Ther Infernal Mailbox

Hello there,
In your review for Mirror Mirror you asked if anyone knew if Rainbow Harvest had been in any other movies. The only other movie I know of that she has been in is a movie that I personally love, called Old Enough. She plays a "wrong-side-of-the-tracks" kind of girl who befriends a rich girl named Lonnie. Best line: after Rainbow (can't remember her character's name at the moment) and Lonnie have gone to confession for stealing from a store, Lonnie tells Rainbow that not only
is she not Catholic (horrors), but she also didn't confess to the priest because he creeped her out. The conversation goes something like this; Rainbow: "You're gonna burn." Lonnie: "What do mean burn?" Rainbow: "In the pit of fire." Lonnie: "In the pit of fire?! You mean just because I didn't tell a guy what we did??"

I strongly recommend seeking it out; it's pretty hard to find, but I really liked it, even though it might sound stupid.

Besides that, your site is great. Don't worry about offending women by giving Sorority House Massacre 2 a good review; I'm one and I loved the movie. I own it on VHS, and am soon going out to buy it on DVD. Interesting tidbit about the film: the flashback scenes of Hockstatter
slaughtering his family are from the first Slumber Party Massacre, another must-see in my book. Also, all killers in the Slumber Party Massacre movies are unrelated, so you're not missing any common thread between them.

As for recommendations, I would love to see more obscure horror flicks added to your site, god-awful stuff like Trick or Treats, Pieces, House on Sorority Row, etc. I'm a slasher fanatic, obviously. Other great ones to see would be:

Shock (aka Beyond the Door 2)
any Argento or Fulci flick
Possession
Torso
Motel Hell
Mountaintop Motel Massacre
Slaughterhouse
Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things
Alice Sweet Alice
Tourist Trap
Shivers

Before this letter gets torturously long I must say a few more things:both Demons and Bloodsucking Freaks are available just about anywhere onVHS and DVD, both in uncut form; Demons released by Anchor Bay (VHS is 15 bucks) and Bloodsucking Freaks released by our good friends Troma
(VHS is 10 bucks; DVD is about $17.99); both are recommended. And that guy who wrote bitching at you for criticizing actors and directors (which is sort of required to review movies) is probably the pissed off director of "Megaforce" or "Howling: New Moon Rising" *LOL*

Hope I was some help to you :).

-Leah-

I never did find out or hear from that guy. I know that the director of Masters of The Universe wrote bitchin' letters to Andrew at Badmovies.org and the B-Movies Mailing List (Now Cold Fusion Reviews). I'd like to review some of the movies you pointed out. Its a matter of finding them here. Heres a little tidbit though...I've seen Slaughterhouse about four times and each time I wrote a review for it. And Each time my computer crashed! I think Slaughterhouse has some kind of magic curse keeping it out of the Inferno.

Hi Dante

This is Jon. You know the one who told all that info about the Darkmant.v. show.
I am sorry that I have not been able to talk to you all that much. My computer had one of it's temper tantrums so I had to wait awhile, but now I am back. So I hope that you had a happy holiday and a good New Year.

Now on to the information. First about that movie Alien Force. The local video store manager said that he did not know the name of the company that released it. If you are still interested in reviewing it for the Inferno, here's what to look for: the cover of the video box will have some buff guy with sunglasses on, holding a gun( the gun lookshigh tech), on the back there are assorted pictures including one that shows said buff guy fighting some cheesey looking alien. That's about all that I have to go on. Sorry about that. Secondly, I am not sure if you were aware of this so I will tell you: at the end of the first Darkman movie, the guy who turns and looks at the camera before it fades
to the credits is Bruce Campbell. You may have recognized him because he was in a movie called the Evil Dead. I think that you reviewed a movie called army of darkness, and he was in that. He played Ash. Darkman, the Evil Dead, and army of darkness were all directed by the same by the
Same guy, Sam Raimi. Did you know that he is directing the upcoming Spider-Man movie? Thirdly, have you ever heard of a horror movie called Jack Frost, about a killer snowman? I rented it the other night and it should be put into the lowest depths of the inferno. IT SUCKS!! Well, I
have gotta go but before I go Iwas wondering about a couple of things:

Why in the world would Ilsa, She wolf of the ss be released on dvd? Do you enjoy your knew dvd player?

Well, my parents say hi. Please respond as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Jon

Thanks for the letter Jon, and for the information. I had no idea that Bruce Campbell was the disguise of Darkman. I've never seen Evil Dead or any of those movies though. Jack Frost though....yeah, I've seen it. Perhaps one day it will be featured in the Inferno. Also, I do enjoy my DVD player....I just can't get over the fact that Ilsa is on DVD!

Well, depending on who you are cats are very scary. If you're allergic to them they must be very frightening. Otherwise they are indeed very un-frightening.

The Mud Puppy,
Gavin R.R. Smith

I've only seen one scary cat in my life. I was housesitting for a friend but she didn't tell me she owned the cat from Pet Sematary. This mangy critter had one eye, one ear and three legs. Scared the crap outta me.

I just read your review of Starship Troopers, and, as a former infantry officer, I agreed with everything you said. One thing that you missed: Why wan't Zim (the drill sergeant) court martialed for throwing a knife through the recruit's hand? He could have crippled the recruit, and the army don't take too kindly to things like that. (When I was a training officer at Ft Dix in 68, there was an incident where a drill sergeant's stupidity seriously injured a couple of trainees -- they came down on him like the proverbial ton of bricks.)

Of course, the people running the military of the future are idiots. As you point out, when the fleet is orbiting the planet, the ships are too close together, so that we see one get hit and crash into another one. I could see the mistake of having them bunched up made once, but it's made twice! I hope that the admiral, his staff, and every single ship's captain would be relieved of duty for gross stupidity. One of the first things they taught us in "how to run a combat patrol" is "don't get bunched up".

Most of all, I was annoyed because the infantry weapons SIMPLY DON'T WORK! Have they forgotten how to make explosive bullets and RPGs? A supply of LAWs would certainly have been a great help, along with M-79 grenade launchers. I saw exactly one heavy machine gun. I saw no tanks, and only a couple of ground support aircraft.

And it's quite obvious that the bug planets are not exactly pieces of prime real estate. So why don't they just nuke them till they glow? Or, if they want to take over the bug planets, a few thousand tons of VX or possibly even DDT and no more bugs.

If everyone on the internet reading this and put their heads together we could probably come up with a book filled with things that were stupid in Starship troopers. Hmmmm....maybe the minions of Jabootu will post the 10+ things they hated about this movie...

I was perusing your site, which is damn amusing and actually gave me ideas for some fun films to rent when I came across two films based on the works of one of my favourite authors. Okay, they were shameless, bastardized ripoffs, but that's kinda plagued this author's works ever since someone had the bad idea of trying to translate his -very- unusual style to film.

The author is a fellow by the name of Howard Phillips Lovecraft, you can hit:http://www.hplovecraft.com/ to find out about him. But the part that's germaine to your site involves Cthulhu Mansion and The Curse. The titular 'Cthulhu' (who never appears in the movie or is even referenced) is prolly HP Lovecraft's most famous creation. Basically a humongous
human/squid/dragon/alien godlike ancient being so horrific, alien, and incomprehensible that to even look upon him is to go screamingly insane *whew*. Lovecraft built up a whole pantheon of nasties while maintaining very- high literary standards and stylistic flourishes most modern horror writers will say influenced them (HPL wrote in the 20s and 30s, mostly). Just a few f'r instances...Robert Bloch, guy who wrote Psycho, was a protoge' of HPL, and authors like Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Brian
Lumley, and a lot of others freely sing his praises.

So that's who Cthulhu is, and no, we get totally gypped in that film. Now the fun bit about The Curse is, is it an -uncredited- ripoff. It's bucking for a lawsuit pretty hard, too. I've never seen any 'based
on' credits in that sucker, but correct me if I'm wrong. But it's based on a short story called 'The Colour Out of Space'. In that story, glowing rock meets farm, dissolves, plants and local animals go crazy and weird, family starts to slowly go insane and mutate, and horror ensues. Very atmospheric stuff that was totally ripped off in The Curse, and badly.

Just some background info I thought you might want to hear. My wifeand I have been considering a movie site ourselves, when we have a little time to do more basic design, and a -lot- of films have been based on HPL's works, most pretty badly done. His stuff just doesn't translate too well, but on the plus side, they often inevitably star Jeffrey Coombs for some reason...
Short list (what I can think of, offhand) of movies based more-or-less directly on or inspired by his works:

Re-Animator
The Unnamable
The Curse
From Beyond
The Dunwich Horror
Die Monster, Die!
The Resurrected
Necronomicon: Book of the Dead
In the Mouth of Madness

There are more, but I'm too damn lazy to check right now. Also, anytime anyone in any movie *coughEvilDead* mentions 'The Necronomicon...that's a book HPL made up. Yeah, I'm a huge fan of the guy, and he isn't as obscure as you'd think. He's been in print pretty constantly since about
1950 or so. So, enjoy your trivia, and again, damn amusing site.

I've never read any Lovecraft and its a shame that no *good* movies have been made from his stories. At least that I know of. Because they sound pretty cool. If you get your site up let me know!

Dante:

How about when someone is being chased by a car, they run right down the middle of the road.

I mean if someone was chasing me with a car. I head down an alley or off into the trees or something.

Pat Baker

You know that always freaks me out! Theres no explanation for it, but its like the same thing when people run into an attic or someplace they can't escape from while being chased.

If you haven't been told several times already, Blonde Jerk Guy *is* one of the kids in Home Improvement-- the oldest one, though damn me if I could tell you his name...

Brandi

My husband and I have been scuba diving for two years, and ever since I took my first class, it has pissed me off more and more when I see or hear about a movie showing decompression sickness resulting in bodily explosions. Decompression sickness, or aeroembolism, or the bends, as it's most widely known as, does not cause your body to explode. This was a bone of contention in the movie "Sphere", as well, that I was very glad to see was taken to task by Jabootu's faithful minions. In essence, the deeper you go into the water, as most people know, the higher the water pressure. This pressure makes your body store more and more nitrogen, as it is the gas that your body has the hardest time dealing with and disposing of (the easiest, obviously, being oxygen...I'm really not trying to treat you like a moron, I'm just covering all my bases so I can keep on track - I have a tendency to meander when explaining things...see? I just did it). With more pressure outside the body, your body cannot release nitrogen properly, which is the cause of nitrogen narcosis, or rapture of the deep (a phenomenon that causes the diver to become "high" on nitrogen, and feel drunk - many divers have lost their judgement and their lives due to not recognizing the signs. It's easily dealt with by simply swimming up a few feet until the drunken feeling wears off, then trying again - eventually, your body will become acclimatized and you can resume diving without the "high"). However, if done properly, the human body can, and has, been able to go hundreds of feet under the water and be properly pressurized to stay there for long periods of time. When it's time to come up, however, your rate of ascent must be much, much slower than your rate of descent. You see, it's easier for your body to build up the nitrogen under the pressure than it is to release it as the pressure gets lighter. It's recommended for divers to follow their slowest bubble when coming to the surface. If they've been particularly deep, or stayed down longer than the recommended time, then a decompression, or safety, stop or two is needed. This requires stopping about 10 feet from the surface (it's actually the first, and last, 10 feet of a dive that are the most dangerous - going in, the water pressure doubles in just the first 10 feet, and coming to the surface too fast can actually cause some divers to experience shallow water blackout from the sudden lapse in water pressure) and waiting for about 10-15 minutes. If you've been down deeper or longer, then a first safety stop at around 20 feet before the second at the 10-foot mark is highly recommended. Anyway, should you come up too fast, without a decompression stop, the nitrogen in your body cannot release itself properly (as I said before, it takes longer to release it than to build it up) and the lack of pressure on the body causes the nitrogen to create tiny gas bubbles in the bodily tissues and bloodstream. Now, the symptoms for the bends won't be truly recognized until the last few feet, and for some people, the signs don't appear for a day or two, depending on the severity. The bends starts as a slight ache, usually in a joint, where the nitrogen gets caught in the bend and can't release. This may last for an hour or two, getting more and more severe as time goes on, eventually becoming so crippling, the individual may develop problems breathing. This is a truly agonizing and horribly painful experience, and, if left too long, can actually be fatal, but there is NO EXPLODING. This pisses me off whenever someone is shown exploding, or someone who should know better (think "Sphere") tells others they'll explode without decompression. That is bull[unwrite]. Your body will not explode. Not even if you drink Coke and eat Pop Rocks before you come up. Please, please, please, for the love of God, share this information with other movie-lovers. I swear I'm gonna scream and attack the screen the next time I see a body exploding from the bends.

But...But that kid from the Life Cereal commercials died from eating pop rocks and drinking coke! (Just kidding) Thanks for the detailed explanation on the bends. I never thought about before but if people really did explode in that matter we'd have heard about it on the news by now. Geez, I guess Elvis might REALLY be dead! And heres what Kelly really thinks of Victor Frankenstien....

I wrote earlier detailing exactly why decompression scenes in movies piss me off royally, and I was surfing thru your site when I came across your Frankenstein review. Having never scene Branagh's version, I had to rely on what you explained of the plot, and from what you've said, that movie actually follows the book more than any other version I've heard of. The book does, indeed, start with the captain finding Victor on the iceberg. The entire story is told in flashback, ending with the monster opting to die like his dead master, lumbering away into the ice and snow. The monster in the book is exactly as you described De Niro playing him, as well. He is, in fact, an intelligent being, with common sense, a need for companionship, and a vocabulary, something that the earlier movies seemed to ignore. He also was not a lumbering, ignorant giant - he was a large man, so as to make the operation easier, but he was not a lumbering imbecile. I'm happy to hear that they didn't portray him as the idiotic, ruthless, arms-outstretched, grunting monster that others have portrayed him as. He did learn to read and write and speak thru spying on the farming family, and helped them with chores. When he heard them bless the unknown saviour who helped them in the night, he believed he'd been accepted and appeared to them, only to be reviled, violently, as a monster.

The only issue I have with your review is how you said you didn't believe that Victor Frankenstein would just give up after a few minutes, and then be a real dumb wussy thru the rest of the story. Well, guess what?? In the book, Victor Frankenstein was a conceited, egotistical, self-involved prick. He cared for his creation only until it was finished, then, when he finally had to face up to the results of his madness and accept responsibility for what he'd done, he tried to ignore and deny it, the arrogant, little pantywaist. He denied any responsibility for the creature, and spent the entire book calling his creation "evil", "monstrous", and "heartless." If you ask me, Victor was the rotten one - he created the creature out of nothing more noble than a selfish need to defy death and prove that he was brilliant enough to do it (I'm not playing psychologist here, either, Victor as much as proclaims himself genius of the world when he's working on his creation). Then, when he finally came out of outer space, or wherever the hell he was during his loony turn, he took one look at his creation after zapping him to life, decided it was too hideous to live, and stumbled off in a stupor. [unwrite]ing idiot!! The only reason the creature did any of the violent things he did was because others attacked him first, or because Victor denied him the one and only thing that he craved most - companionship. Would it really have been so hard, having already [unwrite]ed around with nature, anyway, to create another being for his progeny?? He claimed he couldn't "be brought to create another like him", for fear that they would mate and create more of their kind. What???? If he's such a brilliant mind, could he not have made a sterile companion for his creature (who, I need not tell you, Victor does not even bother to give a name!! Not even a NAME!! Even pets get names!!)??? All his creation wanted was a companion, but suddenly Victor believes that he owes it to the world to keep another such as the monster from living. Yeah, right, like suddenly he knows what's right and wrong. He simply has his arrogance staring him in the face and demanding that he not only take responsibility for playing God and creating him, but to do something about it. But nooooo, not the prissy, little brainiac, Victor Frankenstein!! If Victor hadn't been such a selfish, conniving, whining little asswipe, Elizabeth never would have died, and neither would have anyone else. As you can see, I had no love for Victor Frankenstein after reading the book. Read it, and see if you don't agree with me...rotten, snotty, heartless, little twerp...

Hi!

A bit late on this, but I wanted to tell you that you saved me several bucks! See, I was thinking of renting "Diplomatic Siege", until I read your review. Glad I was slow on renting that one (BTW, the link to it isn't working now.)

In your review of "Prison Heat", you said, "I'm fairly certain that any Turk that watches it will be outraged. Not one Turkish character was portrayed with any redeeming features." Well, I have a possible answer as to why the Turks in the movie were depicted so savagely. You see, the movie wasn't made by Americans, it was actually made by a studio in Israel - and as you know, relationships between Arabs and Jews in the mid-east aren't exactly pleasant....

Oh, it was interesting that you thought "Goliath Awaits" wasn't bad, since you've said before how you don't like made-for-tv movies. Yes, this movie was originally made for TV!

Greywizard

If I can save only a few people from wasting money on a movie they're probably going to hate, my work is done! As for Prison Heat, its pretty funny how the turks are made to be so all consumingly evil. I mean, I've met some turkish people and none of them seem evil to me at all! (But the chicks were hot!) I stand by my comment that I don't really like made for TV movies, but theres an exception to every rule. Goliath Awaits wasn't a bad movie, but I would never have rented it if the box told the true story.

HOW ABOUT CREEPY LITTLE KIDS, WHO ALWAYS WEAR THOSE SCARY JAPANESE KID SHORTS WHO ALWAYS KNOW MORE THAN THE MOST INTELLGENT SCIENTISTS DO IN ANY GAMERA
OR GODZILLA MOVIES.
2. WHY IN THE FRIDAY THE 13TH MOVIES DO PEOPLE GO CAMPING WHERE A BUNCH OF
PEOPLE GOT KILLED , AND AHOP IN THE SACK MEANS INSTANT DEATH.

Greetings!

Thanks for turning me on to another Kathy Long flick -- I will commence searching for "Stranger" immediately. I first encountered Kathy in "Knights" (yah, yah, it's an Albert Pyun movie,
but Kathy Long kicked magnum butt). You noted the difference between her style and Cynthia Rothrock's. Rothrock is a Kung Fu *artist* whereas Long came to the screen after being an international kickboxing champion. Kathy Long was not only a champion, she was downright feared by her opponents. Bill "Superfoot" Wallace had derided women's kickboxing as not really a
tough sport worthy of the name "martial arts". Until he met Kathy Long -- she changed his mind.
I like Cynthia's style, but she can't match Long for practicality & sheer efficiency. Kathy's moves are short-range, very fast, and very effective. If you haven't seen Knights, I would highly recommend it for butt-kicking value (unless you're one of those who just hates Pyun too much). Long's brutal death-march through an enemy army camp positively gave me a woody.

So now I'm off to find "Stranger" -- I just *looove* to watch Kathy Long kick ass...

Meanwhile, have fun!

Recently I saw Long on a sports show demonstrating her feirce fighting skills. she even told a story of how a rapist attacked her and she handed him his head. I with you, Bruce....I'm an instant fan of Long's now! I hope you can find a copy of the Stranger and I'll go look for a copy of Knights in the near future! Hey, folks, be sure to visit Bruce's site at www.cathuria.com/bcd.

You mention in your review of "The Stranger" that you remember actor Eric Pierpoint from an episode of Deep Space Nine. You may also have see him in the TV series Alien Nation a few years back. Pierpoint played the alien detctive George Francisco (the character played by Mandy Patinkin
in the Alien Nation movie.

As for your problem with the German phone company, I suspect that they may be getting technical assistance from Ameritech in Wisconsin, who ended up leaving a large area around Milwaukee without phone service for a week or more.

Great batch of reviews this week. Nice to see you review A Soldier's Story. I saw it in the theater when it first came out, and it impressed me a lot too.

Take care.

Thanks for the tip about Mr. Peirpoint! As for the german phone company I'm soon going to change ISP's with a german company thats being sponsored at the PX. It sucks that I have to do so, but thats life....I can only stay online for a few scant minutes a day to keep my bill down, and so you can imagine calling the US in out for awhile. Makes me sad, since my wife is away for a few weeks and I have absolutely no one to talk to! :( Oh, and "A Soldier's Story" is a favorite of mine and doesn't belong in the Inferno really...but I like to throw in a truly good movie from time to time!

Hey.

'Hope your car troubles are over or at least manageable.

By the way my name is Al. I forgot to mention that last time, I think.

I have yet to find Savage Instinct, but I just watched Bloodsucking Freaksand Demons again for the first time in about five years. have you seen thesetwo?

If you think of any others I might enjoy, please feel free to suggest them.
Thanks.

ALG

I haven't seen either of those movies...I can't find them, but i'll try to see if a copy can be mailed to me from the staes. As for movies you might like I dunno...you can check out Neon Maniacs...its a cheapo horror flick that amused me a great deal. (it was one of the first on this site.) If I can think of anymore I'll let ya know, but it'll help if you tell me what kind of movies you like.

No, but then I've never baked a [unwrite]ing cake either, but I can tell if one tastes like [unwrite].

No, I don't want to be Siskel and Ebert. First, one of them is dead, and secondly if I wanted to be a professional critic I'd be getting paid for this. What kind of message is this? Are you asking a legit question or are you trying to cheese me off? The latter would be pointless. If my site annoys you, just don't go there. I do this [unwrite] for fun. What do you do for fun? Write little snide emails to people about things you'd never say things to their face?

Tell me...didn't you feel even just a little pleasure when the gym teacher
got killed while bouncing on the trampoline?

Well, I got a little pleasure from it.My old gym teacher was a class-a jerk, himself. I wouldn't have killed him though. (Hmmmm...maybe I would have...I was a bit of a psycho when I was a teenager.)

You pretty much hit the nail on the head with your review of Stryker, but there's one bit that always baffles me that you didn't mention. When Stryker and Cardiis face off, Cardiis kicks Stryker's ass for most of the fight. Sure, Cardiis has his hook hand and all, and he might have been a
real bad-ass, but look at him! He's a skinny old fart! Stryker is freakin' huge! One blow from Stryker's bowling-ball sized fists should have folded Cardiis like a card table. Oh, well. I guess it's just a stupid movie. Even so, I always hate it when wimpy bad guys can fight successfully against
super-buff good guys. I hate it even worse when scrawny good guys can beat
up gigantic bad guys. Keep up the good work! Adieu.

Bowling ball sized fists! Hahaha! That cracked me up. Remember the final fight in commando between Arnold schwarzennegger and that old fat guy? Yeah, like that guy could beat Arnold up. Back in the eighties arnold had more muscle tissue in his pinky finger than most of us have in our entire bodies!

Dante-

TV movies suck now more than ever. A few networks, especially NBC, like to pretend these two day crapfest are event movies. Like you wouldn't dare to miss Ted Danson in Gulliver's Travels. Or Martin Short as some damn guy in some damn stupid movie. Watch out for those as well.

You do great reviews! While you're overseas, you should check out some of the cheesy euro horror to review. Some of it, like the Blind Dead series, and Argento's stuff, has an American following. I'd love to see how you review it. Plus I enjoy your military take on the plotlines. I work in a medical lab and sometimes laugh until I choke on the popcorn about how they screw with science to enhance (or detract) the story. For God's sake, at least get the organs in the right places! Keep up the good work.

Thanks for the letter! The hardestpart about finding movies here on the local economy is a matter of compatibility. The german VHS tapes don't run on american VCR's and besides that they're in german. As for the military plot holes, they're easy to pick out most of the time. What cheeses me off is that the mistakes I see a lot are things that can be easily fixed with dialogue or a trip to the army/navy surplus store. If you see any movies where they amke giant mistakes in medicine, let me know!

I just saw HOLLOW MAN and i have some miltary questions you might know 1.In a
top secret place on a big Groverment thing wouldn,t they have more than two
rent- a -cops ???? I only saw two guys ??? underground there was no sec ,No
army or marines . I THINK A PLACE LIKE THAT WOULD BE CRAULING WITH SEC
PEOPLE DON,T YOU OH WELL THANKS FOR YOUR TIME

I haven't seen the Hollow Man, so its hard to comment on what kind of security is seen in the movie. But remember, that more often thatn not security guards in movies are just labeled under "cannon fodder.".

Dear Dante,
While I was reading my letter to you in the Letters section, I noticed your comment about Hollywood remaking and screwing up the Six Million Dollar Man. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the Farrelly (I'm probably mispelling their last name) brothers, who are responsible for There's Something About Mary, are planning on making a remake. However, they want to make it more humorous by having Steve Austin compete against a more expensive rival. Let's hope that they either don't screw up or don't make it at all.

This bodes ill, my friend....Man, why is Hollywood doing this to us? Steve Austin was cool back in the 70's! Why make a "funny" movie about the 6 million dollar man? Whats next? A serious Gomer Pyle remake?

Dear Dante,

Love your site, though there are so many bad movies out there. Be glad to
contribute a few of my own if you want.

Feel free to submit any movie you feel needs to be judged, including what you think the movie rates. I'll be sure to give you full credit.

Wilsonstone,

I originally visited imdb.com in hopes of telling you that Parker Stevenson was big-haired Spider-Man from the TV series, but he's not so cool as that. He was a Hardy Boy on that TV series, as well as the nerdy old lifeguard on Baywatch. Damn, I thought I had one there. (Big-haired Spider-Man was named Nicholas Hammond as it turns out.) Audie England was Princess Kitana on the Mortal Kombat TV series, appeared on Xena once and get this: FIVE appearances on Red Shoe Diaries! So you must've seen her nude at least once. That Rick Springfield cartoon sounds really familiar too, but I can't place it yet.If you want to look up filmographies or cast lists the Internet MovieDatabase(imdb.com) is a great place to so.

-Doug

I never saw the Red Shoe Diaries, Doug. I may or may not have seen Audie England on Mortal Kombat. It used to air here on Sky One, but I never really watched it. It would be on TV but I'd be reading or playing a game and not really paying attention to the show. I usually wait until after I've seen the movie before goping to the IMDb...I don't want to read too much about it so I can better form a personal opinion for the Inferno! Of course some movie pique my curiousity so I check them out ahead of time...

I found out some answeres to the questions you asked in your review of Legion. The cartoon series Rick Springfield was in was calld "Mission: Magic." All I could find out about Audie England was that she was in several movies I never heard of, but also was in several episodes of "Red Shoe Diaries" which ran on HBO here in the states, and a German TV movie called "Eis - wenn die Welt erfriert." Hope that helps.

Good to see you back!

Great to be back, Rick. From time to time I get so bogged down with other things, being in the army and all, that I don't have time to work on the site. Hopefully life will be relatively calm for awhile. Although relatively calm for me is still kind of busy! I remember that cartoon now that you mention it! Wasn't the magic teacher named "Ms. Tickle"?

I really enjoy your site, and clearly, you are doing God's work here. I have a question, and a request. In your review of Megaforce you mention that the movie almost reaches Doom Generation levels of badness. Since you've clearly seen Doom Generation (and since it is fairly clearly a piss-poor movie) I was wondering why there is no review of it on your site. Doing such a review may help future readers of your Megaforce review understand precisely how badly it sucks, so they can avoid the extremely stressful experience of trying to sit through it themselves. Of course I will understand if you don't want to subject yourself to the torture of sitting through Doom Generation again. Thanks from a loyal fan!

Thanky much! I would do the Doom Generation if I could find a copy here. It would be painful...REALLY painful, but I think with the right amount of cold beer I could take it. Of course the doom generation would automatically be going to the lowest pit in the Inferno, but anyone who's seen it should know that! I thought about asking Greywizard at the Unknown Movies if he could dig up a copy for me, but he might try and watch it. I'd never forgive myself if he clawed his eyes out from that movie! I like the guy! Now if I could find an enemy to watch it for me....

and I know this is incredibly anal, but in "A Christmas Carol" the clerk's name is "Cratchitt", not "Cratchid". So could you change it, please? It was really bothering me.

Thanks,

mb

Hmmmm....I have to agree...it is kind of Anal, but hey, you did ask nicely. So I'll fix it. It may not be today, but I'll get around to it. Thanks for pointing it out.

FROM: Steve James RE: Cutthroat Island, Supernaturals and those crazy looking bombs.

Well, I've been reading your reviews for awhile now, and quite enjoy them. I especially enjoy your military take on movies that employ military features so very, very badly. I laughed and laughed through your review of Starship Troopers. I mean, how did those guys ever take over a planet?

But what prompted me to write in today, actually, was reading your review of "Cutthroat Island." You asked about the big black cartoony bomb with fuse. Well, all cliches have a basis in fact. That's a mortar shell. The modern mortar evolved in WWI, but prior to that, mortars were in use as heavy, indirect bombardment weapons. Except for small models, like the coehorn, they were generally too heavy for anything but siege and naval (shore bombardment) work. The "rockets' red glare" in "The Star Spangled Banner" was from Congreve rockets--a faddish and relatively useless innovation; but the "bombs bursting in air" were from 14" naval mortars from a specialty vessel called a"bomb-ketch", and they were bursting in air because the fuses were cut too short. I'm boring you now, but the bomb was a round black shell with a fuse that went underneath the casing. You set the time of burst by the amount of fuse you left under the casing. Anything outside it was ignited by the propellant blast. It was rather an art, and the timed and percussion fuses were welcomed.

Sorry. Don't get me started on military history. In the way you see the glaring flaws in badly researched uniforms, I see the ridiculous anachronisms in historical films. I mean--in "Supernaturals" They walked over a mine field in the Civil War? Yes, the land mine was sort of invented then, but they were manually fired by on operator with two pieces of wire for a command detonator. And only the Confederates used mines, by the way. And of course, the 44th in question would not exist today, since it would have been, not a corps, but a regiment, with the numbering based on a state
organization. I believe we went to a battalion organization some years back, except for the marines. You'd know that better than I. Point is, no organization on either side larger than a regiment had a number other than temporarily. Could be a national guard unit, of course. But why would they be running a training exercise in a different state? Have to be a different state, since the civil war was fought in the south--unless they were a turncoat regiment.

Sorry. Doing it again.

Love the page. I'll be out there reading as I laugh through my 50th viewing
of "Megaforce".

Steve James

DUDE! The 50th viewing of Megaforce!? You must be a Super-Human! (Man PLUS) Only one viewing had me bawling my eyes out. A second one and I'll be making Drano Milkshakes! Hey thanks for all the info, though. I actually learned something....and that definitely doesn't happen every day!

I've never seen the 80s version, and now I'm certain there's no need. But I did see the 40s or 50s version a couple of years ago, and you get the same feeling of intense boredom there too. Only with no nudity and I don't believe sex was even implied in this one. There was a large cat killing people in various scenes though. I don't know if the remake was this way, but the most jarring thing to me in the original is that everything takes place indoors. A movie about giant cats prowling and at least 90% is filmed in small closed in rooms? Rooms not big enough for some house cats by the
ooks of them. This movie never had a chance and I'm certain it was only remade to show some screwing this time.

-Doug

I'd tend to agree, Doug. I didn't find any of it erotic or interesting though. But man, it was boring. Next time I can't sleep I'm going to plop that bad boy back in the VCR.

I read F. Paul Wilson's book, and it does a much better job of telling why Molasar is evil. (In the book) he's a vampire, but one who feeds on bad emotions like hate, anger, and fear. The more he can cause, the more powerful he becomes. He's essentially immortal, and the 'good powers that be' (they're not really explained) have granted a human (Glaeken) the same immortality (w/o having
to piss everyone off to have power) basically to act as a foil to Molasar to keep him from becoming too powerful and turning the world into a hell pit.

Too damn bad they didn't mention this in the movie. Molasar feeds off of evil and human despair. He is freed from his prison in Europe during WWII. Not a good time to let Ultimate Evil out of his cage.

The book is a fun read. Not the Lord of the Rings, but not bad, either.

-Sandy

Oh! PS: Good site! I really enjoyed your recent review of 'Near Dark', one of my favorite undiscovered movies.

Glad you enjoy the site, Sandy! You know if that information was made available in the movie I think more people would have liked it. I wonder why it wasn't? Near Dark is one of my favorite flicks, too, but I like Lance Henriksen. I think he's a pretty good actor when he plays creepy characters.

You forgot the best part of the whole crap movie: Punky Brewster as the good camp counselor.

Also, if you're interested and didn't already know, this was made as one ofa group of movies for Showtime about five years ago. The premise was to take crappy Roger Corman films and let today's hacks take a crack at re-filming them. It was called "Roger Corman Presents" or some [unwrite] like that. It also included Wasp Woman and Black Scorpion, so maybe you did already know.

Like the site,

Doug

Actually I didn't know that, but I NEVER had Showtime, even when I was in the states. Punky Brewster was one of those old TV shows I never watched. I figured it would be way to sugary sweet for me....like Webster.

"And You Call Yourself A Scientist!"
http://www.penrithcity.nsw.gov.au/usrpages/Rick/liz.htm

Thanks Liz. I wonder though....with a name like Morelli I think the writers never actually pictured Beau as a black man. Then when they were casting the movie they probably thought "Hey, the sidekick, Morelli dies within the first fifteen minutes! We'd better make him black!"

I particularly liked your hilarious review of Shogun Assassin. It might interest you to know that this flick is actually a re-edited compilation of scenes from only the first two movies in a series of six released in Japan in the 70's. The series is known by a few names including "Lone Wolf and Cub", or just the "Baby Cart" series. It's probably difficult for you to get hold of these movies, but they are all available in subtitled versions on video. The originals have a different (and deeper) story and are more serious in tone, interspersed with all the crazy-ass action scenes. In the later films, they start running out of guys who can put up any kind of serious challenge to Lone Wolf so they have him fighting entire armies of hundreds of guys single-handed! Check these out if you ever get a chance.

I'd have to agree with you pretty much totally on this movie...really, really stupid, yet oddly enjoyable.

You did miss a couple of things that make me laugh, tho:

1. When the Magic Coffee Cup detects the asteroid heading toward the ship, the pilots....count down before trying to evade it. What? If I saw a boulder rolling toward my car, I would NOT say "3...2...1" before getting out of the way at the last minute.

I'm willing to grant the movie artistic license with that one. Not every ship can turn on a dime like the Enterprise.

2. You missed the bit about Carmen being made entirely of plastic. She has a bug spine JAMMED INTO HER SHOULDER, yet within a few minutes she's laughing around with her pals. What other explanation is there? It would explain the constant smile, too--she's some sort of future Barbie. (Toys in the future have become members of society, with rights and everything...just like today.)

Plastic People are in society today!? That explains Cindy Crawford!

3. My favorite line, after Rico blows up the fire bug and Michael Ironside asks him where he learned "moves like that." "At school, sir, don't you remember? I was captain of the team." In the football game earlier, they must have cut out the bit where he shot a hole in an opponent and dropped a grenade in his chest. Gee, maybe we'll get a 'Director's Cut' that will restore that.

Hahahaha! You got me with that one!

Oh, and a point to clarify in the Sinbad of the Seven Seas review (this movie has taken over my mind, I can't help it). When Sinbad throws away his sword for the second time, he is actually throwing away his scabbard. (This movie preceeded Disney's Aladdin by several years, and it's been suggested that the Kaliph and Jaffar in "Aladdin" owe a lot to this film. Luckily, those making those suggestions don't get out of their cells very often.)

The really "great" thing about this movie is John Steiner, who plays Jaffar. He is the only actor I've ever seen who can make William Shatner, Richard Burton or Rod Steiger look like models of restraint.

Oh well, enough from me. This is a really cool website, I'm glad Otis found it. and let us all know about it. Keep up the good work!

Thanks for writing Brian! I'm glad you enjoy the site!

Hi, me again. Again, I agree with your assessment of this film. But it seems really unfinished to me. (Supposedly the effects guy, Wally Veevers, died before he could complete his work, so they had to redo it from scratch. Maybe that took money away from filling in the plot holes)

The main problem is Molesar. Maybe in the book it explains it, but here...why is he a villain? Cos Glaeken says so? I really don't see any other reason except he's a grotesque monster, and in the movies, grotesque monsters are evil, the end.

Think, tho, of what he does in the film...he saves Eva from being raped. He gives Cuza his health (yes, he takes it away later, but it seems more out of pique than evil). He kills...Nazis. Nazis, I tell you! He doesn't even kill the "good" Nazi (J. Prochnow). In a movie where a monster kills Nazis, who are we supposed to "vote" for?

As for Glaeken, he shows up, says Molasar is evil, destroys him, and that's pretty much it. Does he do anything "good"? (I honestly don't remember, I'll have to watch the thing again.)

At any rate, I think a lot must have been cut out (or never shot) of this film. And while I like the film a lot, I think it's really lazy to make the audience read the book to understand what they just watched.

Yours is an excellent review of a pretty much forgotten flick. Congrats and keep up the great work. I'll try not to bombard ya with emails, but heck, I just found this site!

Don't worry about emailing me Brian. Thats why I put the link on the site! I wonder though if anyone out there has read the book and explain Molesar's and Glaeken's motivations. The way the movie is set up they might as well be Megatron and Optimus Prime from the Transformers. One is evil just 'cuz and the other is good, just cuz. Then again, Molesar did kill the Nazis so he can't be all that bad...

Greetings!

Thanks for the review of Starship Troopers -- made me giggle. I have to agree with you, it's an immensely silly flick full of "Things I learned..."nonsense -- but, but, I can't help myself -- I love it!
It's just too much darned fun. Oh well, rack it up as another guilty pleasure.

Have fun!
Bruce V. Edwards
www.cathuria.com/bcd

Well, I'll take a fun "bad" movie over a boring "good" movie anyday

"HUH?: Dr. Cyclops shoots shoots Pedro with a shotgun. We see Pedro do one of those "UGH! Ya got me!" moves and fall into the water. But...but Pedro's only a few inches tall! Wouldn't a shotgun blast have just blown his tiny body to itsy bitsy bits?"

I think this was a case of 'too gross for the Hays code' had Pedro actually turned into a fine red mist. Heck, you probably couldn't've even done a scene like that for reasons of taste 'til well into the 60s or 70s...

Yeah, but it would've looked cool!

FROM: Dalek1978 RE: Steel and Lace and what the hell is a Monkey Wrench.

You wanted to know where the term "monkey wrench" came from. The man who invented that particular kind of wrench was named Mankey, which was pronounced "monkey." Thus, his wrench was everafter known as the Monkey Wrench.

You learn something new everyday! Strangely enough, after I emailed a thank you to Dalek for this little tidbit of information, I recieved a reply stating that Dalek never contacted me at all!

Hi,

I am a regular visitor of your site. I like the kind of movies you review and your review style. I usually find your reviews to be quite entertaining.

I just read the review for "Steel and Lace" and wanted to give you some info. Stacy Haiduk was in "Luther the Geek" (I haven't seen it but apparently her shower scene is notable) and "SeaQuest DSV" (the tv show). Thanks for providing such a great resource. Keep up the good work.
Sincerely...Kevin Miller

She was in Luther the Geek? I haven't seen that movie in years! It was awful! I loved it. I think I busted a rib laughing! I wonder if Stacy Haiduk has it on her resume?

I have found some information about other movies featuring the six million dollar man.

1. Return Of the Six Million Dollar Man and Bionic Woman(1987). I haven't seen this one, but reviews tell me that it has the title characters fighting radicals who are trying to take over the USA.

2. Bionic Showdown: The Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman(1989). According to reviews, this movie pits our two bionic heroes against a bionic assassin who is trying to disrupt the US/Russian Unity games.

3. Bionic Ever After?(1994, I think). I've seen part of this one. The six million dollar man marries the bionic woman, whose bionic parts are slowly disintegrating.

These movies usually are shown on the Fox Family channel.

Sounds good! I'll have to see if I can find a copy or trade for copies of those movies. At the moment I'm in Europe, so I don't get any US channels. I used to love the 6 Million Dollar Man as a kid. I'm betting Hollywood will make a big budget movie about him one day and ruin yet another childhood memory. Gfan also had this to add...

I don't know if they are available on video or not. On a semi-related topic, I heard that the author of the book that the Six Million Dollar Man tv show was based on claims that the government actually did create a cyborg! I don't know if he really believes this or if he made it up. However, if you take the literal meaning of cyborg as a machine working inside/with the human body, a person with a pacemaker could count as a cyborg.

Martin Caidin thinks there really are cyborg government agents huh? (or is that "thought"...I don't know if Caidin is still alive) A friend I had in college once ranted that the very idea of a bionic superman was ridiculous, that the US government would never do it, to which my roommate replied "Its not like they would tell us, you idiot!"

Right. The Eye of Harmony is _never_ in the TARDIS. (I'm sure it's been pointed out by now, but I just found your site.) "The Deadly Assassin" you get to see Galifrey for the first time, along with the Panopticon, Borusa, and a lot of other things. Including the fact that the Eye of Harmony is kept under the Panopticon, powering darn near everything the Time Lords have. Think Broadcast Power.

Even Funnier, the Master claims the Doctor is "Half Human". While this _might_ explain why he hangs around Earth so much, it's never alluded, refered or even mentioned in the Britsh
Series. (Granted Dr Who of BBC fame is right up there with Star Wars and Star Trek for contunity FUBARS, but still....)

There are some good lines in the movie, I did like Eric Roberts as the Master, Paul McGann as the Doctor was.... strange. I think the Kiss was unnecessary too. The Interior of the Tardis is the best it's ever been since that one season during the Tom Baker years.

Oh well... I could rant on, but I'll stop there. Thanks for reading.

James Gibbs

Being a Doctor Who fan the TV movie was a big let down. You're right though, the Eye of Harmony wasn't in the Tardis. The half human thing irked me as much as the kiss. As an alien the doctor had a bit of mystery. The "humanizing" of the character watered him down a bit. Oh well....at least I have several old episodes on tape to enjoy the Doctor as I like to remember him...

Sounds like a good show. And Lynch is good actor. I apologize right now for any insults I may have heaped upon him. He's in some crappy ass flicks but he's not a bad actor.

Thanks for the praise, Liz. I'd love to see the entire thread! I have to shamefully admit one thing...Maria Ford did look kinda hot as a minor character in the Wasp Woman remake. Other than that, she really does make my skin crawl for some reason. Ms. ford gets naked in every picture i've scene her in! Hey, if you're reading this and you haven't checked out Liz's site yet, I suggest you do! Its chock full of insightful reviews and you know they're good...mad scientists are meticulous!

Dunno if you watched the original TV show, but in there the original Dr.Loveless had some pretty outrageous technology for the time period, including a teleportation device(!!) and (in another episode) a steam-powered android.

On the whole, though, I agree with you about the flaws in the film, especially the script. I got the impression the writers couldn't decide whether they wanted to do some black/sick comedy (like with Bloodbath McGrath) or something more silly.

Brandi [but I did like the huge steampunk mechanical spider. Go figure.]

I remember my late older sister watching the Wild, Wild, West and the cartoony beginning of the the show and thats about it. But the movie just plain sucked, pure and simple! The TV show probably had a bit of that old charm that seems to exist in TV shows of that era...even if they were silly. The movie however was just sheer and utter agony inflicted on the masses. I don't hate Will smith or Kevin kline...or whoever directed and wrote it...but I'm never going to forgive them.

Cthulhu is H P Lovecraft's elder god of evil. Well... every god in the group is evil, but he's the Head of the Board, King, Chairbeing... ("Vote for Cthulhu! Why vote for the _lesser_ of two evils?") That sort of thing. :) But.. having seen snippets of this movie, I have to agree. It would have been a relief to see Cthulhu show up and munch on stupid humans. Lovecraft is a definte good read, if it's not _that_ scary. I agree on the Wild Wild West... I think it suffered most from A. dumb script B. WAY too much CGI and C. Too Much Hype.

Just my .02cr

James

I've never read Lovecraft. He must have been able to write better horror stories than the script for Cthulhu mansion by default, though. Heck, Banshee, my cat could could write a better script.

Greetings!

Thanks for the review of Starship Troopers -- made me giggle. I have to agree with you, it's an immensely silly flick full of "Things I learned..." nonsense -- but, but, I can't help myself -- I love it!
It's just too much darned fun. Oh well, rack it up as another guilty pleasure.

Have fun!
Bruce V. Edwards
www.cathuria.com/bcd

Starship Troopers inhabits that wierd realm of movies...where its very stupid, but still entertaining on a lowest common denominator level. I almost feel bad for liking it.