The Suckling
"Mommy's little darling is becoming Mommy's little mutant terror! Yes, trapped in a bordello, Mommy and Daddy must try to survive their wayward offspring! If you're looking for action and suspense see THE SUCKLING!"- The preview before the movie even started tried to scare the [unwrite] out of me (failing miserably) but it did tip me off...this movie is going to be bad.
THE STORY: This is the kind of movie that this site is about...its bad. Its really bad...but its so badly done it was fun to see. Anyone who had anything to do with the making of this film should be ashamed of themselves. Oh, and dig this...its supposed based on a true story from 1973. In Brooklyn. Right!
Phil, a pretty slimey college guy gets his pregnant girlfriend, Rebecca to go to a bordello/illegal abortion clinic run by 'Big Mama'. (I'm not even certain her name was Rebecca, but we'll use that) Rebecca doesn't want an abortion and says she only came there to placate Phil but Big Mama drugs her and gives her the abortion. The fetus is flushed down the toilet where it comes into contact with Toxic Waste. This turns it into a monster that somehow encases the house in goo and uses the pipes to move around inside. Sherman, one of Big Mama's thugs, tries his best to get everyone out of the house, but Axel, another thug, just causes trouble. The other prostitutes are just there to be killed so they don't matter. Axel kills one of them himself. In true B-movie monster fashion the beast kills everyone else in the place except for Rebecca. Just when it has Rebecca cornered it run towards her and transforms back into a fetus, crawling inside of her womb. Rebecca ends up in a psychoward. Two orderlies try to rape her and the Suckling kills them. maybe that wasn't Rebecca in the psychoward but some other chick...it gets confusing. (it didn't look like the same actress...and I use the term 'actress' figuratively) Rent it and you'll see what I mean.
If that sounds whacky to you, you must see this film! Theres so much bad acting, bad dialogue and bad directing that its almost beyond belief! I'm convinced that some right wing anti-abortionist organization must have funded it. None of the characters are sympathetic at all...you won't give a rats ass about them. They're all whores, thugs, scumbags or just plain stupid. You can't even feel bad for Rebecca...
BEST LINES: "If I was gonna kill someone you'd be at the top of my list!"-Candy, a whore to Axel.
"You wouldn't know bull[unwrite] if you were standing under a bull!" -Candy to Axel again.
"You got your luck, Penis-Brain! You're locked in a whorehouse for life!" Candy to a customer trapped in the bordello. Candy did have the best lines.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:
1.) Hey! Its Danny Devito...oh, its just a really short guy dressed as a doctor...and he can't act!
2.) This whorehouse looks pretty dilapidated...why would anyone even think of going there? Especially for an abortion, illegal or not!? Rebecca certainly doesn't look like the type to be caught dead in such a place.
3.) Okay, this needs to be said! If Rebecca doesn't want an abortion why does she even go to the bordello with Phil? Whats the point in that? She wants to have the baby but she's willing to go to an illegal abortion clinic in a whorehouse no less, to discuss it with the person doing the abortions? People that stupid shouldn't be allowed to pollute the gene pool anyway. Plus, how smart can Big Mama or Phil be? Phil takes her there so in a way he's liable for the fact that Big Mama DRUGS Rebecca and does the abortion even after Rebecca says she doesn't want an abortion! If there was no monster Rebecca could have everyone thrown in jail, go on Oprah, Jerry Springer and Sally! and write a book
4.) Big Mama must have to take sky-dumps. Her toilet seat must have a sharp Ginsu-edge. The suckling's tendril comes out of the toilet wraps around Bertha's neck and slams her head into the toilet. The next moment and she's headless...now the tendril doesn't look sharp...so the seat must have a razor edge to cut her head off!
5.) Manoman, this movie is bad. Axel is the official BDJ (Big Dumb Jerk) for this movie.
6.) Axel calls Phil "College Boy" a lot. I hope he's wrong. It looks bad for the American college system if an imbecile like Phil got into college!
NUDITY AND SEX: None. Suprising since the movie occurs in a WHOREHOUSE!
HUH?: How in the name of Charlotte's Web did the Suckling cover an entire house with this goo?
Once trapped inside by the Suckling's goo/web/shell the people wonder why there aren't more tools other than a hammer and a screwdriver to help them escape. Someone even suggests finding a sledgehammer. Where the hell do they think they are? Its a whorehouse not Home Depot!
Speaking of tools, these guys are stupid. They get one poor slob to try and dig a way out with a hammer and a screwdriver when no other tools show up. Why not break some furniture apart, give everyone a piece and start banging away? One scared horny guy with a hammer and screwdriver ain't gonna do much, but about six or seven people with blunt objects may have a chance. Oh, but that would take, like, COMMON SENSE!
Phil has an idea for a battering ram and says "You must have some weights in here!" Its a whorehouse, not Bally's Gym! (But of course they do have weights...sigh)
How does the Suckling move through the pipes? Its pretty [unwrite]ing big...well, according to Axel its "Person sized". It must have the power of Reed Richards* because I don't know how it got through the pipes.
What is it with the wierd stop motion claymation tendril scene and the severed hand scene?
Dialogue indicates that they've been trapped in this whorehouse for more than a day at one point. WHAT? So no one noticed the local whorehouse is encased in a mutant slime shell for 24 hours? No one in there is missed at all? Its a whorehouse! No one came for a blowjob and noticed the trouble for more than 24 hours!?
THE TALLY: As I said, this is the type of movie that makes this site worthwhile. It sucked...oh, yes, indeedy it did! But it was hilariously bad. Dig this, after the movie theres some weirdass scene during the credits...this flick was obviously an amatuer attempt at a movie but if you're looking for a cheesey movie to rip on, put this on your list. I would like to point out that I score movies on how much enjoyment I got out of watching them as well as how well they were made....so even though this movie was done on some kid's allowance it gets 4 devil heads 'cuz watching it was a hoot! Get a few friends, a pizza and some brewskis and this movie will fuel enough jokes for the rest of the night.
* Reed Richards is a comic book character, also called "Mister Fantastic", Leader of the Fantastic Four. He can stretch his body into any shape like rubber.