Starring: Edward Woodward, Christopher Lee

Directed by: Robin Hardy    Written By: Anthony Shaffer

The Story: Hmmmm....I've seen this movie in video stores for ages. It claims to be shocking and scary and all that. It claims to be classic. Well, I won't say that its not a classic...it is pretty good. But shocking? Naaaaah. I wasn't shocked. Man, I just can't get a break at this shocktoberfest thing.

A sea plane lands at the remote island off of the Scottish shore known as Summer Isle. Its flown by Sergeant Howie, a policeman sent to the isle to investigate the disappearance of a young girl named Rowan Morrison. Howie finds that this task is a lot more complex than it would seem. The villagers on summer Isle are less than forthcoming with any information. For that matter, they deny outright even knowing the girl. Howie finds this suspicious...after all, its a small community and even the girl's mother says that Rowan is NOT her daughter.

Howie doesn't make cooperation easy, though. He's kind of uptight about religion, you see. Howie is a devout Christian and he's the kind of guy that those bible belt preachers would love. He can't tolerate anything outside of his faith. You'd think he'd develop a little bit of impartiality in his role as a lawman, but noooo. Howie makes it a point to bring up the fact that the villagers are heathens at every turn. ( Makes me miss Aunt Esther from Sanford and Son....poor Lawanda Page, God bless her soul.) Howie takes exception at the songs song at the local inn by the villagers and man, once he finds out that they practice a pagan religion he just can't keep his big mouth shut. You know, guys like Howie are tiresome. I think religion is a beautiful thing, but if you ram it down my throat it only makes me want to bust your teeth out. But then on the other hand one has to admire Howie's conviction. He turns down the innkeeper's beautiful blonde daughter because he doesn't believe in sex before marriage. That's real devotion, my droogies, because I'd have needed a bottle of JD and several liquid nitro showers to do that myself. If I were a single man, that is.

The leader of the community, Lord Summerisle offers less help than Howie expected, also. On his way to see the lord, Howie witnesses girls dancing naked over a flame and is thoroughly disgusted. He's practically livid when he finds that Lord Summerisle not only agrees with the druidic practices of the villagers, but endorses it. Summerisle explains how his ancestor founded the village and the community and urged the pagan religion onto the people to help them farm. After finding nothing but a dead rabbit...oops, I mean a hare...in Rowan's grave during his investigation, Howie prepares to leave the island. But he finds that his plane has been sabotaged. Or not. Either way it won't start, and his only option is to have it towed to the mainland or to continue his investigation. I think the suggestion of towing the plane was a one last chance move on the part of the villagers. Howie could have chosen it and escaped. But he's not only uptight, he's stubborn. Its Mayday and he still decides to search every house by hand to find out what really happened to Rowan. His searches doesn't lead to anything, but when he decides to rest for a bit in the inn, he overhears the innkeeper and his daughter plot to drug him. Howie feigns sleeping and then knocks out the innkeeper and takes his mayday costume. That of  Punch, the clown. Then he sneaks to the mayday celebration. After witnessing Lord Summerisle and the villagers go through their pagan celebration he finds Rowan alive and apparently about to be sacrificed. Bravely, Howie rescues her and runs for safety, but to no avail. The whole thing was a treacherous plot. Rowan was never in any danger. The villagers wanted to trap him. Kind of like the end of  Spellbinder. The villagers needed a virgin sacrifice that came with the power of a king (The law) and was a virgin (Howie is) and also came of his own free will. Rowan was never the sacrifice, Summerisle explains....Howie was. And now trapped by the villagers he's bound and placed inside of the Wicker Man with various farm animals and burnt to death.

I found it harder to feel for Howie than I did for the poor dumb schmuck in Spellbinder. Both movies have similar endings, where the main character tries to do what's right to save someone in danger only to find that they are in fact the real prey of whatever evil forces. But Howie is such a stick in the mud, that I couldn't relate to him very much. When you take that into account and the fact that I damn sure wouldn't have hung around the isle as long as he did without calling for some kind of backup, Howie pretty much played into his own fate.

I wonder though, what kind of law enforcement is practiced in Great Britain or Scotland or wherever this was supposed to take place. After all, Howie is unarmed. I think that's a dangerous position to be in, given his circumstances. An unarmed policeman on such a task would have to assume and indeed, hope that everyone he encountered would mean no harm. How do you coerce a criminal to obey when you can't use deadly force? A lot of people would rather kill than be taken prisoner. And do communities like that of Summer Isle really exist...sans the paganism? (I ask because, heck, I might move there.) I'm not cracking wise at the people of Britain. I just want to know.

If anyone reading this can shed some light on the pagan beliefs and the origins of the Wicker Man, feel free. The movie might not have been scary, but it does raise the interest in the old pagan religions. Don't do like I did and overlook it in the video store. Its well worth a watch. Howie was played by Edward Woodward, American viewers will know him as the Equalizer. Lord Summerisle was Christopher Lee.

Best Lines:  “After all what girl wouldn't prefer the child of a god, rather than that of some acne scarred artisan?” - Lord Summerisle explains the fertility ritual to Howie.

 Are you kidding me?

1.) I'm thinking of retiring to Summer Isle. I mean this place has gotta be great for a guy like me, seeking peace and quiet and a little fun! I can't see why Howie wouldn't like the place! A quiet community, a pub where the locals sing bawdy songs and quaff much ale, naked hot chicks dancing around...what's not to like about it. Oh....yeah, The burning people in big ass wicker dudes. I forgot.

2.) Wait a minute...Howie can fly a plane? How convenient is that? The citizens of Summer Isle must have done some really good homework to find and lure a police officer that can do that on his own, one that they knew they could fool into their plot. Think about it. If they just plotted to lure any old dumb bastard into their clutches they might accidentally get someone that would be missed to much....or someone that would just say "funk dat!" and leave after they told him that Rowan didn't exist. Or someone that could actually defend themselves and kill the lot of them before being sacrificed.

3.) Howie gets upset in the schoolhouse and calls the girl's class a bunch of despicable liars. That's harsh to say to children, but he should have called them some ugly liars. Take a gander at the girl that explains the beetle tied up in the desk. Woof. Hey, I know her momma must love her, but I've seen prettier faces on stray dogs.

4.) You know, this big freaking Wicker Man tower couldn't have been that easy to build. And the poor animals burned in it could probably have better use than to be fried to a crispy crunch. Too bad these bozos didn't put as much work into growing their crops.

5.) I'm not joking. Howie is way to uptight. Willow practically tells him he can have her if he wants and he tells her he doesn't believe in sex before marriage. Hah! A noble soul to be sure, but as I said earlier the villagers must have done some good research on this guy. 'Cuz if they had accidentally lured someone like....well ME...heck, lets just say the need to burn a virgin sacrifice would have been felt. Rowr.

6.) Lord Summerisle lives in a big ass castle-mansion type thing. I always wondered what it would be like to live in a structure like that. I mean, how many rooms does it have? Summerisle is apparently single. What the hell does he need all of that room for? Doubtless there are rooms in that house that are never ever used! Even the Brady Bunch kids had to share rooms with their siblings! A single guy in a place like that? Hell, I'd get some roommates just to try and cover the heating bills! (I guess its a good thing I didn't live in castle. I could hear my grandfather now..."Boy, you left the window open at the East tower! What do you think I'm trying to do, heat the outside? Climb back up those 245 stairs and shut it!")

Nudity and Sex: Howie witnesses a lot of naked people.

Huh?:

Howie is so stuck in his ways that its hard to feel sorry for him. Yeah, he's trying to rescue a child and he's certainly determined to accomplish his mission, but he's the very symbol of religious intolerance. He calls the people of Summer Isle Heathens and the like to their faces! And he's really incredulous that they don't practice Christianity. Didn't this guy ever hear about the crusades? Last time I looked citizens of Great Britain had freedom of religion. I'm not real crazy about a lot of things people do myself, but I wouldn't go into a bar and call everyone there a drunk ass bastard. That's pretty much how Howie acts.

I can't figure it. Either the school teacher is stupid or clever. They know that Howie is investigating the disappearance of Rowan Morrison. Why didn't they hide her desk?! The one empty desk in the classroom was a big freakin' clue for Howie...and you don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to see it.

Why didn't Howie use a phone or a radio to call the mainland for more help? If he thought the villagers were hiding something why not just call for more cops? Even if the villagers didn't have a phone he could use...which is unlikely, even for this place....he MUST have a radio in his sea plane!

There come a point in a lot of life's trials when you know you're just not gonna win. Its a sad fact, but its true. So when Howie was finally confronted with the horrible truth of what was going on with the villagers, why didn't he just jump off of the freaking cliff? At least then he could rob them of their sacrifice. I sure would have. No scratch that. I'D have carried a gun and even if I only had six to eight rounds that'd be six to eight villagers that would need friggin' autopsies before I bit the dust. And you know what? I've heard that policemen in Great Britain don't carry weapons....I don't know if its true or not, and I don't care. I'd have damn sure had one, at least in the sea plane. (and Howie should have carried it with him after his aborted attempt to leave.)

So much for education in this modern age. Mrs. Morrison cures her other daughter's sore throat by putting a frog in her mouth. I know kids will believe most anything, but even as a child I'd have gone beeee-zerk if my mom tried to put a frog in my mouth. You'd think an adult would see how fantastically stupid that is.

The Final Judgment: Well, this movie wasn't "shocking" as I've heard it to be. To be honest I pretty much knew what the fate of Howie would be within the first 20 or so minutes of the movie. But that doesn't mean its not a good movie. since its nearly Halloween as of this writing I'd have to suggest it for those seeking a good "halloweeny" type movie.