Starring: Rosanna Arquette   Directed by: Sondra Locke    Written by: Timothy Albaugh

THE STORY:  There's a story behind this rental. I saw this movie on the sci-fi shelf of my local video store. "Hmmmmm" I thoughts...it doesn't belong here, does it? I wasn't sure. I was right.  Its not a sci-fi flick. In order to learn more about it I went to the IMDb to check on it, if only to ascertain its status. I found some things out.

I found that a teenage boys nowadays have pretty much the same mentality I had in the eighties. Lincoln is a typical high school nerd that's about to go away to college (or so he says). To be honest if Lincoln actually made a sequel to this movie it could probably be a Revenge of the nerds sequel. He's that lame. Well, calling him lame is harsh, Ol' link is a nice enough guy. He just has two asshole friends that I really can't understand. Lincoln has little to no reason to hang out with these guys....the movie even kind of hints that Lincoln doesn't like them very much. But then the movie tells us why they like Lincoln...he has a fake ID.

Yep, truth my friends. Lincoln has a fake ID and his two useless buddies want him to buy beer them. But while doing so in a seedy little convenience store, Lincoln meets Alex.  Alex is a bad girl...older than Lincoln, sexy and not afraid to push the limits of what's acceptable. We learn that early on when Alex basically comes into the convenience store and has dinner. She opens food wrappers and eats, all the while ignoring the clerk (Cuba Gooding Jr., uncredited) Alex uses her feminine wiles to talk Lincoln into taking one of his buddie's car. Lincoln and Alex then go on an extended road trip...and try as I might I can't see the point. Was it to visit Alex's mom? Um...so what? That's more than pointless by the end. Was it to exercise the demons that trouble Lincoln? Doubt it. His whole problem seems tacked on by the end.

I'd say the rest of the movie is a coming of age type of thing, and that Alex teaches Lincoln a thing or too about living in the harsh reality of the actual world, while he teaches her a few things about honesty and trying to be a good person. But that'd be about as true as me telling you that I think Omega Doom was a great morality play about the folly of man and technology.I'll just hit the highs and lows from here on.

HIGHS: Alex does have sex with Lincoln. Now that's a fantasy alright.I used to have such a hard on for Rosanna Arquette in my younger years that I can imagine how great that must have been...for a fantasy character. Kinda like Private Lessons.

Alex, while not having a phony heart of gold at least seems realistically cold blooded. Despite the phony "I love you" she tells Lincoln by the end I feel that Alex would do whatever she had to for a buck.

Lincoln seemed realistic to me. I knew a lot of strange guys at his age.

LOWS: What the hell was Alex running from at the beginning? Did I miss something?

Are Rosanna Arquette's tits so great we have to see them in every movie she appears in? She must be awful proud of 'em because she almost always appears topless at least once in her movies.

Why don't Alex and Lincoln just get out of the car at the gas station and run away?

I won't go into the subplot about Lincoln's mom...it actually makes sense by the end of the movie, but hell, its not that interesting.

I saw on the IMDb that a lot of people didn't like this flick but I kind of enjoyed it. I can describe that in a few words...Karen McGaiguin. I was so in love with her in my teens and she was the older chick that could basically boss me around and laugh about it. How many of us guys haven't had it for an older girl and at least for a brief period of our teen years made complete jerks out of ourselves, trying to please our single y chromosome masters? I wonder whatever happened to Karen?....

Best Lines: "Do I look like a little white girl to you?'Cuz I feel like you're trying to [unwrite] me!"- Cuba Gooding Jr. as the convenience store clerk.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) Oh, dear God. You know, there've been many a night I lie awake and wish I could relive my teenage years. Then this movie came along. Not that this is the be all and end all of telling like it is, but when Lincoln's friends got all excited about getting some beer I felt a twinge. When they actually thought that Alex was going to sleep with them I felt another. Are men so easy to manipulate? Kind of, I think. Are teenage boys really that easy to manipulate? Damn Skippy.

2.) Alex tells Lincoln that most European women don't shave their armpits (and I assume legs, also by the way she phrased it) and she could be right. But I've spent some time in Europe (Hell, I'm in Europe right now as of this writing) and I haven't seen too many women that don't shave their pits. Maybe Alex has prior knowledge from her experiences, but it may  not be up to date. ADDENDUM: Between the time I wrote that and came back to check spelling I took a trip to Marksburg, Germany. I saw a few women there with more hair on their legs than the Cookie Monster! EEK! Guess Alex was right.

3.) Okay....there's one scene that will keep this movie from the ass-burning flames of The Inferno more than anything else. Its when Lincoln tells Alex he thinks he loves her after repairing a flat. Not because he probably loves her but because, man, it brings back some memories. Guys, we've all either been there or fantasized about it. A sunny afternoon with a beautiful chick...yeah, I was there when I was 16...with Karen. She was two or three years older than me and I was in love in the way that young men with no worldly experience fall in love with older women. Meaning they control the hell out of you.

4.) Why does Lincoln decide to drive Alex to the hospital himself after she's shot?? I don't get it. Why not just keep her bleeding down and await help while in a public area? I'm no medic, but she has a gut wound and call me crazy...she might survive if given proper medical care.

NUDITY AND SEX:  I defy anyone to show me a movie (with the exception of Silverado) where Rosanna Arquette doesn't show her boobs off. I think se has a standard contract stating she must be seen topless in every movie she's in. (not that I'm complaining.)

HUH?:  Is Lincoln out of his mind? Why let a drunk chick he just met drive the car ?

Man they pulled the thing about Lincoln's brother out of their ass. I understand that maybe the mom is upset and disturbed by the suicide, but give me a [unwrite]in' break. Did daddy go nuts too? why doesn't he help Lincoln out. Given the circumstances how can he not see his son is having problems coping? (oops...considering the things that American teens have been doing lately, I feel silly for asking)

I just find it humorous when thug guy asked Lincoln if he's "[unwrite]in' my woman, Alex." Given a question phrased like that the only smart answer is "No". You only say "Yes" when someone asks if you're a god.

THE FINAL JUDGMENT: My fascination with this movie was merely that I knew Rosanna Arquette would be topless in it sooner or later. I just knew it. Other than that I can't think of a good reason to see it. The Inferno gives it two devils...because the movie obviously has no real reason to exist, And one of those devils is merely due to Rosanna's tits.