The Sword and The Sorcerer

Starring: Lee Horseley, Kathleen Beller, Richard Lynch, Richard Moll    Directed by: Albert Pyun!

Written by: Tim Karnowski, Albert Pyun

Welcome! This is one of the first REVISITED films in the Infernal Archives. Greywizard notified me earlier that the link to the original review was broken. I looked up my old saves and decided to add a few new comments and screen caps while repairing the link. Its essentially the same review as before, only with a few new snippets added.

THE STORY:  You wanna know what the most amazing fact about this movie is? Its not that its an Albert Pyun movie and that I didn't run screaming from from the room when I viewed it...but that's its an Albert Pyun Movie and I requested it! Many thanks to the Wise and Powerful Greywizard, Lord of the Unknown Movies for sending it to me.

Now I've seen this movie before waaaaaay back when I was young man and I thought it was pretty cool. Back then in the early 80's sword and sorcery movies were all the rage. My aunt Peggy even watched this movie with me once and commented on Lee Horseley's character, Talon, that he was "One handsome man!". I have to admit that its not a bad adventure flick. Even Greywizard called it "Albert Pyun's one decent Movie".

The Evil King Cromwell enlists the aid of a sorcerer named Xusia so that he can defeat the good King Richard and conquer the kingdom of Eh-dan. In order to do this he has a witch raise the evil Xusia from the grave. Xusia should have watched more movies...if he did he'd know that Cromwell would kill him once he got what he wanted. After Cromwell defeats Richard's armies (which we don't see, but are told by a helpful narrator) he moves in for the kill and dispatches Xusia, before the wizard becomes too powerful for him to contain.

King Richard (oooh boy) tries to get his wife and young son, Talon to safety before Cromwell comes a calling but ultimately fails. Talon escapes but only after witnessing Cromwell murdering his mother. Oh, and Talon comes into possession of a tri-bladed sword that can fire its two outward blades at targets! (I guess it was Richards.) Anyway, Cromwell seizes the kingdom and does evil things for 11 years. But he's always on the lookout for Xusia, who he is sure isn't really dead and wants revenge for his betrayal.

Reenter Talon, Now a grown man and a general of a mercenary army. Talon and his band are on their way to another kingdom, but stop by in Eh-Dan so Talon can "repay a debt.". Guess what the debt is? Come on, guess...

In Eh-Dan, Princess Alana and Prince Micah are planning a rebellion against Cromwell. Since the original royal family was butchered by Cromwell the populace sees them as the rightful heirs to the throne. Cromwell's War minister, Machelli, aids the rebels in their cause, but in truth he's setting them up. He allows Micah to be captured and Alana barely escapes. Actually she doesn't really escape, Cromwell's thugs catch her and she's rescued by Talon who just happened to be wandering around nearby. Alana asks Talon to help rescue her brother from Cromwell and he accepts the mission....for the payment of one night in bed with her. Dude, I wish I asked for that the time I saved this girls brother from being beaten up in a bar. I got my ass kicked and all I got was a "thanks, man." and a ride to the Emergency Room.

Talon attempts the rescue but soon finds he is outnumbered. Still he almost beats Cromwell in one to one combat, but Machelli sneaks up on him and knocks him out. Luckily before this happens he frees Micah from the dungeon and he is spirited to safety. Talon however finds himself to be crucified at Cromwell's wedding. Yes, Cromwell has captured Alana and forces her to marry him. (Why do the villains in these movies always want to marry the hot chick that hates them the most in all the universe?) Finding that Talon is held prisoner at the castle, his men and a group of sailors in the same brothel, decide to go rescue Talon. Apparently EVERYONE in this movie owes Talon a favor or a kingdom or something. But they're captured easily...and I mean so easily we don't even see it. A former concubine of Cromwell's offers to lead them into the castle and next thing we know they're all locked up in the dungeon and the executioner kills the concubine. Alana is told that if she marries Cromwell, he'll spare Micah's life. (I guess she doesn't realize that Micah has actually been freed.) Kings from neighboring empires attend the wedding, and Talon is the main decoration, since he's being crucified right in front of the assembled crowd. Here's where we get some truly hilarious dialogue where one of the kings recognizes Talon and tells another that they must save him from Cromwell because "They owe Talon their very kingdoms!". Geez, this guy saved everyone at some point or another. You'd think that if Cromwell had any brains he'd realize crucifying a guy that every other power in the region recognizes as a hero at your wedding is probably a bad idea.

Because there's no other way to get Talon's friends out of the dungeons Cromwell's other concubines betray him and free them. Meanwhile, Machelli has a plot to kill Cromwell at the wedding and take over the kingdom himself. And meanwhile Talon FREES himself from the crucifixion just as everyone decides to attack. Cromwell flees the meelee with Alana in tow and Talon, now in possession of his mighty tri-sword gives chase to the depths of the castle. But before he gets there Machelli  arrives and spirits Alana away. In the gloomy bowels of the structure, Machelli reveals his secret. He is actually Xusia in disguise and he plans on killing Cromwell and taking over everything. Cromwell shows up and tries to kill Xusia, but Xusia's magic fingernails bring him to his knees. Then Talon shows up intent on killing Cromwell, but Xusia wants that pleasure for himself. Xusia tries to use his magic fingernails to kill Talon, but remember....Talon can fire the outward blades from his sword. He skewers Xusia and then he and Cromwell begin their fight to the finish. Talon wins, telling Cromwell who he really is before the villain expires. (There's also a big snake and Xusia gets his "bad guy gets one more chance at the hero" thing, but hey, Talon wins)

Micah is crowned king and Talon apparently gets his payment with the beautiful Alana. Then he and his band of merry men make off to a new adventure. The end credits warn us to watch for Talon's next adventure "Tales of the Ancient Empire". If such a movie was ever made I never heard of it. If anyone has the skinny on why or if it was made or not, let me know.

Lee Horsely was Talon. If you were old enough in the 80's you might have seen him on the TV show "Matt Houston" as the title character. Kathleen Beller (Alana) according to the IMDb might have been or is married to Thomas Dolby. I have no idea if that means the Rock star or not. If you know tell me, please. Xusia was played by Richard Moll, "Bull" from TV's Night Court. I actually hated that show and Moll kinda makes me sick. At least I got to seem get knifed in this movie.

Best Lines: "Oh, I can't wait to bed you, wench...you raise my expectations!"- Talon to the princess. Man, if only guys could talk to women like that nowadays.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) The kingdom of Eh-Dan? Eh-dan? Why not just call it Pair o' Dice or Yootoepya? We get it!

1a. Why did Xusia kill the witch that awakened him instead of the wormy dude that questioned his power? Cromwell's henchman says to Xusia "How do we know a toad like you even has the power to aid us?!" defiantly. Xusia then demonstrates his magic by killing the person that actually resurrected him, instead of the dumbass that asked the question. And it was a fairly dumb question. You just saw the dude come back to life from a coffin filled with blood with moving stone faces on it! I'd give a guy like that the benefit of the doubt when it comes to magic powers.

2.) That guy recovered pretty quick for a dude that just got kneed in the goody-sacks. Ever been kicked in the balls? Any guy that has will agree...its not something you just shake off in a few seconds. Hell, a good kick to the ol' jewels will have you seein' your life flash before you.

2a. This just occurred to me....its not a big nit, just a curiosity. The rebels are holed up in a cave on the outskirts of Eh-Dan. Cromwell's general tells them to come out and live or resist and die. Then he says "You have five minutes to decide."....Wait a second...this is a medieval fantasy movie...how does he know when five minutes are up? How would the rebels know? Its not like he has a stop watch or anything. Not even a sundial! (Not that it would help...its night time) I suppose he could use an hourglass, but I damn sure didn't see one. I just find it kind of funny.

3.) Not like I'm an expert a medieval social practices, and this movie is pure fantasy, but isn't it rather tasteless to have a guy being crucified at your own wedding? Man, Cromwell's a real dick.

4.) Hey, isn't that the guy from Murphy Brown as a tough as nails warrior dude?

5.) Yeah, that's some secret rebellion plan they got going there. Talon and his buddies just arrive and walk into a bar and the bartender offers them jobs as fighters in the "rebellion." Yep, that's a good way to keep Cromwell from finding out. Tell every stranger that waltzes in for a tankard of mead about it.

6.) At the end of the movie Talon throws Alana over his shoulder, grabs a drapery and swings from the balcony to a...ledge. What the hell? First I can't imagine any woman not being pretty pissed off about that. Secondly, as I said he swang...er...swung...to a ledge! How the hell did he plan on getting down from there!?

NUDITY AND SEX:  Cromwell's concubines are seen partially nude. Alana is almost in the nude once.

HUH?: 

Talon has bad luck with swords. In almost every fight his sword gets broken by his opponent. Damn cheap ass K-mart swords! See, my droogies...it always pays to get the best quality in edged weapons!

Speaking of swords its never explained whether or not Talon's sword is magical. It almost has to be since I can't see how it could otherwise fire the two extra blades like missiles. And after the blades are fired how does Talon get them back? Funny, when I saw this movie as a kid I thought that sword was bad-ass....mow I just chuckle at how ridiculous it really looks.

Here I was thinking that having giant ass nails pounded through the middle of your hands would make using them...well, painful and hard if not impossible. But not the mighty Talon! Damn, even Conan the barbarian was in pain and nearly dead after being crucified!

Does Talon have super-strength or something? While fighting Cromwell, he raises a rock over his body to protect himself from the villain's blade...but that rock has gotta weigh a few hundred pounds! Yet Talon holds it up as if its made of stryrofoam!

Where'd the big ass snake come from that wraps itself around Alana?

Cromwell might be evil, but you have to admit he's a take charge kind of guy. In past movie reviews I've often mentioned that the bad guy's henchmen seem to follow the leader even when its clear that the boss has absolutely no concern for their well being. But as far as villian's go, Cromwell has some balls. He knows he has to get rid of the powerful Xusia in the beginning, but he doesn't order his soldiers to do it...he (at least thinks he does) kills Xusia himself face to face! When his guards corner Talon and Talon says "Who dies first?" Cromwell walks in and says he'll fight him himself! And during their battle Cromwell almost kills Machelli for interceding! This is no chicken[unwrite] bad guy here! Cromwell kicks his own asses! He almost deserves to be king!

THE FINAL JUDGMENT: Greywizard was right. This is Abert's Pyun's one truly decent movie. If I had kids I'd let them watch it. Its fun to watch and the acting isn't all that bad. If you're into sword and sorcery movies this movie is one you oughtta look up. Its not as gritty as Conan the Barbarian and its better than Conan the Destroyer. For a Pyun flick that's saying something!