They

Starring: Laura Regan, Marc Blucas, Ethan Embry, Dagmara Dominczyk   Written by: Brendan Hood   Directed by: Robert Harmon

The Story:  I read a comment on the IMDb calling this movie "They SUCK". I have to agree.

Not that this movie had to suck. The premise isn't bad and to be honest, They wouldn't suck if they used the alternate ending available on the DVD. Julia Lund is a Graduate Student working on her masters in psychology. As a child Julia suffered from "Night terrors", and so did her childhood friend Billy. Now in his twenties, Billy is falling apart. He's certain that the monsters from his childhood nightmares are coming to get him as an adult. Julia thinks Sam just needs some serious psychiatric help, but since he's a close friend she tries to be supportive. She's so supportive that when Sam calls her late on Friday night during a thunderstorm, she rushes out to meet him in a coffee shop instead of doing the nasty with her boyfriend, Paul. Now that's a good friend, my droogies. If one of my buddies called me on a Friday night in the midst of the Beast With Two Backs they'd better be bleeding or offering a ridiculous amount of money. What Billy offers are delusional rantings. He tells Julia that "They" have marked him, her and other children in the past and are now coming to get them. The only thing that keeps They...or is it Them? at bay is light. Sam goes on to tell her that babies cry because they can see They...or is it Them? and that he can't go on facing this horror. Then h pulls out a pistol and blows his own head off.

And that's about it for the exciting bits for a long time. Julia is naturally upset about watching her friend commit suicide, and goes to the funeral where she meets some of Billy's friends. They are certain that Them...oops I mean, They...are coming for them. They have the same mark that Billy had....it looks like a little cold sore. But there's no explanation for why They are doing this, what They are and what They want coming, folks. Oh yeah, there are a few not-very-scary moments of suspense, and lots of supposedly interesting creepy talk. Julia sees her old child psychologist, Dr. Booth, for a little help, Paul tries to be understanding, Billy's crazy ass friends Sam and Mary echo Billy's paranoid delusions and eventually get eaten by They, but its all very flat and very boring. What really frustrated me the most though was no one in the movie did anything that might have kept They at bay. For instance, Sam has a huge freaking loft apartment that is so dimly lit I had to wonder why anyone who is AFRAID OF THE DARK would live there. A place like that must cost a fortune in rent and its always dim inside of it. He'd be better off moving to a smaller well lit place. We learn that the city is undergoing a power crisis so there are frequent blackouts....which pissed me off. That's just a cop out excuse to have the lights go out when the characters need them most. Mary goes off on her own to the gym for a swim...alone. In a dark ass gym. Is that what any normal frightened of monsters-from-the-dark girl would do? Julia is supposed to be a reasonably intelligent person, yet when she is trying to avoid They...I mean Them....she runs into the subway, into the tunnels, in the dark alone! when she gets jumped by They in the dark I was shouting "Kill the stupid bitch!".

The monsters are CGI created and though you can get a halfway decent look at them, I couldn't really describe them. And as I said we never find out exactly what They are or what They want. Well, They get what They want though. Not to spoil things for you, but at the end of the movie They manage to drag Julia off to their shadow world. It would be a sad and unsettling ending if the rest of the movie wasn't so dull and plodding. On that note I have to tell ya, droogs, that They did indeed suck ass. But I also have to tell you I wouldn't be saying that if they used the alternate ending! The payoff in that is that the alternate ending shows Julia freaking out in a hospital bed....all of this was in her head...she's not a psychology major, she's a patient in a psychiatric hospital. All of the people she's interacted with in the movie are there as patients as well and Paul isn't her boyfriend, he's her doctor. I have to admit after watching that ending I was thinking "Wow....now that's unsettling!". Its unsettling because using that ending the movie could have shown that Julia's grip on reality was so weak that all of the things that happened to her were really just figments of her imagination. And she doesn't know it...she really believes that They exist. That the movie was just her twisted perception of the world around her. If you go with the "Its all in her head" answer a lot of things in the movie make sense. But no, they went with the straight "AAAGH! Its scary monsters" route and well, I told ya...it sucked.

Best Lines:  “Whoa! Hello, nurse!” -Paul's roommate after walking in and seeing Julia nude.

Are you kidding me?

1.) I can certainly understand Billy's fear of the dark. I'll tell you a secret, folks. I was afraid of the dark until I was about 13 years old. seriously. I was sure that monsters were coming to get me every night as a kid. I even slept with a night light. Sometimes I was so scared I'd sleep in my grandfather's room. He blamed all of the movies and comic books I watched and read. I blamed the fact that my room was genuinely creepy. But I wasn't close to killing myself over it. I had elaborate escape plans if the monsters ever came out of the closet. The simplest was jump out of the window onto the neighbor's roof and run like hell. The second plan was to throw my dog at them (he used to sleep on the foot of the bed) and while the monster ate him I'd run like hell. To be honest, all of my plans ended with me running like hell.

2.) I should have mentioned this in the synopsis, but one thing I did like about the movie was the casting. Lauren Regan plays Julia. Never heard of her. But she's not the typical female victim played by an actress with remarkably big boobs. The fact that she looks like a normal person appealed to me.

3.) I said it once already, but I see it too much to not harp on it again. Sam has a big ass loft apartment/ studio. Where do characters in movies get the money to pay for these places? It has an elevator for the love of Euclid! Yeah, its the kind of place most 20 something's would love to have, but man, I'd for once like to not see a place like that in the movies. Of course its the perfect place for They to finally get Billy. Mostly because like an idiot he runs into the elevator when the lights begin to fail, thus trapping himself....even though there's a freakin' fire escape that leads to the street below right outside of his window! And it was daylight outside! (Remember They can't abide light) Moron.

4.) Speaking of morons, when They come after Julia in her apartment she beats feet to Paul's apartment. She's hysterical and Paul gives her some Nyquil or something to calm her down. But she's frightened and too scared to sleep. So what does she do? Instead of staying in Paul's well lit place with him vowing to not let anything happen to her she runs away when he turns his back and goes to the subway! Alone. Into the tunnels. (See why I was rooting for They to just kill her now?) I don't care who or what is after you....a monster, Jack the Ripper, Frankenstein....any normal person with a few working brain cells would know its safer to stay with Paul then to hide in a subway tunnel! Now, you could say she went to the tunnel to stick her fingers down her throat and barf up the medicine Paul gave her. That's what she did do....but do you have to run all the way to the freaking subway to do that?

5.) While running to Paul's apartment, Julia runs through a Chinese restaurant. I mean through the back door through the kitchen. No one in the kitchen seems to mind. Folks, has anyone EVER done this in real life? I'd imagine the cooks would get kind of pissed. But in the flicks you see it all of the time. I don't know about the Chinese restaurants where you live, but its my understanding that if you just run into the kitchen entrance you're likely to get your ass kicked.

SEX AND NUDITY:  Julia is almost seen nude, we see her and Paul in bed together. Which really was a waste. Lauren Regan is always seen with just enough sheets to cover up any areas of interest. And when Paul's roommate walk in on the pair, he sees Julia naked, but we don't...the camera is angled so we can't. the fleeting glimpse of her upper body is out of focus so its not really like you see anything. Also Julia has Paul inspect her body for "the mark" that They leave, but she still has her panties and Bra on. they could have put the mark between her butt cheeks and Paul would never find it then.

Huh?:

Aaargh! The one thing that really gets me in any movie is this. Proof of the unbelievable. If you tell me you just saw a leprechaun I'm going to call you a fruitcake. But if you show me a pot of gold I'll probably start looking for that little bastard myself. So when They attack Julia in her apartment on of the creatures sticks a talon in her head. She manages to pull it out after escaping and then leaves it in the sink of the Chinese restaurant she ran into. Now, come the f*** on, Julia. If you want anyone to believe you when you're hysterically raving about night monsters coming after you don't you think the big weirdass talon would, like, maybe, verify your crazy story?

Just like the big honking, loft apartment, just like the "run through the Chinese restaurant" kitchen, I have to ask...has anyone ever done this? Julia runs and hides in a subway tunnel. Are they that easy to get into? I've never been in one outside of riding the subway so I wonder how movie characters just manage to run into them willy nilly. Don't these places have security? When some subway workers finally catch up with Julia she's going nuts, having just fought off a horde of They. (One of the guys cracks her over the head to stop her. I laughed my ass off.)

Speaking of the subway tunnel, Julia sees a train coming towards her and runs towards it trying to flag it down. This is a graduate student? That's an idiotic thing to do with a car coming directly at you, let alone a subway train. At least a car can possibly swerve to avoid hitting you, but a train? Who in their right mind tries to flag a moving train down by running towards it in the middle of the tracks?

Why didn't they use the alternate ending?

The Final Judgment:  Here's the thing....they can only get one devil head. It didn't reek so badly to deserve the Gorge of Eternal Peril, but it wasn't good enough to do better. Unless you stop the DVD right at the final scene and watch the alternate ending instead. Then it gets two devil heads. This makes the 3rd movie that I can think of where the alternate ending is a lot better than the theatrical one. (The others being Ronin and Final Destination)