STAR KNIGHT
THE STORY: Someone plucked a turd right out of Satan's own toilet to produce this sorry-ass movie. Its terrible. I don't mean terrible in a good, fun to laugh at way either. I mean terrible in a "Please God, Make it END!" way!
Now, the writing on the video box will make you think that its at least a decent movie, but oh no, its a mind numbingly bad movie. It stars Harvey Keitel so you may be fooled into thinking its a good movie because of his presence...trust me...Mr. Keitel will most likely punch you in the face if you mention this embarrassment to him.
In Medieval Spain, Bothius, an alchemist serves the Count whoever-the-[unwrite]. He prays for divine help in finding the "secret of secrets", and right after he does a UFO lands nearby. The count's daughter, Alba, is abducted by the alien in the UFO. She falls in love with him. Everyone thinks a dragon has captured Alba. Alba returns to the castle, but longs to be with the alien. Klever, (Keitel) a warrior employed by the count swears to destroy the dragon. The alien, who has NO LINES falls in love with Alba and comes to the castle after her. He defeats Klever and steals Alba away back to his ship...well, he doesn't steal Alba since she wanted to go with him. Klever and Friar Lupo go to destroy the 'dragon'. Klever manages to steal the spacesuit "armor" of the alien. Don't ask me how...he touches the alien and suddenly he's in the space suit. The alien almost dies in Earth's atmosphere but Bothius manages to save his life with "Liquid gold". Klever and Friar Lupo become trapped in the spacecraft as it takes off. Stranded on earth the Alien returns to the castle with Alba and is hailed as great knight.
Ok, thats really all you need to know about this peice of horse[unwrite]. I try not to be vindictive about movies when they are bad, but this movie sucked and I had to watch it twice. Both times it seemed like it was 6 hours long. Its horrible and I am forming a deep hatred of anyone who had anything to do with it. Now this flick was made in the mid-eighties, but not released on video until 1993...my guess is that if Harvey Keitel had never made a name for himself in other movies, this flick would have never again seen the light of day! The worst part is that with a decent script it could have been a good b-movie! AAARGH.
BEST LINES: "Touch not the most beautiful Alba, Damn you!"- Klever when he finds the Alien with Alba in the castle. Keitel sounds so ridiculous trying to sound medeival.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:
1.) Harvey Keitel just plain sucks trying to sound like a medievel guy. No matter what he says he sounds like a guy from New York trying to speak like Shakespeare. You know why Keitel is always playing mob guys and criminals and the like? BECAUSE HE CAN'T ACT ANY DIFFERENT! (No, thats unfair...but one thing is certain...Keitel sound stupid in this role)
2.) Bothius just wanders into the alien ship? What! God this movie sucks.
3.) What the hell is Bothius talking about? How can he, an alchemist in medieval europe even begin to explain ANYTHING about this alien and his ship? This movie is worse that I could have imagined!
4.) The scene where Klever (Keitel) thinks the alien is a demon and tries to exorcise it is slightly amusing. But it can't save this dog of a film..
5.) This alien is a wuss! He looks like one of those eighties kinda effeminate singers like from A-ha or Spandau Ballet or something. (Not that they are bad bands...but you'll really hate this alien. Trust me.) UGH...you will want to kill this guy.
6.) While watching this movie I mentally compared it to the Dr. Who episode, "The Mask of Mandragora". Now, Dr. Who isn't known for its stellar special effects, but compared to this movie they're pretty good. Both movies involve aliens in medieval europe, sinister nobles plotting for power and will take about 90 minutes of your time to watch. Pick Dr. Who before you pick this one. Its way better.
NUDITY AND SEX: none
HUH?: How come Alba doesn't find this alien terrifying? He abducted her. He communicates with his mind. She can't possibly understand any of the things she see in his ship! This is the middle ages! These people beleived in BASILISKS* for God's Sake!
By touching the alien's faceplate Klever transfers the armor onto himself? Get the [unwrite] outta here! They don't even try to explain this! Plus the alien clutches at his heart when this happens...so he's an alien that has a heart where a human heart is too. Please, Lord, make this movie end.
I don't even know how Bothius saves the alien's life at the end...I don't care. I hate this movie. It sucks worse than I thought. Only the Doom Generation can top this in sheer awfulness. A pox upon the makers of this film!
THE TALLY: Somewhere in Hell theres a theater showing this trash movie over and over again! I'll have a hard time forgiving Keitel for this. I suppose some intrepid souls may be able to get a few good jokes out of this but I doubt it. I'm happy to slam this film with a bigass tombstone in the hopes that it will shrivel up and never again plague mankind with its mediocrity.
*A basilisk is a mythical creature thats half chicken, half lizard. Its supposed to be so hideous that its stare can kill you. My point is that people in the middle ages believed in all kinds of whacko [unwrite]. If you went back in time with a sony walkman they'd burn you as a witch...so how can Alba not be terrified, let alone fall in love with a telepathic non-speaking, weirdass alien!?