THE STORY: Good Lord, this movie was boring. It was bad, too.

Rick Postley, Laura Dyson and Harry Reinhardt are scientists studying the ice caps. They have a minisub called MARVYN that's piggybacking a ride to the north pole or whatever on the naval submarine the USS Portland. The Portland is commanded by Commander Kirsch. They set sail. Then for some time nothing interesting happens.

The Portland encounters a Russian sub under the ice whole the scientists are conducting their experiments with MARVYN. MARVYN uses an experimental device called the "Profiler". This thing uses some kind of super sonar to measure the ice. The profiler also screws up the regular sonar submarines when its in operation. This causes the Russian sub to collide with the Portland. The Russian sub explodes, and the Portland is badly damaged. It hits the ocean floor, well beyond its ultimate "crush depth." The crew have to seal themselves in the rear of the ship because of a poison gas leak. The scientists in MARVYN manage to board the Portland, clear the gas out and since the crew is trapped, they decide to send Harry for help in MARVYN. Then nothing interesting happens for another period of time.

MARVYN explodes, mainly because it has to in order to make the situation look more dire. Then for what seems like hours nothing interesting happens.

Laura and Postley manage to communicate with the crew. The sailors are all running out of air and dying. Commander Kirsch sacrifices his life to fix the Portland's reactor. With power, Postley and Laura drive the sub to the surface and break through the ice, thus saving the crew.

In total...NOTHING INTERESTING HAPPENED! This movie felt like it took all day to watch. Stephen Baldwin was Postley so I should have known.

Best Lines: "I know ice! I'll find a hole!"- Harry's plan is to find a hole in the ice and signal for help. I can't even think about that line and keep a straight face.

1.) It didn't take too long for me to develop a healthy dislike for Postley. He's a punk and an asshole. I say that because he's one of those guys that obviously believes the military is made up of a bunch of warmongering Neanderthals and that it oughtta be mothballed. You know what, Mr. Postley? No one sane likes war....especially servicemen and women because they have to bear the brunt and effects of it firsthand. But its a dangerous world out there filled with dangerous people. So Mr. Postley, don't knock the military for fighting wars without trying to remember the men and women that sacrifice, suffer and die in them do so you don't have to get your lily white hands dirty. (Sorry for the rant...after serving in the military for a long time I've come to respect a great many of the people I work with)

2.) The sub sure is kind of fragile. I don't know anything about submarines but the USS Portland seems to completely break down from the accidental bump it had with the Russian sub. Of course that means that Russian subs are even crapper. The Russian sub blew up!

3.) Harry may know a lot about ice but I don't. I only know that it sucks when the roads are covered with it, but it sure goes great with a tall glass of coke or a stiff drink. But since Harry is a scientist of ice (Iceology?) I thought he might know more about submarines. After all he designed this "Profiler" sonar thing to scan the ice from below the seas. I'd imagine he'd know a little about submarines since the device needs to be on a submarine! But he didn't know enough to notice MARVYN was leaking.

4.) Whoever wrote this movie must really hate the military. When Laura arrives at the naval base the MP won't let her on the post until she shows some picture ID. Laura is having trouble finding hers. She says something about why should she need to show the MP a driver's license in order to board a submarine. The scene is designed to make it look like the MP is being an asshole. Grrrrr. It pissed me off. First, Laura should know she's not getting on the base with the proper ID so what's she bitching about? Its a military base! This isn't bureaucratic red tape, its security!! Secondly, who did write this sorry ass movie? Why do they have such disdain for the military? I shouldn't let it bother me....because this movie sucks dead donkey dick.

NUDITY AND SEX: none

HUH?: How do the sailors trapped in the rear of the sub know that "they made it"? For all they know the sub could be sinking again.

Up until the end of this movie Postley and Laura have had a purely professional relationship. Why is it that at the end of all of these "We're in Danger" flicks the girl always falls for the guy no matter what a jerk he may really be?

Wouldn't the Russians send someone to find out what happened to their submarine?

THE TALLY: I was going to give this movie one devil head. It truly doesn't deserve more, but since it starred Stephen Baldwin it was already at a one devil head deficit. Guess where that leaves it?

For inducing boredom far beyond the call of duty and generally pissing off the demons of the Inferno, this movie is doomed to forever sail beneath the River Styx where it shall spend eternity floating with the feces of the damned! May demons always light their farts in its face!