Universal Soldier: The Return

THE STORY: The original movie, Universal Soldier, barely registers on my memory radar. It was just a movie I watched and was entertained by in a way that young men are entertained by watching other guys duke it out. So I'm not casting any opinions on the first movie (at least in this review) except that I remember at the end, Luc Deveraux won and the chick he hooked up with was trying to cool him down in an ice bath. ('Cuz Universal Soldiers...Unisols...can't cool down on their own or they'll burn up I guess.) To be honest I don't even know if that's correct. Its been a long time. But I do remember that Luc wasn't an important corporate/government bigshot guy like he is in this sequel.

I didn't like this flick and its not entirely the fault of this film. I had a grudge going into it. There's a made for TV version of events after the first film...I didn't actually realize this and I rented it instead once. I don't remember much about it except that I found it flat and boring. Add the fact that I was pissed off that it was made for TV (I know, Greywizard warned me about that) I had a chip on my shoulder from the start of this flick.

Don't ask me how or why or whatever...Luc is no longer a Unisol, he works with the Ryan-Lathrop corporation...the ones that developed the Unisol...to create NEW Unisols. Why would he do this? I didn't really care and that's a bad sign. The movie opens with Luc and his friend Maggie testing some Unisols in a swamp. The way Luc can make a boat jump over a log I thought it was the beginning of a Wally Gator cartoon for a minute. Its glossed over later that Luc was a Unisol, but Dr. Cotner, the big brain behind the new Unisols cured him. (Quite a feat since Unisols are computer controlled DEAD people.)

Speaking of dead, the girl from the first movie is dead apparently, and we don't find out how...but she and Luc had a daughter, Hillary, and she's about ten years old. So we have a good setup for a template script here. (You know when you first see Hillary the bad guys will capture her) All we need now is a threat: General Radnor tells Cotner funding has been cut. The Unisols are controlled by a super computer called SETH...SETH doesn't want to be scrapped...guess what happens. You shouldn't have any trouble guessing since super computers always rebel against mankind. We also need a love interest: I thought it may have been Maggie, but no, they used the old "Plucky Female Reporter" thing. er Geez....what's the stock numbon those? And then the deadline thing: If Luc doesn't give SETH a code in eight hours he'll deactivate by himself. Interestingly, Dr. Cotner knew the code, but SETH killed him...why? HE knew the code. You can add to the Threat: SETH downloads himself into a Unisol body and thus has a physical presence....well, you needed that so Luc would have someone to fight. After all, Luc's main sparring partner, a Unisol called Romeo, is used as comic relief.

There are other minor characters and there are lots of fights. Too bad none of it was really interesting. Oh, I lie...the fight between Luc and SETH at the end was kinda cool. Still, this is one movie I wouldn't have missed if I never saw it. But then I didn't expect much.

I do have one Big Ass bone to pick though....the reporter in this movie...Erin...is really [unwrite]ing annoying in the way that all loudmouth female reporters are in movies. And of course she has to be the 'love interest'. Will someone please give me a break? When she said "I'm a reporter...I'm not leaving without my story" or something like that (and definitely not more imaginative) I groaned so loud I broke a rib. When she protested being removed from the Army's command post I groaned so loud I ruptured my larynx. Because she wasn't removed. Yeah, reporter or not you come into my classified area when all hell is breaking loose you're leaving either on foot or in a body bag.

I wish I could do a good Irish accent...then I'd do the cliche' Irish cop routine for you and tell you "Move along, nothin' to see here..." because there ain't. Luc was of course, Jean Claude Van Damme. (Which is a really cool name if you think about it.) SETH was Michael Jai White, you know, the dude that was Spawn. Romeo was some wrestler, but since I find the WWF even sillier than this movie I don't know...or really care to learn his name. (Goldberg I think...and its scary that I remembered that.)

Best Lines: "On the other hand...[unwrite] YOU!" Seth rebels against his orders to shut down.

1.) When the Unisols first come out of the building to confront the army, there's only four of them. About 50 soldiers open fire on them and when the Unisols drop the General tells them to keep firing, but the captain responds "Sir, they're down!" and sends two men to 'check 'em out'. Of course the Unisols get up and begin killing almost everyone. But...but...the general knew the Unisols capabilities. Earlier in the flick Maggie even told him the Unisols strength and new vests make them practically bulletproof. My question is why didn't the general order those soldiers to AIM FOR THE UNISOL'S UNPROTECTED HEADS!? He could have just told the captain to tell his men to blow the heads off of them!

2.) In the first Universal Soldier movie, the Unisols were mindless, being controlled by remote. Why then do they have personalities in this movie? Wasn't it better to have them basically as blank minded tools? Then again, only two of them show they actually have a personality...that's Romeo and later, Maggie, after she's transformed.

3.) Whenever a super computer goes nuts in a sci-fi movie or even a TV show it always has complete control over everything...why? I mean SETH has enough control over the facility to effectively block any attempt to shut him down. If I were to create an evolving artificial intelligence with emotions...and SETH shows that he has emotions...the fact that he doesn't want to be shut down proves that...I certainly wouldn't create it such a way that it could kill me when I wanted to turn it off. That's like giving this computer I'm using now intelligence, wiring a two gazillion volt charge to the keyboard and then telling it I want to take it apart and cannibalize the componenets.

NUDITY AND SEX:  There's a scene at a nudie bar.

HUH?: One of these days I'm going to take a scriptwriter's course....I mean there's got to be a part in that class where they teach you that all military generals have to be cold blooded bastards. Seriously. If the movie you're watching isn't about a heroic military figure most of the time when you get around to the generals they're all complete dickheads. MG (Major General) Radford completely ignores the fact that Luc is in the facility when he's ready to blow it up. Now I can understand that he has his duty and that's it, if you want to use that as a reason for condemning his friend to death, but its the way he pretty much blows it off. Like "Luc's in there...so [unwrite]ing what. I don't care a bit." Earlier in the movie Luc mentioned that he didn't trust Radford, and we don't know why....I guess they're setting him up to be a jerk. (eyes rolling....like that's a suprise.)

Luc was once a Unisol but he says Dr. Cotner 'cured' him and made him live again...WOW! That means these scientists have found a way to CURE DEATH!

What does Luc actually do? He must have a super duper job and clearance since he can bring his ten year old kid to the facility. In the last movie he was a regular grunt, got killed, became a Unisol and shook off his programming. Now he's some hi-tech executive honcho in the Unisol project? (Do I have to mention that Luc was killed in freakin' Vietnam making him at least 15 years to 2 decades out of touch by the time of the 1st movie?)

THE FINAL JUDGMEBT: I guess big fans of the made for TV series and the first movies might like this, but if you're just looking for an action movie you might be disappointed. There's action, but...I dunno...the movie left me feeling sad. Really. I wish I hadn't watched it and I don't why. Not a fun way to feel in the Inferno.