New GI Joe Ideas
After reading this fantastic reader review of GI Joe: The Movie I happened to find a copy of it in a local video store. I hadn't seen it myself for years, and figured I'd better purchase it....I don't think the movie is still in print....and the DVD was a paltry 7 bucks.
I'll admit this....I was too old to play with the toys in the 80's but I liked watching the cartoons. When I was a kid GI Joes were like 8 inches tall and had a kung fu grip. They also spoke! If you pulled the string on their back they'd say stuff like "I have a tough assignment for you!". Admit it, guys...if you're old enough to remember that you still watched the cartoons in the 80's.
The idea that kids couldn't handle death wasn't really the reason GI Joe: The Movie was dubbed to change the deaths of several characters. The reason was that Hasbro learned that killing characters didn't exactly sell more toys. Optimus Prime was very popular and when they killed him in Transformers the Movie and tried to replace him with the mind-crushingly suck-ass Rodimus Prime it didn't work. I can only wonder what the original plan was with the GI Joe toy line....did they think they were going to replace Duke with Lt. Falcon? Falcon sucked! If you don't think the review told you that, watch this movie yourself. For no other reason than this movie I now harbor a dislike for Don Johnson just for doing Falcon's voice. (I would have like to see the TV episode where Falcon was a dope fiend though. If you've seen it, email me and tell me what happened).
Whether or not the plan for Duke's death was a plan to sell new, different toys is kind of moot. Kids liked the show, and if they already had a Duke GI Joe, killing the guy on the show or in the movies wasn't going to make them happy. Imagine if they killed Captain Picard in the Borg adventure so they could replace him with another captain. Fans would have gone bananas and Star Trek wouldn't even be remembered in any form nowadays.
GI Joe the TV series was, like The Transformers, a half hour commercial to sell toys. I didn't mind that....in fact I thought it was a great marketing idea! The new Joes introduced in the movies probably didn't sell that well, though. Now that there seems to be a kind of remembrance of shows past, probably due to the fact that you can get an old shows entire run on DVD right now, perhaps GI Joe should try a comeback to mainstream audiences. The object would of course, be to sell more toys....but the Joes should have new members along with the old ones, that are more realistic. Yeah, I like the old characters...Duke, Scarlet, Gung Ho, Flint, Lady Jaye, Breaker, Stalker....the whole gang....but lets throw some new Joes into the mix!
Anyone that's served in the military knows that for every fighting man there's a platoon of support personnel to...um, support 'em. The Joes never show these guys. I lived in the barracks for years before I was married and I met a lot of characters. So to add some realism for GI Joe and to keep the parents (that have to pay for the toys and at times watch the TV show with the kiddies) I propose these new characters and toys for GI Joe. We have the technology now to make the small figures speak, so add a small button to their backs so they can utter their catch phrases!
As I said, if you've ever served, you can't tell me you don't recognize or know these characters:
GI Joe Code Name: Red Tape
Primary Military Specialty: Bureaucracy
ABILITIES: Every military unit needs personnel that can do the paperwork, fill out the forms that are needed and keep the processes going. Red Tape works at GI Joe HQ and easily fills that slot. She can make even the simplest requisition seem like the Bataan Death March! Need paperclips? fill out this form in triplicate. Dent a HAVOC? hey the accident report has to be typed in five different languages! Red Tape will make sure that your pay is screwed up and that nothing is right in your personnel file. Paperwork that needs to go the office a mile down the road will take a month to get there as it will sit in her infamous black-hole inbox for weeks.
Red Tape figures come with a manila folder, a black pen and a condescending sneer.
Push the button on her back and she says: "You signed this form in blue ink. You have to do it again in black ink. Come back tomorrow."
GI Joe Code Name: Ten Thumbs
Primary Military Specialty: Breaking stuff
ABILITIES: From the dawn of time, every military has harbored those of us that can't touch anything without breaking it. Ten Thumbs is a likable character, and gets along with all of the Joes. But put him around delicate equipment and its Bull in a China Shop time. Ten Thumbs can wreck a vehicle by starting the ignition, or destroy your Comic book collection by spilling a single beer on it. The Ten Thumbs figure doesn't come with any extras, since Duke knows he'll just break any equipment given to him.
Push the button on his back and he says: "Me not smart, but me can lift heavy things."
GI Joe Code Name: Bible Belt
Primary Military Specialty: Getting on your nerves
ABILITIES: The Joes lack a chaplain...but they don't need one! They have Bible Belt! Bible Belt hails from....where else...the Bible Belt. And he makes it a point to let you know it. he'll quote passages from the bible at the most inopportune times! Alpine's having a poker game? Bible Belt will show up and tell everyone how evil gambling is! Flint's got a big date? Bible Belt will bend his ear telling him how evil premarital sex is! breaker plays his new rock and roll CD's? Bible Belt will harangue him about that Devil-music! And he'll do all of these things without ever being asked for his opinion!
Bible Belt comes with a bible, a book of hymns and a Christian rock CD that he will ask you to play at any party you might have.
Push the button on his back and he says: "Have you been saved?"
GI Joe Code Name: Barracks Rat
Primary Military Specialty: Apathy
ABILITIES: There is no one...NO ONE....that has ever lived in a military barracks and not seen this guy. Not even GI Joe. Barracks Rat will never leave the building. No matter what base or country he's in, Barracks Rat will stay in his room and watch TV. Despite cajoling from Gung Ho, Bazooka and Lady Jaye, Barracks Rat prefers to let life slip by him. COBRA fears him the most since they've never SEEN him.
Push the button on his back and he says: "I'm just gonna hang out here."
GI Joe Code Name: Spoon
Primary Military Specialty: [unwrite] on a shingle
ABILITIES: Cooks in the military learn how to prepare a lot of things. They are, actually, GOOD cooks. But the stereotype remains, mostly due to our new figure Spoon. Spoon will make the same thing every day for a period of ten days in a row. Didn't like that chicken at the mess hall? Well, you'll see it tomorrow, only disguised as chicken ala king. And after that chicken parmesan. And so on. But Spoon's real talent lies in making creamed beef on toast. ([unwrite] on a shingle) He's so good at it the Joes eat it for breakfast EVERY DAMNED DAY! No wonder they're happy for an early morning COBRA attack!
Push the button on his back and he says: "No, we don't have anything else. If you don't like my food, eat an MRE."
GI Joe Code Name: Bitterpill
Primary Military Specialty: Medicine and a contract from large aspirin corporations.
ABILITIES: Doc is the Joe surgeon, but he and Lifeline, the Joe Combat lifesaver can't do it alone. Who's going to run the infirmary? That's up to Bitterpill! Ol' Bitterpill is really good at his job. First, he'll always take your temperature and check your blood pressure before he'll even let you see the Doc....even if you're bleeding profusely. And when you're done he has the medicine you need to recover...MOTRIN! Yes, Bitterpill prescribes Motrin for whatever ails you. Gotta head injury? Take some Motrin! Broke your ankle? A little Motrin will take care of that. Dead? Killed in action? Take these Motrin and see Doc in the morning.
Bitterpill action figures come with a truckload of Motrin. Not a toy, truck, a real truck. He also *ahem* gives out free condoms, available at any military infirmary if you have the guts to ask for 'em.
Push the button on his back and he says: "Wow. That must hurt. Here's some Motrin."
GI Joe Code Name: Jody
Primary Military Specialty: Two timing and double dealing. Also has several marching cadences named after him.
ABILITIES: Most of the Joes wonder what happened to their girlfriends when they come back from a mission. Its Jody! No one knows what Jody Joe does in the military or even what he looks like, but sure as hell, as soon as the Joes take off to some far off place to fight COBRA, Jody is dating their girlfriend. As stated, the line in the marching cadence stating "Jody's got your girl and gone" is attributed to this Joe.
Jody comes with a little black book with the phone numbers of all the Joe's girlfriends, a wallet full of cash, and his own bachelor pad action set.
Push the button on his back and he says: Jody Joe can whisper several sweet nothings.
The Joes have SGT. Slaughter's renegades and Beach Heads Rawhides...but they need something else....something no military barracks is complete without....something every unit has...YES...Boys and Girls...the newest Sub group to GI Joe is the hard fighting SHAM-MASTERS!
For those of you that don't know, "Shamming" is a military term for goofing off. For those of you that do know, well you probably met these guys....so petition Hasbro for the action figures!
GI Joe Code Name: Cheeseball
Sub-group: Sham-Masters
Primary Military Specialty: Cheesing/ Sham Master Squad leader
ABILITIES: To cheese is to flatter, kiss ass and put on a show to your superiors. Cheeseball is the best at this. He can lick General Hawk's butt and brown nose Duke so well that they think he's working so hard that they swear to God he's the best soldier they have. In reality, Cheeseball has done absolutely nothing. The other Joes other than the command staff think he's an asshole. But they can't say anything since he brings the general Coffee every morning and tells Duke how good he is at every turn. COBRA even likes Cheeseball. He's so bad for Joe morale Destro has put him on the "Do not shoot ant any point" list.
Cheeseball doesn't come with accessories. His figure has a winning smile though, and flawless hair.
Push the button on his back and he says: "I'm not doing that."
GI Joe Code Name: Confuso
Sub Group: Sham-Masters
Primary Military Specialty: Confusion
ABILITIES: Confuso might be a good Joe if he understood anything. No matter how easy the task, or how carefully and in one syllable words you explain it, Confuso will be perplexed. Tell him to dig a foxhole and he'll ask you where, how and with what. You even need to pin instructions to the shovel to make sure he uses the right end. Confuso hangs out with Ten Thumbs most of the time.
Confuso comes with a shovel, a soldiers handbook and a blank empty stare.
Push the button on her back and she says: "How do I do that, sarge?"
GI Joe Code Name: Sticky Fingers
Sub-Group: Sham-Masters
Primary Military Specialty: Thievery
ABILITIES: No barracks is complete without the barracks thief. Sticky Fingers will steal anything that's not nailed down. Even if its of no use or value to him. Sticky Fingers routinely checks the barracks rooms of Joes that are on duty to see if the door is unlocked. If it is, consider that Joe's stuff gone. Sticky Fingers also has a secret wall locker, not in his own room, that houses his ill gotten gain. He has the ability to smile in your face just after he's robbed you. The other Joes suspect he's been pilfering, but SF has the ability to cover his tracks well. No one can prove anything and if anyone gets close to the truth, SF will get rid of the goods or sell them post haste before he's implicated. Its rumored that Gung Ho has a vest with no shirt because Sticky fingers stole all of his shirts.
Sticky Fingers figures come with a rap sheet, and all of the other Joe's stuff.
Push the button on his back and he says: "It wasn't me. You can't prove anything!"
GI Joe Code Name: Sweetheart
Sub-Group: Sham-Masters
Primary Military Specialty: Manipulation
ABILITIES: Lady Jaye...Scarlet....Cover Girl....Jinx....what do they have in common? They hate Sweetheart. Sweetie is the polar opposite of the attitude of other women in the military. She's good looking enough to catch most men's eyes and uses it to her supreme advantage. Her turn to mow the lawn in front of HQ? Sweetie will get some testosterone filled Joe to do it for her while she has her nails done. Gotta move some heavy equipment? Sweetie will whine about it until another Joe does it for her. The only way to catch Sweetie is to compliment her on what she uses to get her way...her attractiveness...and then she'll scream to the Judge Advocate that she's been sexually harassed. Unbeknownst to her, the other female Joes have formed a cabal to exterminate her during the next COBRA assault.
Sweetheart comes with an extra tight uniform, hair not in regulation and a bottle of expensive perfume.
Push the button on her back and she says: "Girls aren't supposed to do stuff like this...this is man work! Aren't you going to open that door for me? Hey, why won't you men treat me like an equal?"
GI Joe Code Name: Dead Liver
Sub-Group: Sham-Masters
Primary Military Specialty: drunkenness
ABILITIES: Flint said once that spending a night in a bar with Dead Liver is an eye opening experience. Well, lo and behold, Joes. Dead Liver doesn't need a bar! As soon as his duty day ends, Dead Liver is halfway through a bottle of bourbon and that's before dinner. Dead Liver has the ability though to shake it off and be awake and aware the next morning. Not even Gung Ho and Shipwreck can match him in a drinking contest. Unfortunately, Dead Liver quaffs so much drink that he doesn't quite know how to do anything else. He frequently hangs out with Bitterpill for the free Motrin.
Dead Liver action figures come with a six pack of cheap beer, a bottle of Jack Daniels and a hangover.
Push the button on her back and she says: "Oh, my achin' head."
GI Joe Code Name: Sick Call
Sub-Group: Sham-Masters
Primary Military Specialty: illness
ABILITIES: Sick Call is the healthiest Soldier in the GI Joe Unit...but he's always at the infirmary. Whenever a mission pops up where there may be fighting and lots of work count on Sick Call to be at the infirmary. He can create a heat or cold injury at will. His back hurts at the most inconvenient moments. Sick Call can even give himself the flu within an hour of having to work. His wisdom teeth have been pulled out 18 times in one year. Sick Call is best friends with Bitterpill.
Sick Call comes with a Sick call slip, a profile against doing anything and a hospital bed connected to a game system.
Push the button on his back and he says: "I don't feel so good."
There you have it, My droogies. I think Hasbro should commence to producing new toys with filecards for these GI Joes right now! After all, if you want to promote military toys make it a little gritty for the kids! Yo Joe!