) This comes just in time for the creature to kidnap Michelle and spirit her away to his underworld (or abandoned subway station.) much like Persephone. Durkins and Stone figure out where the creature lives and go to rescue her.

You know, this blows Durkins "Devil" theory away because if the monster is supposed to be the Devil then Old Nick is pretty [unwrite]ing easy to beat. A few gunshots and grenades, and he's weakened. Then Stone electrocutes him and pulls his heart out with his bare hands! Thus slain, the creature is no more. The good guys return to the surface and are last scene riding a speed boat down the Thames.

I personally couldn't tell if this movie was supposed to be serious or a comedy of some sorts. Which means if it was supposed to be a comedy it wasn't very funny at all. I'm kind of pissed too. I'd like a better explanation of what the monster was. Now, it would be cool to have a movie without a bull[unwrite] explanation of who and what the mysterious supernatural killer is, but this ain't it. To make it even harder to figure out, WHY was the creature so easy to destroy? Yeah, it was a little dangerous for Stone and Durkins but if they had bought two more guys with them it would have been a cake walk. So the devil can be beaten by two guys with guns and a woman? Rejoice world! I still can't get over the fact that stone and Michelle don't feel to badly about Foster.

Michelle was the actress Kim Catrall. You may have seen her in Big Trouble in Little China, the awful movie Mannequin, and Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country. Rutger Hauer was Stone. We all know Hauer from his part in Blade Runner as the psycho replicant Roy Batty. Hauer's been in a few movies that the Inferno has judged, like Blind Fury and the thrice damned Omega Doom.

Best Lines: "You'd be paranoid too if you had a dip[unwrite] like this following you!!"- Stone objects to having Durkins follow him as per the chief's order.

"You get laid every night and you run five miles every morning?"- Stone doesn't believe that Durkins has such great stamina.

"Him? That wasn't a him, that was a [unwrite]ing IT! We've got to get bigger guns!"-Durkin is shaken after his first encounter with the killer.

"Well, Satan is in deep [unwrite]!"-Stone's reply to Durkin guessing that the monster may be the Lord of Darkness himself.

1.) Stone fires just over Durkin's shoulder at a rat. But the gun is only inches away from Durkin's face. Isn't there a muzzle flash or something. I mean even if Stone wasn't aiming at Durkin's head wouldn't Durkins get some powder burns? Wouldn't Stone get a punch in the face for even pointing a gun that close to Durkin's head?

2.) The long scars on Stone's arm from a previous encounter with the creature look more like grooves in clay. What is this guy, Gumby's big brother? A guest on celebrity death match?

3.) After Stone and Durkin blast away at the killer in the morgue I had to wonder if the entire police station is soundproofed? Guns make a loud noise. Their guns certainly did. The morgue is, it seems part of the police station. Didn't the other cops hear all of that noise? How come a whole gaggle of them weren't rushing down there?

4.) Along the same gunfire logic that didn't give Durkins any injuries, Stone has the monster's heart in his hand and uses his mega big pistol to blow it apart. Um, wouldn't that hurt your hand? I mean, after all, its a fig bucking gun and even a near miss would probably cost him some fingers. Didn't he feel that?

5.) While Stone is under suspension and he's conducting his unauthorized investigation at the nightclub he gets in by flashing his police credentials. Okay, I can buy that he may have had his own personal weapons (which means London is an NRA guy's dream in 2008) but if he's under suspension how's he produce any police credentials? Don't the cops confiscate your badge or anything in that kind of situation? What kind of sense does that make, to let this guy waltz around with a badge if he's under suspension for being a nutcase? No wonder the world is going into the toilet in 2008!

NUDITY AND SEX: Kim Catrall flashes her boobies twice.

HUH?: What the [unwrite]ing hell is up with "Knights in White Satin"? That's the background music through this entire movie! I like the song but now it'll be on my damn mind all week. to make it worse it was snowing when I was watching this so I kept hearing the song in my head and watching the snow fall among the trees outside. What a distraction! It was worse than my cats!

Durkins tells Michelle to swing towards him while she's hanging by her arms in the monster's lair. she says "Swing?" as if its a word she's never heard before. Stone even has to tell her how to do it. Are they sure the monster eats hearts and not brains. That seemed like a pretty straightforward command. Why does Michelle not grasp the concept of swinging?

To destroy the monster stone pushes his hand into its chest and pulls its heart out. when did Stone get this power or is the monster's body extremely fragile?

THE TALLY: While I can't say this movie completely sucked I can say I didn't like it. But while the flames of the Inferno are licking its behind, it will not be cast into the pit! Instead I'll just say that it seemed like someone had an idea for a monster movie and didn't finish writing the script. I wouldn't seek it out unless you're hard up for a monster flick.