Steel Sharks

THE STORY: The navy SEALs are one of the best fighting teams on the freaking planet. That's not in dispute. Even the enemies of America have to admit that the SEALs are probably the most elite team of warriors to exist. Even us Army guys have to admit that they're some bad Mike Foxtrots. Why is it then that very few movies featuring a SEAL team are that good?

Some middle east types (Iranians, I believe) kidnap a super genius guy named Van Taffel. Van Taffel is a brainiac at chemical warfare and the US fears that they'll put his knowledge to use to create mega-bad chemical weapons. Not wanting a direct confrontation the department of defense has to ask itself...who ya gonna call? Not the Ghostbusters but the Navy SEALs. Or more precisely, the SEAL team called the Steel Sharks. The Steel Sharks are to go get Van Taffel and bring him back alive.

The Steel Sharks are led by Lt. Commander Zamborski. The mission itself is commanded by Admiral Perry. The Sharks get in behind enemy lines by hitching a ride on the submarine Oakland, commanded by Captain McKay. McKay and Zamborski are old friend. As a matter of fact, McKay talks about being in Vietnam with Zamborski, even though neither of them look old enough to have been in Vietnam. (I'm not sure when this was made but I'm kind of sure it was in the mid to late 90's)

The mission goes off fine until the sharks try to make it back to their pickup point. they are overwhelmed by enemy forces and have to surrender. Then in an incredibly stupid move, the Iranians hand the sharks over to the Russians, who have a sub in the area. McKay keeps close to the Russian sub, hoping to rescue the Sharks. The Russian commander is a real jerk. He's also kind of crazy. He doesn't seem to care about anything but shooting Americans and he has Zamborski killed. The other SEALs and Van Taffel then decide to plan an escape using the "forward escape trunk" or some such. Hey, I'm not Captain Nemo, I don't know jack [unwrite] about submarines...unless its of the hoagie variety.

Anyhoo, the Sharks encounter slight resistance in their escape plan. I say slight because you'd think that escaping from an enemy submarine that's underwater would be hard. Nope. the Steel Sharks make it look like a video game in a way. "Oh, there's some bad guys! Shoot 'em"! and "sneak up and break his neck" type stuff. I'd go into more detail, but I'm sure you  get the point.

The Russian commander also fires on McKay's sub, and McKay outsmarts him real easy-like....a few times. More than you'd think is really possible. I'm also sure you can imagine that the Steel Sharks and Van Taffel escape the Russian sub just in time for Captain McKay to blow it to itty bitty bits. I don't know anything about diving either, but the Steel Sharks seem to be immune to the bends. Plus, Van Taffel is a bookwormy scientist! How come he's alright after this escape? What does he know about diving, let alone swimming out of a submarine that's several hundred feet under water? (Um...isn't there a thing about water pressure crushing guys?)

Folks, if you want a good military action movie, there are plenty of other choices. The biggest problem with Steel Sharks is that none of the characters are that interesting and there's very little suspense or tension in it. Add to that and you can tell that they used the same sets over and over again as the submarine hallway. Its a shame because Captain McKay had a chance of being interesting, but only because of the acting of Garey Busey. Admiral Perry was Mr. Colt 45, Billy Dee "Lando Calrissian" Williams. (what's with the Dee? its not an initial.) I saw Billy Dee on Broadway while I was in High School in the play "Fences." A stagehand took my notebook and said he'd get Billy Dee to sign it. I never got it back. Hey, Billy Dee....where's my [unwrite]ing notebook? It had my English homework in it!

Best Lines: "Ever own a camaro?"- Captain McKay asks his XO a question, a question that leads to his Captain Kirk like strategies.

1.) While the Steel Sharks are preparing for their mission they have the sleeves of their BDU's (Battle Dress Uniform---y'know, the camo stuff like us ARMY guys wear) rolled wrong for the Navy. The Navy and the Marines roll their sleeves inside out.

2.) Strange...Garey Busey asks his sonar guy if he detects anything in the manner that would suggest that if the guy had detected anything he wouldn't have said so until addressed. Um, I think a sonar guy on a submarine has the job of TELLING the captain if he detects anything. At the moment. Not just when he's asked. Methinks the entire reason for this is merely exposition. As a matter of fact, the Captain goes into a lot of detail about the abilities of enemies subs in the area to the first officer. Now this is information that the first officer should know. To borrow a term from Phil Farrand and the Star Trek Nitpickers, in other words, the first Officer is playing the cabbagehead. He's there so the captain can explain things to him that he should know....but we, as the audience won't but need to know. This wouldn't be so bad, but the way the captain gives this information is so gratuitous, that even when you're in Full-Movie-Suspending-Disbelief-and-Ignoring-Reality mode (hereafter called FMSDaIR mode, just 'cuz I wanted to make up an acronym) you can't help but notice that's why its gratuitous. I guess we can blame the director and probably Garey Busey for that.

3.) And what's up with Garey Busey? I never really had anything against him. I don't know, or care to know that much about him. Well, I'll admit that back in the 80's when he was in the news about not wanting a motorcycle helmet law, and then bashed his head, I kind of thought he was retard, but I liked him in Lethal Weapon. But alluva sudden he started cropping up in low budget flicks and ALWAYS as some meanass Badass dude. Busey looks like a moderately fat guy, just like he did in Under Siege. What is with people putting Garey's fat gut in a tight navy uniform? When you add that to the fact that usually he's a villain (not in this flick) it makes him almost laughable. Trust me....I could kick Garey Busey's ass and I'm no tough guy. (But I am fast, mean and I fight dirty.)

4.) The SEALS surrender? What? I can't believe that. Now I know that you never surrender your men unless you have no means of resisting, and the SEALs are out of ammo....but still...they're SEALs! I'm not in the navy, I'm not a seal, I'm just a regular army NCO, but I can say right now, that in a situation like that LETHAL force should be an priority. In other words, the minute the SEALs cleared the building some attack planes should have been ready to cover them. Also SEALs are supposed to be some of the baddest, meanest, toughest and best armed troops in the military. They should have been able to kill all of those guys chasing them!

5.) The Russian submarine commander orders an attack on the USS Oakland. The military advisor argues with him about it because its an act of war. Wow. Are the Russian military commanders that cocky? Military commanders don't declare war....governments do. The Russian commander's decision to attack is illegal. But none of the crew argue about it. If I was ordered to fire on soldiers that haven't actually attacked us or done anything I'd have to refuse that order. Maybe its not like that in the Russian military, but knowingly obeying an illegal order makes you an accomplice!

6.) This movie would hold a little more tension if the Russian commander wasn't a total [unwrite]ing idiot. McKay outsmarts him at every move. the Russians fire on Mockery's sub several times and miss EVERY single time because McKay moves out of the way! Oh, come the hell on! Russian torpedoes must suck big time! Its hard to feel any suspense when the good guys are so good you don't feel they're in any danger at all.

NUDITY AND SEX: None.

HUH?: Invoking the powers of movie heroes, the Steel Sharks are able to hide behind what looks like cardboard boxes while under fire. Amazingly no bullets can penetrate the boxes and hit them....even though one of the seals fires at an enemy that is behind a bunch of steel drums and smokes him! Are cardboard boxes stronger than metal in the middle east?

How long did the team have to concoct those little weapons in the Russian galley? I mean, the russkies know they're on the loose and have every swinging dick searching for them. How'd they get the time to make homemade bombs out of grease and stuff? Is this sub under manned or something? Are Russian sailors just stupid?

At the end of the movie, Captain McKay's uniform has the rank of a commander on it. Now, I didn't bother to note whether or not that was the rank on his uniform during the movie, and I know the commander of a ship is referred to as "captain" whether that's his or her true rank, but the ending credits have him listed as Commander McKay....they also have Zamborski listed as "Lt. Zamborski" even though he introduced himself to Captain McKay as "Lieutenant Commander Zamborski". It looks as if the makers of the movie either screwed up or just threw naval ranks around with little to no research....as always. Why can't they get a simple thing like that right in these movies?

Also at the end when everyone takes a moment to remember the men who died and removes their hats, Admiral Perry's aid doesn't remove hers. I don't know why. I just found it a little weird and disrespectful. Is there a naval rule that female officer shouldn't remove their hats?

THE TALLY: The Steel Sharks need a little more teeth in them to be a good movie, but it can be used as a mild diversion....oh, no it can't. I'm lying. If you've got time to waste rent it. But keep in mind, you could always rent something better if you've got a thing for SEALs. Rent GI Jane. At least its got Demi Moore and even with her head shaved she's got a rockin' bod.