THE STORY: I have a buddy in Philadelphia that likes to watch old movies. He gets a kick outta them. One day he was telling me that I should watch this movie. I found it in a video store, rented it, copied it to watch later and promptly forgot about it. Well, YEARS later, I decided to check it out. Too bad its long-long distance to call my friend. I want to tell him he owes me $1.50.

Not that this movie was really bad, but it was sorta blah. Way back when in the age of the Vikings, England trembled under constant raids of the northmen. Some king guy dies and his cousin Iella assumes the throne. The Queen is demoted sort of. Since there was no male heir, Iella has little trouble installing himself as king. The Queen however was raped in a Viking raid and is unbeknownst to anyone but Father Godwyn, pregnant with the son of Ragnar, the Viking leader! The Queen manages to conceal her pregnancy and the birth. Fearing for the infants life (Iella would most certainly have the kid killed to keep the throne) Father Godwyn has the baby taken to Italy. The boy has the pummelstone of some sacred sword tied around his neck so that he may be recognized in the future.

Twenty years go by. The Vikings still rage across England. Iella accuses a nobleman, Lord Egbert of conspiring with the Vikings and locked away. Egbert escapes however because he has been conspiring with the Vikings! Egbert goes with Ragnar to the Vikings land and meets Ragnar's son, Kirk Douglas. (I didn't catch his Viking name and I probably can't spell it anyway.) Kirk is kind of vicious and arrogant, but he's all into being a Viking! While tooling around Viking land Kirk and Egbert come across two slaves. One of the Eric, has a hunting hawk and Kirk accuses him of stealing it. In a rage Eric uses the Hawk to attack Kirk. (Really stupid idea.) The Hawk mauls Kirk's face, blinding him in one eye. Ragnar has Eric sentenced to death by drowning. Egbert has other plans. He knows about the pummelstone and the baby, yada, yada. I'm not sure how he knows about it, but he does....probably because Egbert wants to dethrone Iella. Anyway, Eric has the stone around his neck, so you guessed it....he's the true heir to the throne!

Egbert doesn't tell Eric this, but has his life spared and takes him as his own personal slave. This angers Kirk, but he lives with it. Egbert has a plan. He gets the Vikings to kidnap Lady Morgana. Morgana is supposed to be wed to Iella and they figure Iella will pay a hefty ransom for her return. Unfortunately, Kirk takes a shine to Morgana. (She is kinda hot...rowr!) Morgana of course, despises him. Ragnar's orders that no one is to harm her. She's useless if they rape or kill her because then Iella won't want her. By this time though, Eric figures enough is enough. With the help of his deaf-mute slave buddy he attempts an escape. The deaf-mute guy, an African or something, has a piece of metal that always points to the north.(can anyone say "Magnet"?) Having no compasses to sail by back then the Vikings were careful to always sail in sight of land or by the stars. Fog held them back. But with this magic piece of metal, Eric can navigate a small boat through the fog. Ragnar has changed his mind and decides to let Kirk have Morgana, but Kirk is blind stinking drunk and during his rape attempt, Eric knocks him out and takes Morgana and her lady-in-waiting with him. When Kirk comes to he rallies the Vikings and they give chase into the night. Eric and his friends slip into the fog and when the Viking boats follow them in, one of them hits a rock. It falls apart (pretty shabby ass boat) and Ragnar falls in. Before he drowns though Eric pulls him into his boat and knocks him out. The other Vikings believe Ragnar died and blame Eric. Kirk swears revenge by Odin's blood!

Ragnar may as well be dead. Eric takes Morgana back to Iella. For a reward he asks for Morgana....which is kind of stupid. I mean, a former slave asking the king for his intended in the middle of the castle in front of all the nobles? Right. Iella is grateful, a little and he can see that Morgana likes Eric. But he has other things on his mind, like killing the captive Ragnar. He has Ragnar bound and is ready to throw him in a pit of hungry wolves. He even gives Eric the honor of pushing him in. Eric is more than ready too...why not? Ragnar has held him as a slave for his entire freaking life! But Ragnar has a request. If a Viking dies without a sword in his hand he can't get into Valhalla (Viking heaven) Ragnar asks Eric for a sword. Iella says no, but Eric gives him one anyway. Happy (though I don't see why) Ragnar leaps into the pit and his death. Iella, being a real jerkweed, is pissed off that Eric allowed Ragnar his wish and cuts off his hand...with Morgana watching. Then he has Eric cast adrift in his boat. Grateful dude, huh?

Eric now wants revenge on Iella and to get Morgana. For this he needs an army so where does he go? Back to the Vikings! Even though they should be on his vengeance list one spot over Iella! Kirk has been fuming about revenge also so he's happy that Eric is back! But when Eric tells him he can help the Vikings sail to England by open sea (so they won't be seen) and Egbert knows the layout of the castle, he accepts Eric's help...temporarily!

After arriving in England the Vikings stage a siege on Iella's castle. Though the English put up a fight (a pitiful one, really. I mean, they've been suffering these raids for more than twenty years yet they still haven't grokked to the idea of lookout posts? The Vikings had to march quite a way to the castle lugging siege engines!) Kirk wants Morgana himself so he storms on his own and finds her. That's when Morgana tells him that Eric is (gasp) his brother! (Ragnar was the father) Enraged Kirk and Eric have a fight to the death. Ultimately Eric wins, which is no suprise, but I have to wonder....Eric's been a slave most of his life and Kirk is the son of a Viking chief. Add to that Eric only has one hand! So Kirk, the mighty Viking son of a mighty Viking warlord can't beat a one-handed slave?

The Vikings gather around Kirk's body and Eric tells them to give him a Viking funeral. Okay....now I'm lost. Eric the former slaves tells the Vikings that actually want his head on a platter for the death of Ragnar to give Kirk a Viking funeral....and no one says anything! They give Kirk the funeral which means they put his body on one of the boats, set it adrift and shoot flaming arrows at it so it burns up. Yeah, what a waste of a good boat. I'm not talking a canoe either. They used one of their Viking ships to do this...and they're still in England!

Well, Kirk was played by Kirk Douglas. This is actually the first Kirk Douglas I remember watching. Ragnar was played by Ernest Borgnine! Remember him from McHale's Navy? (The TV show, not the movie...though he was in the movie!) Everyone else I promptly forgot about. Probably to preserve my sanity.

Best Lines: "ODIN!"-Ragnar's last word as he jumps into the pit of wolves.

"Take your magic elsewhere, holy man!"-Kirk after he crashes into the chapel and Father Godwyn makes the sign of the cross.

1.) Considering that he's a slave and pretty much under Kirk Douglas' power, what made Eric use his hawk to attack him? I mean, yeah, slaves should rebel against their masters, but that was definitely not the time or the way. It was an easy bet that the bird wasn't going to kill Kirk. Eric could have just played the "Yes massah" role and plotted an escape later.

2.) Wait a flippin' minnit! How'd Eric get back to Viking-land so damn quick? And why? He wants to free Morgana from Iella's conscience and gain revenge for Iella cutting his hand off but if it wasn't it in the script I think he'd have found a saner way! Why go back to the people that held you in slavery for your entire [unwrite]ing life, to ask for the help of a man who has literally sworn to kill you? That's probably a good way to end up having dinner with Odin I Valhalla that night!

3.) Vikings party like Klingons on Star Trek! These dudes get drunk and beat each other up. Now, I'm no stranger to rowdy parties, but what do you do when Hagar, your best sword and slash man breaks an arm or a clavicle at one of these nightly parties? You can't call an ambulance or take him to the emergency ward. I suppose you could throw some leeches on him and hope for the best, I just wonder how many valiant Viking warriors went to Valhalla from drunken-hooligan type incidents.

4.) Speaking of the rowdiness of Vikings, one test of a Viking woman's faithfulness is to have her stick her head through a big wooden target, tie her pigtails up on it and throw axes at her! If you cut her pigtails she's innocent. If you miss and slice her friggin' head open she's guilty. If you miss altogether YOU get killed! Geez! I thought today's divorce courts were tough!

NUDITY AND SEX: None

HUH?: In order to show Ragnar how vicious the wolves in the pit are, Iella holds a piece of meat on a  long stick to them. Funny thing is when you see him pull the stick back the meat is still there! Are they vegetarian wolves? Maybe they're afraid of getting Mad Cow Disease....'cuz I'd expect a gang of hungry wolves to have eaten it!

When Morgana begs Iella to spare Eric's life he says he will because he doesn't want her to think he's cruel! Then he cuts off Eric's hand in front of her while two other guys are holding him! Yeah, that's not cruel! Mutilating the guy that saved your fiancée's life and bought you your worst enemy in the whole wide world to you on a platter. Way to impress the babes, Iella!

Talk about Fake family flick Theater! Now in any move when someone is supposed to be missing a hand, you can usually tell that that its fake because the arm is just too long to not have a hand hidden under it....but when the Vikings storm the English castle, the English use catapults to hurl decent sized rocks at them. The rocks hit the shields of some charging Vikings and while most of the scenes are this okay, you can tell the rocks don't have much weight. If you get hit by a flying 75 pound rock you're not going to stop it with a flimsy shield.

How come whenever I see a Viking chick in an opera she's all fat and has one of them stainless steel bras on? The Viking chicks in this movie are HOT! I'm talking beach blanket boinking hot! I wish I was a Viking! Also, none of the Vikings have any of those "Hagar the horrible" hats with the horns on it! Is that a myth? I always thought those things looked cool! (Hey, I'd wear one, but people would stare.)

THE TALLY: For a movie about Vikings this thing was pretty boring. It started off strong, but got bad real quick, like a cool glass of milk left out on a hot summer day. Unless you really like Kirk Douglas, Ernest Borgnine or Vikings I'd save my time for something better. This movie should just stay in Valhalla and not trouble Midgard again.