Rated PG-13 Runtime: 101 minutes Release: 2005
XXX: State of the Union
The Story:
Sometimes I wonder what it takes to be an actor. I mean, some actors and actresses go to school for it, and slog their way up through crappy roles until they make the "A" or "B" list. Some of them seem to just hit a lucky break and get a role that puts them on the map. And of course some just have a kind of charm and appeal that catapults them to popularity. Oh, I'm forgetting that some of them start out as rappers and then somehow start appearing in movies....like Will Smith, who actually does have charisma and talent, even though he's been in a few flicks I thought sucked. (Wild Wild West, anyone?) Or Mark Wahlberg.....Yeah that's one I could hardly believe....Marky Mark....jeez. The list goes on from Ice-T to Queen Latifah and in the middle of it, there's Ice Cube.
I don't have anything against Ice Cube, its just that whenever I see him he has this permanent scowl on his face. Like someone just stole his TV and burned his house down and he's ready to kick someone's ass. Which I guess makes him perfect for this movie, since at least 80% of it is Ice Cube kicking people in the ass. The original XXX movie starred Vin Diesel and looked like it was trying to start up a franchise featuring that actor as an Extreme Sports/ Anarchist Thug turned Super Spy but it looks like Mr. Diesel either refused to be in the sequel or that his price was too high for the producers to afford him. Either way Ice Cube ends up as the New Agent XXX in this movie. Samuel L. Jackson returns as Guvmint Sp00k guy Gibbons and Willem Dafoe jumps in as the flicks villain, General Deckert. I'm sure neither of those guys came cheap so why didn't Vin Diesel return? Well, part of that reason may be that his character Xander Cage is killed off screen within the first 15 minutes of the movie. (So I guess he ain't coming back unless the next sequel is XXX: Attack of the Zombie Riddick-mother-F**kas.)
Gibbon's agents are being killed (including as I said the original XXX) and they all have something in common....they all served with (at the time) Captain Gibbons as Navy SEALs. Needing a new XXX to find out what's going on, Gibbons arranges a jail break for Lt. Darius Stone, a former SEAL and obviously bad-ass brother. It looks like Stone was imprisoned for disobeying orders and breaking the jaw of General George Deckert. I guess if you want to show displeasure with the chain of command the best way to do it is to punch a four star general in the face. Of course, since Deckert is played by Dafoe, its not a leap of imagination to know that he's the villain. Deckert is now the US Secretary of Defense and he's planning a coup to take over the government, but since he's a movie villain the quickest way to do this is by alerting the people you know will try to stop you by killing their companions.
Deckert's plan is one of those plans that could only work in the movies....he's used his position to gather enough of the armed forces loyal only to him and plans on offing the President of the US (and the Vice President and Secretary of State) during the Prez's State of the Union address so he'll be in charge. Yeah, like a murder like that wouldn't cause widespread pandemonium. His reasons (besides the fact that he's EEEEEEVIL) are that he disagrees with the Presidents ideas on such ridiculous concepts like trying to make peace with those countries hostile to the United States. (how'd he get to be the Secretary of Defense anyway if he's so against the president? After all the President chooses the people in his cabinet....was this guy high or something picking a fruit loop like Deckert?) Once Darius gets hip to the scheme he enlists the aid of a few thugs he knew from his days in the 'hood and they manage to get their hands on an impressive array of tanks and heavy weapons and race to the capitol in order to stop Deckert's nefarious plans. But Deckert has allies too, like Charlie, whom I would call a femme fatale, but she isn't. She tricks Darius once by pretending to be on his side, and afterwards every time we see her Darius ends up smacking her brains out. (you know, 20 years ago I don't think you'd have gotten away with a black man smacking the [unwrite] out of a blonde white woman onscreen....not that I have a problem with it, it just struck me as kind of humorous in a crazy way).
This movie is really just one long butt kicking by Ice Cube to be honest. Its like a live action slightly more violent episode of GI Joe. there aren't as many stunts in this flick like the original XXX, but that's kind of a good thing, since some of those stunts were wholly unbelievable. The conclusion of the film is way over the top, but lets face it, that's what any sane person would expect when you rent this movie. I'm waiting for XXX #3: Vanilla Ice vs the Yakuza.
Best Lines: “I told you should've killed that bitch!"- Gibbons to Darius when the new XXX displays his propensity to hit Charlie instead of just killing her.
Are you kidding me?
1.) There's no better way to set up a movie with a high degree of Suspension of Disbelief needed then to have a fantastically insane Jail Break sequence. Not only does Stone beat up about 50 military Prison guards (who unbelievably don't just shoot his ass) he leaps off of a roof and grabs the skids of a passing helicopter flown by Agent Shavers and Gibbons. There's so many reasons why an escape plan like this that it wouldn't work, I almost didn't want to bring it up. Yeah, it would be cool in maybe a video game, but once you see it you know that no matter what nothing else is going to make sense.
2.) The first time we see Charlie I seriously wrote down her name as "Cleavage" in my notes by accident. And you'll see why, because the outfit she's wearing when Darius first approaches her was made purely to show off her melons. Of course this flick is PG-13 so the tease is all your gonna get. But what the hell, if you want to see Charlie's boobies then rent Species III (which will probably make an appearance in The Inferno soon). Sunny Mabrey spends most of that movie in the buff anyway. (I ain't gonna lie, she is hot but I don't think those boobs are real)
3.) Deckert tries to get 4 star General Pettibone of the United States Marine Corps to switch over to his side.....at a party crowded with the political elite no less. This really made me laugh, because Pettibone seems completely amazed that Deckert would even think about assassinating the President and seizing control of the country. I'm amazed that a four star general in the Marine Corps wouldn't have stomped his skinny ass in the floor for considering treason. That's like asking the Pope to help you summon The Devil....did Deckert even think about this plan?
4.) Its too hard for me to not think about it when supposed heroes do things that are extremely reckless and cheer for them. When Darius has to get Agent Shavers away from some policemen, he jumps the boat he's in on some kind of ramp landing it on a bridge, squashing the police car and setting off...what else...a huge explosion. Uh, you know, those cops were only doing their job and in the real world people would have been hurt or killed. Saving Shavers wasn't really all that important at the moment and it damn sure wasn't worth risking the lives of several dozen innocent bystanders.
5.) Crazier things have happened in the world, but I seriously doubt a group of reformed thugs could drive tanks and armored vehicles through DC to the capitol (smashing cars and anything in their way) during the president's State of the Union address and not be blown to itty-bitty pieces by the large amounts of security that would surely be present. Hell, I saw President Clinton running on Fort McNair and he had about two dozen Secret Servicemen following him and visibly armed.
Nudity and Sex: None, but damn, Charlie and Lola have huge gazongas that threaten to spill out of their clothes....but sadly don't follow up on the threat.
Huh?:
How did Deckert get General Pettibone in Charlie's house alone and kill him? It's in the script I guess.
The movie tries to make you think that Deckert has killed Gibbons by blowing up his house with him in it. If you watch that scene you'll be pretty convinced that Gibbons is dead. after all, it wouldn't be too far a chance that Samuel L. Jackson wanted his character dead so he wouldn't have to be in a sequel. But alas, Gibbons isn't dead, but I wonder how Decker's lone thug got him out of the house unseen. I guess he used the same magic powers that got General Pettibone into Charlie's house.
Decker's plan revolves around having several units of the military and their equipment waiting nearby to strike. Hey, how did NO ONE notice this? Someone, somewhere would have to wonder why there's a brigades worth of men and machines waiting in DC.
Charlie must have some rock hard skin....after all Darius creams her in the face and she hits the wall from the impact....but when we see her she doesn't even have a bruise. you know, if Ice Cube hit me I'm pretty sure I'd at least have a mark on my face and I'm reasonably sure that I'm tougher than Sunny Mabrey.
You know, Prison Guard is actually a real job in the army....they're not military Policemen that happen to be assigned to the prisons. They're trained to be prison guards specifically. I guess they're training sucks since Darius beats up practically every one of them during his escape with such ease that you get the idea he could have escaped at any time he wanted.
When we hear Darius' bio, it kind of ticks me off.....I'm no longer a recruiter (Thank God) but when I was it always burned me up when people thought that the military was an option for them after they had committed several felonies. Its not.....if you have a criminal record its unlikely you'll be eligible to enlist, but if you have practically more than one arrest you're toast. (That probably will change if it hasn't since the Iraq War has made recruiting pretty difficult....trust me, I know from experience. But the rules won't change enough for someone with the following record to join....read on) Darius record includes grand theft Auto and other things, which would make it impossible for him to have joined the Navy in the first place. And even if his record was waiverable, a felony on it means you ain't gonna be a SEAL, or special forces or any kind of Elite unit member. You need a Top Secret clearance for that stuff and you won't get that with a criminal record. You can't even be a military policeman with a criminal record, even if your only crime was petty theft or smoking a joint. I can imagine that some knucklehead somewhere saw this movie and went to a recruiter thinking he can be the next XXX.....
Right after being freed from Prison, Darius tells Gibbons and Shavers that he wants what every man wants after ten years behind bars....to stuff his face with food at a diner. (He seems to have a thing for fries and milk shakes) The only way I could see that being possible is if a man were imprisoned with 25 Playboy Playmates.
The Final Judgment: Its a stupid, loud, cartoon-like violence flick, but as I said its what one would expect. you can't seriously think it was gonna be otherwise. but then again, its no more silly then some James Bond flicks, and Ice Cube at times makes me almost believe he could be a ass kicking thug like secret agent. It must be the scowl he always wears. The inferno grants XXX three Devil heads.
Starring: Ice Cube, Samuel L. Jackson, Sunny Mabrey, Willem Dafoe, Scott Speedman, Peter Strauss
Directed by: Lee Tamahori
Written by: Rich Wilkes, Simon Kinberg
