Starring: Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Rick Roxburgh, David Wenham, Shuler Hensley   Written and Directed by: Stephen Sommers

The Story:

You know when I put together the list of movies I wanted to dig up in this Halloween's Devil's graveyard reviews, I had no intention of including Van Helsing in that number. Really. It was released on video in mid October and I had not seen it in the theater. I purposely avoided looking up any information on it also, because I knew that once it was on DVD I was going to purchase it anyway.

I could go on a real rant here about so called "Summer Blockbuster" movies. Every summer we're assaulted by Summer blockbusters. They want us to pack into theaters like sardines and thrill at the sheer escapism of these flicks. Which isn't a bad thing. Its only a bad thing when the movie sucks. Most of the time these movies are hyped up to the max and when I see them I'm left underwhelmed. Well, sit back, droogies, because Van Helsing underwhelmed me. Admittedly when I saw a trailer for it last year I had the same reaction I had when I saw the preview for Underworld. I was all like "Man, that looks Bad-ASS!". Fortunately my experience with Underworld prepared me for Van Helsing, even though I really had no idea what to expect. I only knew that the movie didn't turn out as big as it looked like it was going to be and that's it. But I did expect a few things when I put in the DVD:

A: I was afraid that because of Hugh Jackman's popular character in the X-Men movies, he's play Van Helsing as a sort of Steam-Punk version of Wolverine. Luckily it didn't turn out that way.

B: I expected a lot of CGI. I just hoped that it wouldn't be excessive.

C: I hoped that the use of so many monsters in one movie (Frankenstein's Monster, Dracula, The Werewolf, Mr. Hyde) wouldn't bog the movie down needlessly with back stories and mythology.

I can say that point A was not a problem. Yes, Van Helsing is the same type of loner-man-of-action that we're used to seeing, and he came real close to being exactly like Wolverine (Really close, but that would be giving up a plot point. Heck, I might spoil it for ya anyway later on) even down to the "I can't remember my past" thing. Grrrr....I really hated that, too....its been done too many times. Here's a plea to any screenwriters out there....if you're going to have a hero that has amnesia about his past either have him NEVER EVER solve the mystery or make sure you have a Super-Duper, Galaxy Bustin' idea for it. Point C wasn't a problem either. But hey, I skipped B, because well, it was. There was a lot of CGI, and it wasn't badly done....but it sure was overdone. Ok, we've seen the vampire chicks morph, it looked cool....stop doing it. *sigh* This movie was almost a cartoon because of it. Hey, I like cool special effects but I also like character interaction, good dialogue and a good story that has a few surprises.

Gabriel Van Helsing is the Vatican's Monster Hunter. In the late 19th century Van Helsing is like the Vatican's James Bond. He goes on these secret missions (which aren't very secret since everyone seems to know who he is wherever he goes) and is supplied with gadgets made by scientifically minded monks. After defeating Mr. Hyde in Paris, Van Helsing is tasked to go to Transylvania to help the last members of the Valerious family stop Dracula. What he doesn't know is that Dracula has enlisted the aid of Dr. Frankenstein a year prior. Frankenstein created his famous monster only to be killed by Dracula who supported him with equipment and funds. Drac wanted the secret of creating life to bring his offspring to life. Old Drac has been getting busy with his vampire babes, but since they're...well, dead, the children are born dead. As in REALLY dead. Frankenstein's methods are thought to be a solution by Dracula, and once his gargoyle like kids are quickened he can take over the world. But the monster holds the key to success and he escaped when villagers reenact the last scene in the 1931 Frankenstein movie.

When Van Helsing arrives in Transylvania with Q....ooops I mean, Carl, a Friar, and inventor from the Vatican, he finds Anna Valerious the only surviving member of her family running things in the village. He has to keep Anna alive since her ancestor made a pact that none of his descendants would enter heaven until Dracula is destroyed. Its convenient that Drac's vampire babes attack almost the instant Van Helsing shows up in town. Its also, as I said underwhelming. It was just too convenient for Anna to ask what she would need Van Helsing's help for and then less than a second later come under attack from her enemies. Maybe I'm being too nitpicky, but I literally groaned at that part. The groaning went on for a long time too, because this little action sequence seemed to last for an hour.

But bad timing or not, what really made me lose interest fast was the action in these scenes. Both Van Helsing and Anna seem to be superhuman. I've never seen a supposedly normal human being hit hard enough to be sent flying thirty feet or fall from a height of three stories (hitting tree branches on the way down) and then get up like nothing happened. I fell off of a freakin' curb and messed up my back. Anna get dropped by a vampire babe for about fifty feet, hits a tree and jumps right back up. Bah! I know the heroes are supposed to win, but when it becomes clear that they aren't going to even be injured by things that would kill anyone else, the movie becomes fantastically boring. This movie was more of a comic book than the X-Men movies are.....Van Helsing and Anna find out where the Frankenstein Monster is hiding more by pure luck and script contrivance than anything else...and the monster then tells them of Dracula's plans. (The monster is hiding from Drac). Truly, the Monster was interesting, more so than Van Helsing or Anna. I even liked the "look" they gave him, sort of a new millennium version of the old Boris Karloff look. If they ever make a sequel to Van Helsing I'd want it to be centering on what happens to the monster. Yeah, he lives in the end.

Van Helsing has several actors from movies I've either loved of disliked in it. Carl was played by David Wenham, the same guy that played Faramir in the last two of Peter Jackson's Lord of The Rings trilogy. Richard Roxburgh was Dracula, and he owes me a good movie...he was M in the disappointing League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. His Dracula was wasn't bad...a bit too Snidely Whiplash at times, but still for the movie he was in, not bad. If anything they made this version of Dracula a bit too powerful. It seemed like he could do anything, which is good in an ultimate villain for any movie. But with it you also have to find a way for the hero to beat such a juggernaut. I didn't much like the way Van Helsing had to defeat Dracula, but I won't mention it in this synopsis, because I'm trying not to spoil it for you guys out there. Kate Beckinsale, though....listen, she can act....and she's good looking...but hell, unless you're a warthog, most women look good in a bodice. (And I said the same thing about her in Underworld and tight leather) But I'm unimpressed with her characters. After this movie and Underworld I'm thinking someone told her she'd be a good action heroine.....and hell, maybe she can be. (I thought Geena Davis could be from Cutthroat Island and Long Kiss Good Night. The movies weren't all that great, but Davis was convincing....well, at least a bit...Cutthroat Island sucked) I just hope that next time she graces the Inferno its in a movie that has nothing about vampires in it.

Best Lines: "I think if you're going to kill someone, kill them, don't stand there talking about it!" - Anna to Aleera, the Vampire woman when she dispatches her. Its a cool line, too bad I've heard it before by Tuco in the Good the Bad and the Ugly.

 Are you kidding me?

1.) Yikes! What a scale problem! I'm sure the film maker hoped that many wouldn't notice this, but....When Van Helsing first appears he's tracking Mr. Hyde. He finds a dead woman on the streets of Paris (The deserted streets, right by Notre Dame, which I have a problem with but I'll get into that later) and next to her body is a cigar, only half smoked. Finding Hyde nearby, the monster taunts him, by puffing another cigar in his face and then putting it out on his tongue. But....Hyde is huge! I'd say even bigger than the Hulk or the Hyde in League of Extraordinary gentlemen.....his head alone must be four to five feet from chin to top. So his cigar is easily as big as Van Helsing's head. Where did he get a cigar THAT big? Custom made? From where? Even the most addicted nicotine freak would balk at that stogie!

2.) What is the point in Van Helsing having a fancy shmancy reloading crossbow when he can't hit the broad side of a barn? He must have fired a thousand bolts at the flying vampire babes and missed. This guy is an expert monster hunter? Mr. Magoo would have been a better shot. Van Helsing was just firing wildly and hoping he hit something.

3.) Is Paris that empty? Van Helsing finds the dead woman within walking distance of Notre Dame whilst tracking Mr. Hyde and there's not one person on the street. Hey, maybe someone in France can clue me to this, but last time I was in Paris it was jam packed with people even at night. And Notre Dame isn't in a bad neighborhood where people wouldn't tread after dark.

4.) Not only are Anna and Van Helsing indestructible, the cows in Transylvania are too! During the fracas in the village square a cow is sent flying through the air and crashes through the side of a building. At the end of the fight we see the cow standing there unhurt. Hey, I'm sure cows are pretty tough....but not that tough! A rhino could probably walk away from something like that....but a cow? They ain't on the top of my list of really bad-ass animals.

5.) Anna's brother, Velkan has become a werewolf....but he turns back to his normal self when the moon is obscured by clouds. (He becomes a werewolf again when the clouds pass) What the F***? I know movies change the rules on monsters constantly, but this is a new one on me. Doers this mean on a cloud covered full moon night a werewolf won't change?

6.) Dracula wanted Frankenstein's monster alive, so why does he even let the villagers begin to threaten Dr. Frankenstein at the start of the movie. The villagers are literally scared out of their wits at Dracula and his vampire babes. All the count had to do was show up at their little raiding party and say "BOO" before the maddened yokels even got to the castle. They'd have wet themselves and probably sh!t themselves too at the same time.

Nudity and Sex: None

Huh?:

Well, if you couldn't guess what the grenade like object that Carl creates in the beginning of the movie does, you might need to catch a ticket for the Clue train. What's so stupid about it is that Carl tells Van Helsing he doesn't know what it does. Hell, he built it! So this guy is supposed to be a mechanical genius that creates weapons for the church to use in their war with supernatural evil and he makes a device without knowing what it does? How do you do that? How do you invent something and have absolutely no idea what it does or what its for? That was such a stupid setup for this device that I wanted to smack the scriptwriters with an aluminum bat.

Its never actually said but I hope the Vatican has more monster hunters other than Van Helsing. They have a big ass laboratory with monks building weapons, and I hope they ain't all building them for this one guy!

The Cardinal tells Van Helsing he wishes him seven years in Hell for breaking the window in Notre dame while defeating Hyde. Geez, I thought God was all about forgiving sins. Its not like van Helsing broke it out of malice....in fact, it was Hyde that broke it. (A fact that Van Helsing brings up). I'd think you'd have to do something completely over the top evil to get a Cardinal to wish you time in hell in a confessional! I broke a window when I was kid delivering newspapers....I guess I'd better not confess to it ever....I might have the priest wishing Beelzebub would shove a red hot poker in my ass. What a dick.

The Villagers are upset when Van Helsing kills a vampire. They say that the vampires only kill enough people to survive themselves...two or three a month. Hey, first, isn't that A LOT of people? This isn't a metropolis we're talking about....its a dinky ass village! 2 or 3 people a month would seem to be a problem. Secondly....Why don't these assholes just move? What is this, the Lost boys? Funk Dat, if I lived in a town where vampire routinely offed two or three suckers a month I'd move before they came after me. Dumbasses. they deserve to Nosferatu Chow!

While trying to hunt down a werewolf Anna, Velkan and some villagers trap it but the monster is trying to break free. Velkan has dropped his pistol and Anna shouts "Get Velkan's gun. It has the silver bullets!". Wait a ding dang minute....the villagers all knew they were hunting a werewolf! Why bring only one gun with silver bullets?

The Final Judgment: Van Helsing is the kind of movie that will appeal to younger viewers. its chock full of monsters but its not really scary or gory. Its like a kid friendly comic book on video, so if you want to give the kids something to watch on Halloween, this is probably the ticket. But if you think its going to be a gritty, serious adventure, well, you're not gonna be satisfied. The Infernal Imps will give it three punkin heads since children will likely enjoy it. There's practically not a five minute stretch where there's no action scene so it'll keep the attention of people with ADD.