Phone Games
Everyone knows I hate Spam. Its annoying, and I have never ever been spammed with anything that I even remotely thought of buying. The only good thing I can say about Spam is that its sometimes amusing. Recently I've received several of the old Nigerian banking Scheme emails. While they annoy the crap outta me, they're a little amusing...because I can't believe that anyone ever falls for it. Well someone must, because they keep coming. Actually, I have a level of relief. I've installed so many filters and firewalls on my computer that I don't really suffer as much as I used to.
And I like it that way. I 'm happiest when I have my privacy and peace and quiet. Which is why I hate telemarketers.
Is it just me, or has the telemarketing industry blown up to unreal proportions lately? Maybe I'm the only person in the area that's not on the DO NOT CALL list, or something, because I get a lot of sales calls. Now, I don't have a lot of time off of work, so when I am home I really don't want to talk to anyone I don't have to. You really have to understand that I MEAN THAT. I talk to people for 12 hours a day at work, 6 days a week! If you call me on my one freakin' day off a week you'd better have a f***ing good reason. I have people that I like that I won't speak to when I'm off because I'm tired of talking. But as you know, you can't really just get a salesperson to shut the hell up once you answer the phone. That always drives me bonkers, and not just because they're annoying me....because they're forcing me to be rude. Ask anyone that knows me....I hate rudeness. Even my boss tells me I'm way too polite. But get a pushy salesperson on my phone and politeness goes out of the window. I used to try and be civil, but now I just hang up. I won't even entertain speaking to you if you're trying to sell me something I didn't ask for. Why should I? You're wasting my time! You don't even have the common decency to shut the f*** up when I tell you I don't want whatever crap you're selling.
The only good thing about my hardly ever being home is the telemarketers often get my answering machine. Well, that's not a good thing because the messages are usually lame or they don't leave a message at all, just a dial tone. It still doesn't matter because I've yet to get a telemarketing call for any product or service that I want. Some of the most annoying calls I've received in the last month are these:
Charities: I'm all for helping out charities. I'll happily donate what I can afford to a good charity and I usually do. But don't call my house. Funk Dat Noise. I learned this lesson the hard way. I donated some cash to help out 9/11 victims and a few weeks later every damn charity in the east coast was calling my house. What do these charity guys do? Share info? Did the 9/11 fund guy call his other charity running buddies and say "Call this Dante Guy! He's a sucker!". The worst part about it was that I tried to explain to one guy that I really was low on cash. So he tells me I can donate on their "silver plan". I told him again I'm kind of broke. Well then he offers his "copper" plan. Eventually I just hung up, but it bugged the hell out of me. If I ask a guy I don't know for a quarter and he says he doesn't have one, I'm not gonna ask for 20 cents instead. And you know what? it doesn't matter if I was lying to the charity guy or not. I could have been sitting on a mountain of gold doubloons like friggin' Scrooge McDuck. If I tell you I can't afford it, case closed.
Travel agencies: Gawd almighty. if another travel agent calls me I'm gonna hunt them down and beat the tar outta them. First of all its pointless to call me with a vacation package. If I want to take a vacation I'll call you. I'm in the damned army for Pete's Sake. I lived in Europe for 6 ***damn years! How are you gonna sell me a trip to Paris when I was there 2 years ago!? Besides...I'm a military member...I can catch a hop to Europe or practically anywhere for PEANUTS! Stop calling me!
Satellite TV: I can't even remember the name of the company but they're offering some TV deal. I haven't actually spoken to a real person, they keep leaving these recorded messages on my answering machine. they go something like "This is Bill from The Rip-off Direct Satellite company. I'm going to be working in your neighborhood this week and I thought you might wanna know about an exciting deal for a satellite dish...blah blah blah...". Dumbass. Hey Bill, I happen to know you're not in my neighborhood because I live on a military base. you can't just randomly come here. Eat [unwrite] and die, and stop calling my house. If I wanted a satellite dish I'd go get a satellite dish.
Automated Messages: Bill's irksome behavior has at least clued me in on a practice in telemarketing that has to stop. Automated messages. Now I get telemarketing calls from freaking machines. if I do answer the phone I get a voice telling me to "hold on for an important message" and then a prerecorded message comes out. FUNK DAT! If you're gonna bug the piss out of me at least have the common decency to let a real human being talk to me. The sucky thing is you often have to listen to the entire message so they'll tell you which key to push on your phone to delete your number. Well here's something any business that uses this method can push...I hope you go out of business. I hope your office burns to the ground. I hope your willy turns green and falls off. because you're annoying me. I'm not doing anything to you, I just want to be left alone you scum sucking son of a bitches.
Pizza: The strangest telemarketing call of all...and yes, I will tell you the business....Papa John's Pizza. These idiots actually called me to tell me about a pizza deal. they claimed they called because I hadn't ordered a pizza in a few months. What the hell!? What's next? An automated message from Ronald McDonald? Are pizza joints telemarketing too now? Just for calling me like that I won't order from them again. Hell, I'd rather drive to the local Mom & Pop Pizza shop and get a pie than call those bastards .
You know if any of the candidates for the Presidency ever read this I want them to know that I'll vote for ANYONE who outlaws telemarketing. Life is too short for me to have to deal with these weasels calling my house. Now I realize that the people making the calls are just ordinary schmoes trying to make a living. Hell, I worked in telemarketing for ONE day. I found it so distasteful I quit and told the boss he didn't even have to pay me. That's how much I hate telemarketing. I won't even take money for doing it. But that being said, telemarketers, realize this...and don't take it personally....
1) If you call my house I'm going to hang up on you.
2) If you call me back I'm going to report you. but I'm going to curse you out first.
3) If you catch me in a good mood I'm going to [unwrite] with you on the phone...you know, play stupid, ask pointless questions, etc. then hang up.
4) If I find out who you are I'm going to call you at odd hours. I'm going to put your phone number on every site I can think of so you'll get called. I'll write it in every seedy bar restroom with the tag line "For a good time call". I'll tell crack dealers you squealed on them. I will....I'm crazy like that.
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