THE STORY: I was never a fan of the original Wild Wild West TV show. That's because I never really watched it. I'm sure it was a pretty good show, it just never got my attention. I would never have seen this remake of it except for the fact that a co-worker of mine bought a copy and loaned it to me. It turns out my co-worker had NEVER seen the movie herself....she just bought the copy to buy it. When she loaned it to me it was still unopened. Boy did she waste her money!

Jim West is an ex-soldier turned secret agent in 1860's America. This ain't your father's Jim West, either...he's black! West is teamed up with another agent, Artemus Gordon. Gordon is an inventor of sorts. Their mission? To stop some mad scientist guy named Loveless. Loveless is kidnapping scientists to help build a massive war machine thing so he can take over the good old US of A.

You know, there's a lot more detail I could add into this but I won't. Because this movie SUCKED! I can say with conviction that it should never have been made! This was one of the stupidest, most pointless flicks I've ever seen. Will Smith as Jim West? Hell, they should have just named the movie "Blazing saddles: The Sequel" since Smith's Jim West was more of a comedian than a cowboy. No gunfights, no western type stuff, just giant CGI spiders and a lame story. UGH.

Don't get me wrong....its not because Jim West was black that made this movie not work....its because the entire script was awful. If you put a million monkeys at a million word processors and let them bang away for a year they would come up with a better story than this. With a good script...and someone other than Will Smith (Wesley Snipes, maybe?) playing the lead this movie may have had a chance. I've wasted enough time on this turd of a movie.

Best Lines: "Never drum on a white lady's boobies at a big redneck dance, got it!"-West after he mistakes a woman for Artemus in disguise.

1.) Its good to see that Hollywood would cast a black guy in this role, but if they were going to do that I wish they tried to make it a little more realistic. As much as I'd like to imagine it, a black secret service against that answers only to President grant in 1869 is pushing it! The few scenes where race is mentioned is done in such a way that makes it impossible to imagine the Pre-civil war south. All of the southerners are only mildly upset by Jim West. I just found it a bit too silly.

2.) Loveless is not only legless, his body ends at what looks like right above his waist. That's just a little too much! I don't care if Loveless was the professor of Crazy Inventions and had earned five building Impossible Things doctorates at Doctor Doom's University of Mad Science, there's no way that medical science could have been that advanced in 1869!

3.) How the hell did Loveless sneak up on the President and the people at the railroad in a five story metal spider? That thing is as big as a freaking building! Its belches smoke! No one saw it until it was right on top of them? Get the [unwrite] outta here!

4.) One of Loveless henchmen is a robot or cyborg of some sort. We find that out when he fights West near the end of the movie. A cyborg...or robot...in 1869. Right.

5.) Did anyone else think of Bugs Bunny when West shows up at Loveless' hideout dressed as a female bellydancer?

NUDITY AND SEX: Salma Hayek's ass is seen. That almost makes it all worthwhile. Really.

HUH?: If West and Loveless are enemies...and they know each other...(Loveless knew who West was when they first encounter each other in the movie)...then why doesn't Loveless do something to kill him right  then? West is in HIS HOUSE! He wasn't invited to this party so why does Loveless pretty much do nothing?

West snoops around Loveless' office for some time before the men hiding in the paintings try to kill him. So, Loveless has guys that just stand there all day in these paintings in case someone tries to snoop in his office? To make it even sillier, the painting guys could have killed West a long time ago but they don't even try until West gets a clue about them.

THE TALLY: Kids will probably like this movie. I don't know if fans of westerns will....oh, scratch that...they won't. There wasn't a lot of "Wild West" in this movie. It was more like a cartoon. Since it wasn't a comedy the humor fell kind of flat. I have to admit some of West's wisecracks were kind of funny, though. Still the only reason to rent this movie is to see the lovely Salma Hayek. Wrror! I don't recommend that you rent it though, because this movie is going where it belongs.

This movie is Unforgiven for its facade of being an exciting western. For its crimes it is now banished to Big Valley of mountainous horse turds, where it will forever be stomped upon by raging three headed stallions! Not even the sight of Salma Hayek's luscious buns can overturn this decree!