Starring: Joseph Marino, Mayra Soto, Hardy Hill
Directed by: Daniel Zirilli
Written by: D. Glase Lomond, Daniel Zirilli
The Story:
I'm not a big fan of "Reality TV". I have never really watched "Survivor", only caught bits of it mostly by accident. And all the other shows that followed it, trying to ride that wave....well, I think they're kind of silly. They seem to get the most unlikable people they can find and I'm supposed to want to see this? I don't want to deal with assholes in real life, I don't need to see them when I'm trying to be entertained. That's why I knew Crossbones was going to be an ordeal. When I rented it I knew it was going to bug me in some way shape or form. And it wasn't the Reality TV aspect of the plot...it was because this movie was as stupid as hell. Direct-To-Video market, I love you.....you continuously provide me with the silliest flicks ever, and the supply is inexhaustible!
Slimy producer Martin Copeland is making a reality show on the cheap, called "Paradise Lost". Its obviously supposed to be like Survivor, if Survivor was made for about fifty bucks. To show you how cheap he's trying to make this show his entire crew consists of Gus the cameraman and Audra, his girlfriend who actually doesn't do anything but complain a few times and show off her body. (I'm not complaining about that, really). Stop me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't you need more than a guy with a handy cam to make a TV show? Especially one where you put your contestants on a Caribbean island like a bunch of castaways? Like, you know, maybe some kind of medical personnel if someone gets hurt, or does Martin have insurance that good? Also they seem to go to the island on Martin's yacht, which made me wonder isn't a Network, or studio involved in this kind of thing? You don't film a show like this unless you have someone willing to air it, and if that's the case....aw, forget it...I'm giving more thought to the plot than the writer of this pile of pig [unwrite] did.
Martin gets his contestants together and boy, what a crop of nincompoops. Scott a dumb male blond and Tris another dumb blonde in the traditional female variety. Melissa, who fills our certified Bitch requirement, Tony, who's supposed to be the hero type, and compared to everyone else he is, but that's only because everyone else is monumentally stupid, Serena, an ex-cop, and I'm not buying that for a second, and Greedy G, the gangsta rapper. A special note on Greedy G....I'm so sick of seeing characters like this guy in these low budget flicks....or big budget flicks, to be honest. He might as well have put on a minstrel show. I'm thinking about writing the NAACP and seeing if we can't hunt this guy down or burn him in effigy or something. Anyway, the group gets to the island but they don't know the secret this tropical paradise holds.
In the days of high sails, Captain Rafael "Red Blood" Rivera was one of the most bloodthirsty pirates to ever pirate. (in the start of the film we get a quick little intro to him....I especially like the part where his crew mutinies and he kills all three of them....) Red Blood was captured and imprisoned in Fort Tortuga, but a wave of Yellow Fever killed all of the guards and he escaped. Making it to a nearby island Red Blood shows how mean he is by demanding that a group of natives give up their jewels to him. This is funny because there's like ten of them. Not enough to constitute a tribe, mind you, but hell, its more guys than I'd try to rob by myself. The natives were in the middle of some kind of magic ritual (and the sacrificed some white girl during it, which I have no idea HOW SHE GOT THERE). The natives make short work of Red Blood since he has more balls than brains and curse him. But you know, its a movie curse, meaning that he'll come back to life when he gets blood dripped on him and then of course he'll be wanting the treasure he buried in a bout two and a half feet of sand on the island.
Enter our contestants in the present day. Now its bad enough that none of them are vaguely interesting, they're all annoying as hell. And we have to watch them for what seems to be at least a good half hour (It felt like a day and a half) talking into the camera and not saying a damned thing worth hearing. Seriously, just because of this part I sincerely hope that none of these people ever act again. Or that they all at least fire their agents....out of a cannon. None of the dialogue these characters are given helps the story move along, its just to show how fundamentally unlikable and stupid they are. Their collective idiocy almost overwhelmed my DVD player and made it overheat.
I shouldn't have to spell it out for you....someone (Scott) gets blood on Red Blood's body and he comes back to life and for no reason starts killing people. I mean, he's a pirate and all, but wouldn't he be a bit unnerved about coming back to life? Ok, maybe not, that happens in horror movies, but he's not even curious to who these people are even though to him they must look and dress strangely. the movie itself brought that point up when Red Blood voices his wonderment at modern technology because the yacht has no masts or sails. That's fine, but he killed Gus earlier and didn't wonder what the camera was. If Captain Kidd came to life in your living room you'd think he'd at least wonder what the TV was before cutting your throat. (Again, I'm giving more thought to the movie than the makers did) I shouldn't complain though, at least he killed these assholes thus saving me from more of their dialogue. Not that Red Blood's was any better, Long John Silver he ain't.
The end of the movie leaves room for a sequel, and I'm not going to say there won't be one. After all, Killjoy had a sequel and that's almost impossible to believe except that I've seen it. The scary thing is Killjoy II was worse than this movie. But that doesn't mean that Crossbones is any good. If you want to be scared remember....there could very well be a Crossbones II in the works. If you want a pirate movie you'd better fire up Treasure Island. If you want to feel seasick, watch this flick.
Best Lines: “Man, this is paradise.....I'm never goin' back to Jersey."- Scott when he gets to the island. And having just escaped New Jersey myself, I know how he feels.
Are you kidding me?
1.) I will never ever forgive anyone in this movie for the long ass "interview" part. Good Googly-Goo, it lasts for over five minutes.....and none of the dialogue is at all interesting, its in fact infuriating. It doesn't help that its not advancing the plot at all, its padding, pure and simple. The only thing it does help us figure out is what we knew from the beginning...that all of the characters are insufferable morons. I wouldn't go to Wal-Mart with these nincompoops, let alone a desert island.
2.) When Red Blood makes his first move against the contestants he kills Scott and sends Greedy G off running. GG falls down and knocks himself out. Please. Has anyone reading this ever fell down running and knocked themselves out? Have you ever seen anyone run, trip and knock them self out? Also, since he's a homicidal, undead killer in the grip of supernatural bloodlust, why didn't Red Blood just kill GG while he was out?
3.) There are a lot of dumb things in this movie and the characters are pretty stupid, but one of the dumbest bits has got to be when Greedy G, terrified by Red Blood produces a gun. He keeps telling the others that the pirate killed Scott but at this point they don't believe him....in fact, they think that Greedy himself may have done something to Scott. But then Tris says out loud "Maybe we should tie up Greedy until we find out what happened to Scott.". I almost fell out of my chair laughing because Greedy says what I was thinking....He has a GUN! Tris, you imbecile! What did you think, that Greedy was just going to let you tie him up when he has a freaking pistol in his hands?
4.) When Red Blood cuts Greedy's throat its the fakest blood I've ever seen. Seriously.
5.) What a bunch of knuckleheads. A little white lie can go a long way, especially when your life is threatened. Red Blood forces Serena and Tony to take him to Fort Tortuga in the inflatable raft so he can recover his treasure and commandeer Martin's yacht. Now, Red Blood has no idea how a "ship with no masts" can sail, he can't even pilot the inflatable himself. No shock there, he's never seen anything like that. But he asks the two which one of them knows how to pilot the yacht since he'll need someone to do so after he takes it over. Its obvious that he'll kill whoever says they can't, but Serena pipes up "We both can!". As soon as Red Blood asked I was thinking "tell him it would take both of you to pilot it". After all he doesn't know anything about it, what choice has he but to believe you? As expected though, as soon as Serena lets him know that either of them could navigate the yacht, he tosses Tony overboard preferring a female captive.
6.) After dispatching Red Blood Serena takes her own sweet time cleaning herself up before starting the boat and getting the hell out of there! I think if I just narrowly escaped a bloodthirsty, undead pirate that killed all of the people I was with, cleaning up would be secondary to putting a few nautical miles between me and the island.
Nudity and Sex: No nudity, but this movie has "Boob Cam". the camera focuses on the admittedly pleasant breasts of all of the female actresses. A lot.
Huh?:
Gus secretly tapes Melissa putting some moves on Martin. They sneak out of his camera range for about fives seconds and then we see Melissa leaving. you can hear Gus cursing "what did I miss?"....Gus, you didn't miss anything, 'cuz if Martin was that fast it could only be used a blooper on an x-rated movie.
Where did Greedy get that huge f***ing gun?
Red Blood sure didn't bury his treasure very deep. I would think that a one inch layer of sand wouldn't be enough to sufficiently hide it.
What the hell was that at the end? A zombie Martin? What the hell?
The natives at the beginning of the flick...the ones that curse Red Blood....well, they sure don't look like natives you'd see in the Caribbean. they look like natives you'd see in a Tarzan flick. No, scratch that...they look like a bunch of black guys dressed up for Halloween.
Speaking of black guys and gals....hey, I'm one myself....and I have to ask...why is Melissa trying to get a sun tan? How does that work?
Its been said before, but you should never make viewers think of a better movie during your crappy movie. Red Blood makes Tris crawl on all fours and squeal like a pig before he kills her. All this made me think of was "I should be watching 'Deliverance'."
Oh....and why does Red Blood carry Tris away before he kills her? He kills everyone else right where they stand.
The Final Judgment: This flick was awful! It only gets Pieces of "Hate" from the inferno.
The Infernal Admiralty now sentences Crossbones to hang by the highest yard arm in the Infernal Port! Its an insult to real pirates everywhere!
