Ther Infernal Mailbox

I think it was the Thomas Dolby...If I recall the Dolby sound system guy was Named Thomas Dolby Robertson.

Pat

Did she Blind him with "SCIENCE!"? Heeeheee....(actually I used that rather lame joke in my reply to Pat. The reason I didn't include it in the review of the Sword and the Sorcerer, Pat, was that I wasn't sure if it was THE Thomas Dolby she married. It doesn't happen often, but I tried not to put my foot in my mouth this time.)

The review of MEATEATER on bad movie planet was very similar to the one on the BRAINS ON FILM site.

I played Raymond in that film.

I agree with you the film was awful, but I didn't think my comedy relief scenes were quite as bad as you stated.

But I could be wrong about that.

This letter was from Richard Nathan, an actor in the movie MEATEATER. He's a real sport too. I apologized to him if I'd insulted him in some way and he graciously replied that no apology was necessary. Only one thing...I didn't write the reiview of Meateater. It was a guest review by Danimal. I've actually NEVER seen the movie.

Hey, Dante,
Long time no see:) I just read your great review on The Wasp Woman, and I wanted to give you some info on the original that you said you never saw (I saw it on one of those Saturday morning Creature Feature shows that we remember so fondly from the late 70's...and believe it or not, the original was much creepier then the first, and even scared me a few times!). The plot of the original was basically the same as the newer one, with a model that used a serum derived from wasp venom from a discredited scientist being used to reverse the human aging process. However, from what I remember, it wasn't made obvious that the lady was nuts until very late in the movie, and the murders were treated as mysterious with the killer not seen until the bulk of the film was over. In fact, it wasn't obvious at first that a monster was involved at all if you didn't read the title of the film first; the advertising poster for the film was one of those typical garish 50's horror movie posters that tricked prospective viewers into thinking they would see a flick with a far more elaborate monster then the special effects budgets of these Corman cheapies could ever hope to achieve: the poster showed a gigantic wasp, about as big as a house, with a human female head, attacking a male victim! Of course, the monster seen in the final 40 minutes of the film (also probably to save money in what passed for sfx, which was probably why the original was scripted as a murder mystery for the bulk of the movie) was indeed far less exotic then this, or even the one seen in the remake, but was still undeniably creepy! She retained her humanoid shape and size (and didn't lose her clothing, of course), but her face had truly ugly make-up to give her a hideous visage, large insect-like eyes, twin antenae on her head (which looked like huge pipe cleaners) and furry hands. The only sound you could hear from her was an incessant buzzing sound. The first appearance of the original Wasp Woman was quite sudden and unexpected, and really must have scared the feces out of viewers of the time. The killing scenes once the monster appeared were surprisingly gruesome for horror movies of that era, and also undoubtably caught viewers by surprise, and probably made many parents punish their older kids for taking their younger kids to see it once they anxiously described to mom and dad how "cool" the killings were. The first man she killed was bit on the neck, and blood seeped from the wound in bucketfuls, quite atypical for the time (of all the films of that decade, only The Brain That Wouldn't Die, Frankenstein's Daughter, and I Was A Teenage Frankenstein rivaled it in terms of sheer gruesomeness, except for the English Hammer films, of course, but I heard that Cosmic Monsters was also a surprisingly gory 50's flick). The nurse she later killed had only a small cut made on her neck, but the Wasp Woman sucking the blood from the wound was quite disturbing, and the severed limb of the nurse discovered laying there in all it's graphic glory in the room was also probably shocking for the time (I know it surprised me!

Geez, Channel 29 didn't cut anything from those films back then! I'd like to see whether or not that scene is left intact if the film is ever played on the Sci-Fi Channel today). The Wasp Woman was killed after much effort by the main male and female protagonists at the end of the movie by being hit with a chair, burned, and finally knocked out of a window (her corpse inexplicably transformed into a swarm of live bees soon after she died...please don't ask me to explain that...and I'm still composing that explanation for Xtro for you!). Of course, all of the sex was absent from the original, but the plotline of the aging model trying to sell this forumla into a new perfume line was there, but this time the discredited scientist was only injured (by her, and not by a transformed cat) and ended up hospitalized and conveniently unable to speak about the incident, but did help in stopping her, though he died of a heart attack in the climactic scene just before the film ended, to exemplify the point that he was a dangling plot thread that needed to be ended for closure and "justice" for creating the formula in the first place; the audience had a harsh sense of justice back then that needed to be fulfilled before the ending credits rolled (you tamper with mother nature, you HAVE to die by the end of the film...it's the law!). This must have been a great little flick to catch in the theaters back then for under 50 cents, even if the poster did lie about the appearance of the monster, but I'm sure 50's audiences must have expected this.

As for the remake, I think it was foolish of them to make her body so huge and bulky when she transformed...the construct they had to build to make this effect resulted in the creature being far too massive and unwieldy to move with anything remotely resembling agility, and all of her movements on camera were VERY slow by necessity of her design. Yes, this made her look more "wasp-like," but Brundlefly wasn't given a disproportionately huge insect-like abdomen in his transformation, and his anthropomorphized insect form was thus lithe, agile and fast. If they allowed the Wasp Woman to retain most of her humanoid shape, and just gave her cool insect features,she could have been a female version of the Fly, and struck with swiftness and power. Instead, she required that she either be humping her victims, or catching them unawares, in order to slay them, and the cool-looking monsterwas much less formidable and mobile then she could have been. I don't know which member of the production crew had the final say on this, but it was a bad decision that should have been corrected before filming began. This film could have been better and had a truly memorable monster, and thus, though she looked cooler and more insect-like then the original Wasp Woman, she was inferior to her predecessor in terms of speed and total creepiness.

Oh, and I DO NOT understand how the cat transformed into what looked like a huge wasp, but did NOT retain any feline features. Another design flaw, especially since the villian in question retained many of her humanoid features.

Finally, two corrections for you in terms of the ending. The Wasp Woman's body wasn't discovered after that mysterious dynamite went off, but rather her head was. And also, the feline wasp made a return appearance at the end of the movie.

I'll be done with my detailed Xtro analysis for ya soon...keep up the good work, and I really enjoy your site, as always:)

Before I forget!! You may be interested to know that during the 80's, The Wasp Woman was re-made into a VERY gory and creepy movie called EvilSpawn. The plot was identical to that of both Wasp Woman films, though it was made in between the two (I do not think that Corman was involved with this one, though he may have sued if he noticed this largely overlooked direct to video
gem). However, this version was a lot more nasty-edged then either of the Corman Wasp Woman flicks. The de-aging serum transformed the aging model, via way cool transformation FX, into a humanoid insect-like creature that has correctly been described in one film review as a "werebug." This insect creature was much more menacing then either version of the Wasp Woman, wasn't
incredibly mobile on camera but stood upright on two "legs," and had an appendage with a huge stinger containing an extremely lethal venom which she used to dispatch her victims, all of whom were people who had impeded her progress, either personally or professionally, as an aging model. This evil video spawn should be seeked out by you, and reviewed on your site, as it's a really cool adaptation of the Wasp Woman movies...and best of all, it was actually terrifying, but with a GREAT moral message delivered by the heroic protagonist writer at the end (just before he...well, you rent the film and see for yourself:)
Regards,

Its been a very long time since I last saw the Wasp Woman. I kind of liked watching it but the remake was, well, goofy. I mean...A wasp with boobs? Big Boobs at that.

Hi, Dante,
Sorry that it took so long for me to compose this, as previously promised, but I've been quite busy, and it's been awhile since I was able to visit your site, though I'm glad that I did, of course:) Okay, on to the analysis:

Believe it or not, XTRO was one of my all-time favorite bad sci-fi flicks! When I first saw it in the early 80's on Showtime, I remember likewise pondering the motives of that alien, and this is what I can figure (since that script was terribly skewed, and seems to have been done under extreme time constraints, thus concentrating on the events themselves over characterization and explanations): the reason why the father was kidnapped by the aliens in the first place was never made clear, but from reading between the lines (and making a perhaps paltry attempt at an educated guess), it seems like they were simply looking to merge their genetic stock with technologically inferior races from other worlds that were perhaps deemed beneficially adaptable in some manner, and he was kidnapped and genetically/physiologically altered by the aliens so that he could live on their world, perhaps as a prelude to studying human genetics, and the adapability of the human genome and phenotype for functioning in other, alien environments. Apparantly, once the man had "adjusted" to his new life (I don't even want to know the details! LOL), over the course of three years, he evidently asked his new "family" if he could go back to get his son, and likewise alter him before going to the new world. The aliens probably agreedsimply so that he could carry out an ulterior purpose while there, which
was to plant alien "seeds" on the planet so that humans could be "adapted" little by little...it didn't seem like this was a takeover attempt (as you pointed out, they could have done so easily via their superior techological weaponry if a takeover was their goal), but I think this was simply a test they were running on the adaptability of the human species on a slightly greater scalethen experimentation on just the one man, as a result of three years ofstudying his genetic structure (which left them impressed with good old human adaptability). Thus, the father returned to Earth with a duel agenda: the personal matter of retrieving his son, and the professional agenda of carrying out the experiment for the aliens; both of these tasks seemed of equal interest to him while visiting the old homestead. It would appear that a major part of the alteration process is the genetic realignment of the human's synapses in such a manner that they become totally loyal and acclimated to the alien race, which can be surmised by how the father, while seemingly retaining his love for his son, nevertheless was totally behind the alien agenda and seemed to prefer his new home, and the son, upon his alteration, likewise was totally loyal to the alien agenda, and happily left Earth and his mom behind. Obviously, the aliens were careful to incorporate this change of loyalty as part of the genetic alteration process. The father seemed to find his return to his original form (at least outwardly) to be very disorienting, which may explain his odd behavior at times, such as his unsuccessful telephone call to his wife (where he accidently used his new abilities to melt the telephone receiver while unable to utter a comprehensible word, despite his best efforts), and the fact that he found himself having renewed sexual interests in the human form (as when he shagged his ex-wife). However, his two agendas remained his top priority, and both were successfully carried out. Apparantly, the alien genome placed in the human form released latent abilities inherant in the human genetic potential.

For example, the father seemed to have the ability to generate various forms of energy (such as his ability to burn the telephone receiver), and the scream that generated some type of energy that killed the boyfriend via massive internal hemmhoraging (it seemed to be some sort of sonic energy, though I'm no expert!). His son, on the other hand, seemed to have developed the far more incredible psionic power to transform his thoughts into reality, but to do so in a manner that exploited the dark side of his psyche released by the infusion of alien DNA, as well as to grant a form of temporary "life" to various objects and mannikens, possibly by projecting part of his own life force, or psyche, within them. He was able to animate the toy clown and the G.I. action figure, and he was able to give the clown a few lethal toys (I loved that sawblade yo yo!!), and the G.I. action figure, though obviously a human sized plastic figure, now had a real, working weapon (don't worry...I know better then to use the term "gun" around you Army dudes! LOL). The clown, strangely enough, appeared to be flesh and blood. He also animated the tank, psionically transmuting air particles so as to create "real" bullets which it could fire, though they never did explain that panther, or how the hell it got there! It didn't seem to be a toy, as it looked like a REAL panther (and acted like one, too, unfortunately for the poor slob who outmanuevered the tank, only to run into the kitty cat!). Also, since the panther was the only thing still there after the boy had left the planet, it's my hypothesis that he somehow teleported the panther there from the nearby zoo, rather then creating it by animating a toy. Once the genetic transformation in the boy had progressed, he began slowly assuming his "new" form, just as the father had as his faux skin slowly began to peel away to reveal his actual alien form underneath it. It would seem, however, that his confusion and renewed human sex drive were a bit overwhelming at times, judging by how he was shagging his ex-wife just as he began changing. The starship he arrived on came down out of orbit (probably cloaked) when it detected his genetically created "disguise" beginning to wear off, and he and his son, now genetically altered and "re-programmed" to be loyal to the aliens, met the craft at the pre-determined time and place.

The latent psionic abilities that humans possessed, and which were released by the infusion of this alien DNA, may have been the primary reason for the aliens being interested in experimenting on humans, and adapting them to their environment, so that they may create far more powerful members of their own race by adapting human beings to function on their world, and merged with their own DNA.

Of course, when mom went home with her world shattered, she picked up oneof the eggs, which, detecting a host body outside, released one of the alien "penises" (this time without the need for one of the bizarre creatures implanting it, as before), and she was injected with another gentetically pre-programmed alien who would 'convert' more humans to the cause.

Okay, that was the best I can figure out the motives of the aliens in this film...I hope I did a good job, in your estimation:)
Regards,
Chris N

Whew....well, theres only one thing wrong with your having to come up with an explanation...the audience shouldn't have to make up stuff to fill in for a movies shortcomings. I'm not saying that Xtro isn't entertaining in "Man, this movie really blows" kinda way, but it is a bad movie. Very bad. And after reading your letter I've only come to despise it more. I don't care if the filmmakers didn't have time or budget...the movie didn't make any sense! If they couldn't at least come up with a better (ie "less crappy") way to explain things to the audience they shouldn't have bothered making the flick. Still, kudos to you, my man, for coming up with a better movie than the actual movie!

I know, I know...I really went to town catching up on your site this morning. But I wanted to tell you about an error you made in your entry on Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger. You said in the last paragraph that you thought that the Troglodytes were the beings from H.G. Wells' The Time Machine. They weren't!! Those beings were called the Morlocks!! (And btw...the small, benevolent beings in the novel encountered by the time traveller were called the Eloi, possibly derived from the 'Elohim', the Hebrew word for 'fairie' or 'elf').

And as for your statement of the Troglodyte...well, I would add that no ancestor of early man was ten feet tall, or had a horn growing from its head. I actually haven't even heard the term 'Troglodyte' used to refer to early man since the 70's, after which it seemed to have lost popularity.

And why was there just ONE such creature there? Shouldn't there have been an entire community of such creatures on that island? It's always humorous in a movie depicting the past when people living several centuries ago are alleged to be aware of "prehistoric animals"...such animals were not officially indentified until the 19th century, and Sinbad's time is considerably earlier then that!
Also, why the hell was Sinbad caucasion? I thought the guy was supposed to be Arabian???
Regards,
Chris N

Thanks for the Troglodyte correction. And Sinbad is supposed to be Arabian. But you know how it goes...I mean, look at the Ten Commandments. I'm pretty certain Egypt was ruled by a bunch of White people back in Mose's time.

I also recall Astro Boy but i can't find any tapes....but i have a lead and if i find any i'll let you know for sure!!

I'm not sure if they're still in business, but a company called the Right Stuf had a catalogue of a lot of old anime shows on VHS. Its been a few years since I last the catalogue, and I never ordered anything from them. (I was broke...really broke....while working at the Pentagon.) I'm sure if you trty a web search you'll come up with something. I got my few Astroboy tapes at Suncoast Video. I also picked up a few old episodes of Gigantor....mostly because I like the Theme Song.

Hi Dante -

It's been a while since I last dropped you a line, but when I checked your latest Infernal Rant, it was on a subject dear to my heart; computer strategy games. I've been playing those almost ever since I've owned a PC. Here's my own list;

The Civilization series - I've played those since 1994, when I got the first Civ (about two years before Civ II came out). My personal favorite is Civilization II, which is one of the most customizable games ever; one add-on you absolutely must look for is the "Fascist Patch", which replaces the Fundamentalist government type with Fascism and makes a huge number of changes which fix multiple bugs and improve gameplay dramatically. (And it's a gamer-written patch, too!) I have "Test of Time", which is OK but which is coded sufficiently differently that the author of the Fascist Patch didn't do an edition for this version, which is a pity. Right now, I'm working on the 1999 version of "Civilization: Call to Power", which I'm not all that satisfied with either; for one thing, cities develop too slowly and they've taken away cool things like Leonardo's Workshop and the multiple abilities of Settlers, especially their ability to clean up pollution.

If I were you I wouldn't waste my time on Call to Power. Its buggy and poorly made. Don't waste money on the sequel either. Its horrible. Activision is a crummy company. They put both versions on the market just before Christmas, knowing full well that they weren't ready just to make a buck. I won't buy another Activision game because of it, and I've stopped people in the local PX from buying CTP by explaining how crappy it is.

Sim City 3000 - I'm learning this. I used to play Sim City 2000 a lot, but it'd been some years. There's a cheat program around that will allow you to get an ungodly amount of money if you run it at the beginning of the game.

Birth of the Federation - Here's a cheat: Put the CD in, then start a DOS window, change to the directory the game is installed in, and type "TREK.EXE -MUDD" in all caps. This will enable several cheats. F10gives you 10,000 extra credits each time you press the key; F11 and F12 also provide advantages, though I forget which those are because I don't use them. The game is still difficult enough just using F10.

Starfleet Command - I just installed the first SFC a couple of weekends ago. Just barely squeaked through a couple of the easy-level ship-to-ship scenarios.

Steel Panthers II and III - Great games about tactical-level armored combat from 1939-1999. SSI is a great company for wargames; also try "Age of Rifles" for a good game about war in the 1850-1900 period. There's a new entry in the series called "Steel Panthers: World At War", which is available -free- from a company called Matrix Games. It's aHUGE download, but you can get the CD from them too. The URL is http://www.matrixgames.com.

Talonsoft's games - I assume you have the Strategy First version of Waterloo. Talonsoft has made a whole series of games going all the way back to 1995. I own Gettysburg and Waterloo.

If you want to try older games, look for the offerings put out by the Japanese company Koei. They released some very fine games on relatively unusual subjects (the campaigns of Genghis Khan, the Warring States period in China and the Age of Battles in Japan). My favorite from them
is L'Empereur, a game in which you're put in the role of Napoleon.

As far as computer wargames go, I would say anything designed by Gary Grigsby, Norm Koger or Sid Meier is a very good bet.

I eagerly await Sid Meier's new Civilization III. If I'm lucky I'll even have enough time to play it!

I got a lot of mail about my crossbow question in the review of First Knight. The general conssnsus is maybe...just maybe...the use of crossbows in England during King Arthur's time was possible. Still, the movie was complete fantasy (Well, Arthur himself is mostly fantasy) and I didn't like it much. Here's the answers I got. Thanks to everyone who tried to school me on this.

I'm sure someone has already answered this question for you but, I think I can offer some insight. I'm not real big on Dark Ages/Midieval Europe, but I am a history minor and hence have to study it a bit. So here's an explanation of sorts: The crossbow was one of the weapons that made infantry a dominant force on the battle field. Because the crossbow could kill mounted soldiers (which were mainly the soldiers of the elite), they became quite popular, particularly amongst the lower classes whenever they wanted to rebelled. They were actually banned in the 12th century (I believe 12th century... hell I always mix up the damn centuries) as being "un-Christian." Whether or not they had them in the 6th century ... well, both the Romans and Greeks had crossbows, though limitedly used. However, like most things, they were more or less forgotten until quite a bit later. The earliest I've read is that the crossbow was (re)introduced in Europe at about the 9th century, although even then it was just along the Mediterranean. It didn't come into common use until the 12th or 13th century... also, being that Camelot is in England, it wouldn't particularly make sense... about the time the Crossbow was being introduced, the English were developing the longbow, which was superior in most respects to the crossbow. It could fire a lot farther and was more powerful. However, the best I can say for First Knight is that if there was a rebellious knight who wanted to overthrow a king, he might use crossbows because a) they were relatively cheap to make and b) compared to the longbow, they were much much easier to use. Whereas longbowmen needed quite a bit of training, a crossbow could basically be used by any idiot...still, it doesn't solve the problem of the crossbows being in the 6th century. But maybe this is a modern version of King Arthur, updated for the...... 12th century. Or, being that the Chinese invented the crossbow somewhere around the 5th century BC (if you've read the Art of War, he mentions it briefly...), and considering the numerous other "liberties" they took with the movie, perhaps this is an unknown-to-the-West Chinese version of the King Arthur myth... granted none of the actors are chinese, but, its the best explanation I could come up with. Hope that helps some!

I just finished reading your review of First Knight, and as with most of your reviews, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I would, however, like to correct you on the crossbow issue. If I may don the Robes of Academia (TM) for a moment... a brief history of the crossbow.

The earliest known use of the crossbow dates back to the sixth century B.C in China. It spread slowly westward through first the Macedonian, then theRoman civilizations. The Romans almost certainly brought the crossbow technology with them to Britain, though it is doubtful that it spread to the native population. By the eighth century, crossbows were in fairly common use in France. The Norman invasion of 1066 brought the crossbow into common usage in England. Thus endeth the sermon.

P.S. I haven't seen the movie, so I'm not familiar with the aquatic assault on Camelot, but getting bowstrings (long or cross) wet is a really bad idea.

Hi there Dante!

In answer to your crossbow query, I just ran a quick Copernic search and came up with the following.

It would seem the first crossbows were made in China around the 4th century BC. However crossbows didn't come into usage in Europe until around the 10th or 11th century AD.

Sadly, I couldn't find any dates for Platemail.

Cheers,

Earl

You're right, this is a drastically "re-imagined" version of Arthur (to use the latest excuse/buzzword). I did, however, like the casting of Sean Connery. If you're going to have Arthur at the end of his reign, I can't think of a classier actor. (Richard Gere, on the other hand, can bite me. And probably would.)

"Malegaunt" actually was a minor figure in some of the Arthurian romances. The name's something of a pun, using the old English and French which were the blended speech of the time; "mal" is French for "bad," and "gaunt" is an OE word for "man". Thus, quite literally, "Malegaunt" means "bad guy."

I can't answer the whole crossbow question (not without doing research, which goes against my inherent laziness), but I do know that the longbow was practically unknown to Europe until Henry V reintroduced it at the Battle of Agincourt. So crossbows of some sort, short bows, and thrown rocks were your basic projectile weapons in the 5th century.

Nathan Shumate
http://www.coldfusionvideo.com

They were used in 341 BC, if King Arthur was set in China this movie would be accurate! In England crossbows weren't introduced until 1066 AD! And I'm sure the pistol version that was portrayed in the movie is a fairly recent addition to the crossbow's history. I've played role playing games for some 20 years now and have researched the hell out of medieval history and have never seen a picture of a pistol crossbow in any historical books.

The crossbow was designed to punch through plate armor at close range. A pistol version would never be able to do this.

On a side note I've read three different versions of King Arthur and have never heard of Malagent, doesn't mean he wasn't in the story, but he certainly wasn't a major player. And Galahad was the bastard son of Guinevere and Lancelot so it would be a surprise indeed if he was there at the beginning of the story. He didn't come around until the search for the Grail. I've read three different versions and either Galahad, or Percival or both found the Grail. Gawain DID play a major role in the Lancelot and Guinevere story, he hated Lancelot and fought for Arthur's honor when the affair was discovered. In one version he was the one who was going to run Guinevere through with a lance when Lancelot appeared and rescued her.

A timeline of the crossbow can be found here:

http://www.jscrossbows.com/history.htm

Great Web site keep it up. Funny stuff.

Ugh. _First Knight_. I went with a friend to see this in a theater. During the night attack (what year is that, again?), he leaned over and said "Mordred's men, disguised as sheep, surround the camp". And just then, through the magic of the Jump Cut, the sheep turn into guys under sheepskins!

Anyway, a quick web search turns up: http://open.hr/crossbow/crossbow.html. I'll quote: The larger crossbows, which threw heavy missiles, were military weapons and required several men to operate them. The crossbow was used in England chiefly during the 13th century. After that time it was largely replaced by the longbow. During and after the 10th century a deadly new weapon found its way into the European arsenal. The crossbow was capable of flinging a missile about 300 m (about 1000 ft) and piercing chain mail. Mounted on a stock of wood, the bow itself was made of metal. The crossbow was so deadly that it was outlawed by Catholics - at least for use against Christians - in the Lateran Council of 1139. It was too popular, however, to be banished and remained in use well into 15th century when it was displaced by firearms."

Huh?: Howcome anyone wears armor? Not one blow was ever turned by the armor.

What was up with the evil guy's lair? If it' on top of a cliff, how can it be dripping water all the time?

Someone, _please_ stay to guard the princess, in case this is a diversionary attack.... and so on.

Loyal fan since you were linked to BadMoviePlanet,
DeVerne

Greetings!

Glad to see you could enjoy "Sword & the Sorcerer" -- I've always thought it was a good fun-stupid sort of flick. And thanks for saving me from "First Knight" -- I'd thought about checking it out, but I'm just as happy skipping on it (I'm no real fan of Gere anyhow).

As for the crossbow thing, I'm not sure it makes any difference since every Arthurian movie ever made uses architecture & technology from a good 500 years after Arthur. If there was a real King Arthur, his round table was probably set in a motte & bailey fortress made out of logs and mud. But he almost certainly had crossbows. Although the elaborate and very powerful siege crossbows came much later, simple crossbows were used for hunting in Europe as early as the 4th century, probably much earlier; in the Far East, records of crossbows date back into the BC era. (This is what you get when you cross a movie addict with a bachelor's degree in history.)

Thanks!
Meanwhile, have fun.
Bruce V. Edwards
www.cathuria.com/bcd

The Crossbow was used in China as early as 6th century BC...The Romans used a big version called the Arbalest as a siege weapon...Appearently, smaller versions were used from early
Dark Ages up to the 13th century AD in England, until replaced by the longbow..

Pat Baker

Nope! You are absolutely right. No crossbows in the 6th century. I'm not sure about the dating, but I think they were invented in the 13th century, about seven hundred years afterward. I read an article on this recently, which brought up the fact that crossbows were among the first targets of
weapons-control laws (this was a law intended to apply all over Europe--and its author was none other than the Pope!)

Celtic 6th century castles really sucked as far as comfort went. Most of them consisted of single towers on hilltops, with stone walls about ten feet thick. They were fairly impregnable (unless the attackers managed to somehow immolate your flameables, in which case you were ROYALLY screwed), and very cramped and drafty. I haven't seen all of First Knight, but I did see the part where bandits or whatever waylaid Guinevere. Julia Ormond portrayed the queen somewhere
along the lines of a Victorian lady, which a 6th century Celtic queen wouldn't have been. In fact,
queens of the era were highly trained in the combat arts (this had a quasi-religious meaning to the
Celts), so Guinevere would have picked up her spear and kicked bandit ass. The most famous of the Celtic queens was Boudicca, who led an anti-Roman massacre on London, 1st century A.D. This rampage left about 20,000 dead.

I'm pretty sure there was a Malagent in the Authorian legends, but he was something of a supernatural presence, if I'm remembering my lore correctly. He was certainly a minor villain, hardly a Morgan or Mordred.

Anyway, I find your site probably the most enjoyable B-movie site on the net. It always keeps me amused. Keep up the good work! (Oh, and by the way, if you wanna see a truly execrable Sword and Sorcery movie, you need look no further than the Dungeons and Dragons Movie. It comes complete with another example of "the gaunlet" for the movie's hero to pass through).

Later,
TSW

Dear Dante,

As a member of the SCA (a middle-ages recreation group), I can say with solid knowledge that crossbows were not introduced until around the 13/14th century when peasants and townspeople
were conscripted to fight. Before that, English (British) farmers were trained from an early age to be longbowmen (Bravehart is a good example of this). The crossbow was brought about so that
the average Joe could fight a ranged battle without all the training and conditioning a longbowman needed.

James Lawson

I have a few good suggestions on some movies you would probley be interested in: Video Game Based Movies. These films are mostley cheesey and stupid but I am centain you would like to review them.

The list is as follows:

Super Mario Bros.

Double Dragon

Wing Commanter

Street Fighter [Live Action Version with Van Dame]

This is all I can think of right now. If you have time on your hands be sure to check
them out.

You know it seems as if the only good video game based movie would Final Fantasy and probely that Tomb Raider movie[haven't seen that one yet].

Your web site really kicks. Keep up the good work.

AF

With the exception of Double Dragon I haven't played any of those games, but it is an interesting idea. I think Andrew at Badmovies.org has reviewed Double Dragon. I've almost rented Wing Commander a few times. Wasn't that Rauol Julia's last movie?

I've not seen the movie Blood Surf, and from the way it sounds I'm lucky. But I thought I'd try to answer a couple of questions you had.

Yes, some sharks will hunt through heavy waves. They're under the water so the waves don't affect them much. However, they do disorient any marine mammals that go to the surface to take a breath, giving the sharks excellent opportunity to snag a meal.

And, yes, there are saltwater crocodiles and they are the largest type of crocodile, I believe. The average Nile crocodile might be a bit larger but in the biggest of the big, the saltwater wins out. There might very well be a few 31-footers out there somewhere.

"Is there even such a thing as a salt water crocodile?"

Sure is! They seem to be one of Steve Irwin's favorite animals...

Brandi

Thanks, Zandor, Brandi. I just wonder what other little heard of animal might show uo in a b movie next. I can see it now...tagline: He looks silly, but you won't laugh at THE PLATYPUS!!!

All hail the dark masters (does that heavy metal finger thing),

Well, you wanted comment from an Australian, so here it comes.

SEPTICS - Much to my eternal shame, back in my parents and grandparents generation (I'm 25), Australia had a habit of apeing English popular culture, particularly rhyming slang. Yank = Septic Tank, hence Septic or Seppo. Now we have the annoying habit of apeing American pop-culture, so
just call people mother-[unwrite]er and the like. As you can see, we are a progressive nation.

BLACK PEOPLE - Cultural melting pot, blah, blah, blah. Seriously, sometimes I think movie producers get us mixed up with pre-aparthied South Africa.

SHARKS - Damn straight we have a lot of sharks around the country, but they rarely take people (only 5 or 6 a year). Beaches are quite often closed due to shark warnings.

BLOOD SURF - Damn right sending this pile of amphibian [unwrite] to the inferno. Kate Fischer didn't even show her goodies (the only thing that could recommend it). She's quite famous here for attending the opening of an envelope and/or showing off her assets. Oh well. Watch Sirens instead.

Salt-Water Crocs do exist, but they are smaller than their fresh water cousins. We have them in some areas here.

I guess that about wraps it up.

Daniel, from the land formerly known ad "Down Under"
Cloning-The sincerest form of flattery.

Thanks for the Information, Daniel. Even if Fischer had shown her...uh, talents...Blood Surf still would have been lacking. I will admit though, she is a pretty lady. As for Australia's ring of Sharks, I guess Charlie just had a very unlucky day. He fell in the water right where a bunch of sharks were hanging out. Looks like he walked under a ladder that morning or something. As for calling Americans 'septics'...well, I've been called worse. I just wanted to know exactly what it meant.

I read your review and was much impressed by it, it truly does sound like a crappy movie. However, one thing you said stuck in my mind: "Race shouldn't be a concern for your romantic relationships." I fully agree with that idea. However, if you don't find females of a diffirent raace
attractive, does that make you a racist? I'm not attempting to argue, I'm simply interested in your opinion on this idea. Oh, and cool site too :)

Not being attracted to females of a different race doesn't make one a racist. I don't find redheads particularly attractive (except for Suzie Martin, but I haven't seen here since 1982). Its simply a matter of choice. Oh, and trust me, Alien Warrior was one really crappy movie.

Hi, Mike.

Just a line to let you know that "sprog" is simply an Australian nickname for a young child - kind of like "rugrat".

Oh, and The Fly is set in Canada.

I was pleased that you thought Andre was an SOB for putting the cat - his kid's pet!! - through his damn matter transmitter. That scene always freaks me out, but most people just laugh.... [*sniff*] And I think the reason Andre doesn't yell, "I'LL BE [unwrite]ING RICH!!" is because he already [unwrite]ing is - I always crack up when Vincent Price says, oh-so-casually, "We both have more money than we know what to do with...."

Take care,

Liz

I'm not too sure, but when he calls his son 'sprog' (which is a british word for child) isn't that just a pet name, like calling your kid sprout, or kid???

I always thought that Sprog was actually the kids name. I guess this may be like "how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?". The world may never know. As for Andre being already filthy rich, he could still try and takeover the world! Hey, if I invent a matter telporter thats what I'm going to do.

I'm no fan of Kevin Costner so I skipped this one, but from the way people talked about both the movie and the book it's based on, the book is apparently really quite good, far better than the movie.

Brandi

I actually enjoyed the Postman, but it was TOO LONG. And I can understand why people don't like Costner that much. He's nowhere near as charismatic as he tries to be and I don't even think he's that good of an actor. During Desert Storm they set up a little tent for us grunts to watch movies in...one of them was "Revenge". Man, we booed Costner so hard I think the Iraqis heard us over the border.

I'm a little late on commenting on this movie, but I thought you'd like the detail about Helene being threatened with execution cleared up.

First of all, I need to point out that the movie doesn't take place in France, but Quebec - though I can understand the mixup, because the mention of where the story is taking place is made very quickly.

Second, at the time this movie was made, Canada still had a death penalty, and hanging was the method of execution. So yes, Helene could very well have been sent to the gallows had she been tried and found guilty.

Thanks Greywizard. I don't even recall being told where the movie was taking place, but I probably missed it.

Dear Dante;

I enjoy your site, but then, I like most "Bad Movie" sites. I was reading your review of the above-mentioned movie and wish to correct you on a point, if you don't mind.
I think it was in 1709 that Blackbeard was killed in a South Carolina bay by the ROYAL Navy (Not the USN as you stated). The movie did (Kind of) have the name right, the officer in charge of the battle (That ended with a LOT of British killed and wounded) was Lt. Maynard.

Really? I could have sworn I read somewhere that it was the US Navy, but I could be wrong. Let me check on that....because if it was 1709 it certainly couldn't have been the US Navy as there was no US to begin with. Thanks for the information!

ADDENDUM: You were right, Mr. Harn....Blackbeard was killed by the Royal Navy! But according to this website it was in 1718 or afterwards, not 1709.

Really liked your review of Run Lola Run. I wasn't sure I would like it either, but I thought it was great. You wondered where the movie was filmed, so I did a little research. (Well, I checked the IMDB anyway), and, according to what I could find, the movie was shot in Berlin. The only specific streets named were Friedrichstra�e, Mitte, Berlin and Wilmersdorfer Stra�e, Charlottenburg. Berlin.

Hope your arm is doing better. Have a good one.
--
Rick

Hi Dante!

I came across the Inferno through a number of other Bad Movie Sites, and I really enjoy reading your comments, even though I hardly know any of the movies. Run, Lola, Run was one of the few I'd ever seen. You wanted to know what city it's about, that's why I'm writing. The city is Berlin. I saw the movie in the German version and I also enjoyed it very much.

Greetings,

moonfeather

My thanks to everyone that wrote to tell me that Run Lola, Run was filmed in Berlin. I didn't watch the DVD commentary as I had to take the DVD back to the local german video store, they have pretty steep late fees. I've only been to Berlin once in all my time here. Contrary to popular thought, its not the capitol, thats in Bonn. Oh, asnd Rick, thanks about the arm. Still hurts like the dickens, but I think I'll live. (Who knows...maybe when I retire I'll get disability?)

While I give Pumpkinhead the same rating as you I think you were too generous on Pumpkinhead 2. I just hated it. Also, I liked the whole idea that at the end Harley will be the new Pumpkinhead (a whole cycle of revenge type metaphor. Call it trite if you will but I liked it). I just wish they used it in the second film. Were they're actaually "Blood Wings" in Pumpkinhead 2: Blood
Wings. It was just a bad movie. But I like the first one. I don't know why but I'm kinda partial too it. Also, I'm not sure if you know but McFarlane toys made a Pumpkinhead figure for their horror movie toyline "Movie Maniacs".They also made figures of Freddy, Jason, Leatherface and best of all, the Evil Dead Trilogies' Ash! SWEET!

You know, I've never seen the Evil Dead. Ever. I rented Army of Darkness once and fell asleep.

Hello. You didn't mention that The Beast wants to marry Lyssa - even offering to assume Colwyn's form to make the wedding night less stressful for her. The question is why hit on the humanoid woman - who finds him hideous - instead of finding himself a Lady Beast and raising Beastlets?

The answer, of course, is that The Monster Always Lusts After The Girl, even when nothing can come of it. Example: The Creature From The Black Lagoon had it bad for Julie Adams, even though he was as totally smooth between the legs as Barbie's boyfriend Ken. But The Creature carrying off the unconscious girl was featured on the poster - and on the posters for all sorts of other schlock horror movies. Sandra

An udate for the "huh?" section of operation cobra. The nude girl in dragon's room in the hotel is not Shalimar but the receptionist who leads him into the hotel as soon as he arrives in india.
I guesss like i find distinguishing between chinese faces, u find it difficult to distinguish between the indian faces...
Thanks,
Mayank.

I've never really had any trouble distinguishing faces of Indians, but then I've only met maybe about a dozen Indians in my entire life. Still, I'll take your word for it that I made a mistake. The only time i've actually had problems distinguishing chinese people is in cheaply dubbed movies...not because I think they look alike but because sometimes I can't catch the names and bad dubbing makes it hard to keep track of who is doing what. I would never subscribe to the fact that an entire people all look alike....that would be like saying all black people look alike and I KNOW I'm better looking than Denzel Washington. :)

I just saw "Final Voyage" on cable. I remembered your review of it, and I wanted to se for myself. Boy, were you ever right. What a stinkbomb. I noticed something in the movie that I think would be a "Huh?" moment, but I'm not sure. Was it at all logical that an air-sea rescue team from an aircraft carrier would all be wearing desert camouflage?

Rick

Yikes! You're right, Rick. That doesn't make any sense unless the Carrier was somewhere where desert BDU's would be needed. ...and it wasn't. But then again, it wasn't like quality was written all over that movie.

First off I would like to say that I've been reading your archives for the past few days after finding a link over at Stomp Tokyo. I've been duly impressed. I like your style.

In your review for Deep Star Six you wondered about the dude exploding when he decompressed a bit too rapidly. Now in my SCUBA course they covered what to do in case you got the Bends or some such nasty thing. If someone were to come up from that deep that quickly then blood vessels would pop, probably their lungs would have the expanding air blown out of them. However I don't think that the dude would have exploded like he did. He would have reached the surface seeping all sorts of nasty crap and he would have been quite dead.

Also I thought that the plot for "Phantom of the Mall" was somewhat interesting for one reason. I've read the original novel by Gaston Leroux, and the name of the phantom in the book was Eric. In the book he also planned on blowing up the theater if Christine, his love, wouldn't marry
and live with him under some caves in the theater. It makes me sick that the plot to such an incredible book and musical was bastardized for the sake of a cheap 80's material girl mentality movie with Pauly Shore in it.

Keep up the good work at the site though. I love the reviews!

-Andrew Beymer
News Writer - Total RPG
http://www.totalrpg.net

Thanks for writing Andrew. I don't know anything about scuba diving, but I think that movies always show a guy exploding, just like they do when someone gets ejected into space. As for Phantom of the Mall, Pauly Shore can ruin anything he's in with his mere presence.

I never new that Ultraman ever made it to the states. I wish I could see it. When I was in Japan when I was in grade 2 I saw some of the Ultraman merchandise and what seemed to be an Ultraman monster encyclopedia and was curious. Also it had a super-nintendo fighting game. There was also a similar game I played in Thailand (I traveled a lot) for the forgotten 3DO entertainment system
which was pretty cool. Do you know what the story was about? I'm curious.

Anyway, about Johnny. I wish there was a Johnny in my past but being a child of the eighties we mostly had Thundercats and Robotech (not that there bad). And while I have seen the Mighty Hercules (dude, what the hell was Newt's problem. He keeps repeating EVERYTHING) there is no live action giant robot. Sure there was a surge of shows in the mid-nineties (Power Ranger and their rip-offs) but by then I was far too old for that. However, these days I'm an anime-aholic so I got to my university where they show anime every Saturday night. They also get fansubbed shows yet to be brought over hear via video company.

My point? Well, I came across a cartoon called Giant Robo and it seems to be loosely based on Johnny Sokko. The plot is that the son of a supergenius controls Giant Robo, the only nuclear powered machine left (everything else is powered by a non-polluting form of energy). Giant Robo and the boy team up with this team of guys to stop an evil organization called Big Fire from ruling
the world. It's not the best anime but it's kinda fun in a brainless adventure sort of way. It was only Six episodes though.

PS. After seeing Iczer One, you should check out the first Project A-Ko movie which spoofs 80's anime. The C-Ko character is one of the most annoying ever created but the jabs at stupidly designed robots and an alien race full of women (who don't even look like women. Ugh.) is amusing.

You might be able to find Ultraman on video, at least the first for episodes. Theres also an updated version from Australia called "Ultraman: To the Future" but I didn't like it very much. I've seen Giant Robo, the animated series, and I thought it was darn good! As for Project A-Ko, I've seen it years ago, but don't recall much.

Bwah hah hah...'tis I, the Dune-knowing one, the mighty Fusionaddict!!!

Okay just kidding...a few personal gems...

Army of Darkness - Ash takes two many drops of the magic potion and wakes up 100 years late, to find that he slept right through the Apocalypse!

The Thing - The helicopter comes and rescues MacReady, who then turns into the Thing and devours the crew.

Blade - 1) Blade defeats La Magra (who looks like a ten story tall chocolate pudding tornado), and he and Karen go back topside...to see a vampire walking around in the daylight! 2) Blade defeats La Magra and we go to the familiar scene in Moscow...only to find that the Russian vampire is actually Whistler, who didn't kill himself like we thought.

Clerks - Dante is killed in a holdup at the Quick-Stop.

Have a good'rn...and don't forget, Frank Herbert's DUNE - The Miniseries is now available at your local video store! Check it out...that chick playing Chani is friggin' HOT!!!

Wow! How do I get pyro like that? Actually I like the Blade ending with Whistler as a vampire...I wonder what'll happen in Blade II?

Dante,Long time reader, second time writer. I wrote you awhile back regarding thecut and paste ninja movies. I still go back and read those reviews wheneverI need to laugh my ass off!Anyway, just wanted to write and say how much I like the new site. Glad tosee that you moved from Tripod. Good luck to you at your new home and keepthe great reviews coming.By the way...could you please review Python, with Casper Van Dien? I need agood laugh.Take it easy man,

Python is on my to watch list. I did rent it once but I didn't get to watch it.

You recently discussed alternate endings to movies, and wondered just howmany are out there. Here's one that just possibly could have been constrcted- I've had it in mind for some time now. Since it just rearranges footagefrom the movie, it actually could be constructed even by an amateur videoeditor with his PC editing software.STAR WARS - ALTERNATE ENDING[Up to this point, the movie has progressed normally](Scene 1) Luke is flying towards the Death Star's exhaust port, with DarthVader on his heels. Normally, this would be the point where Han Solo comesout of nowhere and blasts Vader away. In this version, though, Han doesn'tappear. Instead we immediately cut to Luke firing his torpedos at the exhaust port. We then cut to...(Scene 2) ...footage from earlier in the battle, when a previous attempt wasmade at firing torpedos at the exhaust port. Though in this context, Lukehas failed in his last chance to save the rebels! We then cut to...(Scene 3) ...footage from earlier in the movie, when the Death Star startedup, shot at and blew up Princess Leia's planet. Though in this context, itnow becomes the Death Star blowing up the planet where the rebels were stationed. The rebellion has been wiped out! We then cut to...(Scene 4) ...footage from earlier in the battle, when Luke was teary abouthis friend Biggs dying. Though in this context, it is now Luke beingteary-eyed about screwing up big time! It's all his fault! We then cut to...(Scene 5) ...footage from the original cut where Darth Vader finally locksonto that quick-moving scamp Luke. Though just before the movie has a chanceto show Han coming in to save the day, we instead cut to...(Scene 6) ...earlier footage in the battle where Darth Vader's ship shot atand blew up a rebel ship in the trench. Though in this context, it's reallyLuke getting shot and killed! End credits, triumpant music!

Good ideas, but remember, Greywizard, there are rabid fan boys out there that would have Lucas tarred and feathered if he dared change the ending.

Hello Dante. I've been an Ironside fan ever since the original SCANNERS. You want him as a hero? Check out MIND FIELD (Can 1990) in which he is the hero cop and Christopher Plummer is the villain. Ironside gets laid in that one.

Hi again. That movie was shown on tv here as LJS: Return to Treasure Island. Scurvy is a deficiency disease caused by a lack of vitamin C in the diet. It used to be a real scourge on long voyages, in the days of wooden sailing ships, when it took months to get anywhere, and the crew had to live on salted and dried food. It can be cured by eating fresh fruits and vegetables. Eventually the British navy started making lemon juice a part of the daily rations, mixed with rum. Then they decided limes were cheaper, which is why the British are called Limeys.

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I didn't know that. At least Limey sounds better than Lemonhead.

Hello, Great site you have here, and I really enjoy it!:) However, there was a glaring error in your entry on XTRO, and I'm hoping your not upset with mefor nitpicking (though I did figure that you'd want your synopsis to be asaccurate as possible!). In the synopsis to the story, you say that the quadrapedal alien thatappears early in the movie kills the man in the car, and then rapes hisgirlfriend, impregnating her. Incorrect!! The alien kills the man, after he hits the creature with his car, and who then foolishly goes to "investigate"(the injured alien somehow kills the man by hitting him in the face with itstongue, which made about as much sense as anything else in this film). Then,the creature approached his girlfriend in the car, and instead of raping her,it simply kills her by ripping her stomach open. Very soon after this scene,it appears in the home of ANOTHER woman (not the man's girlfriend, who it killed!), and she is the one who get's raped and impregnated (it was a ratherbizarre rape, as the creature distended some sort of tubular organ from itslower abdomen and attaches it to her mouth). I know this makes no sense, and forces you to ask yourself why the damn alien didn't simply impregnate thefirst woman it came across, rather then just killing her and then going tothe trouble of seeking out another women, which there was no guarantee itwould find...but, as you pointed out, not much in that film made any senseanyway, least of all the alien's motivations for doing anything! Keep up the good work;)

Thanks Chris. I'll have to add your corrections to the review as an addendum! The movie Xtro was so boring that I probably filled in the blanks of the parts my mind wiped out.

I just discovered your site (thanks Greywizard), and was poking around, when I saw this bit asking about Ginger Lynn Allen. (Pardon me if you already heard this from someone else.) She was definitely not on Eastenders. Actually, she's a former porn star who moved on to really cheap bad movies
(that's what I know her from). I can't remember exactly which ones, but they were the awful stuff USA used to show in their "Up All Night" back in the early 90s. There was one series of movies that was some kind of bad Police Academy rip-off that she was in a couple of. There were others, but I've mercifully forgotten them. She was never the worst thing in the movie, but I never saw anything special about her.

One movie I could "recommend" to you in a so-bad-its-funny way is a piece of dreck called "Witch Academy", made in the late 80s-early 90s. It features Priscilla Barnes from "Three's Company" in a display of overacting that would make Shatner bow his head in admiration, as well the usual no-talents. Oh, and Robert Vaughn as the Devil. I think it's a Roger Corman movie, and I enjoyed it in its lousiness.

2 other notes:
1)I did see the original Wasp Woman in a MST3K episode, and it was very
different from your description of the remake. (Not surprising, I think it's
from 1964 or so.) Pretty funny Mystery Science Theatre, though.

2)You're absolutely right about The Warriors - great flick! Somebody should
remake it - maybe as a sci-fi type on a poor planet (it really wouldn't fit
in current-day NY)- it's a perfect setup for a big summer movie.

Anyway, I enjoy the site a lot (although some of your comment don't make
sense if you haven't seen the movie - but they're still funny!)

Devin McCullen

Witch Academy with Priscilla Barnes, huh? Oh, yeah, baby, I gotta see that....Barnes was so completely awful in the movies I've seen her in that her features scream fot the Inferno. As for the Stranger, I really hope Kathy Long makes another action flick someday. She's easy on the eyes and she kicks ass!

Hi Dante

I enjoyed the movie BugBuster. It made no sense but, hey, if I wanted a movie to make sense I wouldn't rent ones with names like "BugBuster." I thought General George's commercials were pretty funny, particularly the one where he blows up a stray cat with a bazooka or something. The best moment in the movie, for me, is when the sheriff is holding his gun on the heroes and Steve steps in front of Katherine Heigl and says, "If you wanna shoot her, you'll have to shoot me first." The sheriff says, "Ok," and does it! I've always wanted that to happen in a bad movie! In fact, the entire movie came off like something made by some movie geeks just so they could put in stuff they always wanted to happen. I've gotta respect that.

As for Xtro . . . puuuuuuke! After that jerk ran over the alien at the beginning and got out of his car, then yelled at his wife to stay put, I was hoping she'd drive off and leave him. I sure would have! In fact, the movie was too hostile toward women for me. Think about it: the aforementioned woman in the car is treated badly by her idiot husband, another woman is raped by an alien monster and then is split apart giving birth to a full-grown man, the old lady is murdered by the bastard little kid, and the nanny is treated as a sex object and then turned into a puddle of goo that does nothing but spew out embryos. The movie seems to think women have no value outside of sex and giving birth. After they give birth, they don't even have value as parents, as indicated by the sour realationship between the boy and his mother. I could go on, but I don't really feel like analyzing a lousy British movie that sucks so much it has to steal its music from Dr. Who. (Yes, I recognize it, too, but for the life of me I can't remember the episode.)

You're right....the sheriff shooting George was pretty cool. But the rest of the movie was kind of blah for me. I don't know about the sexual undertones of Xtro, though. That movie was like one of those wierdass dreams you have after eating a pot of volcano hot jalapeno chili and drinking a 12 pack....you wake upo in the morning, spend an hour on the can and think "What the [unwrite] was that about?".

Dante:

Please, man get a shorter e-mail address.

Anne Lockhart is June's daughter. She appeared in "Trolls" as a younger June (they doo look a lot alike) and was Sheba on Battlestar Galactica. I know she has done some other things, but nothing comes to mind.

Glad to see you on a new site, like the design a lot.

Keep up the good work.

Pat Baker

Thanks Pat. As for the email address, I kind of like it. Yeah, its a pain to type, but then again, you don't have to type it, just hit the email link. Besides, do you know how hard it was to get an email name with Dante in it?

Hiya Dante,

Great new site. Happy you got moved over. You are one of the bright spots on an often dark web.

Jon

Hey, thanks, man. Thats one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.

<<I have no idea who Anne Lockhart is. I wonder is she's related to June
Lockhart, from Lost in space (the series not the movie). >>

Yes, June is Anne's mother. They both appear together in Troll (1986). June plays an old woman who at the end of the film gets de-aged and they have Anne come in for the cameo. The resemblance is remarkable when you see it. Another bit of trivia about Troll while it's on my mind is the main protagonist is a boy named Harry Potter and the move has all sorts of magic going on. This
is long before Ms. Rowling put pen to paper on the Harry Potter books. Weird, but true.

Jon

While watching the original first ten episodes of the original Lost in space I see that a younger June Lockhart has a passing resemblance to a girl I used to date in Kentucky. Now thats weird! (Because by default that means I thought she was kinda hot....dear God, I can't believe I just typed that.)

Hi Dante -

Me again. I just read your review of the "Power Rangers" movie, and Iwanted to mention that I think that "Power Rangers" is, if not a ripoff- I may have been overly harsh in the title of my email - basically a rather poor photocopy of the first and greatest "sentai" series, "Goranger". (Just in case you don't know, "sentai" is the Japanese for "group" or "team" and refers, in this context, to the live-action shows featuring groups of colorfully costumed heroes and heroines battling hordes of evildoers.)

Anyway, when I was living on Okinawa from 1974-1977, I had the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see LOTS of classic live-action and animated Japanese TV - sentai, anime, Ultraman (the Ultraman series running when I arrived on Okinawa 8/74 was "Ultraman Leo"), you nameit. (The animes running in the mid-'70's were chiefly of the giant-fighting-mecha sort - Raiden, Gaiking, Maizinger, Combatra V, et al. I've always been mystified that I've been able to find so little on
them on the Web, but I digress badly...)

ANYHOW - and finally getting to my point - "Goranger" ran in 1975-76,and was a real trip. The basic plot concerned this group of 5 people who were attached to a military organization (not the Japanese Ground Self-Defense Force, though they had the full panoply of modern weaponry)
who fought this evil organization that is almost indescribable(especially since I've already had a few beers as I type this)...anyway,one salient fact you should know is that one of their main weapons were these gigantic weapons platforms that looked like demonic oil drillingplatforms which would rumble up from underground at intervals, and which the bad guys would bombard Tokyo from.

Anyway (yet again)...the good guys (the Goranger team) were color-coded - red, blue, green, pink, yellow, and numbered 1 - 5. It's been so long, I forget all their real-world personalities - but the actress who played the pink Goranger was a babe who'd always sashay around in white hot pants and white go-go boots (in fact, she was such a big star at the time that I would swear on a stack of Bibles that she was one of the featured celebrities during the pre-match show before the notorious bout between Muhammad Ali and the Japanese pro wrestler Antonio Iwaki, which I and my stepdad watched live on Japanese-language TV)

And ANYWAY (a fourth time...) every week, these Gorangers would sally forth in their Varidorin (a eye-poppingly colorful VTOL turboprop craft made up to look like some sort of bird of prey) and Varitank (a sort of APC with extendable claws which could tunnel underground at frightening
rates of speed) to fight hordes of black-clad opponents and theirunlikely leaders (one week it might be a honcho with a head like a giantbaseball, another it might be a chieftain with a head like a great white shark...) The head dude of the evil organization had a hood over his
head at first like a Klan Grand Wizard, but later on in the series the "hood" opened up to show this really whacked metallic cobalt-blue makeup job. I am to gather from that that, as seems to be the rule with most Japanese SF TV series anime or live, the villains were some sort ofextraterrestrials. (I don't expect we can expect to see any Japanese joining the "Welcome Space Brothers" crew that hangs out at Roswell, canyou?)

I am desolated to have to say that I have never heard of "Goranger" being available on video in the US, but then my experience is not quite as wide as that of others in the bad-movie community - the fine gentlemen at Stomp Tokyo pointed me to the classic disaster epic "The Submersion of Japan" the other evening, so maybe they'll know where to find "Goranger". Anyway, this is just to let you know that there is sentai stuff out there that makes "Power Rangers" look limp and lame...

-Joe-

It doesn't take a lot to make the Power Rangers look lame. Its scary how popular they were with kids though. Like Pokemon' which I hate hate hate. But thabks for the information, Joe! Very informative. (According to another letter, Joe has a huge collection of Japanese action figures....I am green with envy.)

Dear Dante,
I'll reply to your other letter soon enough, and I'll give you my long-winded explanation to the question of what the alien was up to in XTRO (I've seen the movie a few times, and I'm confidant that I have a partialclue over his enigmatic motivations, outside of the fact that the script
was simply rushed, and that it put more emphasis on what was happening, then
why these things were happening, just like many bad cartoons!).

Okay, I thought you'd appreciate a few more corrections here:) In your entry on Howard the Duck, in the Nudity and Sex section, there was two bits of actual nudity that you missed listing (though considering what they were, I can't really blame you!). Nevertheless, I thought that in the interests
of completeness (if not good taste!) I'd list them for ya:) In the beginning of the movie, when Howard was still on Duckworld, when he was reading Playduck, he was looking at the centerfold, which depicted a nude female duck, including her breasts! And if that wasn't enough, when the cosmic hook first snatched Howard, and dragged him through his world before bringing him to Cleveland on Earth (thus giving us a brief and not particularly wanted tour of Duckworld) he was pulled through a nearby apartment, into the bathroom, where a nude female duck was taking a bath, and again, her human-like breasts were clearly visible; I guess the waterfowl in this dimension were mammalian in nature, since birds in our reality do not produce milk and do not suckle their young, and would therefore have no biological reason to have mammary glands! This was obviously another "duck joke", albeit a particularly illogical one.
Also, Howard was actually an extradimensional, not an extraterrestrial, even though that fact was obscured in the script, and may have been so because the scriptwriters assumed that the audience wouldn't know what another dimension was, despite the fact that in a voice-over narrative
early in the film, it took words directly from the comics by explaining that "every permutation" exists throughout the universe, though they should have used
the term "multiverse". However, when Howard first appeared, written by Steve Gerber himself, in Adventure Into Fear #19, Steve clearly described Howard as coming from another dimension, as he appeared in the swamp outside of Citrusville, Florida that is guarded by the Man-Thing, and is the Nexus of Realities in the Marvel Universe. Howard was yanked from his home reality (later unimaginatively called Duckworld for all-too obvious reasons) as a result of the Nexus being thrown out of tilt by the arch-demon Thog the Nether-Spawn, which also brought Korek the Barbarian from the Hyborian-like reality called Kartharta to Marvel-Earth. Having nothing else to do, Howard joined Korek, the Man-Thing, the benevolent sorceror Dakimh the Enchanter and his protege' Jennifer Kale, to battle Thog and his demonic henchmen in an attempt to set the Cosmic Axis right again, and return home. In part 2 of this 2-part story, which jumped over to Man-Thing (first series) #1, Howard was allegedly killed off when he fell off of the Stepping Stones of Oblivion. Comic fans are largely unaware that Gerber (whose 1970's Man-Thing stories were some of the best stories in comic book format ever written) initially created Howard as simply an outre throwaway character for just that story! So many fans demanded his return (much to Marvel's and Gerber's surprise) that
he was brought back to Marvel-Earth (specifically, to Cleveland for the first time), first as a back-up feature in the last two issues of Giant-Size Man-Thing (#'s 4 and 5, where he battled Garrko the Man-Frog and the bovine vampire known as the Hellcow, respectively), and went from there to the
first issue of his own comic, also written by Gerber, where he ceased to be just a wacky fantasy character, and instead concentrated on satire of every sort imaginable and relevant in the 70's, and this first issue also introduced his human love interest, Beverly Switzler (it also guest-starred Spider-Man, which may or may not have been Gerber's idea). I just thought you may be interested in knowing Howard's early comic book history if you didn't already:)

Oh, in your Huh? section, you should not only point out the thing with the duck breasts, but also another, and similar, glaring inconsistancy designed just for laughs, but at the expense of logic (not surprising in this movie, alas). When Howard first spent the night at Bev's house, she went through
his wallet, and found a condom! (I kid you not...that scene is there!). Now, considering that birds (like their close cousins, reptiles and amphibians) do not have external genitalia, what the hell good would a condom do them!!?? Even though the female anthropomorphized ducks on Duckworld were seen to have hooters, we could clearly see that the male humanoid ducks had no wee-wees!!
Why the hell would the females have human secondary sexual characteristics, but the males wouldn't? Why would nature in that reality create a species-unadvantageous sexual anomaly in one gender, but not the other?? That condom looked identical to the type of condom that we humans use on Earth! But how would one of the humanoid ducks possibly use this birth control implement when they do not have an external reproductive organ??!! Yes, of course we all know that this scene (like the duck breasts) were included just for laughs (too bad it didn't work), but it was still damn illogical!!

Sorry, Dante, but I think you need to include this atrocity in the entry...it's too bad not to!!
Oh, and finally, I thought I'd point out that Godzilla (unlike Gamera) in the Toho films does not actually breathe fire, but rather concentrated radiation, which does have a heat effect, but is not actually flame. This common misperception of the Big G (like the claims that he was 400 feet
tall, when in reality, in the original series, he was "only" 160 feet, though he gradually more then doubled in size in the second series, though he's back to his original height in the third) was played up in the Hanna-Barbera animated series, where he did actually breathe fire. And btw, as much as the Sony film sucked (and did it ever!), the animated TV series spun off from it was actually good (and Godzilla's atomic breath was restored, though it too seemed to resemble flame here). Thus, if this series is ever available on video, you should check it out, and even review it...as much as I can't
stand Devlin and Emmerich (who likewise produced the animated series), the
stories (including the new interpretation of Nick Tatopolous) showed how the moviecould have been!

I'm going to have to add your comments to the Howard the Duck review soon. Obviously you're informed on the old comic book...I barely remember it. I had one or two Howard comics when I was a kid, but I never really understood them. Iwas too young to really get into the satire, but I wish I could find the reprints for them now. As for Godzilla, yeah, I know his breath isn't exactly flame, I just fell into the habit of calling it that. The cartoon version of it isn't that bad...its a lot better than the movie...but I really can't stand that movie so I'm a bit prejudiced against anything having to do with it.

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