Starring: Laura Putney, Robert Merrill, Tara Price      Written by: Timothy Griffin, Peter Soby Jr.       Directed By: Paul Wynne

No One Can Hear It Sting!

The Story:

There aren't enough terrible things to say about this movie. It was completely horrible. There is not one second in it where you'll care about any of the characters or what's happening.....wait, let me change that....you'll care. You'll want them to die so this piece of horse manure movie will end. This flick is so bad I think it gave me the bends.

The end.

*sigh*....you want to know more, huh? You want to know how I suffered watching this? You want to know, do ya? Do ya?!!! The story is that some scientists (Jennifer, Scott and an old bastard named Philip) are transporting some samples of genetically altered scorpions from Australia to the US, with the heavy duty protection of one old husky dude named Fred. Yeah, that's right, this experiment is supposedly groundbreaking and high tech but they only have one fat middle aged guy to protect it. Well, Scott, who is the cliché "evil greedy guy that plans to steal the samples and make a bundle of cash selling them" screws up in his attempt to procure the samples aboard the flight to Los Angeles. The result is that the containers are accidentally opened, the scorpions magically grow to St. Bernard size and begin rampaging across the airplane. Add in the obligatory cannon fodder (read: Only there to die) characters and then the hunky hero with a tragic past (The plane's pilot, Captain Jack.) and you have the movie. Sort of. That's how you have the movie without the fantastically bad special effects, mind crushingly bad dialogue and poorer than piss characterizations.

Even if you're willing to suspend disbelief about the scorpions growing to immense size, the puppets used to show them attacking are ridiculous. Its hard to swallow that these big ass scorpions could move about the plane so easily without being noticed. Hell, its hard to believe that any airline would have a flight to LA in a jumbo jet with only about 10 passengers aboard. But don't worry....every establishing shot of the plane pretty much looked like a different airplane when it was shown. I don't know a friggin' thing about passenger planes, but I noticed that. I wish I didn't. It only made my head hurt....but not as much as the stomach churning characters. Not one of 'em will you care about. You'll be hoping that none of these people ever act again. You know one of the most maddening things about movies like this? When the characters don't even begin to act like normal people would in a similar circumstance. Its frustrating because when you notice that you really don't give a damn about them and you just wish you were watching something else. Like, why would the stewardess tell Jennifer about the death of Captain Jack's wife and sister in law? There no real reason for her to do so except just for the audience to know. You could even cut that whole thing out of the movie, since its only referenced one time after that...it wouldn't make a difference. Besides, how many people would tell a total stranger about the tragic past of a friend for no reason? Why would Scott attempt any tomfoolery with the containers in the cargo hold of a plane in flight? There's no way off of the plane with them. Why? Well, only so we can have the set up to release the monsters. Why don't the scorpions just overrun the passengers? Its said there are 20 of them (scorpions). They already have a numerical advantage! Yet they only pop up to kill the extraneous characters and the somehow hide and remain unseen. Didn't the people that wrote this ever fly? Do you know how cramped a passenger plane is? Imagine 20 St. Bernard's trying to hide on one. And when faced with an emergency of unknown nature on an inbound aircraft do you even remotely believe the FAA will send one specialist with two skanky, slacker type hacker guys? Or that they could tap into a spy satellite owned by the CIA? I don't even want to get started on the borderline racist portrayal of some of the minor characters. Omar's the black guy so he has to say stupid crap to sound "hip" and then there's the two middle eastern brothers that stowed away on the plane.....Jaffe and Sedam. Given the state of the world, Sedam (pronounced just like "Saddam") was a poor choice for a name in the first place. Man, I think I'm getting rickets on top of the bends just thinking about this ridiculous movie.

This movie is a total disaster. There's nothing worth seeing in it. I couldn't wait for it to end and when it did, even that was pretty bad. Riddle me this....if an aircraft makes an emergency landing wouldn't there be emergency vehicles racing to the runway?

Gaaaah! Now I've got Hives! Listen, my droogies, I watched this crap so you don't have to! Heed my warning and escape my fate! Stay away from this movie! I gotta call 911.....

Best Lines:  “I know you're an evil, scary man! No go...go away!” -Jaffe to Scott.

 Are you kidding me?

1.) Not five minutes into this turkey and Omar, the obligatory black guy starts up with the jive talk. You know, I'm a black guy, and I've known A LOT of black people....yet I have never met anyone even remotely as lame as some of the minority characters you see in cheap ass movies.

2.) Getting back to Omar, lets check out this line he says to Courtney. "You know you got some pretty titties for a karate girl!". Now, if you say that pick up line to a non-black belt havin' chick, she still will probably attempt to kick your ass. A chick with a black belt....you'd better be a Shaolin Master. 'Cuz unless she's a real slut, you ain't gettin' any off of those words.

3.) Wow. What scary monsters. Jennifer kills one by smackin' it in the noggin with a laptop. Stupid movie.

4.) There are about 10 different instances where Jaffe, Captain jack and Sedam could have easily overpowered Scott. You see, Scott's evil plans are found out and he pulls a gun on the others. Don't think this is exciting. If you've been unfortunate to see this frog turd, you'll note that Edith Bunker could have whooped his ass. Its frustrating because the thought of jumping Scott....who is standing too close to ALL THREE of them to use the gun effectively....doesn't seem to cross their minds. and before you say "Well, not many people would jump a guy with a gun", I'll say you're right. But  most people confronted with being on an airplane that's out of control and infested with 300 pound Scorpions would have little else to lose.

5.) So the scorpions seem to attack anyone without pause but the queen only pops into the contact to whack Captain Jack in the eyes and then hide again. And she blinds him by the way which seems to not bother him at all or even impair his ability to fly a passenger plane!

6.) Curtis Burnham, the FAA specialist.....and you won't buy that for a second when he comes on screen....gets in touch with a guy at the CIA to ask for a favor. He says right afterwards that they'll have to do it the hard way, meaning his favor has been denied, but if you watch the scene, he never asks his favor. Its not edited in a ay to give you the impression that he asked off camera. What a stupid flick.

Nudity and Sex: A quick glimpse of not very impressive boobies.

Huh?:

Anyone work in the air travel business. Please, email the Inferno and tell me this....an air bus in flight...do the doors open easily. I mean can any jerk on the flight just stroll up to the door and open it? Because if so, I might not fly ever again. Philips in an attempt to destroy the scorpions opens the door to the plane and sucks himself, one other unlucky bastard and many of the scorpions out into the air. I thought those doors would be secured in some fashion....the plane is in flight for Gagarin's sake!

I guess modern passenger planes are made of wood. Watch when Scott shoots the autopilot panel in the cockpit. The console is made of wood. Gawd, Stupid movie!

McCallen, who must be known as stock character #45B (The obnoxious businessman) complains after Jennifer kills a giant scorpion by whacking it with his laptop. Right. Listen, If a giant scorpion the size of a sofa barges in and I pick up your laptop and kill it before it kills us, and you complain about it...I'm killing you next.

When the plane finally lands in LA, the shot of it taxiing on the runway shows REAL pilots in the cockpit, not Courtney and Captain Jack like in the interior shots.

Scott puts the samples in a coffin....a Count Dracula via the 1800's, he died with his boots on, wooden coffin. In the plane's cargo hold. Man, the bends really hurt!

The Final Judgment: Man, its been awhile but the Infernal Hordes are prepared to open the gates to the Pit of Eternal Peril on this one....

For being the poster child of crappy movies, for being maddeningly dumb and for just plain pissing off the Inferno I now condemn the movie Tail Sting to the Unfriendly Skies of the Inferno, where it will forever sail in the gnat infested air  and be farted upon by giant man eating buzzards. STAY AWAY!