I do not like Green Eggs or

Spam!

I got a letter from my cousin the other day. Normally we keep in touch via Email, but I hadn't heard from in a while. I wondered why she was writing to me instead of just emailing me....well, the real reason, folks is spam.

I had been forced to implement so many filters on my normal email address that her letters were being bounced back. Yeah, I try to keep the filters as simple as possible, but I was getting up to fifteen spams or more a day. A lot of them were truly offensive, some of them were just plain stupid and most of them were illegal make money fast schemes. Thats one of the reasons I gave the Inferno its own mailbox....Oh, we get spammed...its only hotmail after all...but at least the majority of it is rerouted automatically to the trash, where it belongs. 

I hate Spam....the email kind, not the meat product. (Is there meat in Hormel Spam?) I really do. Its annoying, its often illegal of offensive and the rat bastards that send it are either moronic get rich quick schemers or downright criminals. To be honest I'm surprised that there's any person that falls for it. You have to use a computer to get it and I'd hope anyone with the minimum amount of brains to use a PC (or a MAC) would be too smart to fall for some of the crap I see. Unfortunately that can't be the case. I urge everyone reading this to report Spam as soon as they get it. I don't necessarily want the internet regulated by the government but I'll have a party the day the implement some good laws against spamming. Personally, I have a Pink Floyd The Wall Fantasy where I'm dressed as fascist Pink and putting spammers against a wall and shooting them. Really. If you Spam you deserve absolutely no mercy in my opinion. I can take a lot of crap, but spammers are wasting my time energy and money with their drivel. When I check any of email accounts I expect to find messages for the Inferno, or letters from friends and family. The assholes sending these solicitations don't seem to get that....and its not free for any of us who get Spam. I have to pay the Deutsch Telekom for every second my phone line is on...there are no free local calls in Germany. And I have to download my mail from the server so by spamming me these parasites are shifting the cost of delivery to me. Don't tell me I can just delete it...I know that...but I've already downloaded it. Since Spammers forge addresses I can't contact the dorks and tell them to stop mailing me. On occasion I've had some success in tracking a few spammers and getting them hosed off of their ISP's, but it irritates me that I should have to go through these lengths. (One guy actually put his real phone number on the Spam. He was very apologetic when I revealed that I now knew his name.) 

What's the answer? I don't know....perhaps if a law against spamming is put in place we'll get some relief. Lets be honest...has anyone ever offered you anything by Spam that you really wanted? And if these guys were honest wouldn't they leave a valid email address? And if these glorious products and get rich schemes (which are usually pyramid schemes and Ponzi schemes and are all illegal) were so great why would any sane person Spam thousands of people? You'd think they'd be off counting their money.  Actually the sheer number of "Make Money Fast! This program Really works!" emails should tell you something obvious...the jackass sending the mail is desperate for suckers. I'd feel sorry for the suckers, but if they fall a MMF scheme eventually they end up spamming and so they lose all sympathy.

Here a few examples of the crap I get. Now, normally my filters route this garbage to a trash folder, and every so often I'll check it just to see what the assholes have bulk mailed. Its amusing in a sick kind of way. Anyway, my comments are in red. And by the way, these are the real headers, so if you want to try and look these jerkwads up, be my guest. 

Hey, I don't have any use for a dating service, but I'm not against them. What I'm against is getting this email. First of all, I hate emails with lots of HTML in them. This one came with GIANT letters (I reduced the point size) forcing me to scroll down just to read the bull[unwrite] message. Also, I'm fairly certain that that unsubscribe button is just a dinner bell to alert the spammers that I read the letter. If the site is still up, you'll notice that there are no email links on it.

Now this next one I find particularly offensive.

Dear Friend,
(Who said I was your friend?)
You can help children around the world right now from your computer.  We at
E-zyx, a producer of
children's books, are revolutionizing the world of children's charities and
interactive children's e-literature.
We are donating ALL OF OUR PROFITS to children's charities!  But we need your
help to do it.

Most of us want to contribute and help where we can, but, all too often, we
think we don't have enough
money to really make a difference.  Well, we're here to tell you that you can
make a difference, and
we'll show you how.  Even if you don't have children, this is the perfect way
for you to help others.

Visit us at www.e-zyx.com to see how.

For as little as $1.99, you can make a difference.  Visit www.e-zyx.com right
now, and find out
how you can bless the lives of children around the world.

E-zyx has developed a revolutionary way to distribute high-quality children's
e-literature without all of the
retail mark ups.  Because of this new distribution system, we at E-zyx are able
to virtually eliminate costs
and donate ALL OF OUR PROFITS to children's charities!

Visit www.e-zyx.com right now, and discover how you can help.  You'll be glad
you did.


Thank you for your support.  To further help children around the world, please
send this e-mail to
everyone you know so they can have the opportunity to help too.  Even if you're
not interested in
supporting E-zyx and its donation program yourself, please, send this e-mail to
everyone you know so
they can have the opportunity to help.


If we have disturbed you with this e-mail, we sincerely apologize.  To let us
know that you would not like
to be informed of any further opportunities to contribute, please, respond to
this e-mail and let us know.

I visited the site sponsoring this craplet, but surprise! No Email link to be found. Not wanting to waste more of my own time with it, I didn't go any further than to run a quick whois on it and complain to various postmasters. But still, its a bit sick isn't it? If this is a legit organization then they wouldn't resort to spamming. I hope whoever dreamed this "Help the children" scam up burns in hell tonight.

At least this one didn't take long to read. I didn't visit the site though until I got to work. At first I got a 404, but after another hour or so it came up. Too bad I was at work and too busy to try and find out its host so I could complain. No matter. It was most likely a "friendly-friendly" host. I normally check web sites out that are advertised in Spam while I'm at work...for a simple reason. If the spammer's site is set up to grab my email address off of the browser they can't use it....its a ".Mil" address, I work for the government, remember? Its a federal offense to Spam my email at work and trust me if any spammer was dumb enough to Spam this place they would go after him. 

This next Spam is all HTML...Geez....

SEX-TOYS-MALL.com     for sexy and fun shopping. Contact Us:  feedback@sex-toys-mall.com    Free GIFT with every order! At Sex-Toys-Mall.com we offer you only the finest products available for worshipping one another or just yourself the way only you can. Our extensive catalog contains thousands of premium quality, distinctively unique, state-of-the-art products to meet all your intimate desires. We strive to bring you the most pleasure for your dollar. We also pride ourselves on our outstanding customer service and user friendly, sophisticated online adult sex toys store. At Sex-Toys-Mall.com, you will find the products by the names you have come to know and trust in the adult toy industry. Companies such as: Doc Johnson Hustler Penthouse Swedish Erotica Wild Fire Selection. We carry thousands of the best adult toys in our catalog for your shopping pleasure. At Sex-Toys-Mall.com you will find a large selection of:   Anal Toys Body Jewelry Dongs and Dildos Eggs, Bullets and Beads Exotic Oils and Potions Extensions and Sleeves Latex Clothing Leather and Bondage Man's Bodywear Sex Books and Videos Sex Dolls Female Sex Dolls Male Sex Kits and Massagers Sexy Fun Novelties Sexy Lingerie Toys for Her Toys for Him Vibrators Waterproof Toys Site security. We employ the latest in 128-bit encryption technology to protect you from unauthorized use of the information you are sending to our site's secure server. Your privacy. All items are shipped very discreetly in a plain brown box with a label from our parent company.

Transmissions to you by the sender of 'this' email will be stopped promptly by sending an e-mail with "REMOVE" in the subject line. Simply hit reply and send and we will remove you from our database. Please Note-This is a one time mailing.Thank you.

You know, I don't get this one. Its offensive, but here's what I don't get....wouldn't anyone with an email account and internet access that wanted a new Dong (snicker) or (Dear Lord..) A sex Doll be able to just look up their site on the web and order it? Hell, if you type DONG into a search engine you're going to get a thousand choices! Why send me an email about it? I love the one time mailing thing too...I'm betting that I'll get another one of these in the future and it won't have my email address on it either.

I'll have to edit this next one a bit because its pretty long, but I'm certain most of you have seen it before....I get at least three or four of these a week. AT LEAST.

Dear Friends,

It's really working!!! And so easy!!!Spend a minute or two here and you will find thatYOU REALLY OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO LOOK AT THIS!!!AS SEEN ON NATIONAL TV:"Making over half million dollars every 4to 5 months from your home for an investmentof only $25 U.S. Dollars expense one time"

Look familiar? Its the same tired old pyramid scheme. I'd like to point out to this jackass that I am not his friend if I ever meet him I'm going to break his fingers for the good of mankind.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$If you would like to make at least $500,000every 4 to 5 months easily and comfortably,please read the following...THEN READ ITAGAIN and AGAIN !!! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Why do these idiots think by putting lots of dollar signs on this crap makes it more appealing? I'm not even going to post the rest of this scam, as most people have probably seen it. I can only say that if anyone ever fell this crap they should have to turn their computer over to the nearest orphanage or something, because anyone gullible enough to swallow it doesn't deserve one. Oh, wait...check out the remove clause at the bottom of it:

REMOVE CLAUSE :You are receiving this e-mail because youre-mail address is included in the list ofaddresses that I bought. In case,  youdon't like to receive this letter, weapologize. Please reply us with the word“REMOVE” on the Subject Line and wewill remove your address in our list.Thank you.

I highlighted the words in  I bought in there (but the spelling and grammar mistakes are the spammers) I love that one, even though it is kind of scary...that account was open for LESS than a month and its already on Spam lists?

I get a lot of these "Fix your credit" and "Easy Loans" emails. Almost as much as the annoying MMF schemes. This one is really appalling though. First of all, if you're in a lot of debt would you trust a person that doesn't even have the balls to give you a valid email address to reach them at? If its a legit business why no contact information? (ANSWER: They're lying crooks....but all spammers are anyway, its a foregone conclusion.) 

United State Senate Document Disclosed - Exact quotes
Why are Degenerative Diseases out of control in the USA?
Degenerative diseases like: Cancer, Osteoporosis, Heart
Disease, Arthritis, Diabetes, Sickle Cell, Fibromyalgia, High Cholesterol, Muscle Cramps, Indigestion, Headaches, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Lupus, Hiatal Hernia, Hypertension and other ailments such as Allergies, Kidney Stones, and Gallstones. Along with over 150 other diseases!
See what the Worlds Top Scientist and Nobel Prize winning Doctors have to
say at: CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION! Find out what You can do about it.
Healthy people, even Athletes are at risk of loosing their good health.
Family Friendly site
Transmissions to you by the sender of 'this' email will be stopped promptly by sending an e-mail with "REMOVE" in the subject line. Simply hit reply and send and we will remove you from our database. Please Note-This is a one time mailing.Thank you.

I have no idea what this [unwrite] was about. I love the way they misspelled "losing" though. Oh, and its a one time mailing....one time too many that is. 

NOTE: THIS IS AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR LEGAL TV DE-SCRAMBLER.  IF YOU HAVE NO INTEREST IN THIS INFORMATION PLEASE CLICK DELETE NOW. THANK YOU--   LEGAL CABLE TV DE-SCRAMBLER   Want to watch Sporting Events?--Movies?--Pay-Per-View??  You can assemble from electronic store parts for about $12.00.  We Send You: E-Z To follow Assembly Instructions. E-Z To read Original Drawings. Electronic parts lists. PLUS SOMETHING NEW YOU MUST HAVE!  Something you can't do without.  THE UP-TO-DATE REPORT: USING A DESCRAMBLER LEGALLY  Warning: You should not build a TV Descrambler without reading this report first. Frequently Asked Questions--CABLE TV DESCRAMBLER  Q: Will the descrambler workon Fiber, TCI, Jarrod  A: The answer is YES.  Q: Do I need a converter box? A:This plan works with or without a converter box. Specific instructions areincluded in the plans for each!  Q: Can the cable company detect that I have thedescrambler? A: No, the signal descrambles right at the box and does not moveback through the line!  Q: Do I have to alter my existing cable system,television or VCR? A: The answer is no!  Q: Does this work with my remotecontrol? A: The answer is yes. The descrambler is  manually controlled--but veryeasy to use!  Q: Can you email me the plans? A: No the program comes with aneasy to follow picture guide.  Q: Does this work everywhere across the country?A: Yes, every where in the USA plus England, Brazil, Canada and other countries! Q: Is this deal guaranteed? A: Yes, if you are unhappy for any reason we willrefund your money.   ORDER INFORMATION   ACT WITHIN THE NEXT 14 DAYS AND RECEIVETWO FREE BONUS!!  THE CABLE MANUAL! This manual contains hard to findinformation your cable company does not want you to know. Also receive The RADARJAMMER PLANS! Never get another speeding ticket. Build you own radar jammer,this unit will jam police radar so they can't get a reading on  your vechicle.Radar jammers are legal in 48 states. It is simple to build. The FREE BONUSESALONE ARE WORTH ACTING NOW!  THE CABLE DESCRAMBLER KIT COMES WITH A THIRTY DAYMONEY BACK GUARANTEE! IF YOUR NOT COMPLETELY SATISFIED, SEND THE CABLEDESCRAMBLER KIT BACK AND YOU KEEP THE BONUSES FOR FREE. YOU HAVE NOTHING TOLOSE!!  ACT NOW! SIMPLY SEND $14.95 CHECK OR, MONEY ORDER,  OR CREDIT CARDINFORMATION TO: QUALITY RESOURCES 5399 EAST HWY C30-A #242 SEAGROVE BEACH, FL 32459  FOR CREDITCARD ORDERS FILL OUT THIS FORM AND MAIL IN, ATTENTION QUALITY RESOURCES here ismy credit card information for the amount of $14.95 for the cable descramblerkit.  ACCOUNT NUMBER____________________________________ EXP.DATE____________________ PHONE NUMBER *(REQUIRED FORPROCESSING)___________________ NAME_____________________________________________BILLING ADDRESS__________________________________________ CITY/STATE/ZIP_____________________________________  THIS INFORMATION IS SOLDFOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY! This mailing is done by an independent marketingco. We apologize if this message has reached you in error. Save the Planet, Savethe Trees! Advertise via E mail. No wasted paper! Delete with  one simplekeystroke! Less refuse in our Dumps! This is the new way of new millennium!  Ifyou would like to be removed flankara@yahoo.com

This stupid twit wants you to defraud the cable company. Asshole. Its almost funny when you begin to read it and he says "If you have no interest please hit "delete" Now". Oh, thanks for wasting my time, Mr. [unwrite] for Brains, since I have to download this to delete it. The end of it is just as irritating. They apologize if the message reached me in error? Note the "Environmental Friendly" Save the trees message. Spammers use lines like that to try to make you feel badly about trying to turn them in. Too bad I don't have any sympathy for anyone who spams. Hopefully this bastard has lost his accounts and the authorities are onto him by now. 

your remove request to be taken off will be honored.

Holy Frijoles....Manufacturing? Yeah, they did some good market research. What the hell do I have to do with manufacturing?

Received: from main.dbtank.com (<unknown.domain>[211.238.64.67])
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From: estoker623@batfly.net
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Message-ID: <000022656512$000002d3$00004fc8@mail3.batfly.net>
To: <estoker623@batfly.net>
Subject: You Won The First Round! claim#    6235 20424
Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 02:34:00 -0400
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Reply-To: pokihd44@polbox.com

You Have Won The First Round!

Claim Your Entry Now!

Collect The Prize Of The Week!

Click Here To Collect!

I'm sure I won...and so did the other thousand people unfortunate enough to get this crap. I didn't even go into the link they included. I'm sure it was just another scam. How can you win some prize you never signed up for?

I don't have an easy answer to stop spam, but I do know it won't cease until we all start complaining to the various ISPs. Its a pain in the ass, yeah, but so is finding this garbage in my inbox day after day. If only they'd let me implement some laws! If I were king for a day I'd...

- Every new email account would come with a mandatory to read and then verify that you read it message about Spam. No simple Terms of Service that most of never look at. (and spammers don't care about) Violation of the no spamming rule would come with heavy fines and loss of the email and ISP accounts.

-When you buy a computer you'd have to agree in writing to not use it to spam. Violation of this would result in the authorities confiscating the machine and giving it to a school or orphange. Then you'd get heavy fines and mandatyory community service or jail time.

-Selling bulk mail software would be illegal. Sell it and go to jail. Buy it and get fined a lot of money. Use it and go to jail for a very long time.

-Hijacking an open relay in say, Korea or China (and I get a lot of crud routed that way) would result in being extradited there and then imprisoned.

-Since MMF and MLM scams are illegal anyweay, if you spam it you lose everything! They take your computer, your car, your house...everything.

-To be somewhat lenient, and depending on the case, a three strikes rule. Do it once and claim you didn't know it was wrong, get fined. Do it twice, well you knew it was wrong then...get a bigger fine and community service shoveling [unwrite] at a farm or something. Do it three times, whammo...you go to jail, get fined and hopefully screwed by the "Tossed Salad Man" in the local prison.

Harsh? Hell yeah. I'll admit that I wouldn't want to live in a country ruled by me (Because I'd be a really mean guy on crime) but man, I'm so sick of the crap I get. Since i started putting this rant together a week ago I've recieved a lot of other really stupid spams. One was to get an international driving license, another was to enlarge your penis, (Don't need that....heeheeheee) several were for balness cures, some were to enlarge your breasts (!!) and a lot of them were for debt consolidation. (I really hate those, because they prey on people that probably need help with finances)

Remember...its your email inbox. Even if its a free service like Yahoo! or Hotmail. You pay for your internet connection and no one has the right to push advertisements on you. Especially bogus ones like 99 percent of spams are. And spammers are cowards and liars. They falsify headers specifically so they can hide from sight. Replying to a spam will most likely result in an undeliverable address and the remove functions are used to verify that you read the spam. (and you'll then be put on the "live" list of addresses to spam) Find out where the crap comes from and hold ISP's accountable for their TOS. Heck, I left AOL long time ago because it was a spammers paradise. I don't know if they've cleaned up their act, I just know it'll be cold day in hell before I use them again because of the spam.

Here's a list of links you can use to help learn how to fight Spam. Remember, its always worth it to report Spam. Maybe one day we can have email without these parasitic mental midgets.

CAUCE- Coalition Against Unsolicited Commercial Email. Theres also a link in the banner on my main page.

Nic's World of Net Abuse- Informative.

Make Money Fast Myth Page- Very informative and funny too.

Sam Spade- Download Sam Spade. Sam helps track down those pesky spammers.

Super Anti-Spam Man- Another amusing site. This guy does give a good step by step on finding spammers by using Sam Spade.

Mr. Diet Pilz- I included this link because the spammer realized the error of his ways. Reading this should give you an idea of what kind of dorks spam.

Spamcop- This is the one of the best utilities for anyone who hates spam. Spamcop automatically generates a report and where to send it. And its only $12.50 a year for full membership! Better still you can get FREE service by Spamcop that works just as well as the full membership. If you hate spam go get it, because its well worth it!

If you know of any good anti-spam sites let me know. I'll post them here.

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