There are several things you must understand about THE DOOM PATROL. We were just ordinary guys, and we clung to each other because we ordinary...strange guys. you know, the kind of guys that everyone else thinks are weird, or strange. We weren't that different from anyone else. But since we were thought to be crazy, strange or just plain weird we formed our own little circle of friends. The best thing was ANYONE could join or clique. Our only requirement was to look out for one another. Well, we had a few other rules, but anyone cool could dig 'em.
RULE ONE: No Good Deed Goes Unpunished. Just don't be a dick about it.
RULE TWO: Life is a party, but its BYOB.
RULE THREE: Never forget the sacred words. Nee, Pang and Naywhong.
journey with me now to Germany in the early mid 1990's and experience the adventures of the Doom Patrol!
Hey, I changed the names (especially mine) To protect the innocent. (Especially me) any relationship to anyone living or dead is fictional, except that these were real people but names have been changed, blah, blah, blah.
CHAPTER VIER (4)
SNEAKY STUTTERING JONES or THE BARON OF BARRACKS CRIME...Sneaky Jones, not Rev. Jones was the barracks thief. I have no proof of any of his crimes really, but we all knew he did it. I liked the guy, but you couldn't trust him.
Sneaky Jones spoke with a stutter. It was kind of funny, because he had big bug eyes and they would roll around when he stuttered. But he wasn't a fool. Everyone liked him, but no one trusted him. He had the uncanny ability to pull great looking women though. The problem was he was married. His wife and kid were in the states. He took leave while I was there to visit them. That's when Gork came into my room one day....
"Hey, look at this!" Gork handed me a phone bill. It was a calling card bill. It had a lot of calls to Chicago. About 200 dollars worth. But Gork was from Colorado.
"Don't look at me, man," I said, "I don't know anyone from Chicago. Besides how could I get your calling card number?"
"Well someone has been calling Chicago from Germany and billing it to me!" Gork was angry. I rarely saw him like that. I knew he wasn't accussing me. I was his best friend. But he was mad.
"Sneaky Jones is from Chicago." said Kaf. He had been walking down the hall and heard us talking. For once he said something useful.
"JONES!" Gork muttered through clenched teeth. What happened next, Gork told me later.
Gork went to Sergeant Major Satan's office. He explained this to him and showed him the bill. SGM Satan turned on his speaker phone and dialed the Chicago number on the bill. The phone rang a few times then someone answered it. The stuttering voice of Sneaky Jones came over the speaker.
"Hello?"
"May I speak to Private First Class Jones?" said the Sergeant Major.
"Speaking."
"This is the Sergeant Major. Private Jones, the instant you get back to Germany you come to my office...and you'd better be here by the end of the week, leave or no leave!" Barked the Sergeant Major. Then he hung up.
When Gork told me that I thought for sure Jones was a dead man. But Jones had a lie that I can't believe worked. There was a guy that used to be in the unit just before I arrived. He left a few weeks after my arrival to be assigned to Fort Drumm. It was no secret that he was Jones best friend while he was there. This guy was as bad as Jones at getting away with things. He borrowed Shaw's car, had an accident and managed to leave the scene. He never paid for any damages and left for Fort Drumm leaving Shaw with the bill. His name was Claymont or something. Jones told the Sergeant Major and Gork that Claymont had given him a calling card number on a piece of paper so he could call his family. Jones claimed Claymont owed him money and told him he could make some free calls as payment. He didn't know Claymont had somehow given him Gork's number. Of course, it was too late to confirm that. Claymont had been discharged from Fort Drumm a month before Gork got the bill.
Somehow that story worked. Jones never paid Gork for the calls, he just blamed it on Claymont, telling Gork if he could contact him he could get his money. Gork was really mad, but just paid the bill and got a new calling card. He told me though that somehow, some way he was going to get even with Jones.
WHEN IRISH EYES ARE SMILING or ANOTHER ONE OF OUR HANGOUTS...There were plenty of clubs that soldiers went to in Mannheim. There was the Army's NCO club, and if you wanted to go to the german bars, the three most popular ones near our barracks were The White House, The Skyline (more of a dance club, actually) and The Irish Pub....
The Irish Pub was a nice little bar. It was directly across the street from the White House. I don't know why a bar in Germany was called the Irish Pub, especially since we never met anyone from Ireland or even remotely irish in it...except for this one time...and this is a true story....
Gork was practicing in a band he and some other soldiers had started. So Cox and I decided to go out without him. Our plan was to go to the skyline and pick up some women but first we'd stop and have a quiet drink at the Irish Pub. The White house, which was across the street, was a rowdier place, while the Irish Pub was a more laid back, cleaner bar. We walked in, and went up to the bar and sitting there was a short, older gentleman with red/ gray hair. I am not joking, dear readers, and even more unbelievable he was wearing a green blazer and spoke with an irish accent. He looked at me and Cox as we settled down in some bar stools and spoke to us.
"Hey, there, you look like two thirsty american soldiers!" He said, then he turned to the bartender, "Get these two lads a pint of Guinness!"
The bartender complied and place two big mugs of Guinness in front of us.
"Hey, thanks!" we said. The old guy raised his glass in a salute to us and began drinking. He stopped in mid gulp and looked at us.
"Drink up, Lads!" He barked, smiling. We tried to match his guzzling speed but couldn't. he emptied his glass in seconds and Cox and I were struggling to choke down the Guinness.
You see, folks, I learned early on in my time in Germany, that I cannot drink a lot of german beer. Its just too strong for me, and its usually warm! If I bought beer to drink in the barracks I always stuck with budwieser of Molson. I only drank german beer if I was at a club, and I always ate a good meal before I went out and took some aspirin, because german beer could floor me without those precautions. Guinness is a different animal altogether. It was warm and thick...really thick. It didn't even look like beer...it was a dark, dark, brown...did I mention it was thick?...and lord, it was strong... But Cox and I managed to drown the pints. But as soon as we did the bartender sat two more in front of us.
"Drink up, Lads, drink up!" The irish guy said. He started guzzling his new glass. Cox and I looked at each other, shrugged and did the same. Of course the irish guy was finished well before we were and he was saying "Come on Lads, y'can drink faster than that! Me gran' ma can drink a pint faster than that! Drink up, its on me!"
Cox and I emptied our mugs and slammed them on the bar. "Hey, thanks again, man." I said. But I didn't feel well. This Guinness was making me sick. It was like drinking molasses but it didn't taste like molasses. I honestly thought I'd throw up, and to my horror the bartender served us another round almost the second we finished them. Once again this cheery irish guy signaled us to drink up, and we did. By now I really felt sick. I didn't want to look weak in front of Cox, but he leaned over and whispered to me.
"Dante," Cox sounded like he was going to throw up, "I can't drink any more of this stuff. I'm gonna get sick!"
Well, the fourth pints were in front of us now. But I knew I couldn't drink it and Cox couldn't for sure. He wasn't a big drinker. So I tried to get us out of this.
"Hey, thanks for the drinks, sir," I said to him, patting him on the back, "But my buddy and I have some dates we have to meet elsewhere. Maybe we'll seeya around later."
The irish guy stopped smiling. He was pointing at the two untouched pints in front of us. "Yer leavin'?" he said incredulously, 'Y'can't leave! Y' didn't finish you're pints! Are ye men or lads!?" (that probably sounds more like Scottish than irish, but he said something to that effect)
"Well, uh, we don't want our, uh girlfriends to see us drunk, sir." I stammered. I reached in my wallet and pulled out some duetschmarks, "But have one on us!"
"[unwrite] your money, sir!" The irish guy said through gritted teeth. It was scary. He turned all red and looked like he was insane. "You americans, allus thinkin? you can buy peoples friendship! I don?t need you to buy me drinks! Get outta my sight, boy, ye lily livered pimple!"
Everyone at the bar, including the bartender, froze. They were all watching this guy curse me out. Even Cox was taken aback by the insane look on the guys face. I decided it was time to leave. Cox and both started backing away slowly towards the door. The irish guy got up and followed us screaming at us. Everyone in the pub was watching.
"Thats right, GET OUT!" The irish guy was right behind us, "Get out and suckle milk from yer mama's teats! Ye're not worthy of a man's drink, you gutless weaklings, both of ye, GET OUT!"
We quickly walked out of the door and started walking down the street. The irish guy stood in the door and kept yelling at us until we were out of eyesight. We didn't say anything or look back. Finally a few minutes later, Cox looked at me and said "Did we just get kicked out of a bar by a leprechaun?"
THERE'S A HUKE BORN EVERY MINUTE or GULLIBLE'S TRAVELS...Huke was the most gullible person I've ever met! Here are a few of the things he's fallen for...If you wanted to play a trick on anyone, Huke was always the target. He was soooo gullible. ..Sneaky Jones tricked him one day into stealing...from me!!
I had just gotten off of work and I was tired and cranky. I had a six pack of beer in my fridge and a movie I had rented and all I wanted to do was drink the beer and watch my movie. I went into my room, removed my BDU top, (BDU=Battle Dress Uniform) and then realized I had to pee. I walked to the latrine and on my way I passed the dayroom. Sneaky Jones, Huke, Glenn, Bustos, the Lackey and Egmer the Detail Man were in the pool room. I waved at them and kept going. I'm gone, maybe 2 or 3 minutes. But I didn't lock my door. (Stupid!) When I got back to my room I see the fridge door is open and my six pack is gone. Oh, the cardboard carrier was in the fridge, but all six bottles are gone. Just then Huke comes into my room, drinking a budwieser. He's got this stupid smirk on his fat face.
"We took your beer!" he laughs.
I was so angry I brushed past him and stormed into the pool room. Everyone in there was drinking one of my beers. They all had stupid smirks on their faces but Sneaky Jones had to be responsible for this. I just couldn't believe he would be so brazen.
"Jones!" I shouted, "You [unwrite]ing thief!"
"Hey, look, Dante," Jones said, (I'm omitting his stutter) "I didn't go into your room. I just said to Huke I dare you to steal beer from Dante."
Huke was so stupid he was standing there in the pool room doorway smiling and laughing at me.
"Haha!" Huke said, sipping one of my beers and pointing at me, "there wasn't enough for you!"
I lost it. I grabbed Huke by the neck and slammed him into the wall so hard he dropped the bottle, which didn't break, but rolled across the floor spilling beer. Huke of course struggled, but I had a tight grip on his Adam's apple and I was going to crush it. Huke was bigger than I am but he was a weakling and a coward.
"Huke," I warned him, "You're going to go to the class six right now and bring me a 12 pack or I swear to God, I'm going to rip your head off. No one steals from me!"
I feel the need to explain that while I was away at desert storm my house was robbed and I lost nearly everything. Because of this I take theft very seriously.
Huke gurgled a little then I let him go and kicked him in his ass. He immediately and fearfully ran to the store. 30 minutes later he came back and gave me a twelve pack. He tried to apologize but I just walked away from him. The other guys were laughing their butts off at him. SSG Henderson and SSG Donald had arrived just after he left and they were laughing at him too. As I shut my door, I could here them saying through their guffaws, "Damn, Huke, he pushed you around like a little Beeyitch!"
After the beer episode I lost any compassion for Huke's feelings. Everyone picked on him but I left him alone. Sometimes I would even sit and listen to him whine about how he was mistreated and try to cheer him up. Stealing from me only turned me against him. SPC Meyer had an idea to have some fun at his expense. At this time we were both working in S-3, so she had a desk in my little cubby hole of an office. Meyer waited until about 1600 hrs...4pm, and called Huke, who worked on the next floor up (S-3 was in the basement of Battalion HQ) pretty much right over our heads. She put him on the speaker phone. Then she told Huke her name was Mrs. Meyer (!) from the post bank and all of Huke's checks for the past month have bounced. His account was completely empty. If he didn't come to the bank right away and settle this she would have to call the Battalion Commander. You can get in a lot of trouble in the army for bouncing checks. Huke was terrified. He hung up and Meyer and I stepped outside the building in time to see Huke running full speed to the bank. Funny thing is the bank closed at 3 pm!
Huke was scared all night. You could see it in his eyes. He told Corporal Shaw and me about it. Shaw didn't know about the joke and asked him how the bank called him at 4 when they closed at 3.
"I don't know!" Huke cried, "But I have to find out what to do or I'm going to get in trouble!!"
It was all I could do not to laugh right then. But the next morning right after first formation Huke went to the bank. They, of course, denied calling him. There wasn't even a Mrs. Meyer working there! We waited until about 3 pm and Meyer called him again. She pretended to be the same woman from the bank again. This time she told him that he had to deposit $500.00 in his account by 4 or they were definitely going to call the Battalion Commander. You could tell Huke was about to cry over the speaker phone.
"I..I don't have that much money!" his voice was cracking. He was stammering and whining and Meyer kept telling him that wasn't her problem, that this is a bank not a charity and how much trouble he was going to be in for writing bad checks. Huke was cracking up, fighting tears and he kept saying "I don't have any money!" I couldn't stand it anymore...I burst into laughter. Huke heard me over the phone.
"Hey!" his voice said, "That's Dante! AND MEYER!!? You guys are tricking me!" He finally realized who was on the line. How he didn't before I don't know. Meyer didn't disguise her voice and she used her real name, yet Huke fell for it! But now he knew. We instantly went back to our desks. Meyer started typing and I started filing things away when we heard Huke clomp down the stairs. He ran in the office, breathing hard and sweating. We could see his eyes were all watery from crying...but we had straight faces.
"You two have been messing with me!" Huke shouted, still close to tears.
"Private Huke, what are you talking about?" I asked him. I was trying so hard not to laugh my head hurt.
"YOU'VE BEEN CALLING ME SAYING YOU'RE THE BANK!" he shouted at us.
SFC Pressley walked in the room and asked "Huke, what are you in here for?"
"Sergeant, they've been calling me and lying about being the bank!" Huke exclaimed. He sniffed back tears.
"Huke, ain't no one call you." SFC Pressley told him, "We've got work to do. Get out of here and let us finish!"
Huke deflated, walked back upstairs. As soon as he was gone all three of us fell into laughter. SFC Pressley, being in the next room KNEW we had done it. But he was laughing so hard he had to sit down.
"That was funny, but don't mess with him anymore...CLEAR?" He barked between giggles.
"Crystal Clear Sergeant!" Meyer and I both snapped to parade rest and answered in unison. Then we all just kept laughing.
HUKE ON WOMEN or WHY THIS GUY WILL NEVER GET LAID...throughout my time in Germany I saw Huke get put down by so many women I've lost count...you want to read about a real loser at love? Read this!
Ok, I've established that Huke was ridiculously gullible...but this time Shaw had a hand in fooling him. Shaw had a friend in another company who could disguise his voice over a phone...and make it sound like a female. Poor, horny Huke was his target. Shaw had the guy call him and pretend to be a new female in the battalion. "She" told Huke that she had seen him around and wanted to go out with him, but she just got to Germany and her luggage was lost at the airport. All she had to wear were her class A's. (Dress uniform) She'd meet Huke at the NCO club if he wore class A's too, but he had to wear WHITE socks so she could tell it was him. AND HE FELL FOR IT!
Right after work, Huke was bragging about this beautiful girl he was going to meet. Everyone in the barracks knew about the joke. Everyone. Huke got dressed in his class A's with white socks and went to the NCO club. We all followed an hour later and he was still there waiting. It was so hard not to just crack up. We're acting like we're just there for a beer and Huke is standing there looking around for a female in class A's. Three hours later he gave up and went back to the barracks.
"Maybe she got lost!" Huke kept telling us. Shaw couldn't even look him in the eye without laughing.
The next day Shaw had his friend call Huke again. Pretending to be the same female, "she" told Huke she got sick and couldn't show up the night before but she'd meet him tonight after work if he'd wait outside the NCO club, in class A's with white socks and to wear his hat on his head sideways! AND HE FELL FOR IT!
Here's what makes it so bad...it was raining...and men in army uniforms cannot carry umbrellas. Huke stood in the rain for an hour looking like a clown. When he came back to the barracks, completely soaked he said "The bitch stood me up again!" We howled with laughter. Shaw even told him it was a joke. Huke didn't believe him. It was too much. Gork and I literally had tears of laughter running down our faces.
But the ultimate Huke Humiliation wasn't a trick by anyone. I had gone out one night by myself, but I came back to the barracks kind of early...around 2000 hrs (8 PM) . Sneaky Jones, Bustos, and Cox were all in Jones room with a german girl. The door was open and they were playing cards and drinking. Somehow they all migrated to my room. Now this girl was one of Jones "girlfriends", I'd seen her before but I can't recall her name. Lets call her Marie. Marie had a friend we'll call Susan who was rather homely. But she wasn't hideous. She had a decent body, nothing great, but decent. But she had a homely face and the worst teeth I've ever seen. We were sitting in my room when someone mentioned that Huke was in his room with Susan and had been since about 5.
"No [unwrite]!" I exclaimed, "Huke is actually getting laid!?" I was generally shocked, because Huke and women made as much sense as vinegar and ice cream.
"Hey I guess so," said Jones, "He's been in there for three hours. Damn, I never thought I'd live to see Huke get laid!"
With that we all agreed. I expected the apocalypse to begin. The moon should have turned blood red. Huke getting laid. We kept on playing cards and drinking and talking. I kept my door open so anyone who wanted to join us could just walk in. Several people popped in and out...SSG Henderson, SSG Harold, Gork, Glenn, Lynch and a few others had joined us. About a half hour went by and we heard Huke's door open and slam. Susan was screaming something in German at him. We could hear Huke shouting back "Get out! Just Get out!"
Susan was still shouting in german and running down the hall..when she passed my door and saw us all in there with her friend she stepped in the doorway. she was buttoning her shirt. By now EVERYONE in the barracks was in the hall trying to find out what the commotion was about.
"He is not a man!" Susan shouted, "I have been in there for hours and hours and he cannot get it up! He is not a man! He has a soft little dick!"
We were dumbstruck. It was silence. Then Huke appeared behind her with nothing on but some jeans. He was zipping his pants and his gut hung over the waist.
"Shut up! Shut up!" He screamed at her. "I gave you twenty marks not to tell! Shut up and get out!"
"No, you shut up!" Susan screamed back at him. The hall was full of people watching this. Susan was now shouting to the entire crowd, "He cannot get it up! He is not a real man! I have been with him for hours and he cannot have an erection! He wanted to pay me not to tell you all!"
Huke tried to drown her out by shouting "Shut up" but he couldn't. He was beet red and once again his eyes were all watery. He was about to cry.
Susan grabbed her coat, that Marie had carried into my room when the party moved, and left. She spit on Huke as she passed him. It was dead silent. The Staff Duty Officer (an NCO or officer that stays in the barracks at night to answer phones, make sure the building is secure, etc.) came running up the stairs and shouted "What the hell was that?" Suddenly the entire floor...and I mean at least 25 to thirty people... burst into roaring laughter. Huke was standing there half naked, and it suddenly sunk in what had just happened. He ran back into his room and locked the door. We were still laughing for hours to come. Huke never recovered from that one. For months Gork and I would see him and say in a fake german accent "He is not a real man!" and then crack up.
Coming soon: CHAPTER FUNF
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