THE STORY: In my review of Barb Wire I pretty much bitched my ass off about the talentless hack, Pamela Anderson. Well, I might have to cut her some slack. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery then Anna Nicole Smith really likes ol' Pamela. Smith's only and I mean ONLY talent shown in this movie is removing her top. What makes it really vile is that its not sexy at all. I'm going to go out on a limb here....yes, Smith is a pretty woman...but she's not all that and a bag of chips. Yes, Smith has enormous...and I'm talking truly gargantuan boobies...but they're so big they're ridiculous. (I never thought I'd ever say that about any boobies, but here it is) The sad part is that Smith couldn't act her way out of a kindergarten play. At least if she had some actual talent behind her rack I might have been slightly impressed. With this one [unwrite]fest of a movie, Anna Nicole Smith has become a runner-up to take the place of my arch-nemesis Maria Ford.*

Lets get down to business. This ain't even gonna take long, because I have no intention of wasting a millisecond more than is needed to get this done with. Smith is Carrie Wisk, wife of police officer Gordon "Gordy" Wisk. She's a helicopter pilot working for a transport service in LA.

Through a few plot contrivances and really long and pointless scenes of disjointed violence she becomes trapped in a skyscraper office building with a group of crooks led by Fairfax. Nothing else really matters. The crooks want some computer doohickey but why and what it does is NEVER EXPLAINED! I get the idea that the writers thought that not telling us what the thing is was "clever" and "artistic". No, sorry, boys. It was just pathetic. It becomes painfully obvious that no answers are forthcoming halfway through the movie. No character in it is defined at all.

All we ever find out about Carrie is that she flies helicopters, has big tits and wants a baby. Oh, and she's from Texas. (Even though her accent doesn't match anyone from Texas that I know...but truth be told, Smith is from Texas!) That's it. Its also the best you'll see because the other characters are just there. Fairfax, as the chief villain is just evil. He's not even entertaining evil or interesting evil. Hell, he's not even dangerous evil. He's more like Boris Badinov evil.

So what do you think happens? Anything you can think up will be more interesting then the truth. Suffice it to say that Carrie wins the day at the end. That's it.

I am so pissed at this movie. There was absolutely nothing in it worth watching. Who gives a [unwrite] about Smith's tits? If I wanna see boobs I can surely find them IN REAL life or in a better movie. (and Smith's tits aren't REAL) If I want to see a good movie I can surely find one in REAL life...because a better movie would be almost anything!!! Don't waste you're time with this crap. there's not enough action or suspense to make it worth the while for action fans and if you're that hard up for naked boobs take a really cold shower. You'll save yourself a few bucks that way.

Best Lines: "Well excuse me for still believin' in Sunday walks in the park and little babies!"- Carrie gets angry at Gordy for not wanting to raise a child in this world. You simply have to see this scene to witness Anna Nicole Smith's ATROCIOUS acting. I mean you can see her trying to act...the same way you might see a penguin trying to fly. It just ain't gonna happen!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:

1.) DAMMIT! Why do movies always have bad guys with the dumbest ideas! Why would anyone stage a meeting to buy something from criminals...something that can "change the balance of power" on the planet...in A [unwrite]IN' ALLEY IN LA? For Christ's sakes, didn't the word "setup" occur to anyone? When the big giant product placement Bud Light truck pulled up I was laughing. It might as well have just said "Thugs for hire inside" instead of  a beer logo!

2.) You know, I try not to harp on the use of firearms too much in these cheapo flicks, but man, the Foley artist used the same "rat-a-tat-tat" sound for every automatic weapon used in the gunfight. An Uzi sounds different from an M-16, dear. I won't even go into the poses that the characters strike as they fire. Trust me...they wouldn't hit the ground if not for gravity!

3.) Oh, right....now for the moment I'll overlook Dr. Freex's well made rule about sex in the beginning of a movie...'cuz the fact that Anna Nicole Smith's tits are in this flick its kind of non-applicable...but is there a rule about stupid phone calls? While making love Gordy's pager goes off. He calls a number has a three second conversation, hangs up and then explains that he has to go because of a shootout or something downtown! You have to see this to get the full gist on it....he wasn't on the phone long enough to order a pizza! Give me a break. Cop or not, an important call like that is going to take more time than he took! (But we all know this scene was only to show Smith in the buff.)

4.) There's a fairly direct rip-off of Die-Hard in this movie when Carrie, hanging by a rope swings into a window and then has to unbuckle her harness as the anchor mechanism falls to the ground. Actually the entire movie is a Die-Hard rip-off.

5.) When Carrie and Wright find that the bad guys have hostages in the building she says "We can't just leave 'em there." Ummm...why not, Batgirl? Carrie sure as [unwrite] left that one guy in the elevator to get killed in her PLACE!

6.) This movie is piss poor. Dig it, the scene where one of the mercenaries is about to rape or in the act of raping Carrie is just plain bad. Rape is a serious crime and it shouldn't be thrown in just to make the bad guys look bad...we should already know that they're bad without it. Problem one with the scene....Carrie doesn't seem scared, shaken or even defiant. she's just there. That's more to do with a bad script and Smith's awful acting. (I can't tell you enough how BAD her acting is) Problem two is we can clearly see Smith's underwear is still on while she's supposedly being sodomized. There's two probs with that actually. The bad acting and that her underwear is still on.  Add to that, as I said, rape is a SERIOUS subject. Here it was just thrown in as trashy excuse to show Smith's knockers again. Hey, I like boobies as much as the next guy, but this is a little too trashy. Of course she's perfectly fine afterwards....kind of a slap in the face for any woman that's suffered a rape. Stupid ass movie.

7.) The showdown between Fairfax and Carrie is laughable. At no other point in the movie does she seem formidable in any respect yet she easily kicks Fairfax in the ass with the absolute slowest moves in movie history. seriously. If George Burns were still alive he could have moved out of the way of her blows. Speaking of blows...that's what this movie does.

NUDITY AND SEX:  Lots of scenes showing Anna Nicole smith's chest.

HUH?: Gordy needs a lift to a crime scene from Carrie because he left his car at the police station. Someone gave him a ride home. First, WHY did he accept a ride home if his car was at the station? Didn't he think having a car at his disposal might be kinda useful? Secondly, the next thing we see is Carrie flying him to his destination in the helicopter. So unless she keeps a company chopper in the closet how'd they get to the airport or copter house or whatever? In a car? Then why didn't she just freakin' give him the keys or drive him where he needed to go! Who wrote this?

Apparently Zi-Tech got their monitors and security equipment from Atari. Man, it looks pitiful. Laughable actually.

Wow! Carrie must have left the poor shmuck in the elevator on purpose and the mercenaries, thinking she was in the elevator killed him. I say wow because Carrie obviously said "[unwrite] this guy. I'm covering my own ass!" For such a stupid movie that's pretty realistic, if not heroic! ( Most of us would have acted the same way.)

In a flashback we see Gordy teaching Carrie how to fire a pistol. He tells her, and correctly, to pull the trigger with the tip of her finger. When she fires at the assembled bottles however her entire finger is over the trigger. She also flawlessly hits every bottle. Her reason for that? She's from Texas. Hmmmm.So that means everyone in Texas is a crack shot?

This movie went from bad to simply retarded. I can't even stand it. Once Fairfax started blasting at the firefighters and helicopters circling the building, there would be no escape. I don't give a rats ass about the movie's excuse on how impervious the building is. That makes absolutely no sense anyway. think about it....what corporation would want a building in downtown LA that was impenetrable to the fire department and the police? (Like any city would approve of such a building) It gets stupider though....like I said once Fairfax started blowing [unwrite] up every cop in the area would be there. The National Guard...the FBI. ATF agents...the freakin' Boy Scouts...everyone would be on him in a second!

THE FINAL JUDGMENT: Definitely a movie that should be avoided. It wasn't even bad enough to be funny. That's the true fault of any cheesey flick. Enough of this....its time to stoke up the flames...

Naked we come into this world and naked we shall leave it....this movie, stripped of whatever facades it had stands naked before us...and even though its boobs are bountiful it is found wanting. So into the pit of false broads with cartoon like silicon implants it shall go...to be tormented for all time by the itty-bitty-titty committee of demons!

*A quick search on the internet gave a few fun facts about Anna Nicole Smith. Her real name is Vickie Lynn Hogan, and she was, of course a nude model and a playboy playmate. The funniest fact that I read though, was that she had or still has maybe, aspirations to be the new Marilyn Monroe! (Monroe being an idol of hers) Woo-hoo! I almost cracked up after reading that because her acting is far, far below bad. I'll give credit where credit is due, Smith is good looking in a fake kind of way, but the next Marilyn Monroe! I'd really like to be the next Monet but I know I can't paint that well! The mind reels that Smith thought that she could act when she simply just can't! Suprisingly there are a lot fan sites out there for her. I guess big boobs are more popular than I thought!